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36 of 39 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Endearing and exasperating in equal measure, September 3, 2008
This review is from: Marrying Anita: A Quest for Love in the New India (Hardcover)
I really liked Anita, and enjoyed reading this book. It's well-written, candid, and full of very interesting observations and insights into both Indian and American culture. As I read along, though, I found it increasingly frustrating - and ultimately maddening - that Anita seemed to lack the slightest insight into herself. Specifically, the very traits she rails against the most are the ones she herself exhibits in spades.
The most laughable sentences in the book: "This so-called `fear of intimacy'... what is this? It seems rather unfathomable to me." What's unfathomable to *me* is how Anita can be unaware of how obviously terrified of intimacy she is. She rails against men who declare early on that they're not looking for anything serious. She doesn't seem to realize that it's much more insidious and irresponsible to declare that you *are* serious (and even to believe you're serious) about wanting something real, as she does - and then to have your every action and decision declare otherwise, as hers does.
If a man is married, or has a girlfriend, or lives on another continent, or has taken a vow of celibacy, or is inappropriate for her in every way, or is "just not that into her", or is downright cruel and heartless to her - well, she's all over him. On the other hand, if a man is appropriate, genuinely interested in her, well-intentioned and respectful, she can't seem to write him off or sabotage the relationship fast enough. News flash, Anita: these are classic symptoms of serious intimacy issues.
Case in point: her father arranges for her to meet a young man in whom she has no interest. She's much more taken with his chaperone - a handsome, accomplished, engaging and well-read professional. Unfortunately, he's just the chaperone, and naturally he is all the more alluring for being out of reach. But wait! This attractive and appropriate man calls her and wants to date her. In fact, two such men are interested in her at this time - two age-appropriate, professional, accomplished and courtly men. So what's the problem? She's admittedly too hung up on a boy she describes as a "surly, inarticulate kid" -- someone who actually *hangs up on her* whenever she calls him -- to give these other men a real chance. She even goes so far as to moon about this kid while on dates with her would-be suitors. News flash, Anita: this is not the behavior of a woman who is truly interested in attaining intimacy.
For that matter, seemingly appropriate and well-intentioned men display interest in her throughout the book. If she's not actively sabotaging her chances with these men, then she's disqualifying them right out of the gate, often for the flimsiest of reasons. After her father told one suitor that Anita doesn't do housework, they wrote the guy off for essentially saying that he doesn't do it either. She wrote another man off (a man she describes as attractive, very successful, and considerate enough to make dinner reservations in her honor) because his *mother* was adopted.
Another little hint that intimacy-phobia is at work here: if Anita isn't attracted to someone with whom she's on a date, she drinks slowly and in moderation and asks him questions about himself. In other words, she behaves appropriately. If she is attracted, she gets plastered and reckless immediately. With a man she describes as perfect for her, Anita orders "a double vodka-lime-soda, the first of three at *that* bar," and then, by her own admission, "slurs" and "stumbles" and "yodels" and "grins stupidly" as the date rolls along. News flash, Anita: when a professional, accomplished man of substance is evaluating a woman in terms of a potential wife and mother, he's usually looking for a modicum of stability, good judgment, impulse control and decorum. There's nothing wrong with kicking up your heels and having a good time once you get to know and trust a guy, but why brandish your "party girl" side at someone so relentlessly in the very first hour of your acquaintance? You complain about all the men who aren't looking for anything serious, then you seemingly do your best to not be taken seriously.
Anita, I was once just like you. I was only willing to invest emotionally where a real relationship was all but impossible. It took me years to understand that the fear of intimacy was mine and the suffering was 99% self-inflicted. I really hope you will take an honest look at your choices and your actions and realize how thoroughly they belie your words. You blame nearly everyone and everything around you for your situation: you blame the men, you blame New York, you even blame the entire Western system of dating. Where is your share of responsibility in all this? Come on, you're a Harvard-educated, highly intelligent woman, and this isn't rocket science. The one truly lacking in "clarity of intent" is you. There's still time for you to achieve what you say you want, but you need to wake up to what you're doing. I hope you'll believe me when I say I wish you the very best, because I really do.
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22 of 24 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Before marrying an Indian man, understand a bit of Indian culture, September 3, 2008
This review is from: Marrying Anita: A Quest for Love in the New India (Hardcover)
Anita Jain's "Marrying Anita" has received many enthusiastic reviews. But quite a few readers who were born and raised in India, and steeped in Indian culture, were shocked and pained - her parents among them, I must say - to read this book. In an interview the author has said that her parents were "not happy" when they read the book.
