Customer Reviews

Marrying Anita: A Quest for Love in the New India

5 star:		(4)
4 star:		(7)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(8)

 

 

I really liked Anita, and enjoyed reading this book. It's well-written, candid, and full of very interesting observations and insights into both Indian and American culture. As I read along, though, I found it increasingly frustrating - and ultimately maddening - that Anita seemed to lack the slightest insight into herself. Specifically, the very traits she rails against the most are the ones she herself exhibits in spades.

The most laughable sentences in the book: "This so-called `fear of intimacy'... what is this? It seems rather unfathomable to me." What's unfathomable to *me* is how Anita can be unaware of how obviously terrified of intimacy she is. She rails against men who declare early on that they're not looking for anything serious. She doesn't seem to realize that it's much more insidious and irresponsible to declare that you *are* serious (and even to believe you're serious) about wanting something real, as she does - and then to have your every action and decision declare otherwise, as hers does.

If a man is married, or has a girlfriend, or lives on another continent, or has taken a vow of celibacy, or is inappropriate for her in every way, or is "just not that into her", or is downright cruel and heartless to her - well, she's all over him. On the other hand, if a man is appropriate, genuinely interested in her, well-intentioned and respectful, she can't seem to write him off or sabotage the relationship fast enough. News flash, Anita: these are classic symptoms of serious intimacy issues.

Case in point: her father arranges for her to meet a young man in whom she has no interest. She's much more taken with his chaperone - a handsome, accomplished, engaging and well-read professional. Unfortunately, he's just the chaperone, and naturally he is all the more alluring for being out of reach. But wait! This attractive and appropriate man calls her and wants to date her. In fact, two such men are interested in her at this time - two age-appropriate, professional, accomplished and courtly men. So what's the problem? She's admittedly too hung up on a boy she describes as a "surly, inarticulate kid" -- someone who actually *hangs up on her* whenever she calls him -- to give these other men a real chance. She even goes so far as to moon about this kid while on dates with her would-be suitors. News flash, Anita: this is not the behavior of a woman who is truly interested in attaining intimacy.

For that matter, seemingly appropriate and well-intentioned men display interest in her throughout the book. If she's not actively sabotaging her chances with these men, then she's disqualifying them right out of the gate, often for the flimsiest of reasons. After her father told one suitor that Anita doesn't do housework, they wrote the guy off for essentially saying that he doesn't do it either. She wrote another man off (a man she describes as attractive, very successful, and considerate enough to make dinner reservations in her honor) because his *mother* was adopted.

Another little hint that intimacy-phobia is at work here: if Anita isn't attracted to someone with whom she's on a date, she drinks slowly and in moderation and asks him questions about himself. In other words, she behaves appropriately. If she is attracted, she gets plastered and reckless immediately. With a man she describes as perfect for her, Anita orders "a double vodka-lime-soda, the first of three at *that* bar," and then, by her own admission, "slurs" and "stumbles" and "yodels" and "grins stupidly" as the date rolls along. News flash, Anita: when a professional, accomplished man of substance is evaluating a woman in terms of a potential wife and mother, he's usually looking for a modicum of stability, good judgment, impulse control and decorum. There's nothing wrong with kicking up your heels and having a good time once you get to know and trust a guy, but why brandish your "party girl" side at someone so relentlessly in the very first hour of your acquaintance? You complain about all the men who aren't looking for anything serious, then you seemingly do your best to not be taken seriously.

Anita, I was once just like you. I was only willing to invest emotionally where a real relationship was all but impossible. It took me years to understand that the fear of intimacy was mine and the suffering was 99% self-inflicted. I really hope you will take an honest look at your choices and your actions and realize how thoroughly they belie your words. You blame nearly everyone and everything around you for your situation: you blame the men, you blame New York, you even blame the entire Western system of dating. Where is your share of responsibility in all this? Come on, you're a Harvard-educated, highly intelligent woman, and this isn't rocket science. The one truly lacking in "clarity of intent" is you. There's still time for you to achieve what you say you want, but you need to wake up to what you're doing. I hope you'll believe me when I say I wish you the very best, because I really do.

