Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One [Paperback]

John Gray (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: June 18, 2002

Is it possible to find love again after a breakup, death, or divorce?

At the end of a relationship, it can sometimes feel like the end of the world. Devastation, loneliness, and bitterness are some emotions that exist due to a breakup, divorce, or the loss of a loved one. But with the help of this compassionate guide, Dr. John Gray expresses that you will survive and tells you how to find love again.

While the process of healing is similar with both sexes, there are distinct differences between the ways men and women heal their bruised hearts. In Mars and Venus Starting Over, Dr. Gray offers gender-specific advice on how to:

• Deal with pain
• Find forgiveness
• Discover the strength to let go
• Rebuild confidence
• Rise to the challenge of finding fulfillment again

Filled with gentle guidance, healing practices, and compassionate wisdom, Mars and Venus Starting Over will help men and women explore the meaning of loss, find their way through the healing process, and discover the secret to moving on.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

A breakup, divorce, or loss of a loved one isn't just the end of your relationship with that person. It's a continuation of every feeling of abandonment you've ever suffered. It's the loss of a system of approval you'd come to depend on. The struggle, as Gray points out in Starting Over, isn't just to find a new partner, but to get over those feelings of abandonment or loss or anger or whatever else gets dredged up by the end of a relationship.

Perhaps the book's most crucial chapter posits that the best way to get over the loss of love is to focus on the "love" more than the "loss." That may seem impossible, especially if the bum took off with your best friend, your life savings, and your Lyle Lovett CDs, but Gray didn't get to be a household name because the advice in his Venus and Mars books doesn't work. Remembering only the bad parts, Gray says, leaves you with an important part of your emotional being closed to new business.

As for the Venus and Mars stuff, that comes in the second half of the book, when Gray looks at how men and women start new relationships from different points of view, with different priorities (a man might want to have fun with no strings attached; a woman might carry with her a lengthy list of requirements for her next partner, a list that excludes virtually all available men).

If you've never read Gray's work before, you have to be prepared to check your cynicism at the door. This is earnest stuff, but it's also based on decades of experience counseling clients. He's not one of those photogenic, nine-times-divorced shrinklets who's telling you how to conduct your relationships without any real clue of what makes love last. This is the real package: nothing glib, nothing quick and easy, nothing you could've figured out from a "Love Is..." cartoon. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

About the Author

John Gray, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized expert in the fields of communication and relationships. The author of fifteen books, he has been conducting personal-growth seminars for more than thirty years and writes "Mars Venus Advice," a weekly syndicated column that has appeared in more than one hundred media outlets, including Newsday, the Los Angeles Times, and the Detroit Free Press. He also has a weekly Internet broadcast with over two million listeners at Marsvenus.com. Gray has been a contributing editor at Redbook and a contributor to ivillage.com, Brides, and Divorce magazines. He lives with his wife and three children in Northern California.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 352 pages
• Publisher: Harper Perennial; 1st edition (June 18, 2002)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0060930276
• ISBN-13: 978-0060930271
• Product Dimensions: 7.9 x 5.4 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (50 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #19,897 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #3 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Relationships > Love & Loss
  • #74 in Books > Self-Help > Self-Esteem

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

60 of 61 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The Breakup Bible, July 28, 2002

By 

Sara (New York) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One (Paperback)

What's refreshing about this book is that it does more than just say "Don't call him!" or "Hang out with your girlfriends more." It focuses on your emotions and how you can heal them so you can move on eventually and find love again. It actually validates your feelings of anger, sadness, and loneliness and even calls them "healing emotions," necessary for healing your broken heart and moving on. Instead of telling you to completely forget about your former partner and not think about him/her all the time, he ENCOURAGES you to think about the good times and what you did as a couple. Gray goes into every emotion with great detail, and gives you plenty of exercises to bring them out so they can be healed. And as a woman, it's refreshing to read a breakup book that doesn't "male bash." It doesn't go on about why men can't commit, blah, blah, blah. Since it's for both men and women, it gives both sides of the story (and surprisingly--or not--we both go through pretty much the same thing!) . And it never says "there is no possibility you'll ever be with this person again, so get over it", but it does state you need to heal from the breakup first before considering getting back together with your former mate. This book will immensely change your life and the way you think about relationships. Most of all, it will help you get through a very painful part of your life...with your sanity intact!

46 of 47 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars If you fit into any of the categories, rush to get this book, November 10, 2003

By 

Blaine Greenfield "eclectic reader" (Belle Meade, NJ) - See all my reviews
(TOP 1000 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One (Paperback)

Heard and enjoyed the taped version of MARS AND VENUS STARING
OVER by John Gray . . . the subtitle says it all: "A Practical Guide
for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce or the Loss of
a Loved One."

