19 of 24 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Helpful advice on handling difficult women, August 24, 2005
This review is from: Mean Girls All Grown Up: Surviving Catty and Conniving Women (Paperback)
The woman at the office who stole your great idea. The gal who spread the gossip about you at church. What do we do about the difficult women in our lives? In MEAN GIRLS ALL GROWN UP, Hayley DiMarco offers some good and some arguable ideas for navigating through the relationships of women. She bases her advice on her own experiences, scripture, and spiritual heavyweights such as Richard Foster in a format that is younger-woman friendly.
Not a teenager or even a twenty- or thirty-something, but having had some recent conflicts with mean girls, I am intrigued by DiMarco's approach to the problem. However, I found there was much I disagreed with, and I would hesitate to give it to my daughter without one-on-one discussion and caveats about her advice. Read on.
The main goal, DiMarco believes, is to get the mean girl to leave us alone. To do this, she first helps us understand the mean girl's motivations. Does she perceive us as a rival? Does she believe we are somehow better than her? Does she gossip about us? If so, why?
Our response, she believes, is to keep our mouth shut and try not to justify ourselves to those mean girls we don't have a relationship with (pulling from the wisdom of Richard Foster's CELEBRATION OF DISCIPLINE). Feeling a need to adjust our image, she believes, is proof that we are serving humans rather than God. Rather confusingly, she admits there might be a time to make the truth known (if a lie is being spread about us at the office that we are stealing, for example) but not to the perpetrator. Instead, tell the supervisor. "The spiritual truth is that God never calls us to stand up for ourselves to the Mean Girl. Psychologists teach us that standing up for ourselves is healthy, but in my study of God's Word, I can't find any biblical support for this notion," she writes. This is a very discussable point that many readers may take issue with.
If we consider the mean girl our friend, the advice seems more realistic. Talk to her about the problem (her complaining, the gossip she spreads, her need for control). There may also be a time to bail out of the relationship, if the mean girl is unwilling to change.
Confusingly, although DiMarco eschews self-examination that isn't upwardly focused ("So much freedom comes in removing our eyes from self and placing them securely on the Father that any attempt at self-justification or analysis would be wasteful if not faithless."), she prods women toward it through quizzes, questions ("What would you have done in that situation? "You have to be honest and really assess how you live, what you do, and how you do it.") What I came away with was the idea that as long as my self-examination is God-centered, I'm on the right track. Fair enough. It seems as if she advocates "dying to self," which is admirable, and avoiding too much navel-gazing, also admirable.
However, it's not terribly clear how to balance the two, and the flow of information isn't always conducive to figuring it out. I ended the book feeling confused. There's a tendency, especially in the first half of the book, toward a "woman as doormat" tone that, in my understanding of scripture and myself as made in the image of God, doesn't work. Humbleness is good. Being a doormat is not. How do I know the difference? The second half seems stronger, as DiMarco urges girlfriends to talk things over and confront problems in love.
Despite some arguable points, there is some advice worth taking, including the reminder that changing mean women isn't our job; loving them and forgiving them is. Much of the power of a mean woman --- or a mean man, for that matter --- can be defused with those two simple actions. Also applaudable: Mean-free women are happy when their friends do well, they leave others feeling good about themselves, and they aren't afraid to confront their friends in love, they learn to let go of past hurts. Good advice.
The page layouts are twenty-something friendly, if sometimes a bit all over the place for this 44-year-old reviewer. Lots of pull-out quotes, short quizzes, and boxed tips ("Surviving the Mean Compliment Giver") will make this appealing to women whose acquaintance with reading revolves mainly around their laptop or the latest girl-friendly magazine.
There is solid value in DiMarco's call not to focus on our image, but to focus on God and how he helps us grow through difficult people. Yet, women might be better served to use this book in small groups with an eye to discussion and discernment rather than embracing the advice --- which is of mixed value --- as gospel truth.
[...]
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12 of 15 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Some Interesting Material but..., January 2, 2007
This review is from: Mean Girls All Grown Up: Surviving Catty and Conniving Women (Paperback)
This book really does apply mostly to Christians as its proofs are Christian specific. Should one be of another religion then they will be fairly discombobulated by the author's reliance on scripture as a means for justifying her positions. I don't know Mrs. Dimarco personally, but I am rather certain that she is a member of one of Christianity's more evangelizing wings as there is much here that would even confuse Catholics. In fairness, the title of the book should probably have been Mean Girls All Grown Up: A Guide for Christians as there is not hint of its biblical emphasis on the cover.
While I can see why several readers were disappointed, I do think the author has some excellent analysis here. I also think that "forgiving your enemies" is the best thing for one's own mental health. I don't say this out of a desire to religiously parrot, however. I truly think that when one holds grudges they drink a glass of poison every day while expecting the other person to die. Furthermore, I admit to my own hypocrisy here as I have been unable to forgive properly on a handful of occasions. Yet, the way she advocates is undoubtedly best for the person cursed with the ire of mean women.
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18 of 24 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Selfless approach to facing mean., September 18, 2005
This review is from: Mean Girls All Grown Up: Surviving Catty and Conniving Women (Paperback)
In Mean Girls All Grown Up, Hayley DiMarco gives counterculture advice to women facing mean and helps diagnose the ways we can be seen as mean by others.
Writing from a Christian perspective, DiMarco writes of how the culture of self-esteem and our `rights' has created a cycle of mean; `she was mean to mean first, so I was justified in getting her back.'
Reminding us that "we can't change others, we can only change ourselves," DiMarco focuses the reader inward which in this reviewer's case helped point out that my drive to achieve was painting a bulls-eye on my back for women less driven. Taking time to engage these women instead of ignoring them as "non job essential" was her recommendation.
For any reader uncomfortable with Christianity, I'd point you elsewhere. But if the non-religious reader acknowledges that the Bible is a book of wisdom and common sense lacking in today's selfish culture, you'll appreciate much of this book's content.
This book is formatted for the `instant messaging' generation, with lots of quotes, quizzes, and features like "Top Ten Signs Your Friend Is a Mean Girl." If you prefer black serif fonts on white paper, you might be a tad overwhelmed by this book. My personal opinion is that the design was quite engaging.
The article approach makes the book easily digestible and allows the reader to jump around reading chapters that apply to their current situation of mean. Also, because of the chapters having a magazine article feel rather than the traditional Chapter 1, Chapter 2 layout, linear thinkers might find the book contradictory or disjointed.
I suspect that this may have been the case with a previous reviewer. DiMarco gives examples of people in the Bible that were basically doormats when it came to their personal interests and "being offended," the most notable being Paul and Jesus. The second half of the book does contain advice on how to communicate with others in situations of mean but no longer with a self-centered focus or feeling "offended."
If you're wanting a book that gives you permission to think highly of yourself and put your interests and feelings above others, there are plenty other books out there on the subject. If you buy into the concept that life is not all about you, that you are "the greatest of sinners" and want to live a more selfless life focused on higher things, this is a worthy read.
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