Customer Reviews

Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough

5 star:		(108)
4 star:		(19)
3 star:		(10)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(13)

 

 

After reading several singles books that encouraged me to work on myself, ask friends why things weren't working out for me, and to keep my standards high, I decided to give this one a chance. Thank god I did. It turns out just one thing is separating me from finding a supportive, loving partner -- my unrealistic sense of entitlement. I was raised with a mother who told me I was beautiful and only deserved the most textbook Mr. Right. So for most of my dating life, I've discarded dozens of guys for not immediately making me go all starry eyed.

Gottlieb doesn't encourage us to discount the importance of attraction or connection. Her book just teaches us to remember in our fast-paced world that sometimes both of those things can grow or cultivate over time rather than a half hour cup of coffee. Many of us settle for the instant pleasure of a Hostess cupcake rather than waiting for a seven-course meal. In a society that touts instant gratification, she reminds us to let things marinate and bloom into something we would have otherwise missed. Ultimately, it's not a book that argues for settling as much as accepting men's humanity and flaws. And really, don't we hope they'd do the same for us? And doesn't that sort of acceptance lead to a deeper, longer lasting love?

Through extensive research and insight (and yes, her own mistakes), Gottlieb takes the reader through a cognitive retraining of sorts. She debunks the double standard women hold toward men when it comes to expectations and forces us to confront, again, our sense of entitlement. The exercise is both confidence building and reassuring. It's not too late for me. It's not too late for any of us.

I discussed the book with a friend who's getting married in May. She instantly told me, "Remember, I wasn't attracted to Mike at all when we first started dating. Now there's no one I'd rather be with." And then I realized it was my line of thinking that was keeping me single -- not a lack of wonderful partners.

Since reading the book, I joined an online dating site where I'm meeting with men of all types -- not just the textbook hotties. And so far, my heart just feels more open and ready to make a real connection instead of spending the entire date looking for what's wrong with the guy. Now instead of feeling like I can't find anyone like me, I feel like every guy I meet could be the one. And that's the real gift of Gottlieb's book -- it makes you more open to actually finding a loving partner and enables you to date from a place of abundance as opposed to a place of desperation.

Nowadays, the advice given in the vast majority of dating books targeted to women boils down to two principles:

1. Raise your standards and stop dating Mr. Right Now (He's not that into you, Be Honest-You're Not That Into Him Either).

2. Be passive. Your Prince will come and will do everything to meet you so you don't have to do anything (except, perhaps, playing hard-to-get and being bitchy). (The Rules, Women love bitches, etc). This goes with a lot of magical thinking: God or the fate will give you the perfect man without you doing anything (or doing everything to reject him).

Telling women to be passive and raise their standards is like telling a junkie to consume more heroin or tell men to have more casual sex and less relationships. Not a good idea.

If you are having trouble in the dating world and become more passive and more demanding, good luck with you. Imagine the advice of raising standards and being passive given to people who are having trouble to get a job.

This is why this book is a breath of fresh air. Instead of many books who try to reinforce the delusions which marketers feed American women with, this book delivers a true but uncomfortable message: we are not living in a fairy tale and we have to adjust to reality. In previous generations, this message would be so evident that it would not have needed to be written on a book. Your grandmother would have told you.

Although, like most guys, I am sold to the idea of being realistic, I bought the book because I wanted to know how much one has to lower his standards. Since there is no dating books for the marriage-minded man, you have to read chick-lit and try to see if it is useful for you.

The book delivered beautifully. You have to compromise on interests but not on fundamental values. Lori reduced their list to a three-item list and this made me reduce my requirements to a four-item list of fundamental values. This was very enlightening and useful for my life. Before reading this book, I wondered whether even these four basic requirements were realistic but now I know that they are.

So this is a book that is also useful to guys.

The book is easy to read. For me it was a page turner. I read it in two days. But I cannot help noticing that the book is too long and full of fluff (I liked this fluff but others might not). The book has two types of information:

1. Interviews with dating experts. They are a lot of experts but basically all of them say the same things with diferent words. But it is useful have a summary of their views in one book, instead of reading 20 books.

2. The hardships of Lori trying to tame their unrealistic expectations. This seemed funny to me, but other people can get bored.

While I was reading the book, I often thought: "Lori, I get it. Get to the point".

In short, perfect message, less than perfect delivery. Four stars.

Aside from being such an entertaining read, this book just killed any lingering doubts I had about marrying my fiance. I'm 30, and I'm engaged to a wonderful 38-year-old accountant who happens to be quite boring. He also comes with a bit of baggage -- a 4-year-old son from a previous relationship (not marriage). However he and his ex have joint custody, so we do get decent couple time and he doesn't pay child support, plus I have a great relationship with his son.

Anyway, this book made me realize how close I was to making a huge mistake. My guy meets all of my needs (we share similar values, he's financially responsible, he's a good father, and he doesn't have a problem with me engaging in activities I enjoy even if he's not necessarily interested in doing them with me) and many of my wants (he's tall and athletic, we have amazing physical chemistry, he's affectionate, he never stonewalls during an argument, he's a good cook, and he's way better than me when it comes to cleaning the house !)

