Customer Reviews

Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother: Stories of Loss and Love

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I have two daughters adopted from China and will share this book with them as they grow up. It explains the desperation of the oppressed women of China, the intense need for a son and the social ails that exist. After reading the book, I ordered additional books so each of my daughters will eventually have one plus for several friends with children from China so their children can also develop a better understanding of the land of their birth. THIS BOOK SHOULD BE REQUIRED READING FOR ALL PEOPLE ADOPTIING FROM CHINA! It is both heartbreaking but realistic and will help anyone to know the difficulties of Chinese women, including those who are interested in international studies, women's studies, adoption, international business people and anyone with a general interest in world events.

Like the other reviewers, I am also an adoptive parent of two girls. Unlike the other reviewers, I haven't read the whole book, except for excerpt (ideally, I wish I could have given a N/A for rating, since I am not qualified as a book reviewer in this way). What I have read, I cringe. Unlike most other adoptive American parents, I am also a Chinese American and a child development psychologist, and I actually started working in Chinese orphanages to understand and improve care since our adoption.

I do not doubt the truthfulness of the author's stories. But just like the local television evening news that only shows crime, car accidents, fire, and animal abuse during the first 20 minutes of broadcast, a book focused solely on atrocities (and the most extreme at that!) may do a dis-service to China, its people, and most importantly, the girls we have adopted from there.

Like many other countries, China is evolving. In the orphanages I've been to (not as a visitor, but actually spend hours and days observing and studying care-giving and child development inside the rooms), things have improved a great deal. Throughout China, I have met dedicated parents, teachers, professionals, and government officials who worked against all odds for the abandoned children. Likewise, the flow of girls into orphanages are now mostly a thing of the past. Domestic adoption and foster care has flourished. Attitude towards girls have dramatically improved, along with the economic position and earning power of girls. (The flow of special needs children continues to be a major issue, and NGOs started by adoptive parents are helping to make a difference!) Even the orphanages have improved -- China has a higher level of care than most other countries. U.S. studies of adopted Chinese girls almost always found them to be healthier and better adjusted than children adopted from other countries. In all the travels of myself and my colleagues, we have seen over 100 orphanages. Only one or two fit the Dickensian description. Most are run by well intentioned administrators and hardworking (low-paying) caregivers.

From the excerpts I have read, I do not want to read more and cannot give this book to my girls, even after they grow up -- for the same reason that I turn off the television when news bombard us with the latest stories that bleed. Yes, my own girls' lives started on a street corner, but the world isn't all dark and cruel. I think of the mother who might have fought to spare the girl's life, who probably waited in hiding until the child was found. The strangers who found her and called the police. The doctors who labored to keep her alive (due to prematurity). I know personally the caregiver who took my baby into her arms on day 1 and helped her grow up attached and well for two years. I may be wrong to focus just on the kindness of strangers. But no more wrong than a book that seems to go out of its way to find atrocity and has largely ignored the enormous positive movement spurred by the Chinese people and the adoptive families during the last 10 years.

As a journalist expose of past atrocities, perhaps -- as a piece to tell my child about their life stories and their people and country, it is not.

We bought this book a few months ago in Hong Kong where we were delayed 6 hours before leaving to come home with our second child from China. This book put an even more clear focus on the feelings, emotions and stories of the Chinese mothers and their sacrifices on behalf of their children. It's painful to read which is why I feel it's important to read as it's so brutally honest with the experiences and emotions of what these birth families go through in the name of doing what is best for their child/ children and therefore part of the tapestry of their lives.

It makes me wish more than ever that there was a way to communicate with the birth mothers to let them know how very deeply and unconditionally their children, and they, are loved and appreciated by adoptive parents.

I am the mother of 3 from China. I received this book today and have almost finished it. Our daughters are 12, 10 and 8. Questions arise frequently about their birth families and why they did not keep them. I have always been hard pressed to answer those questions. I have thought about their birth mothers and how courageous they must have been. Never have I really thought about how so very difficult their live may have become as a result of their loss. Tonight we started to talk about what I was learning from the book. I agree with a previous reviewer, I will have additional copies available for the girls. I want them to know that it was so very difficult for the birth mother/father to have left them someplace and that this is an emotional scar that have to carry with them for the rest of their lives. What a eyeopening look into the whole scenario of abandonment, orphanages and families.

This is an extraordinary book, especially for anyone who adopts a child from China, as my husband and I did. I'm incredibly grateful to Xinran for giving us a window into the hearts and minds of Chinese women who, in one way or another, gave up their daughters. I thought I understood, at least in basic terms, the cultural, social, familial, political and financial reasons why so many Chinese girls have been abandoned (or worse). But my intellectual, abstract understanding -- crafted by works of non-fiction -- has now been replaced by a deeper, much more emotional understanding because of the painful stories shared by Xinran in this glorious book. I've always thought about my daughter's birth family, but never more so than when reading "Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother." Thanks, Xinran, for lifting the veil of secrecy at least somewhat for those of us whose daughters' earliest days remain a mystery. It's hard to find the words to fully capture the power of this book.

It is so difficult for parents from foreign cultures to understand the Chinese viewpoint in the cultural phenomena of International Chinese adoption. I have searched for years to find a book that offers a frank discussion of the reasons and attitudes surrounding abandonment in Chinese adoption.
This is not always an easy read. It is very personal and emotional, but I certainly feel that our children will someday need to understand the complex situation that exists in Chinese society.

I am Japanese women about the same age as the author. I found this book just before I took off at the Changi airport, Singapore. There were Chinese travellers everywhere in the world especially in Japan, Korea and many other Asia countries for their free vacation. It was my great question what behind the story of one-child policy in China and of course what are the fact behind "other kids" outside of their "official family members". It is so painful to read the stories, there are facts... Can't hardly believe what really happend in unknown mothers. But as human being living in this century, need to know.

Xinran's stories are beautifully written, even if they are heart wrenching. I've met many young girls adopted from orphanages in China. I'm glad that Xinran has documented part of the history of the women whose daughters were brought to these orphanages. I hope that life for women improves in China, and that mothers will have enough political and social support and the financial stability to raise their daughters in a nurturing environment.