Mixed Matches: How to Create Successful Interracial, Interethnic, and Interfaith Relationships [Paperback]

Joel Crohn (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: February 7, 1995

Mixed matches are more complicated relationships than those between people from similar backgrounds. Often, the very qualities that attracted us to our partners ultimately lie at the roots of our most difficult problems. For even when partners don't feel a strong identification with their racial, religious, or cultural groups, they discover that their loyalty to the past goes deeper than they realized. Psychotherapist Joel Crohn has learned in years of counseling couples in cross-cultural relationships that how partners negotiate their cultural and religious differences is as important as what the difference are.

Over time, the reserve of a Protestant wife can seem like emotional withholding to her Jewish husband, whose openness seems intrusive to her. An Asian father may feel his children need more discipline, while his American wife thinks they have it harder than she did. A black Trinidadian man is excited about the opportunities in the United States, while his Detroit-born black girlfriend thinks he's naive about racism. The methods in Mixed Matches have helped these and many other couples approach each other compassionately, teaching them to "translate" their different styles of expression and negotiate successful resolutions. Dr. Crohn also offers practical advice on how couples can confront prejudice and stereotypes, deal with in-laws, and help children achieve a sense of identity in a bicultural family.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

According to psychotherapist Crohn, 21% of Catholics and 32% of Jews now live in interfaith households, while marriages between blacks and whites more than tripled between 1970 and 1991. In his sensitive, smart treatment of this timely topic, Crohn draws on nearly 14 years of research into how mixed couples deal with each other, with their children, with their families and with society. Most of the book is devoted to interactions within a couple, starting with bad reasons for a mixed match (e.g., stereotypes of the compliant Asian woman; rebellion against parents) and moving on to cultural differences in modes of communication, in the importance of family, in the role of women. Drawing on numerous examples, Crohn argues that even when the couple is comfortable with their religious choices (an atheist couple of Protestant and Jewish upbringings, or a Catholic Irish-Mexican couple), divergent cultural histories cannot be ignored?particularly when that couple has children. And if upbringing doesn't raise questions about diverse backgrounds, children often force the issue, asking questions as they try to pinpoint their identities and their place within both family and society. Through exercises, Crohn helps couples examine their cultural baggage, and through examples, he offers models on how to deal with conflict. The one weakness is that while many of Crohn's examples include a reserved partner or one who considers the past a closed subject, the exercises rely on both partners participating equally. Author tour.
Copyright 1995 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal

In a largely unnoticed revolution, millions of people are now defying taboos and forming intimate relationships with partners from other cultural, religious, and racial backgrounds. Here psychotherapist Crohn leads such people on a quest to answer the questions: "Should we practice two religions or one?"; "Which holidays should we celebrate?"; and "Should our children's names reflect their heritage?" In addition to the social and familial conflicts, Crohn also discusses culturally based conflicts that may too easily be understood merely as irreconcilable personality differences. He goes on to describe methods for helping couples resolve the problems that arise from varying world views. Various exercises, in-depth questionnaires, and sample dialogue allow the reader to learn by observing how other couples and families have built bridges across their differences. An exhaustive "resource" section, including support groups, books for young adults, and bibliographies, concludes the book. Crohn's attempt to address the problems of a broad spectrum of "inter-" marriages will make this an appropriate book for librarians to recommend widely. Recommended for all public libraries.
Marty D. Evensvold, Magnolia P.L., Tex.
Copyright 1995 Reed Business Information, Inc.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 352 pages
• Publisher: Ballantine Books; 1 edition (February 7, 1995)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0449909611
• ISBN-13: 978-0449909614
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.5 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 10.9 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (8 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #175,007 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

23 of 23 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Thoughtful insights on difficult issues in a mixed marriage, May 24, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Mixed Matches: How to Create Successful Interracial, Interethnic, and Interfaith Relationships (Paperback)

Crohn's book gets you started thinking about the issues that are amplified even more in a inter-ethnic, interracial, inter-religious marriage: dealing with in-laws, hidden expectations, raising children in a cross cultural environment and instilling a sense of identity in them. I recomend it highly. The sooner you read the book, the more time you have to deal with these issues. Besides, it is comforting to know you are not the only couple dealing with these issues :)

27 of 28 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars An in-depth look at interfaith and interethnic relationships, April 10, 2002

By A Customer

This review is from: Mixed Matches: How to Create Successful Interracial, Interethnic, and Interfaith Relationships (Paperback)

If you're looking for quick practical advice on meeting your partner's parents or what to wear to an Indian wedding, try the "Complete Idiot's Guide to Interfaith Relationships." But if you're looking for a deeper, more thoughtful discussion of the complexities of "mixed matches," especially their impact on the family and children, this book is for you. It delves into a very astute exploration of the motivations and attractions behind interfaith/interethnic/interracial relationships, and it thoroughly explores the difficulties involved in negotiating differences as they impact the partnership and the family. The discussion on raising children in "mixed" households is particularly enlightening. This book is heavy on the pyschology, which might be a turn-off to some, but it definitely gets the reader thinking about complex underlying issues.

36 of 39 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars A useful book, December 23, 1999

By 

John Peter O'connor - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Mixed Matches: How to Create Successful Interracial, Interethnic, and Interfaith Relationships (Paperback)

The author considers many aspects of "Mixed Matches" covering how we feel about and deal with ourselves, our partners, family, friends, strangers and finally our children.

The approach is mostly to quote annecdotal material from situations that illustrate the point the the author wishes to make. These are then followed by his personal, rather "folksy" advice.

The style will not appeal to all readers and especially, it may not be so effective at helping a relationship once problems have become entrenched.

However, as a book to read before this happens, it is very useful. I'd stronlgy recommend it to anyone in the early stages of a mixed relationship. It will prepare you for some of the trials ahead and you will be much better equipped to deal with them.