Passages such as this will shock an average Indian not exposed to American culture. "Going to India to find a husband also raised other considerations. I wondered if I would be able to find someone modern enough in his thinking to be comfortable with a wife having a great deal of her own agency, not just in terms of making decisions for the household but in having a full life outside the marriage -- one that included going out with friends, drinking, and smoking. A woman who has had sex in the past -- and not just with those two long-term boyfriends. I wasn't sure what I would find, but I owed it to myself to try."
Written with wry humor blended with wit, and in a sarcastic tone, portions of the book are entertaining and highly readable. But there are many portions that caused me pain, shock and regret, especially at the needlessly snide remarks the author made about a couple of suitors. I think the problem is that even though her name, appearance, and lineage are Indian, she is not an Indian at heart, and she lacks basic knowledge about Indian culture, manners, and etiquette. Here is an example - this is what she has written about Lalit, one of her suitors:
"Lalit worked as a clerk at a shipping company, earning 8,000 rupees, less than $[...], a month. He'd never been to my upscale neighborhood. He greeted my parents -- "Namaste, Auntie. Namaste, Uncle" -- then surveyed the place, clearly thrown by the style in which I lived. I was the last thing he noticed."
I have a different perspective on this encounter because I was born and raised in India and I am steeped in Indian culture. Lalit did not do anything wrong; he behaved most appropriately. He greeted her parents respectfully. Then he surveyed her flat and looked at the furniture. Again he did nothing wrong, because a prospective suitor is not supposed to start gawking at the woman immediately after sitting down. That would be considered impolite in Indian society. He is supposed to look around, perhaps at a potted plant or flowers in the vase, take his time, and sneak a look or two at the prospective bride while sipping coffee. That would be considered polite. Later, after some conversation, if he wishes, he can look at her for a longer time, without the fear of being considered rude. I know this is not the American way, but it certainly is the Indian way. Lalit's main fault seems to be that he did not have a good income.
Anita Jain went to India with an admirable goal, of course: to find a suitable husband. "I was looking for a modern Indian man, someone comfortable with a wife who went out with friends, drank, smoked and had had other boyfriends," she has written. But her actions, the way she behaved with the prospective suitors, the cryptic remarks she made after the suitors left, belie her stated goal. The witty one-liners and the sarcastic two-liners uttered looking down on the men might entertain and elicit a hearty laugh from the readers; but such behavior is not conducive to human understanding. Understanding human heart takes patience, empathy, and that most precious of all human qualities: compassion (not pity). In Delhi, had she gone to a Jain temple and spent some time with ordinary Indians, she would have learnt very quickly how good-natured Indians behave with others, with kindness, respect, a bit of humility, and tolerance. The very nature of the way Indians greet others saying, "Namaste", denotes not just respect - it borders on reverence. If you criticize every thing you see and every man you meet, and think that they are beneath you because they happened to look at the luxurious furniture of your flat in awe, or that they did not speak much, I am afraid you will never find a suitable mate. In a garden with various and abundant flowers, a visiting bee seeks only honey-bearing flowers. The bee will avoid as a waste of time and effort a flower devoid of honey, no matter how bright, rich, colorful or splendrous. Endow yourself with at least a bit of honey, and the bees are bound to follow. Make all the snide remarks if you wish, to entertain and elicit a quick laugh, but be prepared at the end of the day to sleep in an empty bed.
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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Boring... no wonder no one will marry her, January 2, 2009
This review is from: Marrying Anita: A Quest for Love in the New India (Hardcover)
Anita Jain's dry prose may be perfect for an article in the Financial Times, but it makes for a long, slow book. I was expecting an intelligent, Indian version of Sex and the City. I found the women in Sex and the City rather sad, yet funny. Ms. Jain's experience of dating in NYC rang true. However, she could have made the book a little more fun, and make the prose flow. Instead if was stiff and dry.
Ms. Jain offered little insight into why she might not be able to find someone. Maybe hanging out with 20-year-olds in a bar or looking online aren't the only options for an intelligent, well-traveled journalist to find a husband? There other places to meet men.
This book was a disappointment. I don't recommend it. There are plenty of other good, funny books out there about single women finding love. Read one of those instead.
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