Customer Reviews

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

5 star:		(85)
4 star:		(47)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(7)
1 star:		(24)

 

 

Finally after 12 years and fourteen worldwide very successful million copies, MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS comes out across the USA in the more affordable paperback. Rather than the typical "I liked it, but" format, my experience with the book was that I wound it liking it more and more as it went on, but the introductory chapters almost stopped me flat.

In school we were warned not to write in "Glittering Generalities," yet Gray does his best to make a virtue of that. Who but a stand-up comedian would dare say "Canadians love Good Government, Americans love Liberty"? Or: "Californians crave B vitamins, Midwesterners crave protein"? Gray's whole thesis sounds just as simplistic at first. (In general, and with exceptions), Men are from Mars: Competitive, individualistic, not into "caring and sharing," wanting to be admired for their ability to hang tough and deliver the goods yet unwilling to communicate the fact they need admiration. And Women are from Venus: Craving respect from their men, looking for emotional bells and whistles and not so much material status symbols as their men might suppose, prone to cycles of emotional fatigue and dependent on their mates to cherish them. In the beginning it all sounded so like a 1950s Tupperware Party I almost gave up.

But I didn't, and eventually the book works, in no small part because Gray writes patiently and simply but not simplistically, supported by a huge pool of real-life examples from his own therapy sessions (and apparently lots of "plugs" from earlier editions of his books at its successors). It's hard to argue with people who tell you their marriage was saved by this book.

Gray deals with language a lot in this book, because "Martians" and "Venusians" speak different languages, and each is only remotely connected to English. (He even uses phrasebook-translation techniques at times!) If a man comes home mulling over something and seems withdrawn, his wife may ask him, "What's wrong"? He might say, "It's okay." This is Martian for, roughly paraphrasing, "I need to withdraw into myself (his "cave," Gray says), and mull over a situation. It may be a small technical matter or something more significant. I first have to isolate the matter, then chew on it, determine its scope, and try to solve it on my own. Trust me to have enough sense to try to solve it rationally, and trust me to have enough sense to seek advice from the right source if it's something I can't handle on my own. Please DO NOT keep offering help. That's a waste of your time and mine; and it's a double insult to imply that I can't solve most of my own problems and that you somehow would be better at solving my own problems that I am." So the woman cannot interpret "It's OK" into Venusian ("Please help me") or even literal English ("Everything's fine; I'm going to relate to you normally").

On the other hand, suppose Mars and Venus are in the car, getting ready to leave the house for a long-planned camping trip. Mars turns the ignition key; Venus suddenly sighs and says, "I feel all the life is being squeezed out of me. You NEVER do anything with me anymore." Mars should not, SHOULD NOT, respond to the challenge of "never" by saying "If I 'never' do anything with you, what the Hell do you call this trip?" Which would lead to hurt feelings, bickering, perhaps an all-out fight. And Mars probably has no clue his spouse is uttering Venusian dialect meaning something along the lines of "I'm at an emotional low. All the planning and packing has drained me. I need love and sympathy. Please show how much you care for me so that I can start re-investing my trust in you." His best response might be . . . no response at all. Or maybe something like "mmmm." (Gray is very big on non-verbal verbal communication.) Martians have to listen beneath the words, beneath the contract, and learn to hear the tone ringing through the context.

Sound difficult? It is. That's why it takes a medium-sized book to broach the subject; and my paraphrases, however glib, have been worked as much as possible to be accurate. Gray's theories are convincing in structure, attitude and -- as I've said above -- outcome. Not for everyone and not all the time, but maybe for eighty percent of American couples who aren't "newlywed or nearly dead." The mass of people who haven't given up -- who care about keeping their relationships intact -- especially those who come out of an argument truly puzzled as to why mere misunderstandings escalate into wars of words, or why their problem-solving seems to ground-out at the level of "S/he's always got to WIN an argument." This book is not just for stereotype Alan Aldas or Stepford Wives; to borrow a phrase it has worked for a lot of people who worked it and will continue to do so. Just don't confuse John Gray with Moses, lest the "Commandment-like" tone of his opening chapters put you off this very good and useful book. ;)

A friend recommended this book to me a year ago, but I didn't want to read it at that time. But later, my 30-year old son told me he heard the casette and liked it, so I decided to give it a try.

When I began to read the book, I was impressed with the way it described some of the differences between men and women. The book gave me a lot of insight and answered some of the questions I've puzzled about for a long time. However, I got bogged down with the book's repetitiveness.