Anita Jain's "Marrying Anita" has received many enthusiastic reviews. But quite a few readers who were born and raised in India, and steeped in Indian culture, were shocked and pained - her parents among them, I must say - to read this book. In an interview the author has said that her parents were "not happy" when they read the book.

Passages such as this will shock an average Indian not exposed to American culture. "Going to India to find a husband also raised other considerations. I wondered if I would be able to find someone modern enough in his thinking to be comfortable with a wife having a great deal of her own agency, not just in terms of making decisions for the household but in having a full life outside the marriage -- one that included going out with friends, drinking, and smoking. A woman who has had sex in the past -- and not just with those two long-term boyfriends. I wasn't sure what I would find, but I owed it to myself to try."

Written with wry humor blended with wit, and in a sarcastic tone, portions of the book are entertaining and highly readable. But there are many portions that caused me pain, shock and regret, especially at the needlessly snide remarks the author made about a couple of suitors. I think the problem is that even though her name, appearance, and lineage are Indian, she is not an Indian at heart, and she lacks basic knowledge about Indian culture, manners, and etiquette. Here is an example - this is what she has written about Lalit, one of her suitors:

"Lalit worked as a clerk at a shipping company, earning 8,000 rupees, less than $[...], a month. He'd never been to my upscale neighborhood. He greeted my parents -- "Namaste, Auntie. Namaste, Uncle" -- then surveyed the place, clearly thrown by the style in which I lived. I was the last thing he noticed."

I have a different perspective on this encounter because I was born and raised in India and I am steeped in Indian culture. Lalit did not do anything wrong; he behaved most appropriately. He greeted her parents respectfully. Then he surveyed her flat and looked at the furniture. Again he did nothing wrong, because a prospective suitor is not supposed to start gawking at the woman immediately after sitting down. That would be considered impolite in Indian society. He is supposed to look around, perhaps at a potted plant or flowers in the vase, take his time, and sneak a look or two at the prospective bride while sipping coffee. That would be considered polite. Later, after some conversation, if he wishes, he can look at her for a longer time, without the fear of being considered rude. I know this is not the American way, but it certainly is the Indian way. Lalit's main fault seems to be that he did not have a good income.

Anita Jain went to India with an admirable goal, of course: to find a suitable husband. "I was looking for a modern Indian man, someone comfortable with a wife who went out with friends, drank, smoked and had had other boyfriends," she has written. But her actions, the way she behaved with the prospective suitors, the cryptic remarks she made after the suitors left, belie her stated goal. The witty one-liners and the sarcastic two-liners uttered looking down on the men might entertain and elicit a hearty laugh from the readers; but such behavior is not conducive to human understanding. Understanding human heart takes patience, empathy, and that most precious of all human qualities: compassion (not pity). In Delhi, had she gone to a Jain temple and spent some time with ordinary Indians, she would have learnt very quickly how good-natured Indians behave with others, with kindness, respect, a bit of humility, and tolerance. The very nature of the way Indians greet others saying, "Namaste", denotes not just respect - it borders on reverence. If you criticize every thing you see and every man you meet, and think that they are beneath you because they happened to look at the luxurious furniture of your flat in awe, or that they did not speak much, I am afraid you will never find a suitable mate. In a garden with various and abundant flowers, a visiting bee seeks only honey-bearing flowers. The bee will avoid as a waste of time and effort a flower devoid of honey, no matter how bright, rich, colorful or splendrous. Endow yourself with at least a bit of honey, and the bees are bound to follow. Make all the snide remarks if you wish, to entertain and elicit a quick laugh, but be prepared at the end of the day to sleep in an empty bed.

Anita Jain's dry prose may be perfect for an article in the Financial Times, but it makes for a long, slow book. I was expecting an intelligent, Indian version of Sex and the City. I found the women in Sex and the City rather sad, yet funny. Ms. Jain's experience of dating in NYC rang true. However, she could have made the book a little more fun, and make the prose flow. Instead if was stiff and dry.

Ms. Jain offered little insight into why she might not be able to find someone. Maybe hanging out with 20-year-olds in a bar or looking online aren't the only options for an intelligent, well-traveled journalist to find a husband? There other places to meet men.

