Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much (Fireside/Parkside Meditation Book) [Paperback]

Jonathon Lazear (Author)

Book Description

Series: Fireside/Parkside Meditation Book | Publication Date: November 1, 1992

Indispensable support for men caught up in the daily cycle of work, achieve, acquire.

Editorial Reviews

Review

Pat Carnes, Ph.D. author of Don't Call It Love [A] wonderful guide for all of us who have too much to do and too little time. -- Review

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much

January 1

By letting go, it all gets done; The world is won by those who let it go!
the Tao te Ching

That is what so much of our compulsion is about; it is not "natural" for men in this age, in this society, to "let go." We hold on to old models of success, and sometimes to disastrous ways of seeing things to fruition. How often have we clung to what we thought was the life raft of sanity, of our work, of our need to complete a task, for the sake of the task, not for what it brings us.

It will be important for me to keep my real goals in perspective today. I will need to be mindful of what makes me and those I love happy, not just what keeps me occupied.

January 2

Damn the great executives, the men of measured merriment, damn the men with careful smiles....
Sinclair Lewis

In our lives, beginning in childhood, we learn to measure everything. Quantify happiness, measure accomplishment, and meter work, preferably billing by the hour. I do not know if it is strictly a male trait to measure work and dole out pleasure, but now I do know that all men I once wanted to emulate were men who had careful smiles, and used them as techniques rather than honest and spontaneous reactions to pleasure.

I want to begin to see myself as a man who doesn't excuse pleasure, but one who seeks it out and manages to bring it to my work.

January 3

Next week there can't be any crisis. My schedule is already full.
Henry Kissinger

Have you ever felt this way? There was a time, and it wasn't very long ago, that I would look at my schedule, a week in advance, and revel in the fact that there were few formal meetings set. As the days went by, I would always add more meetings until the weekend prior to the week ahead left me with dread because I had so overbooked myself -- and all with the very best of intentions. Always taking on too much, I thereby created crisis.

Today I will listen to my heartbeat -- literally. And I will let that cadence set the tone for the pace of my work.

January 4

One's action ought to come out of an achieved stillness; not to be a mere rushing on.
D. H. Lawrence

A flurry of activity usually looks like work; it most often announces that a great deal is being dealt with, a genius at work, a man who knows how to stir things up to get things done. It is so terribly difficult to be quiet. Especially if you're a man who has been taught that work is noisy, physically and emotionally demanding, thankless, and of course, endless.

So much clarity of thought comes from solitude, from being undisturbed, from closing doors gently and quietly. Once I heard the voice of one of my children very clearly, after he had been asleep for a long time. I heard his voice so clearly because I allowed myself to hear it.

I need to be quiet, to listen, to stop. I will accomplish an inner harmony if l do not drown out the notes that come from within.

January 5

I think in every country that there is at least one executive who is scared of going crazy.

Joseph Heller

I feel so worn down from trying so hard. I think so many men like me are exhausted from being frantic. We attempt to work on our overcommitment, our overwork, but even that takes a new kind of toll on us. Even the effort to become "sane" and to give ourselves balance can leave us drained; nearly as drained as the old obsessive work-'til-you-drop routine.

This problem of fear, of perhaps "going crazy," is not limited to my socioeconomic peer group. It is universal; it is worldwide; it is pervasive, persuasive, and about as frightening as anything any man can think of.

Today I will begin to understand how far-reaching my work anxiety is. I may not beat the anxiety today, but I will begin to understand how many of my peers also suffer from it.

January 6

My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can.
Cary Grant

I wonder how often I've known only the moment of being awake, and the minute prior to drifting off at night, to be the only "absolutes" in my day. If I were spontaneous, enjoying chance, and not mindful of my need for "business," I would fill my head with an orderly and forceful view of the tasks that are before me each day.

More often than not, my days are a jumble of activity, often mindless "business' -- predominantly a flurry of things half done, rarely fully accomplished. I'd really rather measure my days by virtue of the richness and variety they offer, not by how quickly they pass.

