Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic [Hardcover]

Esther Perel (Author)

Book Description

Release date: September 5, 2006

'If sex - or rather, the lack of sex - in marriages and long-term relationships isn't a hot topic, it's because "no one" dares talk about it. Or admit to it. Until now ...' - "Observer". Can we continue to desire what we already have? Does good intimacy always make for good sex? Are domesticity and passion compatible? In "Mating in Captivity", psychotherapist Esther Perel tackles the paradox of modern love. Our cultural penchant for equality, togetherness and absolute candour is at odds with erotic desire, which makes long-term love an increasingly contradictory and messy business. Perel looks at why it's hard to want what you already have, even in the most committed relationship. And teaches how you can reconcile domestic bliss with erotic excitement, and rekindle lost passion. Wise, witty, and as revelatory as it is straightforward, "Mating in Captivity" is a sensational book that could change the way you love and live.

--This text refers to the Paperback edition.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Developed originally from an article she wrote on "erotic intelligence," psychotherapist Perel's first book sets forth a thesis for today's couples that is as revelatory as it is straightforward. Languishing desire in a relationship actually results from all the factors people look for in love and marriage: grounding, meaning, continuity. Partnerships are supposed to provide "a bulwark against the vicissitudes of modern life," Perel notes, and in one person we turn for all the emotional connections that the greater society (church, community, family) can no longer provide. Habit and certainty kill desire, yet how to live comfortably with the elements of unpredictability and risk that are necessary for healthy eroticism? Perel supports her nicely accessible work with case studies of couples both heterosexual and gay, spanning all ages, with kids and without, in an attempt to cure what ails their sex life. Some of the proposals Perel recommends for rekindling eroticism involve cultivating separateness (e.g., autonomy) in a relationship rather than closeness (entrapment); exploring dynamics of power and control (i.e., submission, spanking); and learning to surrender to a "sexual ruthlessness" that liberates us from shame and guilt. In short, Perel sanctions fantasy and play and offers the estranged modern couple a unique richness of experience. (Sept.)
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Review

“Her advice is refreshingly counterintuitive.” (Salon.com )

“Mating in Captivity...articulates a poignant and unacknowledged modern crisis for the first time.” (The Evening Standard (London) )

“An elegant sociological study, complete with erudite literary and anthropological references.” (Daily Telegraph (London) )

“A charming blend of wit and wisdom...this book will give you a fresh perspective on long-term love.” (Gold Coast Bulletin (Australia) )

“Well argued points written with considerable eloquence.” (Jerusalem Post )

“This is a brave book...refreshing.” (The Times Higher Education Supplement )

“So honest it hurts.” (Irish Times )

“An excellent book, full of provocative prose and entertaining case illustrations.” (Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy )

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 272 pages
• Publisher: Harper; 1 edition (September 5, 2006)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0060753633
• ISBN-13: 978-0060753634
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (101 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #387,833 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Esther Perel is recognized as one of the world's most original and insightful voices on couples and sexuality across cultures. She is a celebrated speaker sought around the globe for her expertise in emotional and erotic intelligence, work-life balance, cross-cultural relations, conflict resolution and identity of modern marriage and family. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT certified sex therapist, a member of the American Family Therapy Academy and of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

281 of 305 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing: a couples therapist finds the sex in sex September 21, 2006

By Jesse Kornbluth TOP 500 REVIEWER

Format:Hardcover

Everyone knows that familiarity breeds contempt. Especially if familiarity comes with a wedding ring attached. A book about sex in marriage --- now there's a thin book!

But here comes Esther Perel to suggest that we --- men and women alike --- have it wrong. Good sex doesn't have to end when the hormones cool. Lust doesn't have to devolve into companionship. You can be a mom and a sex kitten. And as for "intimacy"....in the bedroom, a little goes a long way.

Who is this wild woman? A therapist in New York who's been working with couples and families for two decades. Belgian-born, to Holocaust survivors. Married (to her original husband). Two kids. Speaks eight languages --- including common sense.

Not for Perel a how-to book of ridiculous exercises you can practice to rekindle the passion you once knew. If she had her way, you'd never consult a manual again. You might, however, write a dirty letter about all the hot things you'd like to do to your partner --- or that you'd like done to you. Or maybe you should start two e-mail accounts just for the sexual dialogue between you and your mate.

But she's the mother of your child!

But he's the guy who only gets his kicks from online porn!

Perel has heard all that. Many times. She's not fooled --- underneath those smart New York rationalizations are hearts that still want to believe in hot sex with someone you know. The problem, she says, lie in the unspoken assumptions of most marriages.

Like: To love is to merge. Wrong. Merging is what happens when you see the Other as your security. That's death to sex. Good sex requires a spark. A spark requires a gap. Cross the gap, feel the sizzle. No gap? The best you can hope for is a cuddle....

"There is no such thing as 'safe sex,'" she writes. Sex requires mystery, excitement, uncertainty. Which means not knowing everything about your partner. You find that threatening? You'd find it less so if you stopped equating intimacy with sex.

