Customer Reviews

The Mask of Motherhood: How Becoming a Mother Changes Everything and Why We Pretend It Doesn't

5 star:		(29)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(7)
1 star:		(6)

 

 

I was prompted to write a review to counter some of the negative reviews that I read about this book on this site. I bought it despite the negative reviews because it came so highly recommended by a friend. I wasn't sorry at all. This is an excellent look at the realities of motherhood for all women, but I think particularly for women who are older & have been engaged in an active professional life for some period of time. I have a number of friends who really could have benefitted from the author's insights into the adjustments to motherhood.

Because of the negative reviews, I admit that I read it on the lookout for evidence that the author was biased against motherhood or for any indication that she herself didn't enjoy motherhood. I found no evidence of this at all! She's not arguing that women who had an easy time with delivery and/or enjoy breastfeeding are lying. She's simply pointing out that it is an adjustment for many women, and yet it's not necessarily discussed (which leaves many women wondering if they are normal or not).

Her chapter on breastfeeding is *not* anti-breastfeeding. It is obvious that she is not a proponent of the attachment theory of parenting (Sears et al). But, for goodness sakes, just because one doesn't necessarily believe in demand feeding doesn't mean one is anti-breastfeeding!

I also thoroughly enjoyed her chapters on The Juggled Life (balancing career & outside interests with motherhood) and the Superwoman chapter on gender roles that may play out in marriages after the arrival of the first baby.

I highly recommend this book -- it's excellent "food for thought," whether you're considering having children, are pregnant or already have one or more children.

I am a mother of a 19-month old and read this book several months ago. I was looking for confirmation that the feelings I was experiencing as a new mom were not unique to me, odd, or unusual. This book encouraged me to relax and trust myself. I've asked friends and my sisters to share their feelings of motherhood -- whether they experienced any negative feelings about the change in their lifestyles, etc., and not one could relate to what I was talking about -- they all simply showered me with how great their kids are...This book descibes that process as typical as we are raised not to complain or label any of the feelings associated with motherhood as negative, no matter how valid those feelings might be. I adore my child -- that is not even in question, and this author seemed to capture the thought process I've experienced as a tired working mom. I recommend this book to any mom who is looking for a honest answer to her question "do you ever feel..."

I wish I had found this book three years ago when I was struggling with post-partum blues, then maybe I wouldn't have felt so alone. I wish I had found this book when I couldn't keep breastfeeding my two, then maybe I wouldn't have felt like a failure or guilty because I wasn't a "good enough mom." This book had me nodding my head throughout the entire book ~~ and yes, there were points that I disagreed with but that's because it wasn't relevant to my situation. This is a must-read for all moms who are overwhelmed with taking care of children and juggling work and childcare.

Unlike some of the reviewers in here, I did not find this book to be negative. I found the author to be concise and thoughtful in her narrative. She shared with the reader her experiences and was honest. She did not make it sound like motherhood is a negative thing ~~ just sometimes, women get blindsided by reality that they had little or no prior knowledge of what to expect. Women just do not talk about these things. Women just do not talk about their lack of breastfeeding experiences or how overwhelmed they are when they are first home with their children and how overwhelmed they get when they go back to work. Sometimes, even the spouses don't help out and they (both mothers and fathers of newborns) find out that they've fallen in traditional roles. However, she did point out that it's just as much as the women's fault as the men's in allowing that to happen. (That is one chapter I read with misgivings because it doesn't fit in my life and perceptions of what is like in my own family.)

This is an informative book ~~ one that I urge all mothers read. It is enlightening and honest. It is not a dry book ~~ it is very interesting and pretty fast paced for me. I did not find this book to be negative in complaining about motherhood. Reality is reality and sometimes, it's hard to bear. I know that I denied my first year of motherhood ~~ I didn't want to admit that I struggled with a lot of issues that were going on at that time. No one wants to admit that being a mother is hard sometimes and that it's tedious, boring and sometimes, just too much. But isn't that true of life? Being a mother may be a job but it is a job that spans over an entire lifetime ~~ and like any job, there are moments of pleasure, joy and tedium.

Any woman who wants to stop feeling alone should read this book. It's worth it.

5-15-06

Are you a new mother who finds yourself feeling angry all the time? Are you having a hard time reconciling Motherhood into your self-concept? Read this book! Basically a sociology book, "The Mask of Motherhood" explores the reasons why this generation - the 30 and 40 somethings - are having the most difficult time in history adjusting to the demands of parenting. Like it or not, we are the unwilling guinea pigs of the Feminist Experiment. We are the first generation raised to expect much more out of life than just home and children. Our higher expectations make it tough for us to handle the almost complete sacrifice of self that caring for an infant or small child requires. This book doesn't offer any answers, but the glaringly honest examination of the reasons behind this problem will make you think - and reassure you that you're not the only one feeling this way!

Susan Maushart tells it like it is--everything from how labor KILLS to how basically impossible it is to combine a career and motherhood (that is, you can do it, but you can't do both equally well and without a lot of pain), to how a good marriage and parenthood pretty much don't go together.

I'm oversimplifying what she has so painstakingly researched and written of course--the book is eloquent and thorough. Her theme throughout is not how terrible motherhood is, but what a monumental and difficult achievement it is, and how women need to not be afraid to tell it like it is, so mothers around the world can get recognition and validation for their experiences (and not feel like they are crazy). I think she opens up some terribly important arguments, issues that have been kept way too quiet. And it does alot to validate mothers who might otherwise be thinking "Am I the only one feeling this way?" For these reasons, it's definitely worth reading.

