Customer Reviews

The Mommy Myth : The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined All Women

5 star:		(32)
4 star:		(11)
3 star:		(9)
2 star:		(10)
1 star:		(13)

 

 

Sisterhood should be powerful -- but after a brief heyday a constellation of religious, political, and commercial forces managed to split apart the bonds formed during the women's movement.

A central theme of The Mommy Myth is the ways women have been set against each other -- black vs. white, rich vs. poor, careerist vs. stay-at-home, parent vs. nonparent, -- in a series of sensationalized media catfights, thus destroying and/or subverting most of the gains of feminism.

A fascinating overview of media distortion and cultural brainwashing on such topics as "welfare mothers" (the proportions of welfare recipients who are black, who are single black women with more than two children, or who are teen mothers, are far, far from what the public has been led to believe) and news coverage of nonevents like Satanic day care sex rings and "crack babies" (turns out there's no such thing).

The chapter on marketing to children ("targets," according to the industry) is chlling.

Book is marred by overuse of cutesy, hip language: way too many "whatever"s "No, no, no"s and similes drawn from famous names in pop culture. But that alone didn't lose it the fifth star.

The worst flaw, in my opinion, is Douglas' and Michaels' serious misreading of attachment parenting. Reading over some of the reviews here, it seems that lost them a lot of symphathetic readers, too. Attachment parenting simply is not part of the artificially intensified mothering phenonmenon that the authors are exposing here. It's not a "fad" and it doesn't make mothers feel inadequate. In fact, one reason that I like it -- and the reason why I believe it when proponent Sears claims it's natural -- is because it's so much easier. Baby cries? Pick him or her up. Baby doesn't like to sleep alone? No big mystery -- who does? Why stick 'em in the crib and then create sleep problems that then must be solved?

I agree with the attachment parent who was disturbed by their recommendation that a couple should leave their 8-month-old with a grandparent for an entire week. That equates with recommending that the 8-month-old should already be weaned. Book contains several more obvious anti-breastfeeding statements as well.

But then, this book is not, as many reader reviews here point out, a parenting book. It's a historical and political book. Its strength is in the startling picture it paints of a culture that is apparently determined to keep gender stereotypes enforced and keep each sex in its place. Media myths of good parenting are totally dismantled.

I was left curious as to what their idea of good parenting might actually be.

This is a terrific book! I thought I'd just skim through it like so many of these kinds of books, but I find myself not wanting to miss a word. Every few pages I grab my husband and read a few lines aloud to him. I can SO relate to so much of what these ladies wrote, even though I definitely don't always agree with them... and isn't that the point? There are as many ways to be a fulfilled woman as there are human beings with two X chromosomes.

I love the way most of this book is written and I think it's hilariously funny except that it's not, iykwim. It's a very pithy history of feminism and 'good mother'hood -- what they are, what they're not, what they could be, and what various folks would like you to think they should be -- from the perspective of 'real' women (ie not 'experts') with real opinions which they are unafraid of expressing.

For the most part, I highly recommend this book. As women of all ages, we should know about and understand the context in which we are living our lives.

*** (Caveat: Parts of the last chapter can be skipped entirely. I think that's where the authors themselves got a wee bit sidetracked and possibly even a mite self-righteous. It is apparently inconceivable to them that some women might make choices different from theirs for reasons that don't fit so well into the binary paradigm the authors have attempted to describe. Rather than taking sides in the "Mommy Wars" perhaps they might have returned to their original proposition that many women are ambivalent about their life choices; in truth, there are trade offs no matter what you do, and life choices span a range of A to Z, not merely A or B. It's a shame, because I really LOVED the rest of this book. It's still very much worth reading, and offers PLENTY of food for thought.) ***

A straight-talking critique of the Cult of the Perfect Mom, told with a healthy dollop of exasperation. The authors deconstruct this image -- peddled relentlessly by our media -- and assert that it's OK if you don't love parenting every minute. This is *not* an argument against having kids or loving them! The authors are simply trying to let the millions of guilt-ridden moms in this country off the hook, because being a parent isn't easy and it's so much harder when the media suggests otherwise. How this message can be perceived as "anti-child," as a number of reviewers here seem to suggest, is beyond me. So many mothers blame themselves if they aren't euphoric over every dirty diaper and spilled sippy cup. We believe the problem is within *us* and that if we only tried harder, we'd fit those media images. Why aren't we looking at the ways society fails to support mothers -- and fathers? Corporate America and the government get off scott-free, when in reality these institutions could be doing so much more to truly support families. "The Mommy Myth" shines a light on these unasked questions, and encourages mothers to stop blaming themselves and demand more from the institutions that benefit from our efforts to raise responsible, productive future workers and citizens.

In the early months following the birth of my son, and even now, I have found myself wondering whether I am enjoying motherhood the way I'm supposed to--the way others mothers do. The right all-loving, all sacrificing way. This book illustrates for me that this "perfect" way is likely a carefully crafted illusion.

However, after I got this message, established in the opening chapters of the book, the mocking tone that the authors are fond of using began to grate and I feel that they take their hypothesis too far.

I appreciate the section regarding welfare mothers and the illuminating contrasts of media representations of moms. I like being reminded that I don't have to love and adore parenting every single moment in order to be a good parent. (Though the authors seem to believe that the only way to combat not loving every moment is to get away to your real job and make sure the kids are in a comprehensive system of government sponsored child care.)

