A Message for Parents
Mom's House, Dad's House for Kids is an inside view of separation, divorce, and forming a stepfamily. It is primarily for children ten and older to read alone or with their parents. It is meant to be an encouraging and realistic friend that empowers children with practical ways to gain understanding, some perspective, and self-knowledge. It's an operating manual with a message: Believe in yourself, take pride in your family, and use times of change to get stronger and learn important life skills. Many children will be relieved to read this book because it can affirm and express their experiences. If you also read this book, your child can take comfort in knowing that you have the same frame of reference -- especially with delicate subjects like anger, panic, and feeling disloyal or in the middle.
As a parent, you know the challenges you face as you divorce or remarry. These family changes can bewilder and upset children even when you assure them that things will turn out well down the road. But, take heart; children can and do travel successfully through major life transitions, especially when they know parents love them and are doing their best to steer the course. You have this book because you sincerely want to do the right thing for your child. You may have already covered many of the topics in this book with your child (or are well on your way). If so, this book can help your child remember your advice, validate your perspective, and continue being open with you. If you and your children are just beginning the process of transition, then this book can be useful in offering ideas, concepts, and guides for your consideration. If you have younger children between the ages of eight and ten, they can also benefit from this book if you select passages and read them together. If your child is younger than eight, you can read the book yourself for ways to help your child express feelings. Children between six and eight may seem self-sufficient, but they can be much more vulnerable to fears and misunderstandings. Select topics cautiously, rephrase them in your own words, and encourage questions.
The three goals for this book are to
- Offer the reader maps through divorce and stepfamily territories with defined regions, things to know and do, a sense of what's ahead, and the final destination.
- Establish a sense of order and structure around major transitions with enough information to empower but not overwhelm.
- Reinforce your role as a parent by encouraging your child to strengthen certain life skills and attitudes that foster resiliency. These skills can help children bounce back from tough times and also believe in themselves and in their future.
Your child will probably enjoy this book best when read a few pages at a time. Encourage him or her to take it slowly. If your child is shy about expressing a feeling or a desire, you might suggest that he or she point to a page or leave a marker on pages for you to read. Please do not pressure your child to read certain passages. Children have their own internal wisdom that tells them when they are ready to deal with their feelings and when to share them with others, including their parents. Some children will not verbalize their feelings, but are more comfortable expressing themselves by drawing, writing in a private journal, engaging in fantasy play or games, or through physical activity. You know what's "normal" for your child. If you feel uneasy about his or her behavior, do discuss your concerns with a trained counselor or your pediatrician.
Finally, and this might be the last thing you want to hear right now, healing and adjustment always seem to take more time than we expect. During big transitions, children require more, not less, attention from parents. But, this often comes at a time when parents are preoccupied with heavy responsibilities and major life transitions. So, treasure those little ways where you reassure your child that you will always love and take care of them -- no matter what. You are your child's safe haven. Copyright ©2006 by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D.
From PART ONE: SEPARATION AND DIVORCE TERRITORY
Separation and divorce are a little like a long road trip. The destination is a new version of normal family life -- one that is different from what you knew before but is still right for your family.
Your family's road trip might be short and simple, or it might be long and complicated. Things may seem better for a while, then worse, then much better. The road might be fairly straight, or curve back and forth. Every family's trip is different. But no matter what happens along the way, try to remember that you can use what you learn to help you stay strong and get smarter about things. Eventually things will settle down and you will arrive at your destination. There may be moments when it feels as if your world is coming to an end, but it won't. However, it is changing.
SNEAK PREVIEW OF SEPARATION AND DIVORCE TERRITORY
1. Splitting and Dividing. This is just before and after your parents' separation. For some families, it's shock and weirdness time. You may hear your parents arguing. You wonder what's true and what's not. You'll find out about your feelings, how to feel better fast, and how to use a "special energy." You will also find out how to stay out of the miserable middle of your parents' problems and get some straight answers to your questions.
2. Changes and More Changes. This is when your parents have started living in two different places. Some kids have just a few changes. For other kids, there are a ton of changes to get used to. This is why this chapter is so long. Whether you are in one home or two now, you will find out about living in a new home, new rules, and new routines. You will find ways to stay connected with your parents, family, and friends; deal with stuff at school; see grandparents and other relatives; and celebrate holidays. You'll probably still have some strong feelings about everything while the adults are figuring it out. With good information and ideas, things can be much easier.
3. New Ways. Here is where daily life gets much better even though people may still have a bad moment or even a bad day. By this time, you and your family have settled into routines and schedules. Feelings have settled down, too. You'll find tips in this section on how to handle yourself when your parents are meeting new people, different ways to solve problems, and how to work together as a family team. Even though you may have some surprise "creep-ups" of old feelings, life is a lot more fun as you reach your destination -- a new kind of normal family life.
Your parents' separation and divorce is one of the biggest things that will ever happen to you. So, no matter if the divorce was years ago or if it's happening now, you can decide to help yourself understand better, gain important life skills, and go on to succeed in life. Copyright ©2006 by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D.
From Chapter 1
Splitting and Dividing
The time before and just after the parents split up can be painful. Kids can feel suddenly different. Their feelings might be hurt a lot. Maybe they feel shocked, sad, or scared. Even when parents say everything will eventually turn out okay, some kids can feel as if they are in the middle of an earthquake or bad dream.
"This is the WORST day of my LIFE!" Daria shouted to her parents. "I don't WANT you to divorce! I want things to stay THE WAY THEY ARE NOW! How could you do this to me!" Daria's little brother started to cry. Later, she listened as her parents explained how they would take care of them as they always had, only now it would be in two homes instead of one. That helped, but Daria still felt awful.
The twins Zoe and Amy knew their parents had problems. Mom and Dad were grouchy with one another, and their father had been sleeping in the den for a long time. When their parents said they had something important to talk about, Zoe whispered to Amy, "Divorce." That was last week. While Amy felt as if her world was falling apart, Zoe wasn't upset. She was just going to see what happened.
When Luke's mom told him last month that his dad wasn't coming back home, Luke felt relieved. He won't have to worry about Dad being drunk and acting crazy. His mom said things will work out much better for everyone. Luke still felt weird and wondered if his father still loved him.
Ben slammed the door to his room. He didn't want to listen to his parents' ugly fighting again. Dad had moved out two months ago, but that didn't stop the arguments. Now Mom said she was going to get full custody, whatever that meant. No one ever told him anything, and his sisters were no help. He put on his headphones and turned the volume way up.
Justin's father said, "It's been four months since your mom and I separated. How are you doing with all this?" Justin smiled and said, "Things are okay, don't worry." But things were not fine. He and his older brother did not let their parents know how they felt. Justin was very sad, and when he was alone he cried a lot. He also thought he was to blame for the split. He just couldn't talk about these things.
Do any parts of these stories sound familiar? It can be hard for kids to explain what they feel. One thing, for sure, kids have a lot of big questions.
SOME BIG QUESTIONS
Why are things so weird? What's going to happen?
When will I see Mom or Dad? Why can't they just fix it?
Where will I live? Is my family ruined forever?
What do I do with my feelings? Who can I believe?
Is this all my fault? Will we move away?
Will I still see my friends or change schools?
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