Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough [Hardcover]

Lori Gottlieb (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: February 4, 2010

You have a fulfilling job, a great group of friends, the perfect apartment, and no shortage of dates. So what if you haven't found The One just yet. Surely he'll come along, right?

But what if he doesn't? Or even worse, what if he already has, but you just didn't realize it?

Suddenly finding herself forty and single, Lori Gottlieb said the unthinkable in her March 2008 article in The Atlantic: Maybe she and single women everywhere, needed to stop chasing the elusive Prince Charming and instead go for Mr. Good Enough.

Looking at her friends' happy marriages to good enough guys who happen to be excellent husbands and fathers, Gottlieb declared it time to reevaluate what we really need in a partner. Her ideas created a firestorm of controversy from outlets like the Today show to The Washington Post, which wrote, "Given the perennial shortage of perfect men, Gottlieb's probably got a point," to Newsweek and NPR, which declared, "Lori Gottlieb didn't want to take her mother's advice to be less picky, but now that she's turned forty, she wonders if her mother is right." Women all over the world were talking. But while many people agreed that they should have more realistic expectations, what did that actually mean out in the real world, where Gottlieb and women like her were inexorably drawn to their "type"?

That's where Marry Him comes in.

By looking at everything from culture to biology, in Marry Him Gottlieb frankly explores the dilemma that so many women today seem to face--how to reconcile the strong desire for a husband and family with a list of must-haves so long and complicated that many great guys get rejected out of the gate. Here Gottlieb shares her own journey in the quest for romantic fulfillment, and in the process gets wise guidance and surprising insights from marital researchers, matchmakers, dating coaches, behavioral economists, neuropsychologists, sociologists, couples therapists, divorce lawyers, and clergy--as well as single and married men and women, ranging in age from their twenties to their sixties.

Marry Him is an eye-opening, often funny, sometimes painful, and always truthful in-depth examination of the modern dating landscape, and ultimately, a provocative wake- up call about getting real about Mr. Right.

Editorial Reviews

From Booklist

*Starred Review* Gottlieb, 37, made the decision to become a single parent after years of searching for Mr. Right. Four years later, when she still hadn’t found him, she decided to take a good look at her dating habits—and the dating habits of women around her—to see if the problem is not a dearth of good men but rather women’s expectations of them. Gottlieb finds that women want it all—and often aren’t willing to compromise on their list of traits their ideal mate must have. In their twenties, many women leave good relationships based on an elusive feeling that they could find something more with someone else, and they regret it down the road when their choices dwindle. It’s not that women aren’t willing to settle; it’s that many refuse to recognize that their vision of the perfect man doesn’t match reality. With the help of dating coach Evan Marc Katz, Gottlieb reconsidered her own standards in the hope of finding happiness. Gottlieb’s honest, astute analysis will resonate with many women and make them uneasy as they recognize themselves in her experiences and those of the women she interviews. Gottlieb makes a strong case in this groundbreaking work. --Kristine Huntley

Review

"Marry Him is a frank and funny read, weaving real people's stories with Gottlieb's own experiences, and containing sharp examinations of how society and culture-everything from When Harry Met Sally to The Bachelor-come into play when modern women look for love."
-The New York Observer

"A provocative pop culture treatise... she encourages us to think through our own beliefs and unexamined assumptions."
-The Chicago Tribune

"A funny cautionary tale of one woman's journey through the modern landscape of dating."
-Library Journal

"A well-conceived and convincing argument on how to find a more realistic Mr. Right. If you've ever sought your own Prince Charming, your love life will never be the same again. And that's a good thing."
-Christian Science Monitor

"A sensible plea to discard the toxic fantasy of romantic comedies and think realistically about what makes a solid partnership."
-Salon

"This impeccably researched tome is mandatory reading."
-The Huffington Post

"Funny and relatable... anything but antiromance."
-People magazine

"This is the smartest relationship book I've read in years."
-AOL's lemondrop.com

"The buzz surrounding Lori Gottlieb's newest book, Marry Him, is well- deserved... She writes with honesty and hope, and there are many people who will benefit from reading this book."
-The Examiner

"An unexpected delight. Honest and darkly comic... the truth can be liberating."
-The New York Times

"Marry Him is surprisingly, unnervingly convincing."
-O, The Oprah Magazine

"In business, 'good enough' is often 'very good'. So why should we expect-and demand-perfection in dating and marriage?"
-Forbes Woman

"The buzz surrounding Lori Gottlieb's newest book, Marry Him, is well- deserved...She writes with honesty and hope, and there are many people who will benefit from reading this book."
-The Examiner

"I wish I could round up every single woman I know and assign this book for discussion. Gottlieb helps women see how our cultural or private fantasies build up so many expectations that they destroy the possibility of real love and, eventually, marriage. Marry Him is a big fat lesson in how not to get in your own way. Any woman who wants to find true love and hasn't been able to should read this book."
-Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., relationship expert at Perfectmatch.com

