Customer Reviews

Married: A Fine Predicament

5 star:		(3)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

I've become so accustomed to Pollyannaish [style] in the field of marriage/divorce that I opened this book more than a little cynical about what I would find -- just more "10 Simple Steps to Feeling Giddy About Your Mate" drivel. But the first few pages hooked me. Here is perhaps the most objective, show-no-mercy, honest book about marriage and divorce I've read. Having gone through my own marital struggles over the past eighteen years (and still married) I was at once sobered, enlightened, discouraged, and at times just a little hopeful about this sticky entanglement we call marriage. That she writes from a feminist point of view did not at all distract or demean this male reader.

The genius in Roiphe's writing is she doesn't take the typical overworn and silly Mars/Venus approach to describing all marital ills. People are complex, their issues are complex, their childhoods are complex, their value systems are complex, their ever changing needs and wants and motives are complex and when two complex people come together in marriage all hell can and often does break loose -- IF people are awake and listening to what is going on in their souls and in their marriages.

If I were a pre-marriage counselor this is the first and perhaps only book I would give to the naive young couple before me. Only then would the simplistic formula books on marital bliss make any sense...if, that is, they ever make it to the alter.

Anne Roiphe does not present herself as a sage who knows all the answers. In "Marriage: A Fine Predicament" she muses on her two marital unions. The first one, made at a young age to a self-absorbed playwright, produced a daughter and some hard-won self-insight and wisdom. The second, a longlasting union with a psychoanalyst who helped her raise their blended family of five daughters---two his, one hers, and two theirs--has given her optimism and faith in the institution of marriage.

She worries for some of her daughters, as yet unmarried, and ponders whether arranged marriages---the norm in many places over many centuries---work out better than "romantic" ones. She roams over many topics, including the introduction of children into the marriage, the influence of in-laws, the differing gender-natures of male and female, the recurring patterns of relationships in families.

I enjoyed the book for Roiphe's witty, elegant yet clear-as-water prose, although I didn't agree with all of her statements and/or conclusions. Since she wrote in far less than didactic style, I don't think she'll mind. Readers, especially those who are wives- and- mothers over a certain age, will find her excellent company as she probes our common concerns. Highly recommended!

Bearing in mind that this book was picked up for 33% of the cover price (an illustration of the true value of such a work), I had to discard it after the first chapter. My inclination was to do so earlier, mind you, but in the interest of fairness I drudged through the first two dozen pages. Roiphe spends most of our time telling us how badly she's had it, her misandry dripping from every line. It's difficult to empathize or feel for any author who complains about her money woes in the same paragraph in which she sells an emerald brooch. Compound this example with the fact that the author is, by her own admission, a serial-wedder, and thus disqualified to speak to the nuances of marriage. The only resounding honesty in this book are her repeated mentions of her daughters and her desperate yearning to see them married. I would no sooner take guidance about a marriage from an embittered veteran of a handful of divorces as I would seek career advice from a veteran of unemployment lines.

I enjoy Anne Roiphe's style of writing, but she sometimes loses me. Her sociological history of marriage was very interesting, but her personal views are hard to follow or relate to. For instance, she writes "Nothing makes a woman seem less desirable than a sudden failure at work." Huh???

Marriage, and whether or not to marry, is the topic of Anne Roiphe's memoir. In it, she explores the traditional marriages in history; the sexual revolution and its impact on marriage; the additional issues that children bring to the marriage; and how divorce and remarriage impact the individuals, the family, and the future.

In Married: A Fine Predicament, she explores each of these topics by describing examples from history, from books, and from her own experiences.

Talking about marriage, by necessity, also involves analyzing the different kinds of marriages and the expectations in each. For example, some marriages allow for infidelities, while others cling to monogamy. The author describes how the need for monogamy might seem contrary to some of her own experiences, like being a "revolutionary, a lover of freedom, a rebel against conventional bonds." Yet in marrying her second (and last) husband, she realized, after getting to know him and his values (he felt disloyal if he dated more than one woman at a time), that she could not violate such a man's trust.

After a thorough and detailed description of the various contemporary kinds of couples, from the living together to the married, and all the formats in between, she states:

"Marriage is not the only way to be respectable these days and social power is possessed by those who mock the rules (rock and rap stars, movie stars, wealthy men) and social disapproval carries no real sting in urban America and less than it used to across the land." She goes on to say that "marriage can answer one human problem better than any other solution yet divined. It can assuage our loneliness."

Obviously, this author is in favor of marriage, despite is many flaws and failings. She is not anti-divorce, as she writes that sometimes the ending of a marriage is the best solution for all.

