Married but Not Engaged: Why Men Check Out and What You Can Do to Create the Intimacy You Desire [Hardcover]

Paul Coughlin (Author), Sandy Coughlin (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: August 1, 2006

Reconnect With Your Emotionally Checked-Out Husband Frustrated over your stalled marriage? Tired of enduring a less-than-satisfying relationship with your husband? Feeling anger or guilt about wanting more from your passive “nice guy”? Paul and Sandy Coughlin understand the life you’re leading, because once Paul was a Christian Nice Guy husband and Sandy was his frustrated wife. Their freeing message will help you understand the inner life of your emotionally detached husband as well as what you can do—and shouldn’t do--to create a more satisfying relationship. They’ll help you understand the forces that make men passive, how to handle issues of anger, respect, and resentment, and learn practical ways to nurture intimacy. Married…But Not Engaged informs, instructs, encourages, and inspires as it shows how you and your husband can draw closer together.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"...will help any married couple dealing with passive aggression and rigidity, regardless of religious affiliation. Recommended for all libraries." -- Library Journal

"This book can help wives bring out the best in their husbands... to bring out bolder, assertive leaders for Christ." -- Rachel Lower, christian-mommies.com

About the Author

Paul Coughlin hosts a radio talk show in southern Oregon and is the author of No More Christian Nice Guy. Paul has been interviewed by C-SPAN, the New York Times, Moody’s Open Line, At Home Live, Today’s Issues and many other media outlets across the country. His articles have appeared in Today’s Christian Woman, New Man, Faithworks, Ministries Today and Crosswalk.com. A former Christian Nice Guy, Paul is a happily married father of three. The Coughlin family lives in Medford, Oregon. Visit christianniceguy.com.

Sandy Coughlin works from home as a billing specialist. She is active in her community and her children's schools. She and her husband, Paul, have been married fifteen years and have three school-age children.

Product Details

• Hardcover: 208 pages
• Publisher: Bethany House (August 1, 2006)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0764202413
• ISBN-13: 978-0764202414
• Product Dimensions: 8.5 x 5.6 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 4 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 3.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (7 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #635,871 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars The stories are enough to keep the reader moving forward., June 5, 2007

By 

FaithfulReader.com (New York, New York) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Married but Not Engaged: Why Men Check Out and What You Can Do to Create the Intimacy You Desire (Hardcover)

Paul Coughlin, author of the catchy NO MORE CHRISTIAN NICE GUY, is back with his latest project, MARRIED BUT NOT ENGAGED. He has teamed up with his wife, Sandy, for the book, and together they tackle false guilt that women sometimes feel about connecting with their emotionally uninvolved husbands.

Written for both men and women, the book focuses on some of the underlying issues of marriage from the perspectives of both partners. It explores the three factors that contribute to a man's passivity as well as common roadblocks along the way to intimacy. In addition, it looks at the internal conflict that comes with trying to be a Christian Nice Guy, which the authors dub a "CNG."

They write, "He's fighting so many internal battles that when it comes to life with you, he seems to be going through the motions of marriage, consistently shut down or difficult to reach. As you'll see, he doesn't realize that his heart is required to create intimacy with you, with others and with God. He thinks following all the rules will sustain his relationships. He doesn't yet know that intimacy comes not from checking off a to-do list."

In response to such marital challenges, the Coughlins offer practical advice in various relationship areas. As far as communication goes, they encourage readers to express themselves honestly and vulnerably, but take time to listen with empathy. In addition, partners are encouraged to model optimism and look for grace. At the same time, partners can model assertiveness in their words and actions. This kind of assertiveness means sharing feelings and thoughts while still being respectful of your partner. The Couglins also prescribe real intimacy.

They write, "We often misconceive of intimacy by thinking of it as a single, isolated act, like a memorable conversation in a romantic restaurant or a pleasurable sexual experience in an attractive hotel room. But those are just stages on which intimacy might unfold. Intimacy isn't an event --- it's what happens during these events --- two people actively pursuing the other person's deepest being. It is speaking the language of the other person's soul. For example, many married couples have honeymoons, but not all honeymoons are intimate and soulful."

Overall, the book is filled with solid advice and insights. Along the way, there are a variety of letters from Christian Nice Guys and stories from those who have struggled with these issues. At times, the writing runs flat and sounds more like a rant or a radio show (which shouldn't be a surprise since Paul hosts a radio show on The Dove in Southern Oregon) than a well-written work, but the stories are enough to keep the reader moving forward.

MARRIED BUT NOT ENGAGED is a solid resource and should be recommended to anyone wanting to get a fresh perspective on relationships as well as strengthen their marriage. The timeless advice is useful to all kinds of couples.

--- Reviewed by Margaret Feinberg

11 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Turning Christian "Mr Nice Guy" into a real man, April 7, 2007

By 

Helen Hancox "Auntie Helen" (Essex, England) - See all my reviews
(TOP 1000 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Married but Not Engaged: Why Men Check Out and What You Can Do to Create the Intimacy You Desire (Hardcover)

This book focuses on the problems that can be caused in Christian marriages by men who are passive in their behaviour - who fail to conform to society's view of masculinity (which itself has been devalued over the last decades). The book looks at why some men are like this and ways in which both husband and wife can work with each other to improve matters. The book was easy to read; however I felt that much of the subject matter was probably far more prevalent in America and that some of the stated problems would be less of an issue within the British personality so it may not be as universal as the authors imagined.

This book isn't a ten step guide to overcoming the problems of men feeling weak and in fact I wasn't always sure that it offered much useful advice - it was good at identifying the problems but didn't offer that many concrete ways to resolve them. However it did offer some points for thought about communication between men and women and referenced many other books that might be helpful in addition.

15 of 19 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Excellent guide!, August 3, 2006

By 

Armchair Interviews (Minneapolis, MN) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Married but Not Engaged: Why Men Check Out and What You Can Do to Create the Intimacy You Desire (Hardcover)

Written by Paul Couglin, author of No More Christian Nice Guy (CNG), he is joined by his wife Sandy to tell us what Married But Not Engaged is doing to relationships.

This title at first confused me until I realized "engaged" here meant "being involved.

Early on (pg 14) the authors tell how Paul (as a former CNG) answers wives' questions about their CNG. "For you who say "My husband's a nice guy, but...." Married But Not Engaged gets to the heart of the matter, explaining what intimacy is (and isn't), why it's missing, what happens when it's absent, where his seemingly inexplicable behavior comes from, and what can be done to bring change and growth."

The CNG are described as "too nice, pleasantly evasive, uses all his energy to keep up appearances.

The authors explain some modern-day misunderstandings of Jesus life or teaching--concepts carried by today's CNC. Same is true of Bible verses twisted meanings.

One wife wrote to the authors, (pg 60): My husband sees himself throughout No More Christian Nice Guy. He decided at some point that he must avoid anger and conflict at all costs. He's become the great pretender. It's more important to look good than live good.

This second book follows No More Christian Nice Guy with input for the careworn wives of these men. CNG behavior and passivity can cause them all kinds of physical illnesses (digestive and headaches, for example).

When men and women understand how CNG ideals can cause havoc, they can walk hand in hand through life together. When these men have a women of goodwill in his corner, with her courage, creativity and faith, they can begin to trust each other again.

Armchair Interviews says: These two books would be excellent study guides for a church couples group or would give counseling professionals some added insight into the CNG phenomena.