Customer Reviews

Men and Marriage

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Men and Marriage benefits the modern reader in a number of ways. Providing excellent data and analysis on males and females in modern society, the book enables its reader to better understand the modern controversy over men and women's respective roles in society. Gilder feels that one of modern society's key problems is its denials of the differences between the sexes and, as a logical corollary, its denial of appropriate roles. He writes, "Though rejecting feminist politics and lesbian posturing, American culture has absorbed the underlying ideology like a sponge. The principal tenets of sexual liberation or sexual liberalism--the obsolescence of masculinity and femininity, of sex roles, and of heterosexual monogamy as the moral norm--have diffused through the system and become part of America's conventional wisdom." Gilder has also performed an invaluable service by providing relevant material for couples and singles. Gilder wants the single woman to u! nderstand that if she decides to sacrifice her twenties on the altar of career, she could easily find herself a celibate priest serving that altar for the rest of her life. Gilder reports that Yale and Harvard sociologists, after analyzing census data, concluded that a woman who waits until her mid-thirties only has a 5% chance of getting married. The author also has much to say to the single man. Of the most unique and striking of Gilder's observations on the sexes is his contention that the average single man struggles with an inherent irresponsibility that only marriage can cure. While this assertion may have had a secure, albeit covert, place in yesterday's conventional wisdom, Gilder boldly presents the thesis with impressive statistical support. Single men are 30% more likely than single women to be unemployed. If they get a job, the single man will make very little more than his single girlfriend, in striking contrast to the substantial earning power of the married! man who takes home 70% more income. Single college gradua! tes will normally earn about the same as married graduates of high school. Gilder suggests, "It could well be more important for an ambitious young man to get married than to go to college" (p. 63). Demographically, except possibly for the divorced, the single most disturbed group in the United States is single men. Between the ages of 25 and 65 the single man is 30% more likely than single women to be depressed. He is 30% more likely to exhibit a tendency toward phobias and passivity. The unmarried man is three times more likely to experience a nervous breakdown and 22 times more likely to be committed to an institution because of mental disease. And these statistics are not just cause for sympathy for the single man, but a cause for concern. For 90% of all violent crime is committed by single men even though above the age of 14 they only make up about 13% of the population. The statistics and analyses that Gilder provides on singleness leads to another vita! l area that he addresses. A theme that Gilder resounds with great force is the degree to which a healthy society is in fact dependent on the health of its families. He writes, "As a social institution, marriage transcends all individuals. The health of a society, its collective vitality, ultimately resides in its concern for the future, its sense of a connection with generations to come" (p. 16). While the first six chapters of the Gilder's tome, which focus on sexual roles, are easily worth price of the book; its remainder is a tour de force on the relationship of modern sexual thought and the ghetto, welfare, homosexuality, the workplace, education, politics, and biogenetic engineering. While many will view this work as an anachronistic throwback to the 50s, it's empirical support of its major theses gives the reader pause.

This book received a lot of flack when it first came out. The demand for equality among men and women was finally being accepted as a proper ideal for a civilized society, and anyone who disagreed was deservedly shouted down. But amidst the great din, it was presumed with terrible shallowness that any thoughtful challenge was traitorous activity (This, unfortunately, is often still the case.) George Gilder was one of the first to point out that 'equality' does not mean 'sameness', that acknowledging the equality of women does not mean that men and women think, feel, or ought to act, in the same ways, or that it is 'bad' to examine the question of whether there might be gender roles that are indeed sensible, virtuous, and possibly even wonderful. As we look back over the years since the feminist movement began, we cannot honestly say that the changes we have made have made everyone happy. It is worth going back and taking a calm, thoughtful, fresh look at the challenges that George Gilder raised in this book.

I agree with a lot of what previous posters have said but would like to add that Mr. Gilder is indeed a gifted writer. The book is replete with "laugh-out-loud" witicism interspersed between salient point after salient point. I loved it.

As an African American who grew up in a working class neighborhood which, over the 20 years since my departure, has deteriorated almost to the point of "ghetto", I can say unequivocally that whatever Gilder points out concerning the general population indeed goes triple for the African American community. If America has drunken the feminist "kool-aid" and relegated husbandhood and fatherhood to the trash heap of obselescence, the black community has taken said "kool-aid" intravenously...and it shows!

Thanks Mr. Gilder for you engaging contribution to sanity.

I grew up in a disfunctional family situation and I thought all through my twenties that I never ever wanted to get married. Marriage is where the misery starts, so I thought. The funny things though is I could never say I was happy, and I got less and less happy every years. I was in a downward spiral psychologically.

