Customer Reviews

Mixed Blessings: Overcoming the Stumbling BLocks in an Interfaith Marriage

5 star:		(3)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(6)

 

 

Paul and Rachel Cowan would have made this book a little less confusing if they had stated their biases more clearly at the beginning of the book. I was looking for a supportive book about negotiating the ins and outs of interfaith relationships. Instead, I found this book's tone to be somewhat disapproving. The Cowan's message seems to be: "If you're going to get into an interfaith relationship, it will be an struggle each and every day. In order to make the relationship work and do the right thing, the Christian partner should subvert his/her identity as much as possible."

The Cowans do a terrific job of describing the larger forces at work: Jewish history, sociological pressures, family dynamics. And the book did help me deepen my understanding of the competing pressures that my Jewish partner faces. Truly, it was worth reading for that alone. But ultimately, it left me feeling as though my perspective and needs as the (marginally) Christian partner are less valid.

Love exists within the framework of history, between members of groups who have at times been the oppressed or the oppressor. But it also exists between two individuals, whose intentions can be honest, pure, and full of deep concern about the survival of the Jewish people. To reduce that love to a sociological trend (or mere curiosity about the "exotic other," which they do repeatedly) and to put one partner's concerns so far above the other's, did me a painful disservice.

Don't buy this book unless you are a Christian planning on converting. The authors really don't give a balanced view since the wife converted to Judiasm. A better title for the book would be "The sooner you convert the better." I would recommend books from Dovetail publishers if you want to be truly helped in this serious and emotionaly involved topic.

While I appreciate the thoroughness with which the Cowans present and explore the very real complications that can arise from an interfaith marriage, I was disappointed by the clear one-sidedness of their discussion. In particular, I found their descriptions of the religious lives and heritages of the Christian partners they cite to be an unfair and unflattering charicature of the richness that Christianity can bring to a household. Almost without exception, the Cowans refer to people whose Christian upbringing was at best uninspiring, at worst, oppressive. Due to this bias, I found their book to be only marginally useful in any attempt to find a way to embrace both the Jewish and Christian traditions and to discover paths by which interfaith couples might support each other in a spirit of mutual respect. This book has a clear agenda: to convert the Christian partner to Judaism. If dialogue and open-mindedness are what you seek, I suggest you check out The Interfaith Family Guide Book from Dovetail Publishing. In this generation, Jews and Christians who love each other are, I think, seeking alternatives to the exclusivism of the past. Help and counsel are available. I'm afraid, however, that Mixed Blessings is not the best place to find it.

This book was full of biases and faulty assumptions. I am sorry that I wasted my time and money on it. As other reviewers have remarked, the Cowans (the Christian wife of whom converted to her husband's faith) clearly have an agenda- to convince non-Jews that they must convert to their partner's faith and to convince Jews that if their gentile partner won't give in and stop being so goyish, the marriage is doomed. Bull hockey, I say! And I know whereof I speak, being the gentile partner in a long-term interfaith relationship, with a partner whose parents are Jewish and Christian too, successfully married for 30 years!

One assumption the Cowans make is that there are two types of people- Jews and Christians. Based on this assumption, they go on for pages about the history of Christians persecuting Jews and completely ignore the fact that there is more than one combination possible for an intermarriage. I am a gentile, but not a Christian, and in my acquaintance there is a Jewish/Buddhist couple, a Jewish/Wiccan couple and many other such pairs. This oversight made the book even less useful than it was to begin with.

There were several passages in the book that were so mean and insensitive that they almost made me cry! For instance, the way in one of their seminars they allow the Jewish participants to berate a Christian woman endlessly for wanting a Christmas tree (and she came from a broken home where Christmas was the only happy time!). There is much on how she must be sensitive to her husband's feelings about Christian persecution/being a minority, but what about her? She has feelings too, as do all us other gentiles in intermarriages! Eventually she was pressured into not only giving up the tree but also converting.

I mean no disrespect to those who choose to convert- I considered the same at one point. But I do object to books such as this one which is blatantly insensitive and mean to Christian partners. I would be just as mad if it was this cruel to Jewish partners, because marriages should be based on kindness, fairness, and honesty, not coercion, guilt, and cruelty!

Yes at times this book was hard to read since I am a Catholic getting married to someone of the Jewish faith, but I still feel this book is very relevant to modern interfaith couples even though it appears many of the other reviewers only want to throw their edition on this years Christmas yuletide log soon to be burning in their fireplace. I have every intension of keeping my faith as well as my fiancée keeping hers, but the reality remains that people with the Jewish faith have a much deeper idea of what it means to be Jewish and this book does a great job at conveying that.

I have read a handful of books on interfaith marriages and the reality is the decision a couple takes on their faith is a deeply personal and subjective one. This book does present an uncensored perspective, and yes at times appears to have a Jewish agenda, on issues that exist within interfaith marriages and might exist later within children of interfaith marriages that many people do not like to think about. Obviously some of the subject matter within the book was hard for people, including myself, to appreciate and to address, but there are definitely things a couple can pull out of this book and talk among themselves before "time bombs" explode in their relationship. I must also say I felt that the book was very well written, but the historical narrative on interfaith marriages did get a bit dull at times. All around I got a good deal out of this book even though I did not agree with everything written in it.

I hesitated to read this book because it was published in '89. I wish I wouldn't have waited. Many reviewers have felt there was a strong bias, however I felt that they were clearly writing from their experience working with other interfaith couple. And, the truth is that if you are totally immersed in your religion you would not have chosen a partner of another faith. The Cowan's also state that because they chose a Jewish home their view point is a bit skewed.

The topics discussed in this book are meant to make couples aware of the possible stumbling blocks that could occur. (Note the title) My husband and I celebrate our differences, but it is always great to be aware of possible problems before they happen. A must read for any Jewish/christian home.

If you are in an interfaith relationship, or you know someone who is, BUY THIS BOOK. The Cowans write from the perspective of a couple that has been there, and offers objective case studies and sensible advice on avoiding the "time bombs" inherent in these relationships.

The book is very informative, as the authors describe their personal experiences with interfaith relationships. They were themselves an interfaith couple and they recount how they dealt with the problems that eventually arose in their relationship and how they came to work with other couples in the same situation. Great interviews with other couples and with children of interfaith relationship describing their own experiences. Definitely a MUST READ!!

Before I had even finished the second chapter, I was forced to examine the nature of my Jewishness, what it means to me, what role it plays in my life, and what role I wanted it to play. I didn't want to put the book down! I couldn't wait to see what further revelations were in store for me. Mixed Blessings provides a context in which couples can explore their deeply-ingrained beliefs and attitudes. In this way, it can help people in interfaith relationships to determine their own cultural, spiritual, and religious identities, and to better understand the complex origins of their conflict.

This book allows someone to become very sensitive to the differences between Jews and Christians. As well it helps the reader understand why some people behave the way they do..most importantly what is motivating people's behavior. I felt so informed after I finished Mixed Blessings. A definite "must" for anyone in an Jewish/Christian relationship as well as their family members.