Customer Reviews

Married but Not Engaged: Why Men Check Out and What You Can Do to Create the Intimacy You Desire

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Paul Coughlin, author of the catchy NO MORE CHRISTIAN NICE GUY, is back with his latest project, MARRIED BUT NOT ENGAGED. He has teamed up with his wife, Sandy, for the book, and together they tackle false guilt that women sometimes feel about connecting with their emotionally uninvolved husbands.

Written for both men and women, the book focuses on some of the underlying issues of marriage from the perspectives of both partners. It explores the three factors that contribute to a man's passivity as well as common roadblocks along the way to intimacy. In addition, it looks at the internal conflict that comes with trying to be a Christian Nice Guy, which the authors dub a "CNG."

They write, "He's fighting so many internal battles that when it comes to life with you, he seems to be going through the motions of marriage, consistently shut down or difficult to reach. As you'll see, he doesn't realize that his heart is required to create intimacy with you, with others and with God. He thinks following all the rules will sustain his relationships. He doesn't yet know that intimacy comes not from checking off a to-do list."

In response to such marital challenges, the Coughlins offer practical advice in various relationship areas. As far as communication goes, they encourage readers to express themselves honestly and vulnerably, but take time to listen with empathy. In addition, partners are encouraged to model optimism and look for grace. At the same time, partners can model assertiveness in their words and actions. This kind of assertiveness means sharing feelings and thoughts while still being respectful of your partner. The Couglins also prescribe real intimacy.

They write, "We often misconceive of intimacy by thinking of it as a single, isolated act, like a memorable conversation in a romantic restaurant or a pleasurable sexual experience in an attractive hotel room. But those are just stages on which intimacy might unfold. Intimacy isn't an event --- it's what happens during these events --- two people actively pursuing the other person's deepest being. It is speaking the language of the other person's soul. For example, many married couples have honeymoons, but not all honeymoons are intimate and soulful."

Overall, the book is filled with solid advice and insights. Along the way, there are a variety of letters from Christian Nice Guys and stories from those who have struggled with these issues. At times, the writing runs flat and sounds more like a rant or a radio show (which shouldn't be a surprise since Paul hosts a radio show on The Dove in Southern Oregon) than a well-written work, but the stories are enough to keep the reader moving forward.

MARRIED BUT NOT ENGAGED is a solid resource and should be recommended to anyone wanting to get a fresh perspective on relationships as well as strengthen their marriage. The timeless advice is useful to all kinds of couples.

--- Reviewed by Margaret Feinberg

This book focuses on the problems that can be caused in Christian marriages by men who are passive in their behaviour - who fail to conform to society's view of masculinity (which itself has been devalued over the last decades). The book looks at why some men are like this and ways in which both husband and wife can work with each other to improve matters. The book was easy to read; however I felt that much of the subject matter was probably far more prevalent in America and that some of the stated problems would be less of an issue within the British personality so it may not be as universal as the authors imagined.

This book isn't a ten step guide to overcoming the problems of men feeling weak and in fact I wasn't always sure that it offered much useful advice - it was good at identifying the problems but didn't offer that many concrete ways to resolve them. However it did offer some points for thought about communication between men and women and referenced many other books that might be helpful in addition.

Written by Paul Couglin, author of No More Christian Nice Guy (CNG), he is joined by his wife Sandy to tell us what Married But Not Engaged is doing to relationships.

This title at first confused me until I realized "engaged" here meant "being involved.

Early on (pg 14) the authors tell how Paul (as a former CNG) answers wives' questions about their CNG. "For you who say "My husband's a nice guy, but...." Married But Not Engaged gets to the heart of the matter, explaining what intimacy is (and isn't), why it's missing, what happens when it's absent, where his seemingly inexplicable behavior comes from, and what can be done to bring change and growth."

The CNG are described as "too nice, pleasantly evasive, uses all his energy to keep up appearances.

The authors explain some modern-day misunderstandings of Jesus life or teaching--concepts carried by today's CNC. Same is true of Bible verses twisted meanings.

One wife wrote to the authors, (pg 60): My husband sees himself throughout No More Christian Nice Guy. He decided at some point that he must avoid anger and conflict at all costs. He's become the great pretender. It's more important to look good than live good.

This second book follows No More Christian Nice Guy with input for the careworn wives of these men. CNG behavior and passivity can cause them all kinds of physical illnesses (digestive and headaches, for example).

When men and women understand how CNG ideals can cause havoc, they can walk hand in hand through life together. When these men have a women of goodwill in his corner, with her courage, creativity and faith, they can begin to trust each other again.

Armchair Interviews says: These two books would be excellent study guides for a church couples group or would give counseling professionals some added insight into the CNG phenomena.

This book was nauseating to me. While I have empathy for the abuse the author endured as a child, I got the impression he was giving men an excuse for passivity. It degrades men by portraying them as helpless, pathetic victims of fear, emotional immaturity and sexual desire. Like so many self help books for marriage today, it tells women they have the power (relational superiority) to fix their marriage by "helping" their husbands to change by following their suggestions. At the same time the book contradicts itself by shaming women for attempting to "fix" their husbands and tells them they can't make him change.

This book supports the modern epidemic of disrespect for the male gender, which the author says he is fighting against, by being another manual on how to pamper or baby your husband. Further, the book adds insult to injury in presenting men as sexually needy and relationally incompetent which is a real sexual turnoff to women.

The constant instruction to "respect" your fearful, passive CNG (Christian nice guy) gets irritating after awhile because the book places the responsibility for "helping" him overcome his fear on the wife much like praising your toddler for overcoming his fear of the dark. Is it any wonder when a woman is focused on coddling her husband like a child that she looses respect for him? I would not recommend reading this book unless you are interested in mothering your mate.

This was a good book in that it addressed many of the feelings and struggles in a marriage that is not what you typically hear about in other marriage books. It was refreshing to have someone validate my hurts and not just blow them off in a "you just worry about you and stop trying to change him" kind of way. I wouldn't say it just let the wives off the hook, but it showed that there are people that understand how a passive man ticks and how a spouse and support them.

My dissappointment was more on the technical side of the book. It just seemed poorly written or edited overall. It seemed to drag on in parts and became redundant. I got a little tired of hearing why I should read the book, especially when I'm already reading it. The second half seemed much more helpful and to the point.

Overall it was extreemly helpful to me and the suggestions that were made have brought about some definate positive change in my marriage.

In Married But Not Engaged, Paul Coughlin brings wife Sandy in to help offer encouragement to wives who struggle with jello-spined husbands. The tone of the book is positive throughout, with unique helps such as a "goodwill quiz" (p. 159) to help women get a new perspective on themselves, their husbands, and their marriages. The Coughlins have obviously struggled through the issues personally to come out on the other side with a new, positive view of each other and a rock-solid marriage. Married But Not Engaged will benefit all but the bitterest of wives and most degenerate of husbands. Even those can gain something from the book if they will apply the Coughlins' insights and techniques to their hearts and personal situations.

This book is incredible. No matter what your relationship status, this book is worth your money. I've learned so much from this book. It was as if they had written the book for me and everyone else I know. Our relationship is completely different now. We probably wouldn't still be together if it weren't for this book and "no more christian nice guy by paul coughlin"