Customer Reviews

Mars and Venus on a Date

5 star:		(71)
4 star:		(25)
3 star:		(18)
2 star:		(15)
1 star:		(13)

 

 

I'm a 50 something divorced guy, I'd never given thought to "stages of dating". I knew I felt different things as a relationship progressed, but had never been tried to pinpoint just what it all was about.

John Gray's 5 stages; attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity etc. and the need to do `em in order was spot on. It helped me label the emotions I feel and recognize when I'm letting my sweet daydreams intrude on reality in a new relationship.

The section on "elasticity" was also revealing. You know how a guy goes hot & cold on a relationship? JG explains that it's a process guys do to test their feelings for someone. We get close, then get unsure if she's the one, so we pull back. The revealing thing for guys is to figure out, after we've pulled back, are we happier with or without her, and then act on that feeling.

Those two thoughts alone are worth the price.

The book describes the five stages of courtship: attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, engagement. Although different people have called these stages different things, the second stage is the one that is unique to this book. When a couple begins dating, there is inevitably a period of uncertainty. Even if someone expresses his undying love on Friday night (and really means it), he can change his mind by Saturday morning. This period of uncertainty can really throw the other person off. "How can he possibly not love me today, when he loved me yesterday? What happened? What changed?"

As a dating expert, I know first-hand that people are most confused by this period of uncertainty. And John Gray uncovers another gem-much uncertainty is caused by rushing intimacy. Once you understand this concept that, your next relationship will have a much greater chance of success if you follow the five stages of courtship in the order they were intended.

This book is more like reading Shakespeare than flipping through the pages of Cosmopolitan. John Gray's writing style reflects the fact that he spent many years in school, writing thesis after thesis. Although it may be more fun to watch Sex and the City, reading this book will be a lot cheaper than reclining on a therapist's couch. Plus, you'll be one step closer to a lasting relationship.

This book has some good points and bad points. Like most relationship guides (i.e. The Rules), if you agree with what the author is saying, it's a good book. If you don't agree with them, it's a bad book. I think the point to take away with this book is that John Gray has talked to a LOT of people about relationships and the suggestions and information in this book is based on what he learned from talking to real people.

For example, he talks about why men don't call after a date. I had no idea that if a man didn't call you, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't like you. It's good to know the other reasons why he's not calling, and that not only is it okay for you to call him, but you SHOULD call him because it'll let him know that you're not mad at him for not calling!

He does have some very old fashioned views, such as, the man should always pay for the dates. Nevermind if the man makes $25K a year and the woman makes $70K... now-a-days that kind of thinking is just not practical. He also says some strange things like, if a man opens a car door for you, you should not reach over and unlock his door because that will take away all the pleasure that he got from opening the car door for you.

All in all, it's a good read, has some good information about the five stages of dating, why men and women act the way they do, how to talk to each other, and how to act. Take what you agree with and use it, but form your own opinions. Don't follow it like it's a bible.

I don't normally write reviews but I had to express how much this book changed my life. I have dated wonderful people and am currently with a wonderful man now in a great relationship and we have these seemingly little problems that seem to cause great stress. They don't seem like deal breakers but we are unable to move forward into the 5th stage of engagement.

My partner and I believed these differences to be personality or character differences and were starting to feel like we really weren't meant to be together but it was so conflicting with how much we loved each other, were compatible with each other, and the fact that we had all 4 chemistries together and felt like soul mates.

Then I read this book and EVERY, and I do mean every, single problem we had been struggling with was written right there, in black and white, verbatim some of the things we've said to each other. And I began to learn that our differences were not personality or character differences at all, but gender differences. Now, armed with the understanding that these gender differences are universal, we no longer need to take these issues personally. It's so true that when men & women misunderstand each other, misinterpret each other's actions, & miscommunicate their feelings, they are unable to successfully nurture each other & get what they need. The result is resentment. When resentment builds, our different interests become more extreme. We begin to polarize.

My boyfriend and I are both really honest with each other but like John Gray says, "no matter how sincere you are, if your partner is misinterpreting your innocent & automatic reactions and responses, your attempts to create a relationship may be unsuccessful. It is not enough merely to be authentic in sharing yourself; to succeed in dating you need to consider you will be interpreted as well. For this reason there are times when we cannot just "be ourselves." Instead, we must hold back our initial gut reactions & measure our responses in ways that will communicate where we are coming from."

I want to thank John Gray for his insight and for writing this book because like he says "When our relationships make sense to us, we don't make as many mistakes; we are also able to learn from mistakes and are thus released from making the same mistakes again and again. We can then be released from repeating negative patterns."

Even if you are with the right person, you cannot "just know" if you do not first create the right conditions to open your heart to someone.

Loved, loved, loved this book. Yes, it was extremely repetitive, but sometimes people need things repeated to them over and over again in order to GET it.

Whether you are new to dating, widowed or divorced and starting to date again, or in your 50th year of marriage - you will be able to gleam something from this book that will impact your life in a positive way.

Ideally - you could read this book before you embark upon the "dating chapter" of your life. But, even if you're not new to dating, this book can make an amazing and positive impact in many ways - it can increase your chances of finding the right person, reduce your chances of being hurt by or hurting someone (emotionally) during the dating process, and help you avoid scaring away someone with whom, otherwise, you could end up having a wonderful relationship.

