Customer Reviews

Mirages of Marriage

5 star:		(2)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

The last generation has seen an onslaught of pop psychology "How To" and "Fix It" books on marriage. The advice rarely deviates, and the emphasis is almost always on changing (and often leaving) the spouse. "The Mirages of Marriage" is not a book for the timid, as it examines the issues that face all marriages, in cold hard detail. One finds out that others really are like "us", thus, is what we're doing so unusual? The book is a reprint from the 1968 printing, and the advice is just as valid today. It is not "politically-correct" in the least, and is dated in some places (would love an updated version!). Overlook that and understand the message, and you'll put the book down with a contended sigh of relief knowing you're not the only ones, and there is great hope for most marriages. Kudos to the authors for being so brave....

My mother read this book when it was first published in 1968 and recommended it to me when I became disillusioned by my own marriage in the early 1980's. (My mother was widowed in 1961 and had a difficult time coming to terms with the meaning of marriage and widowhood as a young mother.) It offers timeless concepts and wisdom that all spouses should study and understand and later impart to their children. Had I read this book before getting married, I may have prevented much heartache as my ex-husband and I were simply incompatible - based on how compatibility is described and defined by Lederer. I have since lost my copy, but would considering purchasing another copy for the benefit of my daughter, who is desperately trying to navigate the waters of the dating world as a young adult. Perhaps this book could help stop the cycle in our family of consistently choosing and marrying the wrong person!

The passive-aggressive subtext is an interesting study in unacknowledged sexism. They make such a big deal that "he" means "spouse", but - look here! - they use "one" where they actually mean "she". And who can trust any book that purports to study and describe problems in marriage without any discussion of domestic violence or abuse? hmm. maybe it's because those aren't common marital problems, from the perspective of MEN.
In terms of actual useful advice, here, I'll summarize: communicate your actual needs, and be honest about where they're not being met, and listen to your spouse when she does the same. That one sentence is the most helpful thing this book has to say.