Customer Reviews

Miss America by Day

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When I started reading this book I couldn't put it down. It is so well written I felt as if I was with Marilyn.

We hear of the "hero journey" that people undergo. Marilyn's life experience with such a horrendous horror that can afflict a human being is a heroine's journey - a victory of the human spirit over the worst of circumstances.

We often hear of a tragic incident in a person's life that is difficult to overcome, but to emerge from such a prolonged period of suffering during a child's most critical developmental years, suffering undergone within what was reputed to be our culture's definition of a "good family," has resulted in one of the most important autobiographies of our time.

Marilyn's triumph over her life circumstances speaks not only to the possibility of healing from incest, but reading this book outlines spiritual and psychological strategies for the deepest pain any reader may be suffering. I have given this book as a gift, sometimes to people who were fortunate enough to have not been violated by incest, and it helped them overcome other abuses in their lives which were festering for years.

Marilyn's courage and belief in herself "no matter what," her trust in her instincts, however much those instincts were interfered with in her developmental years, extend to the reader as does her courage, self-esteem and dignity. One can feel that her heart's intention in writing this book is to give the strength and courage to others that she somehow managed to summon from within herself. That sense of heart and reinforcement are among the gifts this book gives. Through her wisdom of experience, one finds an ally, a friend to help them traverse the flood waters of the worst, most terrifying of human experiences.

It was clear to me that Marilyn's revelation of her life story was not a "tell all" for personal recognition, but a labor of the heart to reach and help so many others suffering this silent, secret terror. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't benefit from this book in some deep, fundamental way.

In this amazingly honest book, Van Derbur tells the story of how she grew up in a family that seemed perfect on the outside but which was harboring an ugly secret: Starting when she was just a child of five, she was sexually abused by her father until she turned 18. The devastation and shame of incest, which Van Derbur repressed for many years, stayed with her through adulthood. This remarkable book tells of the night child who suffered at the hands of her father-and the day child who was happy and outgoing.

She also covers all-important tips on how people can protect their own children from sexual predators. This book should be required reading for every parent, teacher, judge, clergyman, and incest survivor.

One of the best books I've read in a long time, and a must read for anyone who has ever been sexually abused as a child or for anyone involved in the counseling of people who have undergone this horror. I have only one question. I would like to know why Oak Hill Ridge Press, the publisher of this book, has limited it's availability to the state of Colorado and to online purchase? The jacket of the book states how Marilyn Van Derbur "has devoted much of her adult life to raising national awareness and understanding of sexual abuse and its long-term effects." So why would a book like this which is worth its weight in gold only be available in bookstores in one state in the United State? That's bizarre. Inter-library loan taps into 3000 libraries across the country and in that system there are only 4 copies of this book. Three of those are in Colorado and one is in Nebraska. I was told here in Florida by B. Dalton books that it is because the book is considered Denver history. I read the book and it has little to do with Denver history--it is the beautifully and courageously written biography of a survivor of incest.

Review of Miss America By Day: Lessons Learned from Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love by Marilyn Van Derbur, Oak Hill Ridge Press, Denver, CO: 2003. ISBN: 0-9728-298-4-9, Autobiography/Abuse

Marilyn Van Derbur, a native of Colorado, is one of four daughters of a prominent Denver businessman (he is deceased). Her father was on numerous boards and committees, was honored with buildings named for him, and was president of "all the college fraternities in America." Both parents were active volunteers, donating time and money to culture and civic organizations. Marilyn's mother would often state that she had the "perfect marriage" and Marilyn was told that she was "blessed by being born into a perfect family." Marilyn's life appeared to be perfect, as depicted by the smiles in the pictures she shares throughout the book. Marilyn was crowned Miss America while she was attending the University of Colorado in 1958. When she graduated (with honors) Marilyn was a guest host on Candid Camera and a panelist on To Tell the Truth, as well as in commercials. She also waved to the public while in the Cotton Bowl and Thanksgiving Parades. She chose motivational speaking as her career, and was named the "Outstanding Woman Speaker in America" and was inducted to the "Colorado Woman's Hall of Fame." Indeed, anyone reading her story might experience a twinge of envy for all the fame and fortune that seemed to come to her so easily and effortlessly.

Except...Marilyn suffered from physical symptoms including insomnia, tics, ulcers, and panic attacks. When her body and mind rebelled against the constant travel, she experienced full body paralysis, yet doctors found no organic cause. What else might Marilyn be rebelling against? She had to search her mind and spirit to find the answers.

