Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates: Answering Tough Questions and Building Strong Families [Paperback]

Diane Ehrensaft PhD (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: July 6, 2005

If you need help having a baby, reproductive technology can supply the answer. But it also raises a host of questions that won’t arise until after the child is born: What will you say to “Where did I come from?” when the answer includes a donor or surrogate? Will knowing the truth about how you conceived make your child love you less? Will having a baby with someone else strain your relationship with your spouse or partner? What will grandparents, family members, friends, and coworkers think? Dr. Diane Ehrensaft--a developmental and clinical psychologist who’s worked with families formed using assisted reproductive technology for more than 20 years--helps you anticipate the big questions and find solutions that are right for you and your loved ones. Dr. Ehrensaft offers information, support, and straightforward advice for coping with private worries, confronting public prejudices, and raising happy, healthy children. Single or married, straight or gay, anyone looking forward to the joys and challenges of building a family with the help of a donor or surrogate will discover a wealth of thought-provoking ideas and fresh insights in this sensitive, practical, and positive book.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

With the spread of nontraditional families and the rise of infertility, "assisted conception" (donor insemination, egg donation, surrogate mothering or any combination of the above) is a big new fact of life. After two decades of counseling "biosocial" families, Ehrensaft, a clinical and developmental psychologist (Parenting Together; Spoiling Childhood), wrote this honest, down-to-earth manual to help parents work through the problems. Just because people are brave enough to create nontraditional families doesn't mean they've anticipated the difficult questions those arrangements raise. Do shared genes give the biological parent more rights than the "social" parent? Is it wrong to have fantasies about sperm donors? How do you decide how much to involve the "birth other" in the "family matrix"? At what age do you tell your child his or her birth story? What do you tell them? Ehrensaft groups the issues thematically with plenty of firsthand anecdotes. An experienced therapist, she acknowledges up front many things we do that we shouldn't: social moms feeling jealous of surrogates, parents hiding the truth from their children, etc. She understands—and then nudges parents in a better direction. This is a terrifically useful book for nontraditional families and everyone (teachers, ministers, therapists) who works with them. (Aug.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

Review

"I was blown away by this book. It is the book for anyone who used or is thinking of using any kind of assisted reproduction to help create a family. So many of us are afraid to talk openly about--or just don't know how to talk about--the ways our families were created. This book will help you deal with your own anxieties and confusions and then be able to talk about them in a more comfortable way. Reading it is like talking with a good friend who really understands the big picture, with all its complexities and poignancy. I am overjoyed that a book like this is finally available."--Jane Mattes, CSW, psychotherapist and founder of Single Mothers by Choice

"Dr. Ehrensaft has written an extraordinarily sensitive yet comprehensive book about the issues raised when a surrogate or donor is involved in creating a child. She covers everything from the fears and fantasies of parents-to-be to whether, when, and what to tell children about their origins. This fascinating, thought-provoking book is a 'must' for anyone contemplating taking advantage of these new technologies."--Kim Paleg, PhD, author of The Ten Things Every Parent Needs to Know and "new technology" mother

"This is a great resource. It offers concrete examples and suggestions for dealing with many issues that are likely to come up as I raise my kids. There is so much to learn from the stories Dr. Ehrensaft shares of others who have walked this path before me."--Anne-Marie, "new technology" mother of two

"This is the first book to map the emotional terrain of parenthood that is aided by a 'birth other,' the author's inventive term for a donor or surrogate. Dr. Ehrensaft sensitively explores the hopes and dreams, concerns and fears of parents and prospective parents, and offers the best available knowledge for facing the tough questions. Wise, highly readable, and insightful, this is an essential guide."--Anne C. Bernstein, PhD, author of Yours, Mine, and Ours and Flight of the Stork: How Children Think (and When) about Sex and Family Building

"This groundbreaking book demystifies technology and focuses our attention where it should be--on the gift of life, and the human beings involved in creating a family. Dr. Ehrensaft tackles your medical questions, your psychological questions, and your parenting questions, all in one readable, authoritative volume."--Susan H. McDaniel, PhD, Department of Family Medicine, University of Rochester School of Medicine and Dentistry

"Few issues are more stressful than navigating the emotional minefield of assisted reproduction. Diane Ehrensaft serves as a sensitive, knowledgeable, and inclusive guide through the minefield. Her understanding of the assisted reproduction process and the often difficult and thorny issues it raises for couples and individuals is brilliant. Dr. Ehrensaft's refreshing openness and deft touch make this an invaluable resource."--Kate Kendell, Executive Director, National Center for Lesbian Rights

Product Details

• Paperback: 305 pages
• Publisher: The Guilford Press; 1 edition (July 6, 2005)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1593851332
• ISBN-13: 978-1593851330
• Product Dimensions: 8.8 x 6.3 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (8 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #95,715 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #63 in Books > Medical Books > Nursing > Psychiatry & Mental Health

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

21 of 25 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Highly recommended, September 1, 2006

By 

Mikki Morrissette "choice mom" (Minnesota) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates: Answering Tough Questions and Building Strong Families (Paperback)

I'm not sure what the ambivalence, and negative reaction, of the previous reviewers was based on. Or what the more recent reviewer was actually looking for that didn't get resolved. I find this a very insightful book that presses parents and others to investigate the emotional issues they're likely to encounter over time as the parent of a donor-conceived child. Especially the very real emotional issues of a couple in which one might consider the other more "his" or "hers" based on biological ties; cultural beliefs that many of us grow up with that need to be addressed with donor-assisted conception. Certainly to think that these issues won't come up, or are better left undiscussed, does a disservice to the child and the couple (or single parent, which is discussed as well).

I agree that it's a wide-ranging book, which might seem a bit daunting at times, particularly for those looking for practical solutions rather than discussion. But since most clinics don't discuss many of these mental health concerns with clients, I think this is a highly valuable book that prospective parents can read in the privacy of their bedroom as they contemplate and consider the choices ahead.

As author of "Choosing Single Motherhood," I know many women make conscious choices about becoming a parent. I think the kind of issues raised in Ehrensaft's book are honest, real and important for anyone to keep in mind when pursuing parenthood in non-traditional ways.

6 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Soothing, loving, July 22, 2007

By 

Marisa (Rural Heartland, USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates: Answering Tough Questions and Building Strong Families (Paperback)

I love this book. I'm reading it slowly to not miss a word. Of the DE books I read this is the first one I feel is non-judgemental, and so very reasonable.
I got it from the library (cautious by the reviews I read here) and am going to buy it just to keep it.
Reading this book is easing a lot of the stress I'm going through on this path. Once issues are named and identified they lose their ability to subliminally torment you. The book is respectful enough to leave it to the reader to look at things her/his own way, after helping in laying out the issues.
This book is written by a psychoanalyst and will be most enjoyed by people familiar with psychoanalysis.

5 of 6 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars don't understand the criticism!, April 30, 2010

By 

lauren (ny, ny United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates: Answering Tough Questions and Building Strong Families (Paperback)

I'm really confused by the previous reviewer who felt the author of this book is cruel to those of us who are dealing with infertility! This could not be more untrue!

I recommend this book very strongly. It is the one of the few books on the topic that talks about the full panoply of emotional issues faced by everyone involved in 3rd party assisted reproduction.

This is not a handbook to pursuing gamete donation or surrogacy. The book Having Your Baby Via Egg Donation covers that ground. This it is an in-depth discussion of an extremely complicated topic, written by a psychologist with extensive experience in this area.

I think this book is especially valuable for those of us who already have donor-gamete conceived children and are looking for guidance in the ongoing task of talking to our children out it.