Today I will pause a number of times, not to look at the clock but to take a short walk or stare out the window and think about how I can be more satisfied.

January 7

The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.
Albert Einstein

How do we learn to keep alive those things that are important to us, those things that need to survive a busy day, a schedule crammed with things to do, endless meetings, useless activities? How often do we learn the difference between what is "important" and what can be dismissed? And what part of us dies when we make the decision to be consumed with activity rather than thought, or with "getting there" just so we could say we were there. Men have been taught that they must always move; frenetic activity is the physical evidence of men who do too much.

I want to be aware today of what I have inside that is important. I will care less for what I "produce" and attach less importance to the evidence of being a good or prosperous man.

January 8

Always do one thing less than you think you can do.
Bernard Baruch

Like most men, my eyes are bigger than my appetite. I often give myself a very large menu of things to do, and every morning I'm eager to get to all of it. Bernard Baruch's thought speaks to measuring out our tasks so that we do not become enslaved by them. He suggests that we do less, because, as we've been told over and over, very often less is more. Accomplishing task after task after task is not in anyone's best interest. Think about being the seventh or twelfth patient on a surgeon's list of "things to do today," and suddenly you get the picture. Unless it's an emergency, I'll wait my turn.

Today I will attempt to finish something I've already started. I will remember that seeing something through to its completion can be more satisfying than taking on something new.

January 9

Wisdom is knowing when you can't be wise.
Paul Engle

Change. Move. Alter. Perfect. Rearrange. Keep moving. So many of us put a lid on our wisdom by rarely, if ever, taking the time to reflect on our strengths. It takes a new method of thought and of inner patience to begin to be straight with ourselves about what we can and cannot do. When is it better for me not to be involved, not to make a decision, not to take a stand? I cannot always come up with an answer. Often I cannot deliver a question. Often I will be better off if I do neither.

Today I will be mindful of my limitations, and take comfort in the fact that I do not know everything, never will, and will not have to take responsibility for knowledge I do not have.

January 10

Bring over one of your old Motown records, put the speakers in the window; we'll go up on the roof and listen to the Miracles echo in the alley down below
Rod Stewart

Remember those old songs, the ones we listened to and that meant so much to us, the songs that set the stage for our first romantic experience, our winning seasons on the football fields and baseball diamonds? Whether it was the Beatles, Glen Miller, Roger Miller, or the Miracles, it's music that is often the catalyst for our memories.

Maybe it's time to dust off the old albums and listen to some of the old songs -- static, dust, cracks, and all -- that take us back to our more carefree thoughts and moments. Our old music can bring us back to being the boys of summer, and that would be a great way to spend just about any afternoon.

If there's a rhythm to our work, there's also rhythm to our memory, and many of our memories give us peace. Today I'll let some old favorites play out in my imagination, and maybe later I'll get out the old 45's.

January 11

Four out of five people are more in need of rest than exercise.
Dr. Logan Clendening

It is important to keep one's body in relatively good shape. And it's been proven that certain kinds of activities actually help alleviate some amount of stress. But it is very dangerous to feel driven to exercise, to run as fast and as far as you can, to be obsessed, and yes, even addicted to it. So many of us need to learn how to rest and when to rest; when to work, and when to engage in physical activity.

If you think that you must always find time in every day to do your push-ups you may just be setting yourself up for another form of overindulgence. And your vanity may be winning over your common sense.

Today I will try to find time to rest; to give my heart and my head time to recoup. I will not feel that my idle arms and legs betray me.

January 12

It's the hardest thing in the world to accept a little success and leave it that way. Marlon Brando

Greed, on its many levels and in its many guises, can be found in just about any of us, and it surfaces in many ways. If we are just out for the last dime we can squeeze out of a day's work, we may be secretly disappointed in the outcome of our efforts: too much work, too little reward. Then, next time out, we're driving ourselves even further, desperate for the result to match the effort.

