Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon: Not-So-Straight Answers from America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Columnist [Paperback]

Michael Alvear (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 1, 2003

If You're Looking For Warmth And Compassion About Your Sexual Worries, You Picked The Wrong Book... Yes, you'll get all your burning and why-is-it-burning questions answered, but the advice is coming from a son-of-a-bitch with a breathtaking gift for the gratuitous insult.

In these pages, you'll find medical answers to everything from how you can ejaculate farther to how you can take--ahem--more cargo on your loading dock. Alvear answers questions with the compassion of a caffeine addict out of coffee, lining up a panel of doctors and psychologists against the wall and beating the truth out of them. The result is a marriage of impeccably accurate information, politically incorrect opinion and withering sarcasm.

Because the questions come from gay men all over the country, they're like a peephole into the anxieties, concerns and worries that gay men have about sex.

Here's a sampling of what you'll learn: ... Only 6% of the population need extra-large condoms. Get over it.

... The average erect penis is 5" long and 4.8" around. Unless you're in a chat room. Then double it.

... Kegel exercises will give you harder hard-ons and more powerful orgasms. But then, so will an 18-year-old.

... 50% of men on anti-depressants experience sexual side effects.

And no, having an affair is not considered a side effect you can blame on medicine.

With buzz-saw wit, Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon will leave you laughing, howling, and knowing everything you need to know about sex.

Product Details

• Paperback: 352 pages
• Publisher: Kensington (May 1, 2003)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0758202857
• ISBN-13: 978-0758202857
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.5 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (5 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,353,147 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Michael Alvear was voted Most Loved Columnist for the last three years at his home town paper in Atlanta. This upset him greatly until he was informed that he also won Most Hated Columnist. He rallied and went on to syndicate his column, to gay newspapers across the country.

Alvear's culture critiques have also appeared in Newsweek, The New York Times, salon.com and other publications. He has also been a frequent commentator for National Public Radio's All Things Considered. He also co-hosted HBO's The Sex Inspectors, along with international best selling author, Tracey Cox.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

12 of 13 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Going Hog Wild in Bed, May 30, 2003

By 

Mindy (Houston) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon: Not-So-Straight Answers from America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Columnist (Paperback)

This book is too crude for words. I was genuinely shocked by some of the language. But that aside, you can't help but laugh at Alvear's observations of the male psyche. I like the formatting of the book: Questions are bolded; answers are not, making it easier on the eyes. Also, the questions and answers average about 400 words, making it easy on the brain.

Although it was clearly not written for women, I was fascinated with the book. Gay men not only own `the equipment' but spend most of their waking hours trying to figure out how to provide pleasure to other owners of the equipment. So it stands to reason that women have a lot to learn from gay men.

My favorite question is the only one in the book from a heterosexual man. He wanted to know if his "pretending to be gay to get chicks" was ethical. If the question doesn't hit you over the head with the way men think, Alvear's answer will: "Unethical? It's brilliant."

For gay men this book is a no-brainer buy. It's got facts (Only 6% of men need extra-large condoms) and wit ("the best way to make your partner more sexually attractive? Try the dimmer switch") galore. For women however, I'd back off unless you have a high threshold for trash talk. But then, that's the point of the book-to portray the way men REALLY talk about sex. Besides, the title is priceless.

6 of 6 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Straight Women Love This Book, August 29, 2006

By 

Carmen Matthews "The Serene Samurai" (San Diego, California) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon: Not-So-Straight Answers from America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Columnist (Paperback)

While reading "How to Get a Six-Figure Cash Advance," by Susan Harrow, I came across a one-page example of pitch letter on "Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon."

The title alone evokes such curiosity and expectation that I just had to get a copy of this book.

And this book kept me laughing and saying, "Oh really? If this is the case for gay men, I wonder about straight men."

"Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon," is a compilation of Alvear's letters and advice from his advice column, written for gay men.

He asserts that he writes this column "the way men talk about sex - brutally, with a sense of entitlement, and a breathtaking gift for the gratuitous insult."

One of the many hilarious statements that Alvear makes in this book is, "We're the only group I know that can make the pursuit of plain old dog-yard scrumping sound like some noble, spiritual quest for a better life. ... Both gay men and straight men are afraid to admit we want to have a much sex with as many people as we can. Where we diverge is in the strategies we use to cover up our inconvenient natures. Straight men pretend they don't really feel that way; gay men admit they feel that way but for righteous reasons."

I tested the interest of this topic on both straight men and straight women, by saying things like, "Have you heard of the empty toilet paper roll test?" And by reading this book in public - the yellow cover with large black letters garnered a great deal of attention.

This book intrigues the straight and the gay. Alvear says that gay men are more obsessed with their penis size than straight men. And for those who aren't sure what size "sock" to use on their penis, Alvear advices sticking it in an empty toilet paper roll - if it doesn't go over the length, the man is not extra large.

From the first page to the last, I loudly laughed, and learned a great deal about the psychological and medical issues of men (gay and straight) that despite the in-your-face language used by Alvear, this book is an excellent one for readers from age 18 and up, no matter your persuasion.

8 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars How to Crumble Men into Bacon Bits, May 30, 2003

By 

Jock (Los Angeles) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon: Not-So-Straight Answers from America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Columnist (Paperback)

The book is a collection of sex advice questions the author tackled in a nationally syndicated column. Alvear has a breathtaking gift for the gratuitous insult ("You want to know how to make your boyfriend more attractive in bed? Try the dimmer switch") but every once in a while, you see another aspect, which is surprising after a string of insulting one-liners: sensitivity. It's like there's an "inner kitten" in his "roaring lion" persona. Take this moving answer on a question about AIDS: "Life isn't worth living without sex, but sex isn't worth dying over. Every gay man lives in relationship to this suffocating contradiction. Every new HIV infection is a gong that vibrates through the gay community, reminding us of our awful dilemma."

In chapters ranging from cruising ("How to Stalk Your Prey") to [release] ("The Utter Cream: How to Milk Your Man") Alvear peppers us with humor-laced facts. Average erect size? 5.1 inches. "Unless you're in a chat room," he writes. "Then double it."

Men are Pigs is a hilarious read, but take cover if you're easily offended. If this book were a radio station the FCC would pull its license for constantly barking out the seven words you're not allowed to say on the air.