Customer Reviews

Mean Girls All Grown Up: Surviving Catty and Conniving Women

5 star:		(3)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(5)

 

 

The woman at the office who stole your great idea. The gal who spread the gossip about you at church. What do we do about the difficult women in our lives? In MEAN GIRLS ALL GROWN UP, Hayley DiMarco offers some good and some arguable ideas for navigating through the relationships of women. She bases her advice on her own experiences, scripture, and spiritual heavyweights such as Richard Foster in a format that is younger-woman friendly.

Not a teenager or even a twenty- or thirty-something, but having had some recent conflicts with mean girls, I am intrigued by DiMarco's approach to the problem. However, I found there was much I disagreed with, and I would hesitate to give it to my daughter without one-on-one discussion and caveats about her advice. Read on.

The main goal, DiMarco believes, is to get the mean girl to leave us alone. To do this, she first helps us understand the mean girl's motivations. Does she perceive us as a rival? Does she believe we are somehow better than her? Does she gossip about us? If so, why?

Our response, she believes, is to keep our mouth shut and try not to justify ourselves to those mean girls we don't have a relationship with (pulling from the wisdom of Richard Foster's CELEBRATION OF DISCIPLINE). Feeling a need to adjust our image, she believes, is proof that we are serving humans rather than God. Rather confusingly, she admits there might be a time to make the truth known (if a lie is being spread about us at the office that we are stealing, for example) but not to the perpetrator. Instead, tell the supervisor. "The spiritual truth is that God never calls us to stand up for ourselves to the Mean Girl. Psychologists teach us that standing up for ourselves is healthy, but in my study of God's Word, I can't find any biblical support for this notion," she writes. This is a very discussable point that many readers may take issue with.

If we consider the mean girl our friend, the advice seems more realistic. Talk to her about the problem (her complaining, the gossip she spreads, her need for control). There may also be a time to bail out of the relationship, if the mean girl is unwilling to change.

Confusingly, although DiMarco eschews self-examination that isn't upwardly focused ("So much freedom comes in removing our eyes from self and placing them securely on the Father that any attempt at self-justification or analysis would be wasteful if not faithless."), she prods women toward it through quizzes, questions ("What would you have done in that situation? "You have to be honest and really assess how you live, what you do, and how you do it.") What I came away with was the idea that as long as my self-examination is God-centered, I'm on the right track. Fair enough. It seems as if she advocates "dying to self," which is admirable, and avoiding too much navel-gazing, also admirable.

However, it's not terribly clear how to balance the two, and the flow of information isn't always conducive to figuring it out. I ended the book feeling confused. There's a tendency, especially in the first half of the book, toward a "woman as doormat" tone that, in my understanding of scripture and myself as made in the image of God, doesn't work. Humbleness is good. Being a doormat is not. How do I know the difference? The second half seems stronger, as DiMarco urges girlfriends to talk things over and confront problems in love.

Despite some arguable points, there is some advice worth taking, including the reminder that changing mean women isn't our job; loving them and forgiving them is. Much of the power of a mean woman --- or a mean man, for that matter --- can be defused with those two simple actions. Also applaudable: Mean-free women are happy when their friends do well, they leave others feeling good about themselves, and they aren't afraid to confront their friends in love, they learn to let go of past hurts. Good advice.

The page layouts are twenty-something friendly, if sometimes a bit all over the place for this 44-year-old reviewer. Lots of pull-out quotes, short quizzes, and boxed tips ("Surviving the Mean Compliment Giver") will make this appealing to women whose acquaintance with reading revolves mainly around their laptop or the latest girl-friendly magazine.

There is solid value in DiMarco's call not to focus on our image, but to focus on God and how he helps us grow through difficult people. Yet, women might be better served to use this book in small groups with an eye to discussion and discernment rather than embracing the advice --- which is of mixed value --- as gospel truth.

[...]

This book really does apply mostly to Christians as its proofs are Christian specific. Should one be of another religion then they will be fairly discombobulated by the author's reliance on scripture as a means for justifying her positions. I don't know Mrs. Dimarco personally, but I am rather certain that she is a member of one of Christianity's more evangelizing wings as there is much here that would even confuse Catholics. In fairness, the title of the book should probably have been Mean Girls All Grown Up: A Guide for Christians as there is not hint of its biblical emphasis on the cover.