"What Gottlieb is saying isn't subversive--it's smart. A thoroughly entertaining reality check, it will make single women laugh and squirm, and married people appreciate their spouses even more."
-Diablo Cody, Academy Award-winning Screenwriter of Juno

"Finally, here's a cautionary tale for anyone wondering why she hasn't found Mr. Right--with a hopeful message about the Mr. Right Nows, the Mr. Close Enoughs, and even the Mr. What the F*#%s."
-Jill Soloway, writer and executive producer for Six Feet Under

"Engaging, hilarious, brutally honest and eye-opening! Marry Him is an encouraging story about finding love by getting real."
-Rachel Greenwald, New York Times bestselling author of Find a HUsband After 35

"This is a daring and wise book. Gottlieb tells it like it is: In our modern world of excuses, too many of us have unrealistic expectations about men and love, and even more unrealistic views of ourselves. Women (and men) should take Gottlieb's message to heart: 'Look for reasons to say yes.' It could change your life."
-Helen Fisher, Ph.D., Rutgers University and author of Why Him? Why Her?

"I have been very happily married for many years, and if my daughters ever ask me for advice about potential spouses, I plan to pass off a lot of what's in this book as my own sage wisdom."
-Kurt Anderson, New York Times bestselling author of Heyday and host of public radio's Studio 360

"Marry Him shows women how to find true happiness when seeking love--by giving them a new way to look at the world. Gottlieb manages to be hilarious yet thought-provoking, light-hearted yet profound on the questions of: Why do we fall in love? What qualities really matter in a marriage? For what reasons do we make the decisions that affect our whole lives? Like provocative realationship classics such as The Rules and He's Just Not That Into You, Marry Him will set people talking for years."
-Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project

"Lori Gottlieb's smart, insightful, witty observations gleaned on her own unusual romantic path signal and important new voice in single-girl lit. The Rules turned single women needy, He's Just Not That Into You made them depresed, and Marry Him finally sets them free, preaching that in the long run, 'good enough' might be better than great."
-Amy Sohn, author of Prospect Park West

"Marry Him is a treasure. A must-read on getting the male and female brain together in almost perfect harmony.'
-Louann Brizendine, New York Times bestselling author of The Female Brain and the upcoming The Male Brain

"By telling you to read Lori Gottlieb's incisive and insightful book, I hope I can make up for all the unrealistic romantic propaganda I had a hand in spreading as a former editor at a glossy women's magazine. For anyone who is single but looking, the surprising truths in Marry Him go against just about everything we've been brought up to believe about dating and marriage."
-Megan McCafferty, New York Times bestselling author of the Jessica Darling series

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 336 pages
• Publisher: Dutton Adult; First Edition edition (February 4, 2010)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0525951512
• ISBN-13: 978-0525951513
• Product Dimensions: 10 x 6.5 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (154 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #116,828 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Lori Gottlieb is the New York Times bestselling author whose first book, STICK FIGURE: A DIARY OF MY FORMER SELF, was an American Library Association "Best Books 2001" selection. She has also co-written I LOVE YOU, NICE TO MEET YOU and INSIDE THE CULT OF KIBU. Her radio commentaries can be heard on National Public Radio and her journalism has been published in The New York Times, the Atlantic, Time, People, Elle, Self, Slate and Glamour. Her newest book, MARRY HIM: THE CASE FOR SETTLING FOR MR. GOOD ENOUGH, is a surprising and in-depth look at modern dating, marriage, and what really makes for a happy long-term romantic partnership. Visit her website at www.lorigottlieb.com.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

151 of 158 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Most helpful dating book I've ever read, February 7, 2010

By 

Mollycoddle252 "Nicole" (San Francisco, CA) - See all my reviews

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This review is from: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough (Hardcover)

After reading several singles books that encouraged me to work on myself, ask friends why things weren't working out for me, and to keep my standards high, I decided to give this one a chance. Thank god I did. It turns out just one thing is separating me from finding a supportive, loving partner -- my unrealistic sense of entitlement. I was raised with a mother who told me I was beautiful and only deserved the most textbook Mr. Right. So for most of my dating life, I've discarded dozens of guys for not immediately making me go all starry eyed.

Gottlieb doesn't encourage us to discount the importance of attraction or connection. Her book just teaches us to remember in our fast-paced world that sometimes both of those things can grow or cultivate over time rather than a half hour cup of coffee. Many of us settle for the instant pleasure of a Hostess cupcake rather than waiting for a seven-course meal. In a society that touts instant gratification, she reminds us to let things marinate and bloom into something we would have otherwise missed. Ultimately, it's not a book that argues for settling as much as accepting men's humanity and flaws. And really, don't we hope they'd do the same for us? And doesn't that sort of acceptance lead to a deeper, longer lasting love?

Through extensive research and insight (and yes, her own mistakes), Gottlieb takes the reader through a cognitive retraining of sorts. She debunks the double standard women hold toward men when it comes to expectations and forces us to confront, again, our sense of entitlement. The exercise is both confidence building and reassuring. It's not too late for me. It's not too late for any of us.