When I read this book, so many obvious things became clear. Things so obvious and common-sense that you might never think of it yourself and you certainly won't hear on the "news for entertainment" media or from Hollywood. Singleness is a problem, especially for men.

So, I had a change of heart toward marriage and was eventually blessed with a wonderful wife and now I can say, even with all the extra responsibility of a wife and kids, that I'm genually happy with my life. I owe a lot of it to this book.

Years ago George Gilder published Sexual Suicide, then revised and expanded and renamed it Men and Marriage (Gretna, LA: Pelican Publishing Company, c. 1986). Gilder is better known for his work on economics, Wealth and Poverty, a supply-side manifesto widely discussed in the 1980's, but as a professional writer he has addressed a wide variety of social issues, including sexuality. And though his presentation has religious overtones, his argument is mainly philosophical and pragmatic.
First he focuses on "the facts of life." No issue needs more attention, Gilder argues, than that of men and marriage, for our hedonistic culture encourages men to behave irresponsibly. The oft-touted sexual revolution, praised in some circles for liberating women, has fundamentally freed men from family ties and obligations. Unattached, predatory males endanger our civilization--as do vandals and gang members on urban streets. Historians and anthropologists assure us that men, in every culture, have found their identity in providing for women and children. Women conceive and bear and nurture children as an inescapable biological reality. Their role is fixed. Men, however, need marriage to find their role. "The crucial process of civilization is the subordination of male sexual impulses and biology to the long-term horizons of female sexuality" (p. 5). Thus the health of any society depends upon the health and durability of its marriages.
Resisting those who willfully blur sexual distinctions, who naively assert (in highly utopian ways) that sexual differences are cultural rather than biological, Gilder insists there are indeed ineradicable differences which must be recognized and respected. Citing an "authoritative text on the subject, The Psychology of Sex Differences by Carol Jacklin and Eleanor Maccoby (who chaired the department of psychology at Stanford), Gilder contends: males' sexual hormones make them innately more aggressive; sex differences appear quite early in life and resemble those found in non-human primates; men crave leadership positions in groups. Men, for example, bond together in hierarchical structures, finding fulfillment in athletic teams, military units, street gangs, or revolutionary movements.
Divorced from women, men turn barbarians--"they rape and pillage, debauch and despoil the settlements of society" (p. 39). Only when their sexual drive is restrained by the structures of marriage, only when their bounty-hunting tendencies are overcome by the responsibilities of fatherhood, only when women say "no" to footloose males, can a men be "tamed."
That's not happening in our society. Consequently monogamy is crumbling. Couples "live together" rather than marry. Those who marry frequently divorce--the men moving on to other mates, enjoying a socially-approved "system of polygyny" (p. 76). Gilder notes that young women have no difficulty attracting males, but 15 or 20 years later they discover themselves abandoned or ignored. Shiftless males forever focus on "sexual princesses" who are most physically attractive. So, sadly enough, single women over 35 have only a five percent chance of marrying.
The collapse of monogamy most strikingly appears in America's inner-city ghettoes and--surprisingly enough--Scandinavian welfare states. Race is irrelevant. So is income. What is relevant is a welfare system which incubates fatherless families. Unneeded as a provider, the man seeks identity in a series of sexual conquests and violent adventures. "All civilized societies train their men to protect and defend women." When they abandon their post, when male aggressions turn against women, "the group tends to disintegrate completely and even to become extinct" (p. 136).
Like Weldon Hardenbrook, Gilder unapologetically calls for patriarchal families and societies. Alleged "matriarchies" have simply never existed; they never can exist. It's either patriarchy or anarchy. Experimental androgynous communities, such as the Communist communes and Israel kibbutzim, slowly and surely swing back to patriarchal structures. Certain segments of modern America, following utopian advocates of androgyny, illustrate what Michael Levin described as "'the feminist road to socialism'" (p. 150). The quest for "egalitarian marriages" in places such as Sweden, for example, has led to "the obsolescence of marriage itself" (p. 152). Tragically, "The United States is enacting many of the policies that brought sexual suicide to Sweden" (p. 153).
Nothing is more important than restoring the health and integrity of the family! Such wisdom typified ancient China, as is evident in this statement in I Ching: "The family . . . is the native soil on which performance of moral duty is made easy through natural affection so that within a small circle a basis of moral practice is created, and then is widened to include human relationships in general . . . ." (p. 165). In Men and Marriage, Gilder simply seeks to recover that ancient Chinese wisdom, declaring: "Most achievement in the world, I believe, reflects the force of family, first the patience and patrimony of parents and relatives, then the inspiration and support of husband or wife, finally the challenge and responsibility of the next generation. Some children can thrive in the absence of all this; but the society as a whole depends on family connections to succeed" (p. 193).
Gilder's message finds few adherents on soap operas or among the elite intelligentsia. But it certainly squares with the portrait presented us in Scripture and traditional cultures. Whether our nation can survive while ignoring it is a question only future historians will decide. This book's readable, challenging, irritating, fascinating in part because Gilder dares to take a strong, "reactionary" stance.