Here's a radical thought: don't do everything together. Cultivate your own set of friends. Create differences, not affinities. "Ruthlessness is a way to achieve closeness" --- ponder that for a while. Monogamy? Great if you can honor it. But it is, statistics show, "a ship sinking faster than anyone can bail it out."

Infidelity is a symptom of deeper problems in the relationship? Many believe that. Perel doesn't. She finds life...complicated. She hates the verb "have" when used in relationships --- for her, no one "has" anyone. Relationships are negotiations, not assumptions. You can get crazy with someone you've lived with and known well --- if your "rules" allow that.

Eroticism, she says, is "sexuality transformed by the imagination." So, start dreaming. There's a big payoff: "Nurturing eroticism in the house is an act of open defiance."

I live in a city of therapists and in a neighborhood where they are at their most dense. I have done couples therapy; socially, I know several sex-and-couples therapists. All women. All buttoned-up --- their sexuality is not just unseen or tamped down, it's under lock-and-key. So it's a great relief to read Esther Perel. No question about it --- she's hot. Read more ›

222 of 241 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars Interesting, but disagreed with one part October 9, 2008

By Elisabeth

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

Because the author's ideas are provocative, this won't be an easy read. It wasn't for me, but an interesting read nonetheless. The author challenged all my beliefs about love and how relationships really work and I liked being challenged. She made me think in ways I had never before.

For example, her discussion on how desire needs distance -- but intimacy needs closeness -- and how these two conflict with each other in long-term relationships is dead on! But the author believes -- and I agree -- that it's possible to achieve both even if it seems impossible. She explains how this is possible without cornering you into believing only one method is the right way. There is no right way. Instead she shows how couples have managed to achieve this in their own way and discusses the pros and cons of each.

I also appreciated her discussion on how sexual fantasies differ from everyday fantasies. If you fantasize about the perfect job or the perfect mate, it's because you want these things to happen in reality. However, if you have a sexual fantasy about being raped, it doesn't mean that you want this to happen in reality. There's an element to your fantasy that is your true desire and in your sexual fantasies, you are in complete control about how this plays out.

So if I liked this book so much, why only 3 stars instead of 5? It's because there's a part where the author agrees with a client that it's respectful to withhold telling the truth about an affair. I've heard this argument before and I strongly disagree. I think it's disrespectful to decide for someone else (who's not your child) what they can and cannot handle. Withholding the truth is not about respect, it's about fear. If you told the truth, that person could leave you or retaliate in another way.... Withholding the truth from them strips them of their choices in order to gain an unfair advantage over them. Lying to someone in order to keep them bound to you is not only selfish and controlling, it's also manipulative. It's just manipulation reframed in a positive way. And a surprising argument coming from an author who earlier argued against possessiveness. So, while I did enjoy the rest of this book, this part left me cold.

Otherwise, I think this is a very interesting and provocative book. Read more ›

71 of 77 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Astonishing October 10, 2006

By Erin E. Anderson

Format:Hardcover

I hate self-help books. I'm a Master's candidate in psychology and my relationship was deteriorating fast. I'd been living in a passionateless environment with lots of affection and familiarity. It was causing amazing problems. This book was the most intelligent thing I'd ever read, and it was concise, clear, amusing, and devoid of rediculous jargon and quizzes and self-help steps. It has situations in it that are real and applicable.

If you are having problems, buy this book. It can only help.

87 of 97 people found the following review helpful

1.0 out of 5 stars How to screw up your sex life August 2, 2010

By Karen Ziminski

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

NY psychologist writes book on sex to gain attention for herself and her practice. No quantitative scientific research. Consists of some quotes from some books she's read, plus some anecdotes drawn from people she's talked to, plus a lot of speculation. Her favorite word seems to be "perhaps," as in "perhaps we are convinced that lustfulness conflicts with maternal duty."

There is nothing in this book that would really help a married couple whose sex life has faded. She suggests role play, like pretending the wife is a prostitute. Yawn. She also suggests pornography. In his book "In the Shadows of the Net," Patrick Carnes, with 25 years of experience in the field, warns that many people get so hooked on porn that they lose interest in their mates. Fantasy and porn not exciting enough? Perel suggests the discrete affair, open marriage, swingers clubs. No mention of the risk of herpes, hepatitis, AIDS, etc. And for every anecdote that she has on extra-marital sex helping a marriage, I dare say I have heard ten about its having the opposite effect. Not that I have any actual numbers, but then I'm not writing a book. Dr. Perel doesn't back up her pronouncements with any hard data.

On 9-24-10 at the annual conference of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, plenary speaker John Gottman, mentioning Esther Perel by name, said that her idea that emotional distance makes for better marital sex is contradictory to his findings. Now at the University of Washington, he has been doing research with married couples since 1980.

On 5-20-11 at the annual conference of the Massachusetts Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, I asked Terry Real whether too much intimacy could be boring, whether it was important to keep mystery in a marriage.... He recognized that as Perel's idea and said that while he likes her as a person, he totally disagrees with that idea. He says intimacy is the great turn on, the pearl of great price.

Lori Brotto, a psychologist in Canada, is doing serious research on lack of desire, and is getting good results with treatments based on mindfulness, one thing in the moment. She has published articles, but no book yet. Read more ›