Customer Reviews

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships

5 star:		(117)
4 star:		(63)
3 star:		(39)
2 star:		(34)
1 star:		(76)

 

 

Before writing this review, I spent some time looking over many of the other reviews on here. The spread is interesting, and I think it comes from a misunderstanding of the very limited scope of this book.

First off, if you're looking for a book to explain the innate differences (if there are any?) between men and women, this is definitely not it. Further, if you're looking for a book that dives deep into communication theory and has profound statements regarding the nature of good communication, this is equally lacking. The title betrays the purpose. This book is a badly written collection of common sense ideas and tactics to use when communicating in a relationship.

Why 4 stars? Because common sense is not as common as people think. I am amazed at the 1-star ratings by "intellectuals" who charge that this book stands on very shaky philosophic ground, and that it does not live up to the high caliber of true scientific studies into communication fundamentals and/or gender differences. Get a grip! That's not the purpose of the book!

This book is equivalent to an "Idiot's Guide to Listening, Respect, and Communication, with Easy-to-Remember Examples." Intellectuals charging that the common person should read XYZ's scientific study about the fundamentals is missing the basic point -- I don't want to know the fundamentals of communication (at the moment), I just want to know why my last girlfriend got offended when I offered solutions when she was complaining about work. Sounds simple? Not for all of us.

I have a degree in rocket engineering and I am very confident that I could tear a book about "Physics for the common person" to ribbons for making vast over-generalizations and ignoring (what I consider to be) key details in the trade. I could easily humble half the readers of this review if we were talking about rocket dynamics. But would I criticize a beginner's physics book if it generates interest in my favorite subject? Of course not! You can't mock a beginner's book for not addressing the advanced issues.

Further, it is hard to argue with the couples who say their marriage has been saved by this book. All idealism and charges of misogynistic text aside - if it works, it works. Period.

I find it kind of humorous that those most offended by the generalizations made in this book are the ones most quickly to generalize. You must remember: Not all stereotypes are false, or even bad. When I go to China and sit down at a restaurant, I'm going to ask for chopsticks, and not forks. Why? Because I stereotype all people in China as eating with chopsticks. Is this bad, or just efficient?

Many men and women fall into the stereotypes as described in this book. Whether or not you agree with those stereotypes as being "right" or "acceptable" is really irrelevant to the point. Further, the stereotypes are just a method of conveying the information. Gray is just trying to document the two different most common reactions to stress, and labels them "male" and "female" according to stereotype. He might as well have labeled them "North" and "South" for all I care -- the point is not the male/female generalizations, the point is understanding BOTH ways of dealing with stress (talking about it or receding into thought) and how to correctly handle it when you or your partner starts doing either.

Last, but certainly not least, let's get off the charges of women-hating. The book is almost literally a mirror within itself, as every paragraph generalizing women has its counterpart generalizing men. While you can charge that he mislabels both equally, those who look at this evenly stacked book and somehow derive a women-bashing lean are simply playing up their own insecurities, opinions, and political stances regarding the genders. The book is an almost word-for-word split between the two (if you don't believe me, go back and look!). If you can only see the women-bashing side of things, while nonchalantly accepting all the male generalizations, then you are reading through your own mental filter, and should take a moment to consider that.

I recommend this book to those of you who may not have the common sense that the elitist intellectuals profess, nor the ludicrous sensitivity to one side of an equally balanced portrayal of (admittedly overgeneralized) gender roles.

The worst thing about this book is its repetition. First he tells you what he is going to say, then he says it, then he tells you what he just said. Then he repeats the gist of it between dotted lines in the middle of the page. When Gray cites examples, he lists so many that I, for one, don't have the patience to read the whole list. Plus, you may already be familiar with many of the ideas expressed, so you may find yourself skimming most of this book.

The best thing is that if you take away the repetition, the ideas expressed are true and useful for most people. At least, I think so, and I scoffed at the title, insisting I must be from Jupiter, and refused to read it for years.

Much of the advice to women I had already figured out on my own. (Example: you notice the garbage can is overflowing and wish your man would empty it. You wonder why he didn't notice & empty it already, and wish he would do it without being asked. You feel tempted to deliver a long lecture about why he should have done it already, and present an airtight case that he is guilty of neglect. The question is, which is more important, 1. proving you are right and he is wrong, or 2. getting an empty bag in the garbage can? If the answer is 2., skip the lecture and just ask him politely to do it.)