While I can see why several readers were disappointed, I do think the author has some excellent analysis here. I also think that "forgiving your enemies" is the best thing for one's own mental health. I don't say this out of a desire to religiously parrot, however. I truly think that when one holds grudges they drink a glass of poison every day while expecting the other person to die. Furthermore, I admit to my own hypocrisy here as I have been unable to forgive properly on a handful of occasions. Yet, the way she advocates is undoubtedly best for the person cursed with the ire of mean women.

In Mean Girls All Grown Up, Hayley DiMarco gives counterculture advice to women facing mean and helps diagnose the ways we can be seen as mean by others.

Writing from a Christian perspective, DiMarco writes of how the culture of self-esteem and our `rights' has created a cycle of mean; `she was mean to mean first, so I was justified in getting her back.'

Reminding us that "we can't change others, we can only change ourselves," DiMarco focuses the reader inward which in this reviewer's case helped point out that my drive to achieve was painting a bulls-eye on my back for women less driven. Taking time to engage these women instead of ignoring them as "non job essential" was her recommendation.

For any reader uncomfortable with Christianity, I'd point you elsewhere. But if the non-religious reader acknowledges that the Bible is a book of wisdom and common sense lacking in today's selfish culture, you'll appreciate much of this book's content.

This book is formatted for the `instant messaging' generation, with lots of quotes, quizzes, and features like "Top Ten Signs Your Friend Is a Mean Girl." If you prefer black serif fonts on white paper, you might be a tad overwhelmed by this book. My personal opinion is that the design was quite engaging.

The article approach makes the book easily digestible and allows the reader to jump around reading chapters that apply to their current situation of mean. Also, because of the chapters having a magazine article feel rather than the traditional Chapter 1, Chapter 2 layout, linear thinkers might find the book contradictory or disjointed.

I suspect that this may have been the case with a previous reviewer. DiMarco gives examples of people in the Bible that were basically doormats when it came to their personal interests and "being offended," the most notable being Paul and Jesus. The second half of the book does contain advice on how to communicate with others in situations of mean but no longer with a self-centered focus or feeling "offended."

If you're wanting a book that gives you permission to think highly of yourself and put your interests and feelings above others, there are plenty other books out there on the subject. If you buy into the concept that life is not all about you, that you are "the greatest of sinners" and want to live a more selfless life focused on higher things, this is a worthy read.

I'm sorry, but this book is worse than useless. It basically tells the reader not to protect herself or to stand up for herself. It tells readers to turn the other cheek, try to placate, ignore and try to be nice as an example. Most women who buy this book are probably in the victim position and are looking for useful tools to help them become stronger so that they will no longer be prime targets for bullies. Women who are being victimized got that way from being the good girls, the nice girls, not causing any waves, not rocking the boat and living in a lot of fear. The last thing they need is more advice on how to lie down in front of a bully and pray and quote scripture in hopes that the bully will have an epiphany and go away. They are looking for awareness to protect themselves from being bullied and for tools to increase their self-esteem. I read Mean Girls Grown Up : Adult Women Who Are Still Queen Bees, Middle Bees, and Afraid-to-Bees -- by Cheryl Dellasega, which was a wonderful book and has helped me immensely. The whole premise of Ms. Dellasega's book is strength, self-esteem and awareness. I then began Ms. Dimarco's book and couldn't believe what I was reading. I could not finish the book. I would not recommend this book to anyone searching for an end to the bullying.

I had no idea this was yet, one more book based on scripture.
Why don't these people sell their books in the Christian Bookstore where they belong?
For those of us who are agnostic, or even atheists, or who are not Christian, reading remedies based on what "god would want us to do" is not credible and makes no sense to us. It just seems like one more way of not taking responsibility for our actions, as if god was going to just take care of it all while we "trust" in god to handle things, quietly retreat to church on Sunday to pray. That is nonsense. The Mean person or bully needs to be confronted and made accountable and stopped by US, not god. He/She is NOT going away no matter how much we pray or leave it up to god. What are these people thinking - this is the 21st Century folks.

I bought this book for a coworker who's being tormented by mean girls "grown up" on the job. Before giving her the book, I decided to read it myself to see if I'd made a good choice.

This is a perfect choice for the misogynist -
"Men are much easier to be with. They aren't so emotional. They're fun to be with."