We need to begin to see our success incrementally. Success usually doesn't come in megadoses. It's the small rewards that we need to recognize and life's little triumphs we must claim.

I will be pleased with what I accomplish today and be mindful of my goals, but not overshadowed by them. I will recognize the way in which greed can undermine ambition.

January 13

Wealth is not his who has it, but his who enjoys it.
Benjamin Franklin

Acquisition. Ownership. Public display of wealth. These are words and concepts that speak to the man who has made it but doesn't really know what to do with it. The king is in the countinghouse, counting out his money. It's a lonely picture.

Great wealth for the sake of great wealth is an indication of a bankrupt man. We have been so caught up in acquisition that we do not know what to do with what we acquire, nor why we have it.

We are gluttons -- men with endless appetites for the window dressing that proves our wholeness.

I will look to the people in my life who give me the wealth of kindness and understanding rather than to the things I've acquired over the time I spent filling my life with possessions.

January 14

Run, if you like, but try to keep your breath; Work like a man, but don't be worked to death.
Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

If some of us are driven to fill our days with work, with accomplishments, with meetings, exchanges of one kind or another, we need to apportion those hours with time for our children, our lovers, our thoughts, our hobbies, our true selves.

It's not that there's anything wrong with being "busy," but there's plenty wrong with being "busy" just for the sake of taking up time. Being "busy" is often a smokescreen, something to hide behind. But what are we hiding from? If we stopped being "busy," what might we have to face?

Today I'll try keep in mind why I'm busy, and I'll do my best not to kick up dust just to look busy. There s too much of great and wonderful interest to fake involvement.

January 15

When did it become necessary to fill the house and office with small appliances? I've lost count of my conveniences -- it's all lust too much. I don't know if I have more telephone lines or television outlets, but I do know that I'm responsible for the brownout in the neighborhood.
Jonathon Lazear

The eighties were unkind to all of us. Many of us got caught up in making ends meet ridiculous conclusions. Always more. Never enough. The definition of the quality of life was being continuously redefined.

Now it's the nineties. And we all know what we knew all along -- that the quality of life is best measured by the time spent reading a bedtime story to our four-year-old and by the expression on his face when he can't stop talking about it. Or by the time spent getting up early for our daughter's nine A.M. gymnastics meet on a wintry Saturday, morning.

They could care less if they're driven to their games in a Mercedes. It's the games they're looking forward to. It's their father they're proud to be with.

Today I will make a list of the things I consider necessities. I will notice how many of my possessions I can easily do without and reflect upon the meaning of "quality of life."

January 16

No grand idea was ever born in a conference, but a lot of foolish ideas have died there.
F. Scott Fitzgerald

Well, yes and no. It usually takes one man or woman to come up with the brilliant idea, and several men and women to dilute it, dissect it, misunderstand it, misjudge it, and come to the wrong conclusion about it.

Collective intellect is a contradiction in terms. Not only have foolish ideas perished but a lot of wonderful, original, creative, even offbeat ideas have died by the committee's unanimous assassination.

We put so much energy into attempting to convey our ideas, acting as cheerleaders to a group of brain-dead fans in the bleachers, that I've often thought that all the best, most important ideas die not by exposure, but because they're privately maintained in our personal wine cellars.

Too much of my attention and energy is going toward winning the approval of the group. I'll begin to store my energies and direct them to the man or woman who can give me the nurturing feedback I need.

January 17

Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is. The most important product of his effort is his own personality.
Erich Fromm

We are often so locked up in what we think we should be, in what we think we should be doing. Erich Fromm talks about "potential," which implies growth and process, not a static, unchanging self-image. We need to be aware of "becoming," welcome and question our self-image, and accept change as inevitable and healthy.

If I miss my mark today, I will not be defeated. I will understand that life is process and that I can continuously give birth to myself.

