184 of 199 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Roll Your Eyes If You Must, But Jump In Anyway, February 19, 2004
Finally after 12 years and fourteen worldwide very successful million copies, MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS comes out across the USA in the more affordable paperback. Rather than the typical "I liked it, but" format, my experience with the book was that I wound it liking it more and more as it went on, but the introductory chapters almost stopped me flat.
In school we were warned not to write in "Glittering Generalities," yet Gray does his best to make a virtue of that. Who but a stand-up comedian would dare say "Canadians love Good Government, Americans love Liberty"? Or: "Californians crave B vitamins, Midwesterners crave protein"? Gray's whole thesis sounds just as simplistic at first. (In general, and with exceptions), Men are from Mars: Competitive, individualistic, not into "caring and sharing," wanting to be admired for their ability to hang tough and deliver the goods yet unwilling to communicate the fact they need admiration. And Women are from Venus: Craving respect from their men, looking for emotional bells and whistles and not so much material status symbols as their men might suppose, prone to cycles of emotional fatigue and dependent on their mates to cherish them. In the beginning it all sounded so like a 1950s Tupperware Party I almost gave up.
But I didn't, and eventually the book works, in no small part because Gray writes patiently and simply but not simplistically, supported by a huge pool of real-life examples from his own therapy sessions (and apparently lots of "plugs" from earlier editions of his books at its successors). It's hard to argue with people who tell you their marriage was saved by this book.
Gray deals with language a lot in this book, because "Martians" and "Venusians" speak different languages, and each is only remotely connected to English. (He even uses phrasebook-translation techniques at times!) If a man comes home mulling over something and seems withdrawn, his wife may ask him, "What's wrong"? He might say, "It's okay." This is Martian for, roughly paraphrasing, "I need to withdraw into myself (his "cave," Gray says), and mull over a situation. It may be a small technical matter or something more significant. I first have to isolate the matter, then chew on it, determine its scope, and try to solve it on my own. Trust me to have enough sense to try to solve it rationally, and trust me to have enough sense to seek advice from the right source if it's something I can't handle on my own. Please DO NOT keep offering help. That's a waste of your time and mine; and it's a double insult to imply that I can't solve most of my own problems and that you somehow would be better at solving my own problems that I am." So the woman cannot interpret "It's OK" into Venusian ("Please help me") or even literal English ("Everything's fine; I'm going to relate to you normally").
On the other hand, suppose Mars and Venus are in the car, getting ready to leave the house for a long-planned camping trip. Mars turns the ignition key; Venus suddenly sighs and says, "I feel all the life is being squeezed out of me. You NEVER do anything with me anymore." Mars should not, SHOULD NOT, respond to the challenge of "never" by saying "If I 'never' do anything with you, what the Hell do you call this trip?" Which would lead to hurt feelings, bickering, perhaps an all-out fight. And Mars probably has no clue his spouse is uttering Venusian dialect meaning something along the lines of "I'm at an emotional low. All the planning and packing has drained me. I need love and sympathy. Please show how much you care for me so that I can start re-investing my trust in you." His best response might be . . . no response at all. Or maybe something like "mmmm." (Gray is very big on non-verbal verbal communication.) Martians have to listen beneath the words, beneath the contract, and learn to hear the tone ringing through the context.
Sound difficult? It is. That's why it takes a medium-sized book to broach the subject; and my paraphrases, however glib, have been worked as much as possible to be accurate. Gray's theories are convincing in structure, attitude and -- as I've said above -- outcome. Not for everyone and not all the time, but maybe for eighty percent of American couples who aren't "newlywed or nearly dead." The mass of people who haven't given up -- who care about keeping their relationships intact -- especially those who come out of an argument truly puzzled as to why mere misunderstandings escalate into wars of words, or why their problem-solving seems to ground-out at the level of "S/he's always got to WIN an argument." This book is not just for stereotype Alan Aldas or Stepford Wives; to borrow a phrase it has worked for a lot of people who worked it and will continue to do so. Just don't confuse John Gray with Moses, lest the "Commandment-like" tone of his opening chapters put you off this very good and useful book. ;)
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46 of 49 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Loved the book, but not at first!, August 2, 1999
By A Customer
This review is from: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (Audio CD)
A friend recommended this book to me a year ago, but I didn't want to read it at that time. But later, my 30-year old son told me he heard the casette and liked it, so I decided to give it a try.
When I began to read the book, I was impressed with the way it described some of the differences between men and women. The book gave me a lot of insight and answered some of the questions I've puzzled about for a long time. However, I got bogged down with the book's repetitiveness.
Since my son liked the tape, I bought it(abridged) and found I liked the concepts even better in a condensed form. After listening to the casette several times and understanding it, I enjoyed the book better, too. The wisdom of its concepts began to grow on me. Now, I often think of the concepts taught. Using them increases understanding between us in our marriage. The concepts aren't difficult, just different than what I would think up on my own. I found my husband likes the tape, too. We're going on a trip this weekend and plan to take the tape along and listen to it again.
I appreciated ways to word feelings that I couldn't think of how to express before. Sometimes feelings and words are very far apart in our heads. The book helped me to express how I feel, and it helps us to have better discussions on the way we feel without getting angry about it. I was often amazed at a concept and checked it out with my husband, and he always agreed with what was taught as a man's point of view.
This book and tape help us remember that men and women are different, and they are meant to be different! So, let's enjoy it and work together instead of complaining about it!
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12 of 12 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Why We Love Our Men, September 29, 2004
"Falling in love is always magical. It feels eternal, as if love will last forever. We naively believe that somehow we are exempt from the problems our parents had, free from the odds that love will die, assured that it is meant to be and that we are destined to live happily ever after." Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, is a book on how the opposite sex should approach different situations that could occur in a relationship early. Author John Gray realized that men and women are having problems expressing their needs to each other so he decided to write a book that would guide young couples to a loving and secure relationship. Unknowingly this book has affected a lot of relationships in the world today. Many people feel that this book has broken the code of silence between men and women everywhere. It has allowed them to expresses freely what they have been suppressing for far too long. Within this book John Gray discusses topics like "Mr. Fix-It and The Home Improvement Committee," "Men go to their Cave and Women Talk," and "How to Motivate the Opposite Sex." All of these chapters give specifics on how to improve a relationship without hurting the other feelings.
"We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in a certain way, the ways we react and behave when we love someone." This is a direct quote from Dr. Gray. Here I think that he is trying to show us that we can not change the way we are, as humans, even if the person we are trying to change is our partner. If you read the book thoroughly you will see that this book gives a lot of generalizations, but you should understand that this book was not written for a specific population, Dr. Gray was just trying to give some insight on relationships based on things that he personally experienced in his marriage and things he observed in different couples. While I was reading this book I noticed that even in my relationship I say things that may come across like I am uncaring, but after I got a thorough understanding of the true message in the text I realized that there are different methods of communication that I feel all couples should develop if they want to keep their relationships and marriage alive.
Dr. Gray uses situations that could happen to every couple to display several points that he felt was important. I can just about guarantee you that almost every situation or argument given is this book will relate to you as a reader on a more personal level. You will begin to see that some of the things you were arguing about were so petty that the whole thing can be very sickening. I am not going to say that everything you read in this book is going to apply to every situation you experience in life; however the bottom line is that you realize that there are certain situations that can occur in relationships that can be easily avoided. As a person who has read the book, I can honestly say that if you follow some of the suggestions that Dr. Gray gives you will experience some positive feed back from your partner. This could either work for the best or it could also work for the worse, however you will never know if you don't give the suggestions a chance. This book forces you to be open-minded and considerate of the other person's feelings and circumstances.
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