Since my son liked the tape, I bought it(abridged) and found I liked the concepts even better in a condensed form. After listening to the casette several times and understanding it, I enjoyed the book better, too. The wisdom of its concepts began to grow on me. Now, I often think of the concepts taught. Using them increases understanding between us in our marriage. The concepts aren't difficult, just different than what I would think up on my own. I found my husband likes the tape, too. We're going on a trip this weekend and plan to take the tape along and listen to it again.

I appreciated ways to word feelings that I couldn't think of how to express before. Sometimes feelings and words are very far apart in our heads. The book helped me to express how I feel, and it helps us to have better discussions on the way we feel without getting angry about it. I was often amazed at a concept and checked it out with my husband, and he always agreed with what was taught as a man's point of view.

This book and tape help us remember that men and women are different, and they are meant to be different! So, let's enjoy it and work together instead of complaining about it!

"Falling in love is always magical. It feels eternal, as if love will last forever. We naively believe that somehow we are exempt from the problems our parents had, free from the odds that love will die, assured that it is meant to be and that we are destined to live happily ever after." Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, is a book on how the opposite sex should approach different situations that could occur in a relationship early. Author John Gray realized that men and women are having problems expressing their needs to each other so he decided to write a book that would guide young couples to a loving and secure relationship. Unknowingly this book has affected a lot of relationships in the world today. Many people feel that this book has broken the code of silence between men and women everywhere. It has allowed them to expresses freely what they have been suppressing for far too long. Within this book John Gray discusses topics like "Mr. Fix-It and The Home Improvement Committee," "Men go to their Cave and Women Talk," and "How to Motivate the Opposite Sex." All of these chapters give specifics on how to improve a relationship without hurting the other feelings.

"We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in a certain way, the ways we react and behave when we love someone." This is a direct quote from Dr. Gray. Here I think that he is trying to show us that we can not change the way we are, as humans, even if the person we are trying to change is our partner. If you read the book thoroughly you will see that this book gives a lot of generalizations, but you should understand that this book was not written for a specific population, Dr. Gray was just trying to give some insight on relationships based on things that he personally experienced in his marriage and things he observed in different couples. While I was reading this book I noticed that even in my relationship I say things that may come across like I am uncaring, but after I got a thorough understanding of the true message in the text I realized that there are different methods of communication that I feel all couples should develop if they want to keep their relationships and marriage alive.

Dr. Gray uses situations that could happen to every couple to display several points that he felt was important. I can just about guarantee you that almost every situation or argument given is this book will relate to you as a reader on a more personal level. You will begin to see that some of the things you were arguing about were so petty that the whole thing can be very sickening. I am not going to say that everything you read in this book is going to apply to every situation you experience in life; however the bottom line is that you realize that there are certain situations that can occur in relationships that can be easily avoided. As a person who has read the book, I can honestly say that if you follow some of the suggestions that Dr. Gray gives you will experience some positive feed back from your partner. This could either work for the best or it could also work for the worse, however you will never know if you don't give the suggestions a chance. This book forces you to be open-minded and considerate of the other person's feelings and circumstances.

Bought the book after my last breakup. I was so fed-up with not knowing where the problem was. Fighting about nothing and making her upset even though all my intentions were good. I had no clue why we were fighting. I wanted to do something about it, read a few pages of this book and then bought it myself.
Great book, very stereotypical but everything fits in how I used to think. Never knew I was such an typical Man. :) Its primary focus is explaining our differences and it does it very good. Now I know why women are not logical, and why she is upset for no reason. :)

It also gives a method for dealing with your inner issues and feelings. Stuff you might not know you have until someone points them out.
The book goes both ways, helping both men and women.

They should teach this in school!

I bought this audio because one of the Elders at my church suggested it as a good resource. After 19 years of marriage I had no idea how to listen to my wife. Now that I know, I hope I can apply it. I recommend this to ALL married couples, engaged couples, and singles. The simple principles are very insightful.

This is a book that I feel everyone in a significant relationship should read. By understanding some of the key differences between men and women, better relationships can be built with more realistic expectations and more forgiveness. When men understand why women act the way they do and why they expect certain things from men, they can more readily accept them for who they are and give reason to sometimes unreasonable seeming requests (and the same is true for women).

While most of the points in this book are fairly evident, there are a lot of insights that most people don't really think about that have big impacts on relationships. I find it somewhat refreshing to read a sometimes brutally honest books about the biological differences between men and women in this age when all the emphasis goes to strong independent women who are equal in every way to men. In fact, there are major differences in our very cores that influence the way we view others, feel emotionally, think about the world, and even our wants and needs.