January 18

Get in, get into the place that's your nature, whether it's running a corporation or picking daisies in the field, get in there and live to it, live to the fullness of it, become what you are, and I'll say to you, you've done more than most men. Most men...most of them don't ever do that. They'll work at a job and not know why. They'll marry a woman and not know why. They'll go to their graves and not know why.
E. L. Doctorow

What Ed Doctorow is saying is so important. He's talking about trusting ourselves, our inner core, and allowing our passion to rise and bloom.

So often we're on "automatic," getting to our job, getting through our day, making it home, to start all over, to make sure we've covered our bases, paid the mortgage, made it to the bank on time.

Doctorow wants us to dream, and allow our dreams to lead us. Like the main character in the film Field of Dreams, get out there, mow down the corn, and put a baseball field in our backyards. Get out there and do whatever it is we're meant to do. Live our own lives, "live to the fullness."

Today I'll begin to trust my dreams, and maybe even hear them for the first time.

January 19

No problem is too big to run away from.
Al Ries and Jack Trout

While Ries and Trout's quote is funny, it still gives rise to some contemplation. For those of us men who are overcommitted, often it seems as if all our problems are of the same magnitude. Fantasizing about running away is a sign of being in over our heads.

Today I'll look at problems that arise with a cold eye, not overreact, not enlarge upon them, and not create mountains out of molehills. I'll start with the smallest problems first and tackle the bigger problems later.

January 20

Do not on any account attempt to write on both sides of the paper at once.
W. C. Seller

If we could, we would.

I've known work addicts whose minds are racing away. They're at their computers, typing madly, complaining that the keyboard cannot keep up with their thoughts. They're driving their secretaries to record their words at Olympian speed, becoming irritated if the pace isn't matched.

I'm not suggesting that these workers are not bright, able people, but they seem to mix up speed with quality of thought.

My pace is not yours, and I should not inflict mine on you. I will be aware of my demands and my boundaries in the future.

January 21

Now that it's all over, what did you really do yesterday that was worth mentioning?
Coleman Cox

What is worth our time? Maybe what is most worth our time is the time we spent yesterday being quietly introspective, going within. Most of us need tangible proof, external evidence, of our productivity and our self-worth. We're so geared to the physical manifestations of our accomplishments, we often lose track of our inner voice, of the place down deep that houses what is really important to us.

Now most of us would come up empty-handed to Coleman Cox's question. And that's sad, because the ten minutes I spent with my elder son yesterday was very much worth mentioning, if only as a memory shown in my private movie theater.

Even at the risk of measuring my days in an artificial way, I want to take a few moments this evening, and every evening, to think about what I did or said that was truly important to me.

January 22

If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.
Oscar Wilde

Men tend, I think -- more than women -- to get bound up in wanting "things." I'm not talking about the proverbial roof over our heads, or a few good suits, or even a car that can be counted on to start when you turn the key. I mean big things: The BMW, the Big Vacation Home at the Lake, the Armani Suits, the Platinum Card. And what if we fill our lives and every comer of our houses with these things? It still doesn't save us from finally, one day, confronting ourselves in what all the accumulated stuff really means to us.

And, of course, as usual, Oscar Wilde was right. We need to step back when we can't make a big enough downpayment for the Maserati and say: "Well, the roof hasn't fallen in, my kids are healthy, and I'm really pretty happy with the old Honda."

I will try to think about what kinds of things I really need as opposed to what kinds of things I think I deserve. I will try to concentrate more on filling my life with things that can stand the test of time.

January 23

To do great work a man must be very idle as well as very industrious.
Samuel Butler

You look at your watch and notice you're a half hour late for the next meeting. You excuse yourself, run from the building, hail a cab, try to catch your breath, get fresh and ready for the next session. You get through it. The day is over, and you wonder if you did your best world. You think back to all the meetings, the lunches, the phone calls, and try to remember what you said. Were you good? Or did you just get by?

I have learned, and it's been a hard lesson, that the more time I take to be still, sometimes introspective, or just to catch my breath, the better my next task is completed. I get better results when I make the pauses as meaningful as the battle.