But for the longest time I doubted whether it would work out because I didn't feel like he's intellectually curious enough. I'm a writer, and I read everything I can get my hands on just for the sake of learning new things. My fiance is rarely interested in learning about anything that doesn't have a practical application. He's also a homebody, while I prefer to be out there doing things. He's just a quiet guy with simple needs. But whenever we're together, I always feel a sense of calm, peace, and comfort, even if it's just sitting side-by-side on on the couch while he's watching a basketball game and I'm reading a book.

But after reading this book, I felt so much better about my choice to "settle" (this statement might sound ridiculous now that I've listed my fiance's good qualities, but you'd be amazed at how many women think they deserve nothing less than perfect). So if you're a woman who wants to get married (this book isn't for women who don't want to get married), read this book. The title's very provocative, but "settling" the way the author defines it doesn't so much refer to marrying anyone just to beat your biological clock. It's about getting rid of that sense of entitlement so you can focus on what matters in a marriage partner before you run out of options that actually meet any semblance of reasonable criteria.

I love this book. Before this book came out, I was having doubts about my husband (I am 33 years old, and he 36 years old - we've been married for 6 years). I was secretly wishing he was more handsome, sexier, more this, more that. The list goes on. What did not help the situation was my catty, single girlfriends (who couldn't find dates themselves) who would egg me on to "Dump your husband! Who needs a man these days? GIRL POWAH!" I am ashamed to admit that for a while, I was influenced by these girls -- girls who I thought were my friends. I was thisclose to getting a divorce from my husband, thinking that I could find someone sexier/hotter/handsomer out there. Then I read this book, and the author, Lori Gottlieb, truly hit the nail on the head. I realize now how sweet, devoted, kind, hard-working and -- (gasp) handsome my husband is. I almost cried while reading the book because I saw myself in many of the examples Ms. Gottlieb wrote in there -- how cruel and selfish I have been. Now I am proud to say, after a major attitude adjustment on my part, our marriage has never been better. My husband and I spend wonderful time together -- making dinner, watching movies, going out to the bowling alley, juggling mundane chores just like everyone else on the planet, etc. He's no Brad Pitt, but so what? Neither am I (the female equivalent of Brad, I mean). But he has the qualities that make an AMAZING life mate, a partner, a lover. I am no longer constantly checking over my shoulder "to see if there is a better guy out there." No, I am 120% done with that. And it IS a liberating feeling. My husband and I are incredibly happy together now. We just talked about starting a family, and we are stoked about what the future can bring!

As for those catty, single girlfriends? I cut them out of my life. I don't have room in my life for people like that. And last I heard -- they're still miserably single and getting together for girls' night out complaining why they can't find men. I want to tell them, "You reap what you sow."

This book was truly a wake-up call for me.

I noticed a review for this book in a recent issue of "O" Magazine and was intrigued...I thought it might be something my 22-year-old daughter should read. After purchasing the book, I devoured it in a few days. Lori's information is spot-on and highly useful. After listening to my daughter's "list" of the things she wants in a husband and saying repeatedly, "I would rather be alone than settle someday", the content in the book hit a nerve. I have always told her that she is never going to find the perfect man, as marriage is a series of compromises and that the "spark" is made way too important when you consider the long haul of a marriage. Listening to her say that "boring" is the most awful trait a guy can have, she has even insinuated that her beloved father is "not exciting enough!" Ouch! I quickly remind her that he has way, way more sustaining important qualities than the "exciting" men, who often do not want a long-term relationship!

I will say that reading this book has made me very, very appreciative of my steady, reliable, sweet husband of 29 years. I am fortunate to have had the good sense to realize at age 21 that he was great husband material and would make a wonderful life companion and he has. I was relieved to read in Lori's book that similar goals are far more important and similar interests, something I think that today's young women focus on too much. A person does not have to be your mirror image to make a good spouse, but you do need to find someone who shares your basic values and wants the same things out of life.

Lori's book is amazing and I am recommending it to my friends to get for their daughters and for my single friends. Every single woman should read this and re-evauluate what is truly important when looking for a spouse. Run to your bookstore and get this book, as it will be life-changing for anyone who reads it. For singles, it will make you stop and think twice about that "boring" guy who you might not feel "fireworks" with but who calls when he says he will...for married women, it will make you thankful you have someone who is steady and there for you. A win-win situation, in my opinion!

I got engaged last fall, and I am 31 years old. I was drawn to this book, because I have had MANY many doubts about marrying him. I was a serial maximizer. Dumping people for several years. And he was ABOUT to be the next dumpee. I could NOT put this book down. It has REALLY helped me. This book helped me to see the reality, and NOT what is thrown in our faces everyday: unrealistic expectations of what a real relationship actually is. No person is perfect. I have had MANY experiences, flings, relationships, acquaintances. And each one that I dumped was yet another example of my being too hard on people. Wanting the ideal.. wanting what I pictured in my head I would end up with. And that is NOT reality. I don't want to end up an 80 year old woman who has tossed all of my chances away. When the guy that I am engaged to is REALLY a great guy! So, please read this book. You won't be disappointed in it. The only way you could be is if you already know everything - which is not possible! :) ENJOY! :)

Perhaps this book caught my eye because I was tired of over-analyzing every nuance, each irritable habit and most of all, my own conflicted feelings. This book provided a refreshing perspective and reality-check. It also provided a glimpse into the future if I kept waiting for Mr. Perfect. Imagine my surprise when I put the microscope down and found him standing just where he's been for the past 4 years--right there by my side.

