Men Who Beat the Men Who Love Them: Battered Gay Men and Domestic Violence (Haworth Gay & Lesbian Studies) [Paperback]

John Dececco Phd (Author), Patrick Letellier (Author), David Island (Author)

Book Description

ISBN-10: 0918393973 | ISBN-13: 978-0918393975 | Publication Date: October 9, 1991

Domestic violence in gay male relationships is the third largest health problem for gay men in America today. Men Who Beat the Men Who Love Them breaks the silence surrounding gay male domestic violence and exposes this hidden yet prevalent and destructive problem. The authors paint a vivid picture of gay men’s domestic violence, bringing its brutality to life by including personal narratives, written by one of the authors, by clearly defining what it is and what it is not through lists of violent acts and criminal code categories, and by thoroughly examining and analyzing the criminal, mental health, medical, political, and interpersonal issues involved. The authors boldly depart from the battered women’s literature by asserting that batterers have a diagnosable mental disorder, that battering is not gender based, and that much further criminalization of domestic violence is necessary.

Striving for victim advocacy, the book underscores the idea that gay men’s domestic violence is totally unacceptable and is caused solely by individual abusive gay men who choose to batter. The book builds on and departs from what is known about domestic violence, with the authors challenging several fundamental premises in the literature, unabashedly identifying battering as a mental disorder. The authors explain that victims cannot stop their battering partners from battering and virtually all batterers choose to harm their partners in a premeditated fashion.

The authors provide practical steps and suggestions for victims who want to leave and stay away from their violent partners and for friends who want to help battered gay men. Chapters describe the scope of the problem and refute myths and misconceptions. There are several detailed theory chapters in which the authors explain why gay men’s domestic violence occurs, who the batterers are, who the victims are at different stages of victimization, and how domestic violence can be stopped. A visionary, wide-ranging governmental and private plan of action is introduced, including lists of necessary laws and policies, as well as outlines of strong education, training, and advertising problems needed in various sectors of society. As a self-help book, Men Who Beat the Men Who Love Them provides practical information on a never-before discussed topic. As a trainer’s manual or teaching guide, it includes specific criteria for understanding the problem and for providing treatment.

Editorial Reviews

From Library Journal

Both a groundbreaking exposure of gay battering and a self-help book for gay men who face the double burden of being victims for whom there are no shelters and little sympathy.
Copyright 1994 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Product Details

• Paperback: 328 pages
• Publisher: Routledge (October 9, 1991)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0918393973
• ISBN-13: 978-0918393975
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 6.1 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 15.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (3 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #635,895 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Great Book - Very insightful, January 4, 2005

By 

Victim No More (Los Angeles, CA USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Men Who Beat the Men Who Love Them: Battered Gay Men and Domestic Violence (Haworth Gay & Lesbian Studies) (Paperback)

The reviewer from Western Australia has either not read the book or has just scanned it. The authors do not link domestic violence with mental illness on the perpetrators side, encouraging the perpetrator not to accept responsibility. In fact, they state exactly the opposite, that assault and battering is a choice batterers make, and the authors repeat this over and over, almost in every page. In addition, the authors do concentrate on the power and control issues, as main motivators for the violence. You have to admit, however, that there is nothing 'sane' about someone hitting their spouses. In fact, this is criminal behavior.
The reviewer from Western Australia makes a statement that this book reminds you issues from the '60's. This is innacurate. In the '60's there was very little, if any, mention of domestic violence both in the psychological community/trade papers and in the penal code. This book was written in the early '90's, and most research quoted is from a few years before that. In addition, the issues of social/financial control and sexual agression are reviewed and properly addressed in the appropriate context of one opressor and one victim.
The book descriptions of the whole dynamics and overall process are very accurate, and, as an ex-battered domestic violence survivor I wish I had the chance to read this book when it was hapening to me, and not after. This book gives specific actions a victim should take in order to get away from a perpetrator and very insightfully explains why some people stay in unhealthy relationships and decide that they can best cope with an agressor more by staying in the relationship than by leaving, as many of us do.
Lastly, this book helps you in identifying prospective batterers in new people you may be dating, with specific red flags to look for.
If you are reading this, you are probably a victim, batterers do not seek help unless the courts orders it, and they are not interested in reading about this because they think they are right in hurting you (and that it is their right to do so). You have to take action now, dont wait until you are hit again because, as the authors rightfully say, it will happen again, regardless of you making up or your wishful thinking or the amount of time that passed since you were last battered. This book will tell you how to get out and stay out.

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars an excellent resource, March 3, 2009

By 

T. Nechodomu (Saint Paul, MN United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Men Who Beat the Men Who Love Them: Battered Gay Men and Domestic Violence (Haworth Gay and Lesbian Studies) (Hardcover)

this book, although dated, is an excellent resource that discusses an issue in the gay community that is just short of being ignored. while domestic violence in lesbian relationships and heterosexual relationships are discussed, researched, and written about to great lengths, violence in gay men's relationships is still a taboo subject.

this book was vital in my own personal healing after leaving an abusive relationship and is a cornerstone for my current research for my master's thesis on transformative learning theory and glbt victims of domestic violence. i would highly recommend this book to anyone who is curious on the subject and would recommend it as a MUST READ for any victim who is either in the middle of their violent relationship, fighting against it, healing from it, or healed.

i look forward to the day i can add to the small (but growing) number of books and research on this vitally important topic to the gay community.

7 of 17 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars Disappointing book, November 2, 2000

By 

Trevor Norton (Scarborough, Western Australia) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Men Who Beat the Men Who Love Them: Battered Gay Men and Domestic Violence (Haworth Gay & Lesbian Studies) (Paperback)

When I first found out about this book, I wanted to read it - but found myself very disappointed. It does seems to have been written in isolation and does not reflect much of the current literature and ideas around domestic violence.

The author seems to want to link the presence of domestic violence, with mental illness or other type of 'sickness' within the perpetrator. I find this model unhelpful, as it tends to encourage the perpetrator not to accept that he is responsible for his actions, and therefore discourages his need to take responsibility and change. I believe that this philosophy is `old fashioned' and the debates around domestic violence have become much more sophisticated and complex since the 1960's.

It also concentrates more on physical assault and ignores the wider aspects of power and control - ie social, financial control, sexual assault etc. I found that his understanding of domestic violence was limited and naive.

It's one positive aspect is the fact that it `names' domestic violence in gay male relationships. Many authors are writing about violence in straight relationships, and there are a few who write about violence in lesbian relationships, however the existence of DV in gay male relationships is still in the closet. The presence of this book helps to change that.

Overall, I do not find this book to be very helpful for gay men in relationships where domestic violence is a feature.