I especially recommend this to women who are in a relationship (or, who are thinking that they "thought they were") with a man who seems to have changed all of a sudden. If you are questioning things like, where did he go? why didn't he call? why does he seem so distant now? what did I do wrong? - you are possibly at a point in the relationship where your choice of actions can make or break a relationship that might just be on the edge of going somewhere. And, likewise, I recommend this to men who feel that they've come to a point in their relationship where they all of a sudden "aren't sure" anymore, are feeling anxious or maybe even "trapped", and at the same time there is a strong need to just get away and think and/or if the woman you are dating seems to have become more insecure, worries more, questions you more, starts pressuring you more about commitment, etc. All of these situations, emotions, etc. are explained in this book. You're not the only one - it's a normal part of dating - but, unfortunately, most of us won't possibly be able to understand this without someone else pointing it out to us - like Gray has done in this book.

Even if you are married - this book opens your eyes to many things and can really improve your level of understanding with your wife/husband.

If you are the perfect mate in a perfect relationship - you may not realize some of the problems other people experience and therefore, could probably benefit from this book by being able to better identify with friends, family, children when they come to you for advice.

When I've read the famous/infamous 'The rules' I was in doubt; but when I've read 'Mars and Venus on a Date' I was convinced... The controversial 'The rules' uses time old and wise observations (even though they are oversimplified and sound manipulative), but this book takes those 'truths' and explains them from the point of view of human psychology. I understand why feminists might hate this book and why they might think it takes us (females) back a hundred years -- (if you happen to be one - the book might be that proverbial red cloth for a bull). The bottom line is -- we (as in males, females, species etc.) are created particular way... information written in our genes, many hundreds of thousands years ago, necessary for the survival of the species, regardless whether we are nice guys/girls or jerks and 'game players'. Men and women act and feel and are motivated by certain things, and not because we are mean or manipulative. I've scanned quite a few books on the subject of dating and interpersonal psychology and this book is an eye opener for those of us who can't figure out whether we should be our authentic selves in every situations or whether there is a necessity to follow some sort of rules or guidelines for successful dating. (I compare it to polite and acceptable rules of, say, behaving at a dinner table). Buy it and read it!! (it's about a buck on half.com) and even if you disagree, you will benefit from this alternative and precious knowledge!!

In a continuing effort to redefine their role in relationships and how they should be treated by men, women have either rebelled against relationships altogether or consulting books like The Rules, which, although offering some succesful strategies for a healthy relationship, border on game-playing that leaves women confused, dissatisfied, and resentful. Dr. John Gray redefines the mysterious game-playing "Rules" into sensible, understandable strategies for nurturing a relationship while at the same time being "smart" about the health of the individual. As a woman who is succesful in relationships, but encounters many of the same roadblocks to success in every one, I found this book to be educational, incredibly insightful, and, most importantly, validating. I began to understand what was required to have a healthy relationship, why men and women respond differently in the same situations, and that my behavior and my needs were not irrational or wrong, that they were just my natural feminine instinct. This book has changed my life and my relationships and I highly recommend it.

Talk about a wake-up call. I'm 30 years-old and feel like this book taught me more about relationships (men vs. women mentality) in 1 hour than I've learned in all that time. While reading it, you will have light-bulb after light-bulb type moments. Heck, you may even smack yourself square in the forehead with a resounding, "D'oh!" John Gray knows men and he knows women, and the biggest lesson he contiues to teach is that we are NOT the same. We do NOT think the same. This book does a fantastic job of not only explaining that, but also giving us advice on how we go about having a successful relationship in spite of our differences. A must read. For women...AND men!

Mars and Venus On A Date is indeed a very enriching read. Many but not all romantic relationships do fall into John Gray's five stages of Attraction, Uncertainty, Exclusive, Intimacy, and Marriage. The attraction levels of Physical, Emotional, Intellectual, and Spiritual are explained quite well from both the Venus and Mars perspective.

Common arguments are discussed in great detail. Never try to solve a woman's problem and never offer unsolicated advice to a man. Also to either sex, just apologize without making excuses. Admit your faults and the other party will be more forgiving.

I don't necesarilly agree with Gray's assessment that a woman should not reach over to open the car door for a man early in the dating process. Truthfully its a minor issue and its not worth the emphasis that it was given.

Good emphasis on what men and women need in a partner and their lives. Men like to feel that what they have to offer is needed. Its Ok to use men to a point. Women don't want to have to do it all. They get depressed if they realize that they have to do everything themselves.

Some good analysis and common sense. Overall it gets my seal of approval.

First of all, to answer another reviewer's concern about how the author gained his knowledge, John Gray holds a Ph.D. and is extremely well respected around the world in his area of expertise - the psychology of human realtionships. His qualified opinions are not based simply on personal experience or opinion, but on proven, scientific fact and theory. His acclaimed books have been published and sold by the millions, world-wide, in forty languages.

Like his renowned book, "Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus" this book is an insightful look into the psychology of the male-female relationship. This one, however, draws on the behaviours before marriage or a commitment has been made. As Grey points out, normally there is a five step sequence of events that takes place when dating: attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacey and engagement. As a counsellor who has studied psychology and human behaviour, this is one book I have recommended to many couples and received nothing but positive feedback, not once have I heard a negative comment.

This author deserves abundant praises for his research, expertise and writing ability. His books are an opportunity for both male and female readers to learn and understand more about themselves and their personal relationships. He adds a slight touch of humour to his unique writing style, and from the very first page, the reader cannot help but feel, "this is a person I can trust." Based on the world-wide success of books, obviously a multitude of other readers around the globe agree. His books are not "sexist" as some believe; they are an actual account based on fact from a psychological perspective.

For anyone who complains about the length of the book, a shorter version would not do the book justice. Each page is a key component to the overall picture, and if you fail to see it's purpose, you are missing out on a valuable part of the overall analyis.

I highly recommend "Mars and Venus on a Date" to anyone who is dating, regardless of age. Gray has a terrific presentation style and the principles of the book are not limited to any particular age group. Even if you are not currently dating, read the book anyway; it contains some insightful and priceless observations.