Clear, logical, unencumbered thinking is done without distraction. And we must never let ourselves think that distractions cause us to be sharper, better thinkers.

I must learn to put as much of my concentration into my idle moments as I do into my "productive" ones. I must learn the usefulness of punctuating my day with pauses.

January 24

Perhaps the best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time.
Dean Acheson

It is pleasant to think about the spring, especially if you're currently shoveling twelve inches of snow from the driveway. But what about today? We seldom give ourselves up to the moment and allow ourselves to experience and enjoy what is happening today.

We must learn to anticipate positive thoughts in a different, gentler light. The future is in five minutes as well as next April or next year. Today is yesterday's future, and we must set our inner "expectation clocks" back from time to time. Frantically planning ahead only works if your days are devoid of happiness and serenity.

Each day I need to think about the future, but in smaller increments. Today, truly, is the future.

January 25

The great secret of success is to go through lift as man who never gets used up.
Albert Schweitzer

So often, by about five P.M., most of us feel used up. We're running on empty by midday. At five o'clock we stumble to our cars or to the subway and barely notice the trip home.

How can we change this? One way is to know the signs of impending exhaustion. We need to be vigilant about how far we stretch ourselves, and we can only do that when we begin to stop taking on too much responsibility. Often we think about men who are described as pillars of their communities because they're on the parks commission, teach Sunday school, coach Little League, and cross the finish line at the town marathon.

I find a man who fits that description just a bit suspect. He's in over his head, most often by choice, and he's the man who will, someday, get "used up."

I need to recognize my own personal limits so that what I do take on I enjoy. I need to remember that I can't get the toothpaste back into the tube.

January 26

A ten thousand-aspirin job.
Japanese saying for executive responsibility

Work. What do we make of it? What does it give back to us? Are the terms career and work synonymous? Should they be?

Work for work's sake. Activity. Obsession. The Japanese have no corner on the workaholic market, but they do have a phrase for it, and they're beginning to understand that it is killing many men.

We must examine why we work, what our work is, and if it gives us any pleasure. How much are we willing to sacrifice so that we can make the mortgage payment?

I will examine why I'm working at this job, and I will think about how I can not enslave myself to my job. I will also think about play, and how to incorporate play into my everyday life.

January 27

There is an obvious cure for failure -- and that is success. But what is the cure for success?
Daniel J. Boorstin

Well, most of us would probably say the answer is "more success." And that is the way most of us behave. Whether you're a movie star or an advertising executive, proverbial wisdom has it that you're only as good as your last picture or your last slogan. The question is not how good is he but how good can he get? No one rests on laurels anymore. This isn't ancient Rome, and the only way to come out a winner is to keep on running even when the race is over.

Right? Well, no, I don't think so. The question is, how much is enough? How many times do you need to do the high wire act before people down below really believe you can do it? You need to feel good about what you do, but self-worth isn't measured by external approval. If you tell that to yourself every day you just may start to believe it. The thing is, if you drive yourself right down to the corner of Addiction and Success, you just may, never return.

A little success should go a long way. I'm going to allow myself to feel great about each success as it comes along and not just keep my eye on the bigger picture.

January 28

The art of being wire is the art of knowing what to overlook.
William James

Men who do too much rarely, if ever, overlook anything. We always have a heightened sense of awareness, hypervigilant, always at the ready to take something, anything, on. Keeping things simple, streamlining our lives, does not come easy to us.

We're bloodhounds on the trail of a thousand kinds of game, picking up one scent after another, but rarely tracking down the prize.

We clutter our lives with our calendars, overlook an emotional ledger, until we no longer have a grip on anything. Wisdom comes when we learn to focus, and allow the extraneous to dissipate and disappear.

Today I'll make a note of the five most important tasks to complete -- not six, not seven, just five. And tomorrow, I'll do it again.