One of Marilyn's earliest memories is of her mother reading the Bible before bed. Another of Marilyn's earliest memories is of her father entering his daughter's bed after dark. What came next was repressed for decades until Marilyn realized that her father had committed incest from the time she was five until eighteen, an estimated six hundred times. All the while, her mother knew. Marilyn shares her split between the "night child" victim in contrast to the "day child" over-achiever. The physical symptoms she had endured were a manifestation of the connection between child sexual abuse and adult ailments.

Marilyn writes, "I had never prayed. I didn't want a more powerful father and I knew, deep inside, that the Father my mother was praying to when I was a child wasn't protecting me." However, when her story went public via the Denver media and People magazine, she asked of a Higher Power: "I want to help...If you show me the way ...I will do whatever you ask me to do." Thus began the next chapter of Marilyn's life. She writes that it is "my mission to educate judges, doctors, nurses, lawyers, teachers, therapists, and especially parents" about child sexual abuse. Not only does she educate with this book and her speeches, she also helps victims become survivors by sharing her healing journey. Throughout the book, Marilyn also shares with the reader her relationships with her husband and daughter, and the reader relishes in the emotional relief their unconditional love offers Marilyn. Ultimately, Marilyn manages to find peace.

I would recommend this book as an astonishing story and educational tool regarding child abuse and sexual assault.

review by Lynn C. Tolson

I, now, call this book my "peace". It has helped me ten-fold understand and begin healing my mind, body and spirit. It is a must read for those who are survivors and for those who are friends and family of those who are survivors. It helps me understand that what I have gone through, does not constitute "crazy" but rather what is to be expected of the experience. I would recommend this book for any and everyone who wants to truly understand.

Miss America By Day is the powerful autobiography of Marilyn Van Derbur, a woman who, once crowned Miss America, was finally at age 53 able to say to the public, "I am an incest survivor." Sexually abused by her father from age 5 to 18, the scars of her maltreatment haunted her for years; Marilyn Van Derbur's personal story is one of seeking peace, working hard to achieve lasting love, and cautioning society against the depredations of the most vile types of human predators. Miss America By Day is a highly recommended addition to Women's Studies, Human Sexuality Studies, and Contemporary American Biography reading lists and library collections.

It is hard to find books that relate the emotional truth of sexual abuse, not only from the victim's point of view, but from all points of view. I am not a victim of sexual abuse per se but I have seen the eye of a perpetrator - a man exposed himself to me when I was 9. I am, however, very close to a woman who was abused as a child by a family friend. And, I am now processing the knowledge of an assault that happened between 2 families to whom I am close to. It is incredibly difficult to understand this kind of criminal behavior, and I wasn't raised in the greatest family. It is also difficult to understand the effects of sexual abuse. Thanks to Marilyn Van Derbur, I am able to get a better handle on these very complicated issues. And, more importantly, her description of herself almost parallels the description of someone else close to me who I once believed was simply "abused" in her childhood but, after reading this book, now believe that she may also be the victim of incest. It changed my mind about her obvious pain and odd behavior.

So, I do recommend this book to anyone who has come in contact with a victim of sexual abuse. It will make you think and it will help you understand a great deal more about this very difficult topic.

I am contributing this book to our local library. I was surprised it was not already there.

If you have been a victim of sexual abuse, the contents of this book will point you in the direction of healing & closure...Even if you have not been a victim of abuse, this will open your eyes to what could be going on behind closed doors & give you the insight to help & perhaps rescue someone...

This is the best book about incest, surviving, truth, honesty, and healing that i have EVER picked up and read. I read it all in 3 days, and then proceeded to read it again another 3 times. There are certain chapters that I read and skip the rest. She is strong on her views, but more so, strong in herself. It is my hope that everyone will have a copy of this book on their shelf in time. It is a must read book even if you are not a survivor. It will teach you warning signs, how to talk to other survivors, how to talk with children. This book was carefully and honestly written. I wish there were a hundered more out there like this!

My mom was a victim of incest and it affected every aspect of her life. She didn't reveal the incest until shortly before she died. I never had an opportunity to talk to her about it. This book helped me to see what my mom lived with and is helping me come to terms with what the years of secrecy did to her life, as well as to my own.