Customer Reviews

"Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me!": The Solution to Sibling Bickering

5 star:		(4)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

If you really want to change the way your kids act torwards each other, read this book.
Its advice IS somewhat counter-intuitive. For example Dr. Wolf explains why if your daughter Sally is sitting on her brother's back slugging him (but not really harming him) you should NEVER say: "Hey Sally stop it".

He points out that it is just as effective to say: "Hey, the TWO of you, cut that out." He shows why this statement is much less likely to lead to the annoying protestations that Sally would otherwise make (like "he hit me first.") And how not "taking sides" will significantly reduce sibling fighting.

We have always used Dr. Wolf's methods with our kids (they are explained in less detail in his other books.) A friend recently asked me how come my kids got along so much better than hers. I suggested she read this book. She called me two weeks later to say that the book had changed her whole family's life.

Oh, and its also VERY, VERY Funny!

I just read this book and was actually sorry to get to the end. Like it was a great novel or something! I can't wait to try this with my kids. I have three boys, two of whom are close in age. They are pretty well-behaved in most areas but the fighting is constant and often physical. It is bad enough that I prefer to split them up when we need babysitters so that my family and friends don't have to deal with it.

I have been trying to follow "Siblings Without Rivalry" but have trouble coming up with the right things to say. This method sounds a lot less complicated and easy to implement.

As for the language - I find it amusing that a person can open a book, look at a few pages and decide that the author has no morals. If this person had actually READ the book, they might have noticed that there is a lot said about raising your children with solid values and integrity. The only problem I really have with him using the "f" word is that it turns off people who could really use this book. I don't allow my kids to speak like that but don't see why the author using it to show how some kids act is a big deal. I cringed when I read it because I knew that, like The Catcher in the Rye, many people would ignore the other thousands of words in the book and focus on only that one.

Maybe it is the author's litmus test - if you're so judgmental that you would discount an entire method of child-rearing without even looking into it based on one word the author uses in dialogue in the book (he uses it in quotes when one person is speaking to another), then maybe he doesn't think you could use the method properly since most of it is about being a non-judging adult. Hmmm?

From the first page of the book, you'll find practical tips to cut down the bickering among siblings. My favorite tip was learning not to even say my children's names when they're bickering and just say "the two of you - that's enough". I appreciate the explanations for why it's important to let them work things out whenever you can tolerate the bickering and no one is being seriously hurt. He also explains the differences between a sibling telling a child they're "smelly and stupid" and a classmate... and why it means you might not have to interfere at that moment when siblings say mean things like that to eachother.

This is a great companion book to my favorite sibling book, "Siblings without Rivalry". They're both worth having. Read them, apply them, and get ready for more peace and quiet!

I got this book a few weeks ago, read it immediately (it's a quick read), and started using Dr. Wolf's advice with my two elementary aged kids. His advice is right-on. Here's what I like about his approach:

1. It's simple. You don't have to remember exactly what to say or use precise techniques. You just have to remember the philosophy: be loving but don't get involved in the fights.
2. It's kind. I really dislike parenting books that recommend that you be detached or unpleasant with your kids. Although Dr. Wolf recommends not getting involved in fights, he does recommend offering love and sympathy when the kids feel upset.
3. My kids love it. My older child actually told me that he's relieved that I refuse to take sides any more. He said that I was wrong about who's fault things were "at least 50% of the time."
4. Not getting involved in other people's fights is a good moral value to role-model for the kids.
5. I feel less exhausted when the kids fight. I don't feel a responsibility to be involved--and so I don't feel irritated with them. When the bickering itself becomes irritating, I follow Wolf's advice and separate them.
6. The kids are fighting a lot less! Knowing that they will have to work out their own disagreements has made them more likely to compromise before a fight begins.
7. When they do fight, they make up much faster. The emotional impact of bickering is less when a parent isn't called in to judge right or wrong, good or bad, and punishment or reprieve.
8. My younger child is learning to stand up for herself.
9. My older child is learning not to push too far.
10. Both kids are learning how to solve fights by listening to each other, compromising, and/or just letting things go. I always thought these were skills I could teach them...turns out they are skills the kids always had and just didn't need to use since I was always "helping" them solve their disagreements!