I strongly recommend this book to anybody, male or female, who wants to understand what is going on in your partners head and wants to build a more trusting and understanding relationship.

It's basically a worse case scenario handbook. If you're needs aren't being met, you don't feel understood, you feel smothered or things are just intense and unhappy. It points out all the major buttons that could be setting you or your partner off and how to quit pushing them.

There are so many points that have hit home for me. It's a great relief to know his and her behavior is 'normal' and there's an explanation for it. Why men have caves, and women have wells. How our motivations in relationships are different and how to use it to our advantage. It has some great kiss and makeup techniques along with a dialogue translator.

I must say I have a love/hate relationship with this book. I've seen great benefits in my understanding of the opposite sex and relationships with them from it. Most relationships go through rocky times and this book could keep drama down to a minimum. Although, In my heart, Life has to get better than what this book describes.

John Gray also has books for more specific aspects of relationships, read this one first for a better understanding.

I'd recommend this book for singles looking to improve their relationship skills and couples that fight, have drawn battle lines, or desire meet each others needs more harmoniously.

Four out of Five for handling a topic with excellent precision, minus one for noticeable repetition.

If you're looking for a book that helps to decode some of the mysteries that separate women from men, this book is a great start. It's not really what I would call an "intellectual book," but a lot of the advice is good and very understandable. A very easy read, and I enjoyed it.

The author does seem a little full of himself, but if you ignore that, a lot of the advice is solid. I don't know how easy it would be to implement versus read, but it'll definitely be an interesting experiment!

So, I'd give the content four stars.

The formatting for Kindle gets one star.

Whoever formatted the book for Kindle did a HORRIBLE job. Most (if not all the "charts") are cut off and illegible. Since these charts are supposed to be helpful and practical examples that one can use in real life, this cuts out a good chunk of the useful advise offered by the author. Changing the direction of the text, and font sizes does not help. It almost made me want to get my money back.

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

I am an engineer who had zero insight into girls and women growing up, much less emotions later on. After a divorce and going into the dating scene, I needed serious help.

John Gray's book was the first I read cover-to-cover. The subjects were truly eye-opening and stated in a way that I understood, both from a female's viewpoint and from a guy's. I gained a vocabulary and insight which started a change in my life that existed through to today and into a strong second marriage 15 years-later.

There is a lot more that went on in my life than this book, but the book was a pivot point for a person who literally could not empathize with the other sex - I was stone cold ignorant.

To this day, I think of phrases and descriptions that Gray used to describe guys "going into their caves" or women needing to talk about problems without wanting solutions (the way a guy does). If you already understand that, maybe you don't need this book - but I sure didn't.

It even provided me critical insight into my understanding about how to relate to my daughter. To this day, I use skills that I've learned from that book when listening to or relating to my adult daughter.

I am buying this book for my 21-year old son as part of a graduating college collection of books (sort of a "Things you need in Real Life Collection") that I think will be really beneficial for him. Fortunately he reads quite a lot, provided he's interested in the topic and he has a girlfriend, so I hope this will be of interest.

I like this book a lot and I think every couple in the world should read it. It can potentially prevent a lot of arguments and screwed-up relationships, and it has all sorts of information that you never knew about the other gender, but then it all makes sense when you find out. I realized that I had done a lot of these things that really irritate the other gender, all the while thinking that I was "right" and being helpful.
One of the best aspects of this book is its explanation of men's emotional needs. We are socialized to believe that men don't have intense feelings and needs, that women are the emotional ones. But in fact men are just as emotional, perhaps moreso. They are raw *all the time* and actually quite fragile when it comes to comments that their partners make. You can NEVER criticize a man - not for anything. Even an offhand remark contributes to destroying him inside and killing his desire to please you. (They have an intense, instinctive need and drive to make you happy.) If you need to change a man's behavior, you can only do so using positive reinforcement. You must simply ignore "bad" behavior, politely encourage "good" behavior, and reinforce it with praise-type rewards. Men automatically adjust their behaviors to duplicate whatever yields a positive response from you. So they are actually very easy to train, but women constantly criticize and discourage them (for some reason, it is their first instinct to acknowledge *only* bad behavior), causing men frustration until they completely give up trying.
Women also have a strong maternal instinct, which they act on by (inadvertently) questioning/doubting men about trifles. This ties in to each gender's needs; What men need most is not "love" or "caring" as it means to women, but faith and trust. You have to build them up and show that you have confidence in their ability to do things. This is what "love" means to a man.

The only complaint I have is that his writing style is redundant. He could abridge it to include the main points and make a handbook that would be practical for everyday situations. Still highly recommended.