This book was a disappointment. I don't recommend it. There are plenty of other good, funny books out there about single women finding love. Read one of those instead.

I'm surprised by the many poor reviews Anita's book has received here. I found this book in a Bas Bleu book catalog and having traveled to India two years ago with my husband, quickly went to my public library to check it out. I read it in two days. There is certainly nothing dry about her prose; this book is funny! If I'm to judge her journey and person, then I'd agree that she went about her search for a husband the wrong way. Certainly many of the things she did were highly questionable and yes, self-destructive (she does a lot more drinking and making out than anything). But this is a review of Anita's book, not who she is as a woman, and her book is a very enjoyable read. Just don't expect a happily-ever-after tale.

When author Anita Jain mentioned "baroque absurdity" and "the tincture of caricature" in the very first sentence of the book, I braced myself for 300 pages of pomposity. Oh brother, I thought to myself, another writer trying too hard to appear intellectual and instead just being annoying.

Luckily, as the book went on, the pretentiousness decreased a bit and was accompanied by a heartfelt page-turner of a memoir recounting Jain's dating experiences in India. Her first-hand accounts of the sexual liberation among India's young people, the lingering ill-effects of the caste system, internet dating and many other topics are fascinating and often hilarious. Jain is worldly, intelligent writer. However, she does make too much of an effort to prove this. The numerous foreign phrases and unnecessary multi-syllabic adjectives she sprinkles into her writing are distracting.

She is also brutally honest about her escapades and self-limiting behavior and at times candid to the point where you start to feel sorry for her relatives and former lovers whose dirty laundry is aired so publicly. In any case, this all makes for a very entertaining book.

As some have already pointed out here, you do shake your head in frustration at times while reading this book as you see Jain engage in the self-destructive behavior often seen among accomplished 30-something single women. She finds herself obsessed with completely inappropriate partners who treat her like crap. She drinks and smokes pot/hash with a frequency that is unbecoming someone far beyond the age of youthful experimentation (you actually start to wonder if she has a substance abuse problem). Ditto for her going out to all those trendy Delhi clubs packed with scantily-clad teens and early 20-somethings--probably not the best venue for finding true love, especially for a Harvard-educated woman in her mid-30s.

As her happily married peers can attest (fortunately, I put myself in that category), sometime in your 20s or 30s, you realize that impossible drama with good-looking but vacuous partners, getting wasted, and going out to clubs every weekend is not a long-term plan for happiness.

Four stars for your book, Anita Jain. But please, forget about that hot 20-something guy who hangs up on you and uses you for sex. Let yourself to fall in love with a grown-up who treats you with respect. That is what all of us ultimately want, no matter how intellectual or socially sophisticated we may consider ourselves.

Not to give things away, but the title of this book doesn't do justice to its content. One blog says that 'Marrying Anita' covers the "cringe-worthy aftermath of her decision to move to India and seek an arranged marriage." I like that. The 'cringe-worthy' part is a testament to the author. She goes through some painful, uncomfortable stuff, but - to her immense credit - it's all recorded here on paper. Before the halfway point, you start wondering if the title event is in the cards for Ms. Jain. As the pages quickly run out, the answer becomes more and more apparent.

No matter - 'Marrying Anita' is still a compelling read because of its very interesting look at the rapidly changing social mores of India. [Well, of the big cities at least. The author notes that to go to the country is to be hurled back in time.] Ms. Jain dives headfirst into Delhi's go-go business and after-work cultures. She's come full circle from her parents' departure some thirty-plus years ago. Her reporter's keen eye compares her present-day experiences to what her father left behind. Moreover, she points out the sizable differences of today vs. her first foray to India immediately after college. The differences in those 11 or so years are striking.

In her Acknowledgments, the author says "I am profoundly fortunate for the as-of-yet unconditional love and support of my parents." I take that as: "Some of what is written here is going to test that." And how. But the love and respect that the author has for her parents pours out through the pages of this book.

I was quite excited when my husband found this at the library. As a first generation Indian-American who also grew up in Northern California just a few years before Anita did, I felt that I could relate to her experiences.