January 29

Life is just one damned thing after another.
Elbert Hubbard

Most of us gentlemen who overcommit are men who don't have a lot of fun. We don't play very much or very often. Laughter is a fairly foreign language. We don't engage easily in what some call "small talk." Oh, we have our golf outings, our tennis game. But more often than not it's all part of the day's work. Lunch with clients. Drinks with potential business partners. Golf with the boss. Days turn into nights, and life is mostly just one damned thing after another.

Is too much work and not enough play making us dull boys, as the saying goes? Worse, are we making those who love us unhappy, as they wait on the sidelines for the fun we once promised them to begin?

Today I'll plan to take some time to browse in a bookstore or read Sports Illustrated, rent a movie or take a walk, but I will not give up 100 percent of my day to work.

January 30

The necessities were going by default to save the luxuries until we hardly knew which were necessities and which were luxuries.
Frank Lloyd Wright

OK. Of course we know what the essentials are -- we know the necessities of life include the roof over our heads, the groceries, the car payments, the heat, the electricity, the phone, the church, the insurance, the vacations, the extra TV, the VCR, the time-share in Aspen, the housekeeper, the gardener, the club dues, the season tickets to the ball games, the first class travel, the nanny, the "fun car," the IRS, the stockbroker, the lawyer, the accountant, well, you know...

More. More. More. Now all I need is an executive assistant to oversee my kingdom. Today I'll think about scaling back, downsizing, and how happy I was before I had so many things to watch over.

January 31

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
Richard Bach

Work doesn't have to be a ball and chain. Work can be, and often is, quite fulfilling. When work begins to enslave us, we know it. We're overtired. Short-tempered. Prickly.

Motivation and work should go hand in hand. The more we take on, the more frustrated we become. If we're passionate about our work -- or, to be less dramatic, we enjoy what we do -- we do not call it work.

I need to keep my mind open to what motivates me to work, and examine what that work is. There is nothing more taxing than facing a task that holds no mystery, no fascination, no passion.

Copyright © 1992 by Jonathon Lazear

Product Details

• Paperback: 400 pages
• Publisher: Fireside; PF edition (November 1, 1992)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0671759086
• ISBN-13: 978-0671759087
• Product Dimensions: 5.9 x 3.9 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #503,864 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

6 of 6 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A book for everyman, January 12, 2003

By 

"geopac" (Oceanside, CA United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much (Fireside/Parkside Meditation Book) (Paperback)

I have had 4 copies of this book and have passed all of them on to other friends whose lives are out of control or appear to be(probably the same thing). We(men) all resemble the statements in this book. Not all of the statements but enough that we all could get some insight and serenity from reading this book on a daily basis. It does not get old or repetitious and I continually find new insights. I would recommend this book as a must for any type "A" personality and necessary for anyone else.

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Simple, heartfelt book, October 31, 2001

By 

D. Kerr (San Francisco, CA USA) - See all my reviews
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Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much (Fireside/Parkside Meditation Book) (Paperback)

I've owned this book for maybe 4 years and have used it on and off--open to any date, and there's always some interesting quotation and thoughtful commentary. A great book!

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Excellent Collection of Thoughts, August 20, 2000

By 

Sanjay Agarwal (India) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Meditations for Men Who Do Too Much (Fireside/Parkside Meditation Book) (Paperback)

This book is an excellent collection of quotations on life. Unfortunately, it is totally spoilt by the collector's (Jonathon Lazear) commentary. Makes you feel you were back in school, and the teacher was pontificating on mysteries of Shakespeare.

The format of the book is good - one thought per day. The thought is given on top, in small type. This is followed by the collector's explanations on the same page. The third and the last portion on each page is a politically correct resolution based on the first two.

Unfortunately, Mr. Lazear, a literary agent by profession, intrudes endlessly on our thoughts and meditations. Page after page. All 366 of them (a leap year). He has excellent taste in collecting quotations. One wishes he had had the good sense to stop at that.

If you do want to buy (or have already bought it), consider ignoring the commentary. This will allow you to meditate on the thoughts contained in the book, instead of reading some one else's interpretation.