Personally, I have experienced marriage and various forms of companionship in between, and while I have, finally, at this time, decided that my individual journey works best for me, I can see the appeal that others find in the institution. Sometimes the children of divorce suffer permanent trauma, but at the same time, the children in unhappy marriages may sustain life-long damage as well.

My conclusions are that each of us has to decide what works best in our own lives, and hopefully have the courage of our convictions.

This thoughtful, provocative, and meaningful exploration earned five stars from me.

The problem with reading some books is the reader's approach and mindset. Is it open or defensive? Ready to accept a new testimony or reject it and ridicule it with criticism? Roiphe's book, "Married: A Fine Predicament" is neither a manual for how to become married nor why one should chose marriage over remaining single or even becoming divorced. Her writing style flows more like a novel than a narrative, and there is no claim to the scientific method here, and sometimes that's what we need.

In fact, Roiphe makes no claim or guarantee at all regarding marriage. She's simply relating of her marriage experiences, and as an author in a free country, she as a right to do that. Actually, "Married..." is Roiphe's mini autobiography with a socially involved title, so in that sense it is unique. She neither condemns marriage nor says that it is road to happiness. On page 78 she says in no uncertain terms, "All the fairy tales end at the altar." What Roiphe is doing is merely giving the reader more options, more choices, or perhaps she is giving nothing more than testimony. But nowhere is there an ultimatum that says "my way, or the highway."

I suppose, dare I give advice, that today's readers stop thinking they have heard it all, they have read it all, and approach material like this with a more open mind. The crepehanger or cynic rarely finds the good in such work, and it's time we advance our knowledge by at least giving non-fiction authors a chance, whether they succeed or fail. Just because Roiphe is a woman who was divorced and married twice does not disqualify her from writing about her experiences. In fact, that and everything in between she has to say adds to the pool of knowledge.

The account of particular important that I can relate to, being unmarried but contemplating it, is when Roiphe and her husband are driving and the arguments ensue about how fast he is going versus her desire to slow down. "Why are the slow drivers in the fast lane?" he harangues, to Roiphe's retort to just slow down and somehow hope not to hear the sound of crunching metal and blood all over the highway. I almost laughed because I know how her husband feels about slow-poke drivers, and yet at the same time how Roiphe feels. Maybe not everyone is gifted with cat-like reflexes or Robo-cop's no-look approach to passing.

So, with a renewed mindset, "Married" is a good read, and an inexpensive one at that. The pages are easy to read and the lack of a table of contents means, for this particular work, that there is less pressure. The structure is therefore the logically flow of chapters, and I for one give Roiphe a thumbs up for her efforts.

It's difficult to give high marks to a book about marriage which doesn't include the phrase "marriage confers no rights on men, only obligations". Thus, I'd say this book is mostly for women. Between the misc biographical info on the author's own two marriages and the various philosophical meanderings with regard to the subject, the main message here is that marriage is an extremely fragile object (not that Roiphe is the sort of author to boil it down so). The fact that love is a glue which can evaporate rather predictably is not exactly news, as it's the prime rationale behind efforts to involve the state in enforcing the marriage contract and strengthening the institution. But this isn't that sort of book. Rather, it's the sort which raises a lot of questions and only sometimes provides tentative answers. Some may say this makes the book seem deep and profound. I nearly lost interest half way through, though I did like some of the second half better than the first (such as the section on arranged marriages). There were one or two gems of wisdom to be gleaned, but not enough to make me really enthusiastic and recommend the book.

I had several gripes. Roiphe makes several patently ridiculous statements along the way without seeming to realize it. Maybe she needs to challenge her sacred cows more. Her many references to characters in various novels will likely be lost on someone who wasn't an English major (or maybe a Feminist Studies major). And she's stuck in the paradigm where it's always progressive liberal feminist types battling it out with traditional conservative christian family values types. In other words, she's oblivious to any possible third, fourth, or fifth perspective, which can make a reader feel left out or unimportant. Heck, she wouldn't like me anyway because I climb mountains, an activity she only shows she doesn't understand and therefore probably shouldn't be mentioning to make a point. (Same goes for day-trading the stock market.) I also thought it somewhat strange that hubbie #1 from 20+ years ago, with whom there was much drama, looms larger than current longtime hubbie #2 who is a ghost-like figure here.

All-in-all, this wasn't a total waste of time to read, but it might have been better had it been distilled down to one of those very lengthy essay/articles which Harper's magazine has. 2 1/2 - 3 stars, though I'll be charitable and round up because I'm a big fan of daughter Katie's work.