The advice in Mean Girls is mostly Bible based with a deluge of Biblical quotes offered to the reader for solace and self examination. For one who looks to the Bible for the answers to life's travails, this is your book. Someone looking for practical advice or some kind of self validation, look elsewhere. For Mean Girls is a book driven by Biblical quotes and saccharine bromides.

In a nutshell the advice is to put your faith in God and examine your own actions and possible guilt for the actions and words of the mean girls. Standing up to a mean girl has two goals" " Remediation and Accountability."

Girls, " Put on the armor of God every day." And remember, no cliques, no gossip, pray, and do Bible study.

"Your goal in life should NOT be to change evil people nor to stop their attacks, but to follow the King."

Though the book does encourage the reader to do some honest self evaluation and examination of conscience, a good thing), it is essentially a 217 page sermon. If that's what you're looking for, buy this book.

I have owned this book for 3+ years and refer to it when looking for a positive, Christian approach to a situation. I believe those who feel mislead by the title were in fact looking for something much more sinister, perhaps that correlates to the issues in their lives... DiMarco is wise beyond her years and her book is a great resource for those ready to follow a Christian lifestyle.

If I had wanted a book that was full of Bible versus I would have bought one! I feel that the title mirepresented the whole thought behind the book. It was a waste of money and, if I could, I would return it! I didn't get beyond the first chapter, but the thought that I would "find having a friendship with women diffucult after being friends with guys" was insulting to say the least. I have plently of close female friends but was looking for a good read about "Queen Bees", etc. I will never again buy a book by this author.

Apparently I was looking for the book with a very similar title by Dellasega. Somehow, I missed the fact that this book is saturated with Christianity, complete with scripture references to back up its points. I'm frustrated that this isn't spelled out for a prospective buyer... no mention of Christianity in the title, subtitle, or editorial reviews. Not my style... to the point where I can't stomach even the first chapter. Wish I would have known before wasting my time and money. And I imagine that women who are Christian might be more interested in the book if it were accurately described.

I attended the National Women's Convention with Kay Arthur and Beth Moore as the speakers I most looked forward to hearing. Imagine my surprise when the youngest of the speakers, Hayley DiMarco knocked my socks off with her talk on mean girls.

I must confess, I just got around to reading this terrific book that I picked up at the conference (along with ten others.) My husband is a seminary professor and he would back Ms. DiMarco up on her take on Luke 17:3 that was poorly represented by another reviewer (who also promoted their website in their review.)

The previous reviewer focused on the scripture, "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."(NIV)

The reviewer make s a couple of weighty omissions both in her interpretation of this verse and Ms. DiMarco's view. This verse pertains to church correction. "Brother" does not mean your fellow man, it means your fellow believer. Also, DiMarco's point that man doesn't sin against you, man can only truly sin against God is taking the focus off of the ego.

Jesus consistently forgave non-believers without repentance and at times without a rebuke. On the cross, Jesus said, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." Where was the rebuke? Where was the repentance before the forgiveness? Jesus consistently forgave people as a witness to God's love.

In fact, in visiting the other reviewer's website they championed, it's apparent that the deeper nerve Ms. DiMarco struck was her stand against the unbiblical principle of self-esteem. In Mean Girls All Grown Up, Ms. DiMarco says the reader should get over the SECULAR psychological invention of self-esteem and embrace Jesus' and Paul's example of "the last shall be first" and recognizing "I am the greatest of all sinners" and as sinful humans, we truly don't deserve anything but death in spite of God's grace and sacrifice.

In short, DiMarco champions ditching the Freud, Jung & Skinner invention of self-esteem (their attempt at filling the 'God-shaped hole' in the human heart with self-love perhaps?) and embracing the concept of God-esteem. It's "we love because Christ first loved us" not "I know God loves me but I have to love myself before I can love others." Secular psychobabble!

As for the author's 'qualifications', according to her website, she ran a division of the largest Christian publishing house, speaks in front of thousands at Women of Faith events, and when Kay Arthur has a thirtysomething young woman write a foreward for one of Kay's OWN books, that's quite an endorsement from someone with such a grasp of scripture.

A good book that shakes the assumptions you've formed your entire ministry around will illicit a review like Sister Renee's. It will also power the passion of it's supporters to refute taking the author's position out of context and encourage others to give it a read.

In short, this is not a book on how to get over physical or sexual abuse, it's for the everyday mean you encounter at school, work and church. And it's worth a read.