Customer Reviews

Men Who Can't Love

5 star:		(111)
4 star:		(23)
3 star:		(8)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(4)

 

 

I have read this book three times. Each time I find more information and it further explains my ex-boyfriend as he has through the years let out more of his Commitmentphobic tendencies. This book really hits the nail on the head with this problem. It's like the authors monitored your whole relationship and are now writing about your whole crazy situation! Which helps because reading this lets you know you aren't crazy and to stop beating yourself up over all of the issues the Commitmentphobic person has created. Depending on where you are in your life these relationships could destroy you and everything you have worked for personally and this book could be your saving grace. It doesn't place a lot of nasty blame or finger pointing on the man, it explains Commitmentphobia; it is a real problem! Believe me after he promised counseling and made super romantic attempts to be with me I went back to him each time, after two years we are apart again. Hence this is the third time I have read this book and hopefully the last. It all takes time to sink in I think, no matter how strong you are. Read it whenever you need it to keep your head out of the haze they create and to keep your self-esteem in tact. While reading through the book you will find yourself highlighting nearly the whole book, checking off every sign in the different stages as they are explained. The best money you will ever spend if this is your situation!

This is an important book for anyone who is suffering the fallout of a fairy tale beginning of a relationship. I recently found myself engaged after only 4 months of dating (and I am someone that ALL my friends call overly-cautious where men are concerned). He was everything I ever wanted in a man....or so I thought. Things were great until a ring was purchased. All of a sudden, nothing I wanted or needed in life mattered to this man, nothing I did was right and I began to feel like I had no business breathing. It was like being hit by a bus head on. I walked around shell-shocked for days..pleading with him to please talk to me....what happened? Thank goodness for this book. I started reading this book with the hope that things would work out between us but by the end I no longer WANTED things to 'work out' with this man. When I read the line "would you let a friend treat you like this?" I thought....NO WAY. If a friend did to me what he's done, that person would be written off my list. I do think that one should not read this book and believe that all the commitment problems are his. NOTHING happens in our lives by accident. If you are in a world of hurt because of a relationship THIS IS THE BOOK TO READ!

The minute I started reading this book, I couldn't believe how accurate it all was and yet how a person like me could fall into this kind of relationship. I thought he cared, I believed things he did and said, until it came crashing down and continued to disappoint me and let me down. It's been the hardest thing to let go and move on because of the memories and the feelings that felt so real. But getting away from these men who can't commit, will never change, and can't love is the best, most self-respecting thing you can do for yourself. I could never have made it through the pain without this book. I read it every morning to make it through the day and remind myself of answers to my questions: why doesn't he love me anymore? how could he do this? how could he forget about us? how could abandon what we had together?

I sat in tears at the library reading this book because it was like reading my life. It was so reassuring to know that there are other women who have suffered as much just because we give our love so freely and unconditionally. It was a review of this book that made me go out and read it immediately. She had written about exactly what I was going through. Age seems not to make a difference. Once a commitmentphobe, always one it appears. My "soul-mate" was 20 years older than me, in his late fifties. An interesting twist on my story, is that although he had plenty of money, he never bought me a birthday, Valetine's or Christmas gift. I don't think it was so much the money, as it was his feeling that a gift would indicate commitment. He would never spend the night with me, and seemed content to talk romantically about what the future would hold - how wonderful it would be to snuggle together, couldn't wait to be together all the time, etc. He was just living in a fantasy world of no commitment, while I was seeing a rosy future, completely unaware that he was about to yank the rug out from under me. After never having a fight, always laughing, and romantic walks on the beach, he one night (after a date), announced he didn't see us with a future together. Thankfully, I had the common sense to calmly say that was all I needed to hear, and gave him his things. If you think that not crowding these men will do the trick, forget it. I never once called him, (always waited for him to call me), never asked him to meet my family, never asked to meet his children, never mentioned marriage, continued having an active social life with my friends (he never asked me out for Saturday night dates - just assumed he could call Saturday afternoon, and I'd be sitting there), never went to his place, and also attended school while working full-time. I just assumed that once he realized I had my own active life, and wasn't trying to change his life that he would feel comfortable with marriage. Just as the book says, the very fact that the relationship is so good is what sends them into a tailspin, and makes them ruin it. We went through two breakups, with almost a year apart in between. When we got back together, he was even more romantic, and willing to do anything for us to be together. I was so thrilled, and then just as devastated six months later when he did the same thing again, and ended it. I still miss talking to him and being with him. I will never call him, but when I feel especially down, I read the reviews for the book. Therapy has helped, and it's good to know that it takes on average, two years to get over such a traumatic breakup. For most of us, we see a wonderful future, and then it disappears in an instant. I'm determined not to give him such power over me that he makes my life miserable. What I'm thankful for, is that I saw it before we might have married. The book also says that marriage doesn't change them. They are just as distant and emotionally abusive. I can't imagine the horror of giving up my own place, and one day waking up to hear the words, "I don't love you the way I thought I did". For all of you going through this misery, hang on to that thought. I was also helped a great deal by reading books by Wayne Dyer, and Deepak Chopra. Reading their books will make you stronger, and better able to find a wonderful man who is deserving of you.

