A breakup, divorce, or loss of a loved one isn't just the end of your relationship with that person. It's a continuation of every feeling of abandonment you've ever suffered. It's the loss of a system of approval you'd come to depend on. The struggle, as Gray points out in Starting Over
, isn't just to find a new partner, but to get over those feelings of abandonment or loss or anger or whatever else gets dredged up by the end of a relationship.
Perhaps the book's most crucial chapter posits that the best way to get over the loss of love is to focus on the "love" more than the "loss." That may seem impossible, especially if the bum took off with your best friend, your life savings, and your Lyle Lovett CDs, but Gray didn't get to be a household name because the advice in his Venus and Mars books doesn't work. Remembering only the bad parts, Gray says, leaves you with an important part of your emotional being closed to new business.
As for the Venus and Mars stuff, that comes in the second half of the book, when Gray looks at how men and women start new relationships from different points of view, with different priorities (a man might want to have fun with no strings attached; a woman might carry with her a lengthy list of requirements for her next partner, a list that excludes virtually all available men).
If you've never read Gray's work before, you have to be prepared to check your cynicism at the door. This is earnest stuff, but it's also based on decades of experience counseling clients. He's not one of those photogenic, nine-times-divorced shrinklets who's telling you how to conduct your relationships without any real clue of what makes love last. This is the real package: nothing glib, nothing quick and easy, nothing you could've figured out from a "Love Is..." cartoon.
About the Author
John Gray, Ph.D., is the author of Mars and Venus on a Date
, a follow-up to his phenomenal bestselling book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
, which has sold more than 6 million copies in the United States and millions more in 40 languages around the world. Gray is also the author of the bestselling Mars and Venus in the Bedroom
, Mars and Venus Together Forever
, Men, Women and Relationships
, What Your Mother Couldn't Tell You and Your Father Didn't Know
, the recently published Mars and Venus in Love
, and the star of a new CD-ROM version of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.
An internationally regarded expert in the field of communication, relationships and personal growth, Dr. Gray's focus is assisting men and women in understanding, respecting and appreciating their differences. Over the past quarter century he has conducted public and private seminars with a total of more than a million participants. In his highly acclaimed books and in his popular weekend seminar, "Men, Women and Relationships," Gray entertains and inspires his audiences with practical insights and easy-to-use techniques that they can apply to enrich their relationships immediately.
Gray is happily married to Bonnie Gray and has three daughters -- Laren, Julie and Shannon. He not only understands first-hand the principles of successful marriage, he's also experienced the serious problems that can trouble any union, having previously married and divorced.
Gray lived as a monk for nine years, which helped him to learn about solitude and serenity. He studied for many years with the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and received both his B.A. and his M.A. in Creative Intelligence from Maharishi European Research University. In 1982 received his doctorate in psychology and human sexuality from Columbia Pacific University.
John Gray is a popular speaker on the national lecture circuit and makes frequent appearances on television and radio programs to discuss his work. Gray has been interviewed on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Donahue, Good Morning America, Eye to Eye With Connie Chung, CNBC and CNN, as well as on countless local television and radio programs across the country. He has been profiled in USA Today and People magazine, and is regularly quoted in Cosmopolitan , Glamour and other popular magazines.