The one very weak spot in the book is his advice about fights in the car (or in other enclosed places.) Pulling over to the side of the road and waiting might work--but it's not practical unless you have a very flexible schedule (and don't drive on highways). Still, I highly recommend this book to parents with bickering kids. It won't stop the bickering entirely, it will just turn bickering from a major parental headache into a great childhood learning experience.
P. Gould, co-author of Feeding the Kids: The Flexible, No-Battles, Healthy Eating System for the Whole Family (Fork and Spoon Field Guides)

I like the straight-forward nature of the three "rules" for dealing with sibling conflicts, and agree that no good ever comes from taking sides in arguments between my kids. I find his "Stop it, you two!" (or in my case, "you three!")to be one of the greatest parenting phrases I've learned. However, a lot of his examples seem to end with a child, upon figuring out that his parent won't intervene on his behalf, declaring his plan for revenge as he leaves the room. For example, one of his recurring themes is a kid tattling on his sibling for swearing at him. Parent gives sympathy but refuses to get involved and in the end, the kid leaves saying, "Fine, then I'm going to call him a worse swear." This is the point that I think most parents, myself included, would have a difficult time not jumping in and saying something about his plan to go swear at his brother. I get that letting him go at that point is part of the whole "don't get involved" and "let them learn from experience" rules, but it doesn't feel right to me to not help the child think of some other alternatives or at least help the kid cool down so that he's not as inclined to just go back in fighting. This doesn't mean you have to say something like, "You do that, mister, and you're grounded!" but you could say, "You think that will help?" Or, "What, like Giant Ugly Cabbage Head?" (or something equally ridiculous to get him laughing). Or "I wonder if you can think of a swear so horrible it will make him fall on his knees and say, 'Oh brother, I'm soooooo sorry I ever swore at you. I'll never ever do it again and you can have all my best xbox games forever if you'll just forgive me...'" (give him what he wants in fantasy, if not reality).

I guess I believe that a parent can help defuse a child's anger without taking sides and while that does pull you into the argument more than this author seems to suggest is necessary, I think it's a pretty important role for a parent to play.

So, would I suggest reading the book? Yes, but perhaps in tandem with another book like Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too or Playful Parenting so you have some ideas about what to say to a child who has just told you his plans for revenge.

The author knows that in his family sibling rivalry is just a bid for parental attention. Once the kids are no longer rewarded with parental attention when they fight, the fighting will stop. He gives an example of a child that plays nicely in the kitchen while a parent cooks but stops coloring and picks a fight when a sibling enters.

While it may be true in some cases, in our family there are other reasons for sibling rivalry. Since sibling rivalry has many causes not addressed by the author his one size fits all solution is of little use to me.

This book has really helped my husband and I cope with the bickering that came along with blending our families. With kids ages 14, 13, 12, and 11, the bickering was inevitable. With the changes we made to our parenting styles based on this book, our family life has dramatically improved.

I much preferred "Siblings Without Rivalry" as a helpful resource for sibling bickering.

This author's approach is much too hands-off, basically taking a stance of not getting involved and letting the kids battle things out on their own. I believe the job of a parent is to teach and guide interpersonal skills, not let the playground/bully mentality decide how interactions should go.

The book is also interspersed with foul language that could easily have been omitted while still getting the point across.

Though it was recommended by a behaviorist, it just doesn't apply when a child doesn't know how to get out of a situation emotionally. Traumatized children can't be left to their own devises to figure it out when they haven't learned the coping skills. The book oversimplifies.

I have 4 children so I am always on the look out for new and interesting ways to handle sibling bickering. The book is written in a dialouge format which is a quick and easy read. I flipped open the book randomly to read a couple of pages. I was then shocked to see the "F" word not once but multiple times. The dialouge was being said by the CHILDREN! This is outrageous! The author could have made the same point with out the use of foul language. This book should have a warning on the front cover of the language inside. I have quit reading this book. The author in my mind has no morals and therefore must have nothing for me to learn. He will not have my time nor my money. Save yourself the assault and do not read this book!