As a warning, though, I found the book's tone a bit pessimistic by the time I got through the 200+ pages. I think Maushart takes it for granted that we KNOW motherhood is a joy, a meaningful experience, so she doesn't spend alot of time elaborating on the merits of motherhood. Most of the writing is, instead, on the fallouts of motherhood--the alarming rate of mental illness among new mothers, the depressing statistics of even liberated men who don't help out, etc. When there are exceptions--women who coast through labor, or men who help out equally--she makes it sound as if they are the "oddballs" (an actual word she uses in that context) and that this is not something you should realistically hope for. So especially if you're not a mom, it's easy to finish the book feeling, "God, motherhood sounds awful!" even though you know this is not her point.

A more upbeat and lighthearted (and balanced) book on the joys and agonies of motherhood is the Girlfriend's Guide to Surviving Your First Year of Motherhood.

I have survived the first year of my first child's life (barely) and thought that no one else must be feeling what I do. What a relief to read an honest, intelligent book that shatters the masks all us mothers wear. People often say that having a child completely changes your life. They are wrong. It completely ENDS your life, and you begin a new life. Susan Maushart articulates the fears and hardships of this huge adjustment with much wit and insight. I cannot recommend this book enough to those mothers out there who are feeling conflicted and/or downright depressed. You are not alone and although there are no concrete "solutions" to what you are feeling, just knowing that it is ok to feel it is a help.

This is a book for any woman who feels as if she's been lied to in the process of becoming a mother. The author covers a litany of misleading "look good" stories told by friends of women considering motherhood, or mothers-to-be. The author sensitively acknowledges the special love between mother and child, but also acknowledges that it's still very hard work raising children--and as any parent of a teenager can tell you, it doesn't get easier as they get older. It is unfortunate that she didn't say more about difficult births and infant death because it happens far more often that anyone cares to think about. I would have given the book five stars except that in the first chapter, I felt she tread ever so closely to going overboard on the feminist agenda. I believe women are much to blame for the conspiracy of silence about the down side of motherhood. But the first chapter put me off a little and I nearly put it down for good. To potential readers I would say, it's a good read and very thought-provoking. Don't be put off by the first chapter, and continue on through the rest of the book because it gets better. Oh yes, and tell your friends about it if you dare!

I agree with the other reviewers who say that this is a book that has long needed to be written.

I first became a mother in 1985, and by 1988 when I had my second child, I, too, like Maushart, had begun to feel great anger and pain at the "conspiracy of silence" among mothers about how "easy" and "constantly inspiring and joyful" the job of mothering is. I agree with the author that there is great fear among most of us mothers, particularly college-educated, professional, feminist women, of admitting that mothering is the hardest job there is, that no one can do it effectively alone, and that we are in over our heads. Mothering throughout history has never been a one-woman undertaking, but we've been programmed to believe in the U.S., especially in the last 25 years, that there is "nothing to it."

I applaud what Maushart has to say about the frequently cited feminist fantasy that: (a) all our options will continue to be open after motherhood, combined with the rather sexistly inculcated belief we are all prone to, even feminists, that (b) mothering is an "easy" job, easier than "men's work" in the business world. No wonder we become deluded that, hey, I'll just easily pump out that baby, then go on truckin' just as before, no problem, no big deal. I can, afterall, "have it all" because I want it.

I also was delighted to hear someone at last talking about the other big shock that feminist women encounter who are married to, we thought, feminist men: the baby's father's overnight Jekyll-to-Hyde return to the dark ages of gender roles after baby is born, leaving the wife the lion's share of childcare duties.

I can't count how many women I know, including myself, who experienced the way this shatteringly unexpected metamorphosis can destroy a previously viable marriage, damaging trust and respect for your husband in ways that are almost impossible to repair.

Thank you so much, Ms. Maushart, for bringing out into the open the pain and disillusionment so many women in America are suffering today around the complex issue of mothering. I believe this book should be required reading for every woman from 13-45 who has no children yet but thinks she might want to become a mother someday. Now all we need is a follow-up book on one other dangerous myth of mothers. That somewhere out there is the perfect *second* husband who will be the loving, nurturing father to our children their biological father never was.

I loved this book. I wish there were more along these lines on the market. Its about time motherhood was discussed openly and honestly. All the glossy parenting magazines have such a soft focus on all aspects of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood in general. Then most of us come out of the delivery room completely shell-shocked and saying 'no-one ever told me it would be like that'. Not to say everyone has a difficult birth experience, but in this age of the epidural it can sometimes come as a shock to find out what real childbirth is actually like.

I nearly cried with relief at the validation my feelings recieved through reading this book. We are told over and over again in many different ways how wonderful motherhood is, and it IS, but never is the 'shadow side' of motherhood discussed with as much candour. Even among my closest friends, we sometimes only hint at just how ambivilent out feelings sometimes are and just how much our children challenge us. Often we joke about this sort of thing, knowing all too well that we can say things in humour that are so hard to say otherwise.

I really believe it is only through facing and accepting the negative can real change and healing take place. This book is a step in the right direction because it helps give mothers permission to be honest and authentic about sharing their real experiences, thoughts and feelings.

In the end this does not diminish the positive aspects of motherhood, but actually frees us up to celebrate them more fully.

CF

At last, an honest look at motherhood and the realities so many of us face but can't/don't talk about--guilt, fear of failure, guilt, depression, guilt, rage, guilt, joy, and more guilt. My son is four years old now, and I sincerely wish that this book would have been introduced to me sooner.