I discussed the book with a friend who's getting married in May. She instantly told me, "Remember, I wasn't attracted to Mike at all when we first started dating. Now there's no one I'd rather be with." And then I realized it was my line of thinking that was keeping me single -- not a lack of wonderful partners.

Since reading the book, I joined an online dating site where I'm meeting with men of all types -- not just the textbook hotties. And so far, my heart just feels more open and ready to make a real connection instead of spending the entire date looking for what's wrong with the guy. Now instead of feeling like I can't find anyone like me, I feel like every guy I meet could be the one. And that's the real gift of Gottlieb's book -- it makes you more open to actually finding a loving partner and enables you to date from a place of abundance as opposed to a place of desperation.

48 of 49 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Good but very repetitive, May 19, 2010

By 

finsalscollons (Spain) - See all my reviews

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This review is from: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough (Hardcover)

Nowadays, the advice given in the vast majority of dating books targeted to women boils down to two principles:

1. Raise your standards and stop dating Mr. Right Now (He's not that into you, Be Honest-You're Not That Into Him Either).

2. Be passive. Your Prince will come and will do everything to meet you so you don't have to do anything (except, perhaps, playing hard-to-get and being bitchy). (The Rules, Women love bitches, etc). This goes with a lot of magical thinking: God or the fate will give you the perfect man without you doing anything (or doing everything to reject him).

Telling women to be passive and raise their standards is like telling a junkie to consume more heroin or tell men to have more casual sex and less relationships. Not a good idea.

If you are having trouble in the dating world and become more passive and more demanding, good luck with you. Imagine the advice of raising standards and being passive given to people who are having trouble to get a job.

This is why this book is a breath of fresh air. Instead of many books who try to reinforce the delusions which marketers feed American women with, this book delivers a true but uncomfortable message: we are not living in a fairy tale and we have to adjust to reality. In previous generations, this message would be so evident that it would not have needed to be written on a book. Your grandmother would have told you.

Although, like most guys, I am sold to the idea of being realistic, I bought the book because I wanted to know how much one has to lower his standards. Since there is no dating books for the marriage-minded man, you have to read chick-lit and try to see if it is useful for you.

The book delivered beautifully. You have to compromise on interests but not on fundamental values. Lori reduced their list to a three-item list and this made me reduce my requirements to a four-item list of fundamental values. This was very enlightening and useful for my life. Before reading this book, I wondered whether even these four basic requirements were realistic but now I know that they are.

So this is a book that is also useful to guys.

The book is easy to read. For me it was a page turner. I read it in two days. But I cannot help noticing that the book is too long and full of fluff (I liked this fluff but others might not). The book has two types of information:

1. Interviews with dating experts. They are a lot of experts but basically all of them say the same things with diferent words. But it is useful have a summary of their views in one book, instead of reading 20 books.

2. The hardships of Lori trying to tame their unrealistic expectations. This seemed funny to me, but other people can get bored.

While I was reading the book, I often thought: "Lori, I get it. Get to the point".

In short, perfect message, less than perfect delivery. Four stars.

77 of 83 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars this book just saved my relationship, March 15, 2010

By 

Lisa Maria (Chapel Hill, NC) - See all my reviews

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This review is from: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough (Hardcover)

Aside from being such an entertaining read, this book just killed any lingering doubts I had about marrying my fiance. I'm 30, and I'm engaged to a wonderful 38-year-old accountant who happens to be quite boring. He also comes with a bit of baggage -- a 4-year-old son from a previous relationship (not marriage). However he and his ex have joint custody, so we do get decent couple time and he doesn't pay child support, plus I have a great relationship with his son.

Anyway, this book made me realize how close I was to making a huge mistake. My guy meets all of my needs (we share similar values, he's financially responsible, he's a good father, and he doesn't have a problem with me engaging in activities I enjoy even if he's not necessarily interested in doing them with me) and many of my wants (he's tall and athletic, we have amazing physical chemistry, he's affectionate, he never stonewalls during an argument, he's a good cook, and he's way better than me when it comes to cleaning the house !)

But for the longest time I doubted whether it would work out because I didn't feel like he's intellectually curious enough. I'm a writer, and I read everything I can get my hands on just for the sake of learning new things. My fiance is rarely interested in learning about anything that doesn't have a practical application. He's also a homebody, while I prefer to be out there doing things. He's just a quiet guy with simple needs. But whenever we're together, I always feel a sense of calm, peace, and comfort, even if it's just sitting side-by-side on on the couch while he's watching a basketball game and I'm reading a book.

But after reading this book, I felt so much better about my choice to "settle" (this statement might sound ridiculous now that I've listed my fiance's good qualities, but you'd be amazed at how many women think they deserve nothing less than perfect). So if you're a woman who wants to get married (this book isn't for women who don't want to get married), read this book. The title's very provocative, but "settling" the way the author defines it doesn't so much refer to marrying anyone just to beat your biological clock. It's about getting rid of that sense of entitlement so you can focus on what matters in a marriage partner before you run out of options that actually meet any semblance of reasonable criteria.