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Mom, I Hate You! Children's Provocative Communication: What It Means and What to Do About It Paperback – April 22, 2003

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 256 pages
  • Publisher: Three Rivers Press; 1 edition (April 22, 2003)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0609808567
  • ISBN-13: 978-0609808566
  • Product Dimensions: 8 x 5.1 x 0.6 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 6.9 ounces
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (4 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,490,558 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From Booklist

Fleming, a child psychotherapist, explains the meaning behind the terrible, often hurtful, and sometimes embarrassing remarks that come out of children's mouths. What parents often interpret as defiant and disrespectful comments are a necessary part of development, according to Fleming. He offers advice on how to decode what children are saying and how to react in productive ways rather than getting angry and escalating the war of words. Beginning with the truculent and emphatic no uttered by very young children through the more provocative and sassy comments and behavior of adolescents, Fleming explains the emotions behind the temperamental speech and behavior. Using vignettes and case histories, Fleming illustrates the typical behavior of children and their parents' reactions, explains the underlying issues, and offers alternative scenarios for how parents can react to everything from preschool hitting to sibling rivalry. He also examines how the media affects children's behavior and how parents can monitor and limit negative influences. A good title for the parenting shelf. Vanessa Bush
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

From the Inside Flap

?You Can?t Make Me!? ?You?re Stupid!? ?I Wish You Were Dead.?

From embarrassing public displays of defiance and snide remarks at the dinner table to shocking outbursts of hate and anger, children often communicate in ways that push the notion of freedom of expression way beyond acceptable boundaries. In Mom, I Hate You!, respected psychotherapist Don Fleming demonstrates that such behavior is a natural, necessary part of growing up and offers parents effective strategies for responding to provocative statements and establishing meaningful, mutually satisfying parent-child communications.
Dr. Fleming takes parents through these tactics step by step, including:

? Decoding the meaning behind children?s words
? Responding to the meaning, not the words
? Strategies for change?incentives and consequences
? Provocative communication and sibling rivalry
? Line-by-line examples

Dr. Fleming explains how to decode the emotional message behind a child?s seemingly rude, mean-spirited, or disrespectful words and helps parents evaluate their own habitual, often counterproductive reactions to specific situations and behavior patterns. Using realistic examples, he shows that parents can reduce antagonizing and aggressive confrontations while teaching their kids to express their emotions freely and honestly.

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5 of 5 people found the following review helpful By Kathryn Glasgow Stern on December 11, 2003
Format: Paperback
My copy of "Mom, I hate You!" is dog-eared and underlined, the cover limp from being shoved into my purse on the way to My Gym and carpool. Even if your child does not communicate in a provocative way, I guarantee you there will be much to glean from this insightful, intelligent, highly readable book. Dr. Fleming is brilliant, and in an immensely enjoyable and helpful manner, he lays out a simple guide to enhance communcation between parents and children. I have read many books on child-rearing, but this book is the best. It's fun and fast to read, and the suggestions are laid out in a simple, easy to comprehend (and, most importantly, easy to remember fashion.) Best of all, at the end of each chapter, Dr. Fleming provides a summary to remind you of the main steps you need to take to increase effective communication. This guide alone is worth the price of the book because if you're an impossibly busy parent who falls into bed at night as I do you just don't have TIME to read all the helpful parenting books out there(wonderful as many of them may be). I have learned so much from this book but what has helped me the most is the chapter on your child's style and temperament. Dr. Fleming outlines several basic styles and you will be amazed to find how accurately your child will fit into one (or a few) of them. In one day, I found myself responding to each of my children with far more empathy and found our conflicts reduced by a huge percent! Equally important, Dr. Fleming outlines parents' basic styles and temperaments and suggests that we as parents examine our own
personalities to better understand how we interact--in positive and negative ways--with our children.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful By Robert Cutrow Ph.D. on August 14, 2003
Format: Paperback
Dr. Fleming's book, "Mom,I Hate You" is a practical, easily understandable guide to dealing with your child's words and behaviors. I would highly recommend this book to my clients and friends.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful By Momto3 on October 18, 2007
Format: Paperback
This book is an easy read with lots of helpful information and tips on how to improve your relationship with your provocative child.

However, the tips the good doctor gives on consequences made me cringe! He suggest punishments like taking away a favorite toy or insisting on an earlier bedtime. These "consequences" are not connected to the "crime" and therefore really not helpful in terms of helping a child to change.

I recommend "There's gotta be a better way" by Becky Bailey for a guide to effective discipline.
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2 of 3 people found the following review helpful By a on July 25, 2005
Format: Paperback
Please don't let my title distract you, this is an incredibly informative and helpful book, but I would like to address two issues I have personally with it.
First, I don't buy that all the evil things children sometimes say are innocuous. Yes, telling g-ma she smells is innocent enough, but my experience is that when my daughter told me she hated me, at least partly, she meant it. To just shrug the comments off and to get at the "root causes" as the author suggests would be highly myopic. Again, for many the comments may not be as mean-spirited as I thought they were.
My second minor quibble with this great book would be that the suggestions he provides are really best for married (or divorced and civil to each other) parents. Oh sure, he instructs the separated parents to "get on the same page", but that is not always possible, so for divorced people there may be better tomes.
One more point prior to the actual review, I greatly admire that the author takes on his critics directly and forcefully. More on the critics later...
Initially when my daughter started saying things entirely inappropriate or mean, I assumed she learned them from an aspiring gangsta (loves thugs 50 cent, Eminem, etc. and yes they are talented) friend who is slightly older. My imploring her that talking like that was wrong and that she would be grounded was not working. Finally, when not getting her way one day, she said, "I hate you."
I completely lost it. I didn't get incredibly angry, rather, I became quite despondent. I told my ex about it and suggested her comments about me were contributing to the problem. She disagreed, and said basically that it was my fault/problem. Like any parent would I'm sure, I was very upset about the drastic decline in our relationship.
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