I purchased this book and read it in 8 hours. I had just beenthrough a 4 year relationship with a Commitmentphobic guy. We were onagain and off all that time. Each time he got close to having t make a commitment, he ran. Finally on Mar. 18,2000 when in Key West, he proposed to me at sun set on the ocean. I said yes and was the happiest person in the world finally getting the commitment from the person I loved most in this world and the person I worked so hard for. From that moment everything changed, he became withdrawn, disinterested in me, disinterested in sex,all of which are mentioned in this book. Within one week he told me he didn't want to get married, that he was getting physically ill from feeling trapped. I did not understand and have not spoken to him since until I read this book. I now see that it was not me and that he definately ahs a problem that cannot really be fixed. I have decided I ahve to let him go and am finally accepting that he will never change. I will never forgive him for making me the happiest and the saddest person in one week and for embarrassing me with friends , family and co-workers but I am now able to move on and know why our relationship failed and no longer blame myself for not doing enough. I recommend anyone who has a similar situation to read this book and don't put all the blame on you.

Thanks to everyone who has written testimonials on this site. Just as in the book, the sheer quantity and consistent message of each of these notes is very helpful when you are in the throes of one of these relationships. All three of my long-term relationships have been with men who were afraid to love and afraid of commitment (3 yrs, 2yrs, 8 months). You might say I am now officially an expert - who got smarter each time! One of the men has been married quite a long time now and I feel sorry for his wife, because I know this doesn't magically disappear.

What no one has mentioned so far is how incredibly selfish this behavior is and how incredibly programmed many women are to put the needs of their man ahead of their own. Most of these men must be in total control of every aspect of their relationships to feel okay. And as the person who was being controlled, I can tell you that I played a major part in allowing it to happen. Taking ownership of your participation is a good first step in moving on.

When you look honestly at the past you may find that what you thought was intense and sometimes wonderful couldn't even be called a relationship. If one of the people spends most of their time trying not to feel anything, then the other person lives in constant fear that any day the whole thing could disappear. What kind of a life is that?

One of the saddest outcomes of going out with men like this is that you can never get to real relationship issues because you aren't dealing with fully grown-up people. So I feel like I have never really learned "the good stuff" that would help me in a mature relationship.

We should feel sorry for these men and move on. What a sad way to lead your life - to walk through it and never learn the really beautiful lessons of a real relationship and never know genuine love. It takes courage to break the cycle - here's to all the courageous women who have posted on this site. Good luck to you all in finding a mature man and a relationship that allows you to grow.

After 3 years of the roller coaster relationship, it took moving to another country to get away from my commitmentphobic. We were like magnets with opposite poles - when I moved closer, he backed off. And when I left, he'd come running. Then when I acquiesed, he'd do something destructive to the relationship. This book helped me to recognize his behavior and changed my reactions to it. It also let me I.D. those men in an instant and stay away from them. It took 7 more years of being single, but now I've been happily married for 2 years. If I didn't have this book, I would have continued to make the same mistakes and choose the same type of men. It also helped me forgive the man in my previous relationship. This is significant because bitterness can eat you alive and keep you in the same trap. I read it 3 times for strength and optimism. "Men Who Can't Love" gave me hope that someone was out there, that I could change who I would choose, and helped me stand on my own two feet until I found him.

It seems like a giant weight has been lifted. I bought and read this book in one day, and it simply turned me around. Like everyone else -- I wish I bought it sooner, because I could have bailed before letting my commitmentphobic jerk me around. Same story -- I wasn't too interested, he pursued like a dog, had to see me, made plans for our future (including taking me to see his parents in his home in the middle east). Then, BOOM -- all of a sudden he wanted nothing to do with me. Of course, I spent weeks wondering how I could have lost Mr. Wonderful -- what did I do wrong? Then I read that Mars/Venus stuff, which "showed how I contributed to the problem". Not a real self-esteem booster, nor is it really based in reality. Then quite by chance I met one of his ex's (small world), who told me he did the same thing when they were together. I then found this book, and can't express how validating it was -- my confidence is fully restored. I really have only one thing to add to the reviews here -- notice that in no case has anyone written "yes, I found this book, and we were able to resolve his issues and are happy". In each case, the commitmentphobic runs like the wind. Let him.

This book is essential for any woman who feels CRAZY from all the mixed messages she receives from one of these men. I recently ended a relationship with the poster child for passive-aggressive, selfish commitmentphobes and I have never seen a more absurdly accurate description of what these guys put us through. It is literally a play-by-play handbook of my relationship and how he behaved in every single situation over the past 4 years. It enables you to predict his next move with 100% accuracy which gives YOU 100% of yourself back. You will regain your sanity, your dignity and complete control in your relationship because you'll know exactly what to expect from him for a change! I could have saved myself 3 years and 11 months. Trust me, this book will validate your experience when he has you convinced that you're over-the-edge and his behavior is perfectly normal, oh - and he really does love you! (too bad he only shows it when you leave him). Trust me, these guys will play with your head and break your heart for as long as you let them and trust me - they don't change! This book proves it to you by exposing their game. When you see how absurdly predictable they are, you will finally have the validation you need to trust your instincts over his word. By the time you finish the last chapter and test some of the examples, you will have lost any shred of doubt in yourself and every ounce of respect for him. Having this information in black and white really makes it easy to end your relationship once and for all without any of the guilt you've become so accustomed to. You'll finally be free to find a real man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Thank You Steven and Julia!

This is the BEST book I have read on the subject of commitment-phobic men. It answered all the questions I had. Just a few pages into the book, I began to relax; it wasn't my fault. I could understand why someone didn't call me again, but most of all, I understood why a seemingly great relationship went bad. If you have had or are currently in a relationship with someone who gives mixed messages and you just can't get a grasp on what is wrong, this book will tell you. Also, it doesn't tell women to do something to change themselves. About one-third into the book, I knew everything the authors wrote made sense.