Customer Reviews

Mean Girls Grown Up: Adult Women Who Are Still Queen Bees, Middle Bees, and Afraid-to-Bees

5 star:		(14)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

My wife, my daughter and I all read this book. My wife and daughter each identified with the stories contained in the book about how adolescent female bullying survives into adulthood. I was fascinated to hear each of them relate how they had been bullied - things I had never known - and how each admitted that they, too, at times had been the bullier. It sparked a wonderful family discussion that still continues at meals. These discussions are not common in our house and I appreciate the author who could trigger the debates we now have about our conduct in everyday life. Although I picked this book up with reluctance, thinking it was a "chick" book, I am happy to give it five stars.

In her book, MEAN GIRLS GROW UP, Dr. Cheryl Dellasega, provides a comprehensive view of the uniquely female issue of Relational Aggression. She demonstrates how the bullying, gossiping, hurt, spite and often-vicious social hierarchy that exists in young girls (it reaches its peak in junior high) continues throughout adulthood. While RA or Relational Aggression becomes far more subtle in adults it continues to exist in the workplace, the club or organization, the neighborhood, the gym and countless other spaces where we spend our lives. In reading it I began to look at the social interactions around me with new eyes. While there are no longer mean girls (Queen Bees in the language of the book) surrounded by a gang of manipulative followers (Middle Bees in Dellasega's terminology) ruthlessly teasing the victim-outcasts (called Afraid-To-Bees), the paradigm remains. Bosses and leaders can bully while co-workers so-called friends can spread poisonous gossip or stand idly by while another woman is picked upon or mocked. However now these roles are cloaked in the so-called respectability of leadership and job descriptions.

But Dellasega does far more than merely bring these behaviors to light. Rather that simply showing her readers the paradigm, she attempts to show us how to change it. While the opening sections of the books are dedicated to exhaustive stories of RA (and sometimes some rather awful poetry as well), the latter portions deal with how to recognize, reshape and restructure our own roles in the paradigm. She reminds the reader that each of these rolls (Queen Bee, Middle Bee and Afraid-To-Bee) is the negative reaction to fear and insecurity and that through recognition, understanding and reshaping of our own behaviors we can begin to heal. In some senses, Dr. Dellasega gives us very little new information as to how to go about doing this. Concepts like raising awareness, positive visualization, mentoring, coaching, redirecting aggression, creating positive dialogues, seeking counseling, or simply knowing when to walk away are not particularly unique, but they are effective and Dellasega excels at creating examples and suggesting specific instances in which to use each technique. She delves nicely into personal situations and the book is peppered with stories gathered from her research. Her tone is more compassionate than scholarly and this book has broad (and personal appeal) to all women and all members of the spectrum of bees.

This book is full of compelling anecdotes but the author divided women into 3 simplistic stereotypes that reduce its usefulness. My vote goes to a similar book that is more indepth, "In the Company of Women". This book is a great step forward in identifying the problem, but less on creating solutions.

For example one story in Mean Girls tells a story of a woman trying everything she can to make a bad situation good. She clung to her abusive job only to get fired; it was declared a victory and positive example by the author because this woman's behavior showed her son 'not to give up'. Talking yourself out of finding a better situation and staying in a work environment where you're getting poor reviews and your self-esteem is getting battered despite good work -- that's a lesson in martyrdom, not strength. It actually exemplifies what people with good intentions do to make themselves and their families miserable. Why hurt your career, let alone mental and physical health when life has so much to offer?

Oddly I've read two books on female aggression talk about the same bullying, obsessive personalities that don't even mention personality disorders. Google "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and "Borderline Personality Disorder" to get better perspective and stronger advice. Statistically women tend to be more likely diagnosed with these disorders, yet the two books I've read on the topic of female aggression dance around these characteristics without addressing NP & BPD directly.

Dealing with someone who has a disorder is a whole other ballgame than a initiating a healthy conversation about improving a working relationship. Confronting bullying behavior in almost any way with a personality disordered co-worker is almost guaranteed to make the problem worse.

There is a lot of info out there on how to handle people with these disorders that the books don't provide.

I wish this book had come out years ago.

It deals with the important topic of female relational aggression: how to recognize it, cope with it, change it. Ample resources are provided, good advice and helpful appendices.

Most importantly, it has a great blend of "expert" analysis alongside anecdotal material concerning women's experience of this often devastating behavioral pattern. It's written in clear, accessible language, without "dumbing down" anything.

I hope it gets widely read and discussed, but most of all, put into action.

I highly recommend that every adult woman read this book. I could hardly put it down because it touched on so many areas that affect all women.

It is so refreshing to read a book that confirms and gives a name to what you see happening every day. We just thought junior high behavior ended after high school! This book identifies and offers advice on how to work with different personality types, whether you are a stay-at-home mom with volunteer jobs or are working outside the home.

I recognized many women (and, of course, me) in Dr. Dellasega's book. It was thought provoking, insightful, and it made me evaluate the work and friend relationships I have with other women.

I plan to give this book as a gift to all my women friends.

Mean Girls Grown Up is a thorough perspective of the toxic effect of female interactions that dominate our culture today. Dr. Dellasega makes a very reputable explanation of Relational Aggression (RA) and how women use it in personal and professional settings. She categorizes the components of the players in RA into recognizable characters, while including practical real life stories as examples. Mean Girls brought back a flood of memories for me of failed friendships that finally made sense to me. It really helped me to know myself better. The best part is the genuine support given as we learn to change these behaviors that keep us from relating to each other in positive ways. All women should read this book!

I saw Dr. Dellasega quoted in Cosmo talking about "bitchy women" but this book is about more than that. Although parts are "fluff" there is a serious subject underneath which is how women relate to each other, and the fact that some adult women never move beyond teen age bullying. Dr. Dellasega opened my eyes to the Queen Bees, etc. in my life--luckily not all women, but, as she points out, the ones who "get stuck" in "the destructive dynamic of RA" (relational aggression).

I read this book in one day and honestly, after the first 2 hours of examples of mean women and their victims, I was bored and looking for the solutions. This book is big on the philosophical nature of adult women bullies and their behaviors and short on what we can do about it. That's what I'm looking for and this book does not deliver.

This was my first introduction to the "Queen Bee, Middle Bee, and Afraid-to-Bee" metaphor for women and relational aggression. I had heard a lot of praise for this author and decided to buy her book. Overall, I realize that the author was trying to give a 360-degree picture on what relational aggression between women looks like. However, I felt like the book was an endless parade of negative stories about backstabbing, passive-aggressive attacks, and sabotage between women. It was very difficult for me to read this book, and I didn't get much out of it. I had hoped the book would be more positive and showcase more examples of action items for women to focus on their own behavior and change themselves.

Instead of this book, I would recommend "In the Company of Women: Indirect Aggression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop" by Susan K. Golant, Pat Heim, and Susan Murphy. I felt like that title had a more positive tone, had concrete suggestions for how to recognize unhealthy behavior and change, and focused more on the professional workplace.

Cheryl Dellasega's Mean Girls Grown Up makes an important contribution to the study of RA (relational aggression). In her clear and engaging book, Dellasega shows how "mean" childhood patterns can and do persist into adulthood--and how damaging they are. The author of three other books, including GirlWars, Dellasega also encourages readers to see that they needn't be victims of bullying (or continue to be bullies). Other positive points about this book are its inclusion of a good number of firsthand anecdotes and its movement beyond the usual territory of female RA studies--not only into adulthood but beyond the upper-middle-class white suburbs.