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Masterminds and Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World Hardcover – September 10, 2013
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Q&A with Rosalind Wiseman
Q. Why turn your attention to boys? Haven’t they always been in an advantageous position? What has changed?
A. While in some ways it seems indisputable that boys have an advantage over girls, it depends on how you define “advantage.” Yes, some boys have social status and power that enables them to silence others—boys and girls alike. Some boys can use their advantage to hurt others and not be held accountable. But I don’t think of it as advantage per se because it’s impossible to have meaningful connections and relationships with other people when you feel entitled to use those people. And in regards to many boys in middle and high school who’ve barely started puberty, if you asked them who has more advantage, them or the ninth-grade girl who looks like she’s eighteen, they’d laugh at you. To them it seems as if girls have all the power.
Q. I know you wrote this book with boy editors from every walk of life—were you surprised by what the guys revealed to you?
A. Yes! I knew that boys had complex emotional lives, but there was a lot I didn’t know. For example, it’s funny, but boys hate it when their parents pick them up from school or practice and ask a million questions. Other things I learned are more serious. I didn’t realize how often adults dismiss boys’ feelings, or that boys regularly have experiences where people assume they’re either hormone-crazed jerks or lazy slackers—or both. I also didn’t realize how complicated lying is in “Boy World.” Boys lie for many different reasons and our (adult) responses when we catch boys doing it need to reflect an understanding of the reason they lied in the first place. If we don’t understand it, we can’t impart whatever values we want to teach boys.
It also surprised me that so many boys and young men volunteered to help me with this project. Within six months I had more than 150 boys, aged eight to twenty-four, signed on as editors. They came from all over the country and every walk of life: private East Coast boarding schools, New Orleans’s 7th and 9th ward public schools, working-class communities in the Midwest, Southern California suburbs, and every other type of educational environment imaginable. These boys assisted me throughout the writing process to make sure the book was accurate and relevant and captured the lives they really lead.
Q. How do you think this book will help parents to assist boys in navigating the middle and high school years?
A. I am hoping it will make parents realize that behind a boy’s silence or glib assurance that “I’m fine” is a person with deep emotional needs—one who wants meaningful relationships with adults whom he can believe in. Parents can support the emotional lives of their sons without making them soft or unable to handle life’s challenges and hardships. Giving boys the skills to be socially competent when they’re in conflict or upset with someone is the way for them to be truly secure. The boys want and need this support. I hope this book will help move the conversation forward.
Q. What can teachers, coaches, and school administrators get from this book?
A. First and foremost, they’ll gain an appreciation of how critical they are in helping boys to believe what honorable, courageous men they truly can be. Boys often see how hypocritical adults can be, and that disillusionment can make a boy not follow his passions. It can make him disengage from the things and people he values most. Every day, educators have the opportunity to be role models of what it looks like to be just, fair, and honorable. They also have the opportunity to be bullies, abusers of power, and cowards. I want educators to read Masterminds and really hear what the boys are saying about the two kinds of men that exist in their lives, and having heard it, to strive to do their best for the boys in their charge.
“Rosalind Wiseman, who so insightfully explained the world of girls in Queen Bees and Wannabes, has done it again. This book is a powerful exploration of the inner life of boys, which is far more complex than many parents and educators may realize. Wiseman reveals the unwritten rules boys must both abide by and try to overcome, and she helps parents understand boys’ reactions, as well as their own. This is an essential guide – not just for parents but anyone who wants to better understand their own childhood and its impact.”
“This book is a gem. Rosalind Wiseman offers readers deep, nuanced, up-to-the-minute insight into today's boy. She explains how and why boys, in so many areas, make it easy for parents and educators to miss out on their suffering and their strength. Most important, she shows how to reach out and lift boys up without getting on their nerves.”
--Wendy Mogel, PhD, author of the New York Times bestseller The Blessing of a Skinned Knee
"Rosalind Wiseman, the well-known ‘girl expert,’ has a real feel for the inner life of boys, and for the way they interact with their parents. Her new book, Masterminds and Wingmen, contains some of the best advice for communicating with boys that I’ve ever read: wise, clear and tough. The brilliant chapter on why boys lies to their parents is alone worth the price of the book.”
--Michael Thompson, coauthor of the New York Times bestseller Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys
“Trying to communicate with boys – teenage boys especially -- can sometimes feel like cracking the world’s most complicated secret code. What makes Masterminds and Wingmen so remarkable is how thoroughly it decrypts boy-world language. It allows us to really connect with boys. If you want to understand what’s in your son’s head, read this book!”
--Michael Gurian, New York Times bestselling author of The Wonder of Boys
“Rosalind Wiseman is perhaps America's foremost guide through the complex social hierarchies and cruel logics that govern adolescents' lives. And Masterminds and Wingmen maps the foreign territory of boys’ social and interior emotional lives as deftly and compassionately as Wiseman’s earlier book on girls. With clear analysis and down-to-earth practical advice, this book will guide many many conversations between parents and their sons.”