My favorite chapter was "Women Are Like Waves." In it, Gray describes a cyclical fluctuation in women's moods. Just when it seems a woman is on top of the world, she plummets, and has to reach bottom before feeling good again. Gray's wife Bonnie calls the down part of the cycle being in a well. When a woman is in her well, she confronts whatever is difficult in her life. Gray advises men to resist the temptation to try to "fix" the problem, and just be there for her and listen. He warns that the woman will feel worse before she feels better, because she has to "bottom out" before she can rise again. The most important point is that the whole thing will reoccur. Any unresolved issues in a woman's life will reappear whenever she's in her well, whether they are from her past, problems with her current relationship, her career, etc. This can create a sense of "déjà vu" in an intimate relationship - "didn't we talk about this already?" From my own experience, I believe this pattern exists, at least during difficult times, and I can understand how these reoccurring conversations must be puzzling and frustrating for men. Gray's advice to them is right on target.

This book has often been criticized for perpetuating stereotypes or insisting everyone is the same. Many readers seem to have ignored this caveat on page 6: "I make many generalizations about men and women in this book. Probably you will find some comments truer than others...after all, we are unique individuals with unique experiences."

I don't know why some readers have thought this book is insulting to women. It describes women as caring, feeling individuals who want to connect with others. It could just as easily be said it insults men by portraying them as pre-verbal, insensitive troglodytes driven by power, competition, and the fear of intimacy. Personally, I think both sexes are portrayed fairly. The aim of the book is not to pigeonhole people, but to alleviate misunderstandings brought about by common differences between men and women in what we value, what motivates us, and how we communicate.

Because of the repetition, I don't think the book is worth buying. But it's worth going out of your way to borrow it from a friend, from the library, or to spend some time with it in your local bookstore.

I was really skeptical when a friend told me this book was fantastic. Especially when I realized it was written by a guy who was writing relationship books even before he got a divorce (he has since remarried successfully). I figured it was a trendy book that was going to stereotype men and women and say a few facts about the obvious differences- but I figured, it was worth looking at, couldn't possibly hurt anything.

Boy, were we surprised! First my husband and I tried so hard to convince each other we were not like the average Martian and Venutian, but really much as the motivations were oversimplified it really did describe incredibly well exactly how we behaved under certain circumstances. And gave really concrete tips on what to do differently to avoid communication gaps. Now when we start getting frustrated we can take a step back and say "oh, we're having a Mars-Venus moment here" and we find our communication, honestly, is greatly improved, and we're happier.

Once we'd gotten the first few points down we found the book somewhat repetitive and overly simplistic- applying the same concepts to every possible situation, even when obvious- but then every now and again we'd start a new chapter and walk away saying "wow, I never realized that. you really think that way about things?" Overall, every relationship could use a few communication tips, and I certainly learned a lot more than I thought I would from this book. It's fantastic.

This book is great as a way of understanding how our culture trains boys and girls to be different. We teach girls that they can cry when they're sad, talk about their feelings, and share experiences with each other. We teach boys that they need to 'buck up' and be manly, to hide the tears, to face it like a man, to be the rock on which the females can rely. It is no surprise that these lessons affect adults, and affect how male and females relate (or fail to relate) to each other.

In essence, a few core themes run through the book, being supported by various examples, and different wording that help make the points clear.

First, men are goal-oriented, internalizing, and when they are stressed, "retreat to a cave" to consider what to do. They want to come to a solution on their own, and *then* emerge. To try to help them while they are in the "cave" is counter productive.

Men want to be trusted and admired. This is the whole Knight-in-Armor, John Wayne, Rambo training we have given men. They want to feel that the woman believes in them. To question a man is to show your doubt. The book recommends if your man is lost while driving, or forgets something while travelling, to just be quiet and accept it. It will show your trust in him to get there eventually or to solve the problem. I'm personally not sure if tihs is always wise advice.

Women, on the other hand, are nurturing, expressive, feeling individuals who tend to use poetic license such as saying "you ALWAYS forget to do that chore" or "you NEVER listen to me". The advice given to men is to take what women say with a grain of salt, and not to react to any of it literally. Most of what women want, according to the book, is just to be heard. Women don't want solutions or answers. They want to feel that their feelings are being heard and understood ... they want to be held and be told "Yes, yes, I understand". The book explains that men make the mistake of thinking women tell them things in order for the men to *fix* those things. Instead, the women tell them things in order to share their feelings, but aren't seeking actual resolutions.

While I agree that women are trained to share feelings and to sometimes be overly emotional, to tell a man that women never want resolutions, and always exaggerate, is not treating a woman as a logical human being perfectly capable of wanting answers.

There is definitely a lot of helpful information in the book. It is of course good to show trust in your husband. It is important to understand what your wife *means* and not just pick apart what she literally has *said*. It is good to understand that society trains men to "retreat" to consider problems, and that they consider interference during this time as "harassment" instead of "helpful". It's good to realize that women have emotional cycles and can sometimes be happy, and sometimes sad, and that nobody is always happy.

However, be sure to read the book as a guideline on how to help your relationship, and not as a Bible which has the exact ways in which you and your special partner can relate to each other. It definitely has interesting hints and tips, and interesting stories to share. It also has many generalizations that, for many individuals, simply do not apply.