And just to prove that God does, indeed, have a sense of humor, the weekend I finished reading Marry Him, was Valentine's Day weekend. I finished it on Saturday and he asked me to marry him on Sunday morning. He had no idea what was on my Kindle.

One month later we got married in a small ceremony overlooking the ocean.

Who was it that said, "It's not the things you do that you regret--it's the things you didn't do"?

I stumbled across this back in January, as I was frantically grasping to understand what was wrong with me and why I only seemed to attract guys I just wasn't interested in, and couldn't hold on to the ones I thought had potential. At the same time, I also decided to give eHarmony just one more chance. I was approaching 30 and was the only "single" amongst all of my friends and family. And even though I always wanted to get married and start a family, I felt like I just couldn't find the right guy and I refused to settle. My friends always supported me for not settling, but I knew they did not envy my position.

I read this book at such a perfect time in my life. I felt like I'd been on at least a million first dates and suffered through several failed long-term relationships that, if I read this book first, I would have known they were doomed anyway. It really helped me to view myself objectively and to think about and prioritize the qualities I really valued and needed in a partner, versus the ones that would just be nice to have in a perfect world.

This book really helped me to look at my dating prospects with much more patience and forgiveness. I ended up going out on several dates with one guy in particular who really tested my patience. He did everything by the book, he just took his time in getting to know me, without making any moves. Ordinarily, I might have moved this guy into the "friend zone", but I decided, based on Lori's advice, to be patient with him. And I am so glad I did.

Over the next several weeks, he and I got to know each other and grew more and more comfortable interacting with each other. The more I got to know him, the more I saw things in him that I would have certainly overlooked if I had approached things with him with the same assumptions and flawed logic I always used previously. He was slow to make any moves not because he wasn't confident or sincere, but because he was nervous. By being patient with his nervousness, I learned that it was actually a really GOOD thing - it meant that he wasn't a player, and that I was important to him.

This man turned out to be the kindest, sweetest, most patient man I've ever met. He is honest, loyal, and sincere. He has an amazing family (as do I), and is anxious to have one of his own. Best of all, he is absolutely everything I needed. And apparently he felt exactly the same way about me because he recently proposed, and I happily accepted. For the first time in my life, I was actually excited at the prospect of spending my life with someone instead of terrified because, before now, I always dated the wrong guys!

I am eternally grateful to Lori, the author of this book for helping me to get out of my own way to find happiness. The advice she provided in this book changed the course of my life forever. I am happier than I ever thought I could be, and every time I meet a woman struggling with the same dating issues I found myself faced with, I recommend this book. I am walking proof of its powerful message.

Initially I was not interested in reading this book because I got stuck on the word "settling" in the title. But after reading many reviews, I decided to give it a shot. Now I've passed it along to two other friends who have enjoyed it just as much as I did.

I am 28 and have been dating a wonderful man for 3 years, but have found myself often over-analyzing every aspect of his personality and wondering if I was with the "right 8." While reading the book, I was shocked by how much I participated in the behaviors Gottlieb described, and by how ridiculous (and frequently unfair) they were!
With this realization, I have felt myself do something that I've never fully done in any relationship: relax. I feel more comfortable and confident in our relationship than ever before.

As I'm writing this, I am aware of how cheesy this might all sound. But I really mean every word of it. This book changed my outlook on the most important relationship I have in my life.

As a professional matchmaker in New York, I read Lori Gottlieb's book with particular interest and insight on the subject. I could not agree more with the advice and caution she offers to single women who are serious about finding a PARTNER - not just an exciting, good looking, funny DATE. The writing is intelligent and humorous at times and the message she is conveying is 100% on point. I only wish the title were not "Marry Him: The Case for Setting for Mr. Good Enough" as it gives a false impression of what she is saying (presumably, it was given this title to spark interest and seem controversial). Lori Gottlieb never advocates "settling" in her book but rather tries to get the reader to "compromise" and understand that there is no perfect person out there (while she raises the concept that you too, Reader, are likely not as "perfect" as you think you are) and therefore waiting for this perfect guy to appear is likely to lead to more unhappiness and frustration than would giving a wonderful, but imperfect, guy a chance (something she wishes she had done). She encourages women to get REALISTIC, forgive others for having "flaws" and not immediately discount a man because of superficial qualities like height, hair color or profession. In essence, she is reminding women to focus on the things that really matter and adjust their value system - an important message in today's times from which both men and women can benefit. However, as Lori Gottlieb soberly reminds us, a woman's dating/marriage options often shrink as she ages whereas men's typically increase. Thus, it is particularly important for women to hear her message earlier than later so they can heed her advice and start making smart choices. I consider this book a must read for anyone serious about finding a partner and who has wondered why she has not yet met Mr. Right.