--Michael Kimmel, author of Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men
"Rosalind Wiseman brings a distinctive perspective and voice to whatever issue she takes up. She did it in Queen Bees and Wannabes. Now she's done it again, revealing the inner workings of 'Boy World.' I found the book insightful and useful, as both a father to sons and as a professional working with violent youth who must deal with the most serious life issues facing other people's sons."
--James Garbarino, PhD, author of Lost Boys: Why Our Sons Turn Violent and How We Can Save Them
“Don't even try parenting, teaching or coaching a boy without reading Wiseman's book -- a field manual that you’ll absolutely need if you wish to enter the strange and wondrous world of guys.”
--Richard Whitmire, author of Why Boys Fail: Saving Our Sons from an Educational System That's Leaving Them Behind
“The world bombards boys with confusing and destructive messages – the net result is the creation of characters instead of young men with character. Masterminds and Wingmen will help parents, teachers, and coaches understand young boys and make a difference in their lives. An intriguing read.”
--Dr. Kevin Leman, author of Have a New Kid by Friday
Top Customer Reviews
Communication (guess what - that shrug and clipped "fine" can actually mean something)
Helping boys handle anger
Bullying/Teasing (not just about the victim - also what to do if you see it or are part of it)
Taking responsibility for actions
And more issues interwoven in the above topics
This book has a section devoted to each topic. You can read each section as you find time (or as you encounter an issue and want some quick insight). There's also a section on the effects of different parenting types.
This book is written with the input of over 160 boys. It's not an instruction manual on how to raise boys. Rather, it gives you a glimpse on how boys think, what their perceptions are, what they are feeling and the problems they face in today's world.
The author offers advice on how to deal with these issues given the input from the boys. She also includes "LANDMINES" or what not to do because it will backfire. Along with the landmines, she acknowledges you will probably find yourself in a landmine situation, then come to the book looking for advice. Don't worry, parenting usually offers you the ability to experience a situation more than once (smile), so you can refer to the book and have a better idea of how to handle yourself the next time.
Here's an example of some of the insight provided.Read more ›
I learned a ton from this book. And being open minded, a lot of what I was doing wrong. Rosalind and her crew of boys reveal the do's and don't of boy world and how us as parents can help guide, or be shut out of their lives. She breaks it down for you listing Landmines - things parents say and do that should be avoided (or perhaps reworded). She asks parents to "Check Their Baggage" making you think about your past experiences and how those are creeping into your current parenting style. And there are many quotes directly from BOYS themselves which are insightful and honest. It's eye opening. For example, I didn't know that boys lie so much or more importantly WHY!!?! I thought it was only my son, and now I have a new insight to the boy mind.
Wiseman dives deep into how our society has shaped where our boys are now and how society has shaped our parenting. There are many ah-ha moments throughout the book on how negative we as a collective have made it for our boys. From unrealistic, unfeeling superheroes, emasculating coaches, fathers who expect son's to obey, and the constant ridicule from each other. It was depressing for me to really soak in just how difficult boy world is.Read more ›
Wiseman delivers a fairly thorough book that has helped me see things in a new light or reaffirmed what I already do, with quotes from boys underscoring and giving credibility to her opinions and advice. Wiseman included the input of boys throughout the writing process and I love that she used their quotes.
Wiseman covers a wide range of topics, everything from social circles in boys with labels for different types to different parenting profiles and the pitfalls of each to how to deal with breaking down the wall they put up yet giving them space to become independent young men. She discusses issues with anger, reasonable limits on video games, girls, homosexuality, and sports. The chapter on lying is brilliant and should be read by every parent.
I love the book and rate it 5 stars. I really appreciate this book and am recommending it to every parent of boys that I know.
My only criticism, which is not big enough to downgrade the book's star rating or to take away from my loving it is that she is light on empathy or sympathy for parents. She seems to have a heart for the boys more than for the parents. I know we are the adults but please give us some kudos for doing the right thing most of the time! Her discussion of gray areas is light (moral dilemmas) as is her advice on drug and alcohol use.Read more ›
Most Recent Customer Reviews
A realistic perspective on raising boys with sound and concrete advice for the difficult times. I love the inclusive approach the author takes and that she isnt afraid to level... Read morePublished 2 months ago by Eliza Redlus
Written by the author of Queen Bees & Wannabes, the book on which the movie Mean Girls was based, Masterminds & Wingmen is the boy counterpart striving toward a better... Read morePublished 2 months ago by Laurie Prim
This book was terrific. I recommend getting the companion book for your teenager.Published 3 months ago by M. Whalen
Rosalind Wiseman’s MASTERMINDS & WINGMEN is very insightful. This book is chock-full of goodness for parents of boys. Read morePublished 4 months ago by carilynp
a must read for parents of middle school and high school boys! Read it together with your son but read it yourself ahead of him so you can decide if there are parts he's not ready... Read morePublished 4 months ago by Patty
I think everyone raising a son needs to read this book. The best part for me was what Ms. Wiseman named "minefields. Read morePublished 5 months ago by Terri M