Miss Manners' Basic Training: The Right Thing to Say [Hardcover]

Judith Martin (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: April 20, 1998

Miss Manners hereby declares that "You look terrific -- did you have a facelift?" is not an acceptable compliment. For this and the other myriad rudeness that nowadays pass for consolation, congratulation and other forms of verbal communication, Miss Manners provides politely pointed comebacks, as well as the gracious and proper thing to say in any situation.

Miss Manners feels compelled to do so because saying the wrong thing -- whether in the name of originality, self-expression, honesty or instant empathy -- has become all too common:

To a Bereaved Person:
"You must realize it's all for the best."

To a Newly Engaged Person:
"Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

To a Pregnant Woman:
"You can still do something about it, you know."

The Right Thing to Say is a refresher course in etiquette as a second language, filled with the practical advice and sly humor that make Miss Manners such "good wicked fun, and helpful too" (Cosmopolitan). Including useful phrases for dealing with life's special occasions and mishaps, The Right Thing to Say explores the subtleties of saying "no," conducting a conversation without causing offense and the art of the apology when you do anyway.

Editorial Reviews

From Library Journal

Martin points out that "polite conventions have been ignored so long that even kindly disposed people no longer know what they are." Never fear. Martin, a.k.a. Miss Manners, is on hand to supply the appropriate comments for every situation. The art of the polite nuance?how to say "none of your business" or "quit bullying me" with grace?would be lost if it were not for this delightful author's tenth book. Viva Miss Manners! Highly recommended for public libraries.
-?Susan B. Hagloch, Tuscarawas Cty. P.L., New Philadelphia, Ohio
Copyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Booklist

The conceit of "basic training" --Martin has previously put out books on eating and electronic communication under that boot-camp heading--indicates how far she believes manners have fallen. The culpable trend in conversational manners, her topic here, is the tendency for the etiquette-challenged to emote, to be honest, to be original. Where once one answered the pleasantry, "How are you?" with, "Fine, thank-you," modern custom threatens the inquirer with a soul-baring soliloquy on the interrogatee's exact state of mind. Miss Manners deplores this. She prefers euphemism and conventional phrases, and in this, as in her previous books, she issues rulings in response to letters she receives. The gaffes and embarrassments her correspondents record are entirely avoidable, Miss Manners assures them, if only they would keep a few rules in mind: say every baby is beautiful, confine commiseration to an "I'm so sorry," say no nicely, and don't talk about politics, religion, and grandmother's failing health. Like an interpreter in a foreign country, she even provides the phrase book, in the form of boldface replies to conceal the bold-faced lies that we need in order to extricate ourselves from potential crises. To a friend who is marrying an unsuitable partner, "Congratulations," not "Don't do it!" is the right thing to say. Martin is an amusingly sardonic arbiter, and her manual should be popular. Gilbert Taylor

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 192 pages
• Publisher: Crown; 1 edition (April 20, 1998)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0609600516
• ISBN-13: 978-0609600511
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.5 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 11.5 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 3.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (13 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #488,008 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

52 of 56 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars For those who find manners and civility "sickening" . . ., December 9, 1999

By 

John S. Ryan "Scott Ryan" (Cuyahoga Falls, OH) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Miss Manners' Basic Training: The Right Thing to Say (Hardcover)

. . . Miss Manners, a.k.a. Judith Martin, is the cure for the more fundamental illness of which those feelings are symptomatic.

Young people do sometimes think they are being "idealistic" in holding that there is something phony and delusive about etiquette. (One is tempted to imagine them with battered and dog-eared copies of J.D. Salinger's _The Catcher In The Rye_ stuffed into their back pockets.)

Unfortunately they could not be more mistaken. Civility and politeness (which derive respectively from the Latin and Greek words for "society") are absolutely necessary in order for human beings to live together with a minimum of social friction; there is nothing whatsoever "idealistic" about supposing we can dispense with them. On the contrary, this supposition will probably, in practice, defeat every ideal you hold.

Again, the best cure for this disease is to read Miss Manners herself on the subject. Those who have not read her books may not realize that in her hands, etiquette is _not_ a completely dreary affair involving nothing but superficial mannerisms and polite phrases. But it will take only a few pages for even the skeptical reader to realize that etiquette is simply the conventional means by which we maintain, and convey, genuine respect for one another as human beings.

25 of 25 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Manners and wit combined for your reading pleasure., October 7, 1998

By A Customer

This review is from: Miss Manners' Basic Training: The Right Thing to Say (Hardcover)

As time has gone by, Miss Manners has been a one-woman navy fighting the rising tide of rude behavior. I've enjoyed all of Judith Martin's previous books on manners and this one continues the tradition.

This brief, yet entertaining book explains why manners are vital and how to clearly express yourself to individuals and groups. She points out how 'inventing' your own set of manners can have exactly the opposite effect that you desire. She is also careful to explain the adverse effects of lack of manners.

This book contains many examples of what to say in most social situations. For example: have you ever had the urge, when someone dies, to tell a survivor, "It's all for the best?". Miss Manners explains how that remark could burn you for life. And there's plenty more examples just as important.

Read this book, and take its information to heart, and you will avoid many potentially embarrassing situations. Both you and those around you will be glad you did.

42 of 48 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Think before you speak, September 29, 2000

By 

Mary P. Campbell "math geek" (Flushing, NY USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Miss Manners' Basic Training: The Right Thing to Say (Hardcover)

Yes, this book is absolutely unnecessary for those who understand the principles of consideration and tact (which follows from consideration, actually). I don't know when honesty seemed to have become the principal virtue of life -- many people seem to think that the "honest" bit of "brutally honest" outweighs the "brutal" part.

Guess what. It doesn't. And Miss Manners tells you why.

This slim volume would probably not stop the tactless person from informing a young, grieving widow, at her husband's funeral, that her mother-in-law must feel this more deeply than her, for the death of a child is worse than the death of a spouse. Any person who thought for a moment would realize this is an extremely thoughtless thing to say. However, this may come in handy for the parent who is trying to come up with arguments for =why= their teenagers shouldn't say certain things. And it's definitely helpful for the people who are trying to be polite in the face of unbelievable rudeness (like the event I mentioned above.)

Miss Manners can be extremely cutting to those who deserve it -- those so self-centered that they care not what effects their words will have on others.