If anybody finds himself or herself in any of those categories, then
rush out to get this book (or the tapes) . . . you'll find a lot of
useful advice.

The first third is general information . . . Gray then presents material
relevant to women first, men second . . . I found the latter section
particularly valuable for what it had to say to me.

Among the ideas that I got from listening:
* The three steps for healing a broken bone are: getting help, resetting
the bone, and them giving it time to heal by protecting the bone in
a cast. In a similar way, the three steps for healing the heart are:
Step One: Getting help
Step Two: Grieving the loss
Step Three: Becoming whole before getting involved again

* [the four healing emotions]
Healing Emotion 1: Anger
Feeling then releasing anger reconnects us to our passion for love and life.

Healing Emotion 2: Sadness
Feeling and then releasing sadness opens our hearts to fell the sweetness
of love once again

Healing Emotion 3: Fear
Feeling and then releasing fear provides the ability to discern what we need
and can depend on now.

Healing Emotion 4: Sorrow
Feeling and then releasing sorrow provides the ability to discern what is
possible.

* Another way to process the four healing emotions is simply to ask
yourself these four questions. Often men find this an easier approach
in the beginning. By answering these questions, our healing emotions
automatically begin to come up. While answering these questions,
give yourself permission to feel anger, sadness, fear, sorrow, and any
other similar feelings.
1. What happened?
2. What didn't happen?
3. What could happen?
4. What can't happen?

If you wish to explore a little deeper, there are a few more questions you can
ask and answer.

QUESTION ONE
What happened that you didn't want to happen?
What is happening that you don't want to happen?
What has happened that you do not like?

QUESTION TWO
What didn't happen that you wanted to happen?
What is not happening that you want to happen?
What should have happened?

QUESTION THREE
What could happen that you don't want to happen?
What is important to you?
What could happen that you want to happen?

QUESTION FOUR
What can't happen that you want to happen?
What can't happen that you wish could have happened?
What can happen that you want to happen?

By asking these four questions or practicing the three parts of the feeling
better exercise, you will be better prepared to heal the waves of feeling
that come from your loss. With this technique, you will be able to remember
your partner without having to get stuck in painful feelings. With this insight
and ability, you are free to stay in touch with your feelings and complete
the healing process.

29 of 29 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars WHAT - NO MORE STARS?, June 13, 2001

By 

Sandra D. Peters "Seagull Books" (Prince Edward Island, Canada) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Mars & Venus Starting Over (Mass Market Paperback)

Life would be so much easier if everyone had a John Gray looking over their shoulder! As a counsellor, I have unending respect for Gray's expertise and success, As a reader, I find his books are a learning experience based on fact and mind-absorbing, leaving much food for thought.

Based on my studies in psychology as well as one who did, in fact, start over many years ago, I can honestly say the information this author delivers may well be a lifeline in a turbulent sea of emotion. Considering the high divorce rate, the overwhelming number of relationships ending with the slamming of the door, and the vast number of individuals who experience the death of a partner, Gray's book gives hope and inspires.

Grey's advice on focusing on love rather than loss is a first critical step. Denial is not a wonderful thing; acceptance is. With the closing of each door, the opportunity to open another follows. Accept the relationship for however beautiful it was, or wasn't, and move on. Take strength and knowledge from what you have learned and the time you shared together (no matter how long or short,)and use what you have learned to grow.

Gray also looks at the differences between a man's reaction and a woman's reaction to starting over. Often, it is difficult for both men and women to trust again, or to simply pur the energy into starting over. By clinging to the past, you could be missing out on a life of happiness. When marriages end (legal or common-law) men often deal with this by attempting to recapture lost youth (depending on age) or by playing the carefree, no-strings-attached guy. Woman, on the other hand, often have a mental list of so many traits they do, or do not, want any future man to have (if indeed they ever want one at all, at this point) that they eliminate 99% of the men on Earth! Much of the frustration stems from our youthful days, of falling in love with an "image" of what we THINK a man or woman should be. Alas, in the real world, there are no perfect people; we all have imperfections and possess both strengths and weaknesses. Nothing in this life lasts forever, and life does not come with a guarantee we will always be happy.

Gray's principles can also be applied to those who have lost a partner to death, many are afraid that no matter who they find in the future, they will never measure up to what they had. It is unfair to yourself, to deny yourself happiness in the future. Rest assured, your departed partner would want you to choose happiness over sorrow.

Personally, and as a counsellor, if I was asked to recommend a book on starting over that is straight forward and written in plain, simple English everyone can understand, this would definitely be at the top of the list. I simply cannot say enough good words about "Mars and Venus Starting Over" or the author, John Grey; all his books are absolutely priceless. If your relationship is coming to an end, or has already ended, and regardless of gender or age, I highly recommend this valuable, insightful book. It will not only help you to better understand yourself, but will give you a clearer understanding of others.