Unfortunately, I found this "Sex in the City Meets Modern Delhi" to be underwhelming at best and frustrating at worst. At the beginning, as she describes her life in New York, I was thinking, "Poor woman, stuck in the superficiality of the New York dating scene. Once she gets to India, she will slow down and become more in touch with herself and her own values". She clearly demonstrated, however, that she brought that superficiality and lack of insight with her to Delhi. Drinking, smoking, partying, having sex, she would say, "So what, take me as I am!". Well, no one wanted to, and it was easy to see why. She was needlessly insulting and superficial to nice gentleman (making fun of their lack of proficiency in English... and even their pant leg length, no less (so junior high)... as ways to reject them). Forcing her father to get up and get her water just to "point out" her independence and mock her suitor was unbelievably immature. And, as mentioned before, getting completely drunk and spending 1/10 of your potential suitor's income on the first date is not a way to show that you will be a helpmeet through thick and thin -- it only shows that you are into self-gratification first and foremost. My husband, when I read it to him, said at the end, "Aren't you relieved that none of those guys ended up being married to her?".

Her wonderful father, while valuing her so highly, may have played a role in making Anita feel that she was too good for anyone, and may have ultimately done her a disservice. Being respectful and valuing another as much as one does oneself is not just some way to subjugate women in an archaic societal expectation... it is a necessary part of a good relationship and of marriage. It was clear by the middle of the book that the author could not understand this and kept bemoaning her fate, to just "being unlucky" and "not finding the right one" instead of understanding the characteristics of her behavior that were driving men away.

Interestingly, I read this right after reading, "Dreaming in Hindi" and found more personal development and insight into Indian culture in that book, written by an non-Indian, than in "Marrying Anita", written by an Indian-American.

Oh, and it was unbelievably disgusting that she did her best to seduce a poor guy who made serious religious vows not to have intimacy with women. I am shocked that she would do that, and even more shocked that she would write about it.

First, what I liked: it's honest, it's illuminating (hopefully not just because I'm male), it's timely (I know a lot of single people in their thirties), and it's a page turner.

Second, perhaps the old adage that "familiarity breeds contempt" is true. As I got to know the narrator, I kind of liked her less. I found that I was on a long journey with someone who had these regularly-occurring annoying quirks. It's likely that a few Mars and Venus differences did pop into my understanding of her situations. Women may not find some of her actions incomprehensible, as I did.

I would say that it is a testament to her writing skills and her ability to bare herself emotionally that I wanted to have a dialog with her, show her another world-view from the one she seems mired in. Alas, the written memoir, by design, is a one-sided conversation.

A good in-flight or beach read. 2.5 out of 5 stars.

Having read the polarizing reviews on Amazon I was intrigued enough to read the book. Unfortunately for Miss. Anita (I doubt she got married since then) I'm on the side of the one star people. I really tried to like it but she is far too self absorbed to be a great insightful observer of life. To her defense I will say she does have a dry wit, but that would be better suited for a work of fiction than non fiction. She should try writing fiction next time around.

I plunged into this book with enthusiasm, both to see a side of India I didn't know and to follow the author in her quest to find a marriage partner. Anita Jain drew me in immediately with her tale of why her father left India. Some of the best writing in the book is about her family. Her writing is smooth and easy to read. For the first half of the book I was intrigued with all the ways she managed to connect with men that weren't right for her, thinking back to my own single days and how many frogs there really are out there that will never be princes, no matter what you do. But as the book went on, I became frustrated with her. She seemed over-critical. She seemed to lack introspection. She seemed to lack the compassion and openness which allows others to feel safe enough to unfold themselves to us. Then, too, there was self-destructive behavior on her part. How could anyone serious about finding a mate, allow herself to get drunk and sloppy on first dates with men she was attracted to? So while it was an easy read, I was ultimately disappointed with the book. The author was on a journey, yes, which always makes for a good story. But she lacked the ability to embrace the journey, to see herself and to let herself change as part of that journey. In describing one of her affairs as a young woman she wrote, "Was he the powerful older man taking advantage of a vulnerable girl lost in an unfamiliar country, or was she the predator, sucking from him exotic experience until she had gleaned all she could and then left?" In this book, she comes across very much as the latter. Is it really a surprise that she never finds a mate?