Customer Reviews

Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt

5 star:		(12)
4 star:		(5)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

I have a mean mother and cut off relations five years ago. Others who have mean mothers, or those who know my mom well, are 100% supportive. As evidenced by at least one of the negative reviews of this book, some view those of us who have cut off relations as immature. IMHO unless you yourself have/had a mean mother, you are in no position to judge. Cutting off my mom was one of the healthiest things I have ever done.

What I loved about this book was that it validated my decision and a better understanding of how my mother has affected my life. The first part of the book, in which examples of mean mothers were described, was excellent - well organized, with a lot of very cogent insights. The second half of the book I felt rambled a bit, being rather more descriptive of various stories, and did not drive to any specific conclusions. Therefore, where the book fell a bit short for me was in delivering on the subtitle: "Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt" which is why I rated the book 4 stars and not 5 stars. I don't feel that this part of the story was told as well as the first part, perhaps because we never really do overcome the legacy of hurt - we just move past it. As such, I don't feel the subtitle was warranted.

Streep tackles a topic that many people have trouble accepting: the notion that some mothers just are not loving, caring people. Some are emotionally distant. Some are just plain mean.

What does a daughter do when she realizes her mother doesn't like her? It seems to be the psychological equivalent of getting a dog you don't want and leaving the dog in the yard. Some women move past the experience while others seem to be stuck.

I suspect the phenomenon is more common than many people realize. When I was in college, several of my friends had mean mothers. It was hard to watch their interaction.

Streep handles this sensitive topic well. She describes her own experience just enough to show that she's been there, without forcing the reader to get caught up in the author's life. She tells stories of women who have been through this experience. Some were able to "divorce" their mothers but others took care of their moms as they aged.

What's missing is more about how women grow past this experience of having lived with a mom who didn't want them. She talks about the experience of becoming a mother, but I wonder how many women with "mean moms" opted not to have children. Since the topic is such a taboo, I wonder if psychotherapists tend to be judgmental as well.

Overall, though, the book is well written. The author deserves credit for handling this topic. I think many readers wll relate to her examples.

Wow. And all of these years I thought I was the only one. I haven't even finished it yet & I cannot put into words how much relief & validation I feel already. Within the first three chapters I felt the validation. She mentioned every single result I have from my experience with my mother "low, LOW self-esteem", "self-doubt" and the fact that I have continuously attracted "her" & that relationship back into my life - which has wreaked so much hurt & pain. When I married my EX-husband at the age of 22 even though I couldn't eat for months leading up to the wedding because of the anxiety & stress & doubts I had, my friends used to think I was kidding when I would say "I cannot believe I married my mother" - but I was being completely honest. But then I would sabotage every good relationship that came along ... because of that self-loathsome she instilled in me.

Another point I felt the most validation is when Ms. Streep listed the points about the denial on the mother's part of saying, doing or acting ways that were so hateful - even when there were WITNESSES. My friends to this day will apologize first, then proceed t tell me "your mother is poison". All of it, I could have written this book! THANK YOU, thank you, thank you for putting this into the written word.

Oh, and the description of the fathers that deny it, or side with the wife even when the obvious is staring at them ... oh, the hurt we little girls feel when we grow into women and realize our dads enabled it to go on ... & they simplify it by saying it's a 'personality conflict'.

I disagree with one of the other positive reviews on here, she wrote that you do not need to read this if you grew up with a loving mother in a loving family - I think everyone should read it, it may explain why that friend they have that is sweet, smart, overly considerate of others to a fault, beautiful, educated - and so much more, has not lived up to her full potential. AND if you have witnesses others with mothers like this, give this book as a gift -it may be the validation they need, so they may finally let go & know in their hearts they are not bad & did not 'do' anything to deserve the lack of love & abuse they recieved form the one person that everyone says 'loves you the most'.

I have always had the support & acknowledgement of my two brothers - but I am sending them each this book so they can see it & feel it & KNOW it is not just me, it is a sickness.

This book is written not by a psychologist who studies mother-daughter relationships, but by a woman who herself was a daughter of an unloving mother. She knows the subject firsthand. It was very helpful to realize that there are plenty of women who experienced a life with an unloving mother.
The author talks about many aspects of dealing with such a mother (she does not have to be abusive in any way to be classified as unloving. Providing food, clothing and a roof over child's head does not instantly make one a good mother). She also discusses the effects growing up with a mother who is incapable of loving her daughter has on a woman. All that is set in the context of other family relationships (father, siblings) and dynamics.