If you and your spouse aren't getting along before reading the book, look out - the sparks may just start flying faster after reading it! It is filled with bad advice. As a woman, I found it insulting that my husband just has to pretend that he is listening. Greys basic advice to men - make her believe she is being heard - it doesn't matter if you are thinking about the football game etc., just nod, grunt and say uh-huh - that's all she requires. Even if you make the effort to hear (I won't even mention the word listen) it doesn't matter, she's just babbling on and on anyway. And, that's all the communication the relationship requires, because as a male you don't really have any thoughts or feelings to share yourself. If you can even talk. Hello - Real communication comes from the mutual desire of both parties to understand each other- which requires active, HONEST listening and verbalizing by both parties. Secondly, he believes that all men must retreat into their caves and must NOT be disturbed - especially by a bimbo - or look out the caveman might just come out with his club. He is very unfair in dealing with both genders' capacity to communicate with each other. I think the information in this book has the potential of making a strained relationship worse. We stopped reading it. We were beginning to argue about the things in the book - thinking the other person was possibly doing the stereotyped activity - i.e going to the cave - not wanting to be disturbed, not listening, etc., when it wasn't the case at all. It literally provided more argumentative material for our "discussions". Obviously, I don't recommend this book. We have done much better without it.

This book contains many observations which I believe to be quite accurate. People do have their own patterns of communication, styles for dealing with difficulties, and desired forms of encouragement and caring. Knowledge of these differences provides one with a great freedom to deal with, and understand, people that might have patterns that differ from one's own.

This strength comes from noting, and becoming aware of, these differences without judging either yourself or others (ie. your partner, friends, or family) as "wrong" for them.

I really enjoyed reading this, especially as I've just recently read another book which presents a similar theme: Working On Yourself Doesn't Work (by Ariel and Shya Kane).

That book goes beyond styles of communication, and discusses the idea of observation without judgement as an approach which can help resolve - and even dissolve - many otherwise difficult situations.

Lots of the negative reviews on this site are by women who feel patronized by Grey's superficial and insulting claptrap.

However the book is just as insulting to men. It's core message to men is: you can fix your relationship by not acting like a complete jerk every time you're with your partner, even if it's only once a week, and even if you aren't sincere.

For example, Grey thinks you'll be the world's #1 chick-magnet if you show appreciation for the fact that your partner does all the cooking, cleaning, garbage duties etc. Never mind offering to actually contribute to the relationship, just nod when your partner complains about doing all the work. Many of the anecdotes come from John Grey's own experiences. From what the man describes of his own shallow and cavemanlike behaviour, it's no wonder that all the women he knows complain a lot!

If my brain ever fell out and I started to take any of Grey's advice, I reckon my now happy and fulfilling marriage would be over in a year (just like John Grey's).

How anyone can read this book and rave is beyond me - dreadful beyond words, and dangerous to boot. I'm so glad I read a borrowed copy - if I'd helped John Grey get rich(er) I'd be ashamed. Worth WAY less than one star.

My son-in-law thought this book was the "cat's meow"--the answer to all his marital problems so he strongly recommended that I read this book. I tried, but I couldn't get more than a 1/3 of the way through. Usually I can read anything but this was an unhappy exception. I looked at the cover and saw Ph.D. after the author's name and thought, you got to be kidding. This book wouldn't pass Freshman English with a C-grade, much less Introductory Psychology! Then I found out that the author is not licensed to practice what he preaches and he got his Ph. D. degree through a mail-order diploma mill. I'm surprised he got this thing published with such shaky credentials. It's really scary to see that he's been on the Best Seller list and is writing more of this trash. By the way, the book did not save my son-in-law's marriage. My step-daughter wisely gave him, and this book, the heave-ho. I recommend that you do the same.

Do you know about the differences between men and women? If not - read this wonderful book! The author has a funny way to descibe and illustrate the different behaviours and emotions of men and women - which often cause stress and unhappiness in relationships and in life circumstances. His way of writing made me laugh - so that I enjoyed reading this book and got a feeling of acceptance of mechanical behaviours of both sexes. When I told a friend of mine about this book, she gave me another one which I liked as much as the one of John Gray and which I would like to recommend to other readers. The book "Working on yourself doesn't work" by Ariel&Shya Kane also made a big difference in my life. The thesis of the Kanes is, that beeing in the moment and becoming aware of your own mechanical behaviours hold the possibility to transform your life in the way they "define" transformation so that different possibilities to live a happy life and success in different ways work out. So as a resumé: a big "Thank you" to John Gray and the Kanes for their wonderful works and the differences, they made in my life!

The one good thing about this book is that it is well organized. It is poorly written and low in substance. It left me feeling that the author understands neither gender more than a lay person. Its popularity, in my view, makes it a marketing masterpiece.