However, the authors seem to clearly feel like there is a right way to mother--and that is to reject the cozy media images of motherhood that tell you the right way to mother (ironic, eh?). They do not seem to believe that there are mothers out there who truly believe in homeschooling, homebirthing, babywearing, extended breastfeeding, etc. and who enjoy their lives with their children (not all aspects, granted, but do enjoy it). Or, if they do recognize that some mothers are committed to these concepts, they seem to feel that those mothers have stupidly bought into a vast conspiracy to undermine women (not that they might hold these ideals because they actually make sense!). The mocking tone really becomes unacceptable to me in the last chapter-for example, the authors cannot imagine homeschooling and can't wait to pack the kids off to school every Monday. The implicit assumption is that all women truly want this as well, but are just brainwashed into thinking that they prefer taking care of their own children themselves.

So, in short, I like the mocking commentary when it is applies to governmental and social systems (I am a bleeding heart liberal social worker, after all!), but when the same tone is turned toward concepts that I fully embrace, I find it offputting, insulting, and remarkably hypocritical-i.e. the message I receive is, "we'll expose how idealization of motherhood has undermined women by letting you know what a dork you are for actually believing any of it." In the end, the authors undermine and demean exactly as do the institutions they are exposing.

The Mommy Myth explores history mostly in this century of various aspects of childrearing. This is really well done, and they pull out interesting bits on each topic. For example, they describe how toys sold in groceries stores were shifted from something available for parents to purchase into something marketed to children. This causes more whining at the store, but sells more toys, so marketing to children is now the norm in toys. The authors also described government run daycares set up during WWII. These were onsite at a few large factories and also provided services like medical care for the children, groceries, and take home dinners. It sounds very convenient. The history of trends in mothering was very interesting. It can be an overview, but for me was even more valuable in providing many jumping off points for the details I was most curious about.

The biggest flaw with this book was the way it was written. There are countless sarcastic asides and commentary on what the authors are describing. These are cheesy and plentiful and really brought the book down for me.

Overall this is interesting reading on mothering. The sarcastic asides really got to me and brought the book down. I recommend that you read a bit of this at a bookstore or a library before you buy it just to test the waters on that tone thing.

This book is written with refreshing honesty and great depth of knowledge and consideration of context and history. I don't believe that this book's intent is to "let mothers off the hook." It is simply a very well researched and well constructed social commentary about a subject that is extremely volatile and systematically overlooked.

if you are looking for a parenting book, as some of the reviewers appear to be, then you will be dissapointed. this is a book by women about being a woman in the complex and often conflicted world in which we all must live.

i can't recommend this book more and offer my appreciation and congratulations to the authors.

This was a book I set down and couldn't pick up.

"The Mommy Myth" seeks to expose the messages that women and men receive from media and other sources -- messages that maintain artificial social boundaries that keep women from fulfilling their full potential. As the husband of a working wife, I'm in sympathy with this message. But I found the book's tone so mocking and irritating that I only made it through about 30 pages.

Too bad.

The book includes a fascinating section on the way the media created and sustained the crack baby "crisis." Also coming in for criticism was the way the media glamorizes and promotes drastically difrerent types of mothers -- the stay-at-home-give-up-my-life Mom in one era and the demanding-career-AND-babies Mom that is currently the rage. But while the women's magazines gain circulation, real moms get caught between their personal feelings and society's expectations, feeling guilty (as the authors suppose) when their lives don't match the grand ideals presented by the media. "The Mommy Myth" was fun in the way it deconstructed Dr. Benjamin Spock's paternal (and paternalistic) advice to mothers over the years. My own mother, a Registered Nurse who worked the night shift in order to be home with the us kids during the day, used to say that Spock's book was good -- for spanking children with. "The Mommy Myth" helped me understand where she was coming from.

Five stars for excellent, useful and timely information. Two star demerit for being unreadable.

This is without a doubt one of my all time favorite books. This book is a victory for all mothers. I stay at home, but I love this book because it points out how little our government has done to support families. The authors make great arguements against both the media and the government. It is obivious the mommy wars were started by the media. This book did a great job showing that. There is a section that discusses the language used by the media to describe certain groups of mothers. When discussing women who stay home the familiar and warm mom is used as in Soccer Mom and Stay-at-Home Mom. The media then uses the colder mother for Working Mothers and Welfare Mothers. That part of the book was very eye opening for me. One of the biggest disappointments for me becoming a mother was realizing that motherhood is like 7th grade. Women are still being catty and picking on one another rather than using our time and strength to help one another. Every mother should read this book even if you don't agree with every chapter. It might help us respect one another.

What I found most confusing about this book was its lack of compassion for mothers and their experiences. The authors were relentless in criticism of popular culture for its idealised portrayal of motherhood (though I found most of their targets were much too easy). I question the premise that popular culture has as much power to undermine women as the authors suggest (or assume), and would have liked a bit more argument on that.

But the authors were not supportive of women as mothers. I got the impression that they assume all women who choose to stay at home as mothers are overworked, stressed, taken for granted, resentful, and jealous of their husbands lives outside the home. There didn't seem to be room in the book for a working model of motherhood, one in which the woman is both a mother and satisfied with her life.

I appreciated the reminder that we need to be critical of our culture, but I found this criticism overly negative. The authors' attitude was so sarcastic that it put me off their argument, and at times it seemed almost gleefully cruel. But if you share their sense of humour, you might enjoy this book more than I did.

After reading just the first chapter, I felt empowered with knowledge. I realized that attachment parenting is a lifestyle CHOICE and not the ONLY right way to parent as mothers are constantly reminded and made to feel guilty about. It is a lifestyle that my husband and I enjoy along with homeschooling our girls that really suits us. Although the book does patronize this choice often, I just brush it off. The point still stands. We must respect and support every woman's right to choose her parenting style and to decide what works for her unique family.