This book is as true as the day it was first published. Men truly need women, as the author writes, to "socialize and civilize" them. Without the influence of women, men are left to their own devices, and become slaves to their passions, which generally results in what would be termed "anti-social" behavior. "Radical feminism" is not good for this country, or any other. Rather than trying to make the sexes "equal", we should appreciate the differences. The author notes it is these differences that make society "work". This book is a great little gem, and definitely worth your time.

I have no idea why George Gilder's 1987 book, "Men and Marriage," escaped my attention until a copy was given to me this year (2009). While this is a revised and expanded edition of "Sexual Suicide," published in 1973, it sounds like it was written very recently.

My only bone to pick with the book is the title, since it's about much more than men and marriage, but about how the sexual revolution of the Sixties has impacted every facet of our society from gender roles and family structure, to government, military, economics, welfare, science, social science and education.

Gilder writes with a passionate voice, and this is what makes this book engaging reading. He has done extensive research, and each chapter, paragraph and sentence is packed with meaning. The only evidence that this volume was written over 20 years ago (other than the dates in the extensive endnotes) is the fact that much of what Gilder has predicted has been coming true all around us.

Evidence is seen in the continuing rise of divorce, unwed mothers, cohabitation, pornography, welfare, women in the military (in combat roles), "Don't ask, don't tell," immigration (both legal and illegal), in vitro fertilization, social manipulation by the government, and much more.

This book makes other volumes on traditional family values seem like baby food. If you care about these issues, don't let the copyright date stop you from getting this book. I just heard George Gilder on the radio, and I plan to read more of his books in the future.

George Gilder's Men and Marriage thoughtfully explores how single adult males differ from married adult males in a number of different ways, from income to mental illness. While denial of nature has been in vogue over the last 25 years or so when one gets enmeshed in the age-old "nature vs nurture" debate, GG shows how it is relevant and how both genders benefit from marriage in practical and intangible ways. Marriage socializes and/or tames men and as a result their energies are channeled in a more productive manner; everyone benefits. Thought provoking and highly recommended!

According to Gilder, single men are criminal barbarians if they don't get married. Single men also don't pay the bills and don't hold down their low paying jobs. --Offended yet? --Gilder does have evidence to back up what he has to say, although as single man, I can't say that all the pathologies that he says I might have, apply to me.

The isolation that men gravitate toward causes loneliness and a sense that that they are out of life's loop, so to speak. Isolation leads to depression, which may lead to suicide. He says that men are happier married, although I must say, when I hear them talk about their wives and kids, I would never know.

If a man gets divorced, will he be worse off than when we was just single? Gilder doesn't delve into this question much.

It's nice to see someone defending marraige, which is a rarity these days. Most of the time I hear that's it's hard work and you shouldn't get married if you're not sure you're compatible. I even hear this from traditional Christian media that believes in marraige, but doesn't sell it too well when they emphasize the problems of marraige all the time.

I think marraige may become a thing of the past since more and more people are living together in unstable relationships that eventually end, often producing children as well. It is hard to get married if no one in society wants to get married anymore.

Gilder points out that male sexuality is based on meaningless pleasure that does not lead him into becoming a husband and father which would give him a meaningful role in life. A man has to be pushed into this by society for his own good, even though initially he sees this as oppressive. Since society no longer goads men into marraige, the meaningless hedonism continues.

Gilder believes that the traditional sex roles uphold the the foundations of society and are not to be tampered with.

The reviewer before me mentioned some interesting statistics about married versus single men. The writer of the book used his statistics to sugest that for men's success getting married may be more important than college.

I would like to say that correlation does not mean causation. Is it that married men get so much support from women when they are married that they are more likely to succeed? Or could it be that many women only want to marry successful men? My guess is that it is more the latter than the former. Men who are successful are more likely to find women that want to marry them. I have met many women who will blatenlly tell you that they hope to one day mary a rich and successful man. Most men desire to eventually get married. By this reasoning most men that are not married are not married because women thought they were not successful enough, or had to many emotional problems. Did getting married cause success, or did the probability of success cause marriage?