The book does concentrate on mother-daughter relationship simply because the author writes about her own experience as a daughter (and a mother herself) and other women's experiences she can relate to. As a woman myself I can relate to that also. The chapter about the myth of mother's love we have in our culture was very informative.
It is a very insightful book that put some things in perspective and allowed for a deeper understanding of the subject. Not everything applies to everyone, each mother-daughter relationship is unique, but the author's observations and detailed examples were very useful.

It is not an attack on motherhood and she does not say that if a mother disciplines her child she is a bad mother. A loving mother does discipline her children, an unloving mother, on the other hand, constantly criticizes, embarrasses, makes her daughter feel bad about herself, and treats her daughters as an extension of herself.
The book ended on a positive note that a woman can be free from the unhealthy relationship with her own mother and does not have to repeat her mother's mistakes.

I would recommend this book to any woman whose relationship with her mother is and always has been difficult and painful.

This is an excellent account of the severe emotional abuse specifically inflicted on daughter's by their mothers.
I am indebted to Peg Streep for delving so honestly and thoroughly. This much valued book gave my own experience
not only more clarity but comfort, hope and validation during an intensely difficult period.

Only adult women who were actually raised by an nasty, emotionally cruel mother, will appreciate this book, but if you are sadly one of those women, BUY THIS BOOK. You cannot believe the insight - and you will definitely see yourself inside these pages. You can take comfort in the fact that you are truly not alone - and you CAN get past the emotional destruction you've endured. I was going through a separation/divorce when I first bought this book, and I finally saw how much like my disapproving mother my husband is! In fact, he does and says things where I feel like my mother possessed him when she died! I know that sounds weird - but we DO chose partners subconsciously who mirror our past relationship with our mothers! You will not regret reading this book.

I just turned 56 and ordered this book a week after my birthday. My mother uses the occasion of my birthday to annually remind me of just how little she thinks of me, so this was a gift to myself. Like the author, I don't wish to wallow in the "mean mother blues" but it is so very helpful to know that I am not alone.

My mother is a physically healthy 83 and her primary relationship has always been with my younger brother, her "designated understander" who filled a role for her that my father apparently did not. ( I was voted off the island upon his death in 1980.)

In the past I have made deliberate attempts to "divorce" my mother and this book is giving me the courage to consider doing this again and permanently. This book is a HUGE step in removing the taboos about mean mothers.

Only wish that there were other women here in Atlanta that I could trade notes with.

This book acknowledges a very painful truth. I have been puzzling over this for over twenty years. Why did my mother insist on insulting me? I don't mean that she was "mean" in the sense that she made me eat nutritious food, or did not allow me to do what I wanted, but that she insisted on demeaning me in front of other people. This book was helpful in exploring how we believe that "all mothers are nuturing". It also pinpointed a truth. When women critize their mothers, the daughters are the ones on trial. My father actually saw my mother insulting me and still did not understand why I was so distant from her. It also discusses the issue of competitiveness with daughters. My mother was horribly competitive with me and it was revolting.

This book helps me understand myself better. Why I shrink from relationships with other women, why I do not like attention focused on me, why I don't trust employers, why I am lonely.

This is a wonderful book, which not only describes Mother/Daughter relationships but explains how they fit into the family dynamic presently, as well as how they are formed and sadly, cultivated over time. Unless you were raised by perfect parents in a perfect home you will most likely find yourself somewhere in this book. And if you were raised by a 'mean mother' as you will read, you are definitely not alone. Since this is a subject that many deal with but is rarely discussed openly, usually only in therapy, I love the honesty of this book and how it was written - really great and needed information. I highly recommend this book.

This book spoke to me like no other. For the first time, I felt my story had been told and I'd been heard.

You don't have to have had a Mean Mother to appreciate the findings in this book. Peg Streep
presents a balanced look at the issue with stories from women whose experiences share a common
thread, yet are unique to the individual, while backing up her findings with the science that helps
explain this phenomenon. And there's hope.

I am the product of a mean mother. I am now caring for her in her old age. I have also
raised two of my own daughters in a most loving environment. I can now look at my
childhood and know that my success as a parent is, in part, due to the pain that I suffered
and vowed not to repeat.

My hope is that this book will open up dialogues among society, and women in particular, that will
help us understand, accept and heal the wounds so many have suffered. This is one book that
will be kept as a reference for the healing hug and empowerment I never got from my mother.