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No More Christian Nice Girl: When Just Being Nice--Instead of Good--Hurts You, Your Family, and Your Friends Paperback – May 1, 2010


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Product Details

  • Paperback: 224 pages
  • Publisher: Bethany House Publishers (May 1, 2010)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0764207695
  • ISBN-13: 978-0764207693
  • Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.5 x 0.8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (91 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #175,616 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From the Back Cover

Be the Strong, Confident, and Caring Woman You Were Meant to Be

Tired of doing all you can for others while your relationships remain stuck in neutral--or headed in reverse? Paul Coughlin and psychologist Jennifer Degler show how being nice can harm you and drain the life out of your relationships. They explore the keys to fulfillment at home, work, church, and even in the bedroom. You'll discover that emulating the real Jesus is the key to transforming from a Christian Nice Girl into an authentic, powerful woman of loving faith.

"What's wrong with being nice? Paul Coughlin and Jennifer Degler make a strong case that women need to be bold and assertive rather than people pleasers who try to do too much. I recommend this book to you."

--Dr. Kevin Leman, Author of The Birth Order Book and Have a New Kid by Friday


"This refreshingly practical book is a must for any woman who yearns to move from the entanglements of being nice to the freedom of being real."

--Georgia Shaffer, PA Licensed Psychologist, Certified Life Coach, and Author of Taking Out Your Emotional Trash


"As a Christian counselor, I see many women paying the high price of being too nice: depression, anxiety, stress-related physical ailments, as well as difficult and destructive relationship patterns. Finally there is a book I can recommend that gives women the reasons why nice isn't always good and the tools to help them stop."

Leslie Vernick, Licensed Counselor, Speaker, and Author of The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy.


Paul Coughlin is a bestselling author, international speaker, and founder of The Protectors, a faith-based and values-based solution to adolescent bullying.

Jennifer Degler, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, life coach, and a frequent speaker at women's events and marriage retreats.

About the Author

Paul Coughlin hosts a radio talk show in southern Oregon and is the author of No More Christian Nice Guy. Paul has been interviewed by C.S.P.A.N., the New York Times, and numerous radio and television stations across the country. His articles have appeared in many publications, including New Man, Faithworks, and Ministries Today. He has also been editor of a weekly newspaper and a radio station program director. A former Christian Nice Guy, Paul is a happily married father. The Coughlin family lives in Medford, Oregon. Jennifer D. Degler, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and life coach. A frequent speaker at women's events and marriage retreats, she also maintains a counseling practice, seeing adults, children, and couples for psychotherapy. She is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors and the founder of Creating Christian Change, a life coaching enterprise that works with clients across the United States helping them to create lives they love. She has been interviewed by the Lexington Herald-Leader and local N.B.C. and C.B.S. affiliates as an expert in life coaching and mental health issues. Jennifer and her husband, Jeff, live in Lexington, Kentucky, with their two teenage children.

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Customer Reviews

I read the book pretty fast.
Shannon
If you feel like you are running around making everyone else happy while you are withering inside - this may be just the book for you!
Cafe Lily
This book is very easy to read; the authors have a relaxed and straightforward way that invites the reader to go on.
Yiya Cucuy

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

21 of 21 people found the following review helpful By Yiya Cucuy on July 27, 2010
Format: Paperback
Today, we face the realities of a "social church" that seldom faces facts, acts in the sweetest way possible to "be a good witness," and likes sermons and ways that are soft, delicate and sweet, just because someone is Christian. As a result, many good-intentioned women end up trying to please everyone else but themselves, accomplishing nothing more than becoming a doormat for those who like abusing others. As a consequence, even the own identity is lost and life becomes a constant struggle, resulting in frustrated and broken relationships.

This is the reality the authors say drove them to write this book. Both are experienced counselors, and it shows both, in their biblically-found advice and in their easy narration. Yes, you might find yourself soaring through the truths, jokes and challenges, while you learn that assertive, respectful and graceful words (somewhat surprising, but sincere) are more powerful than nice ones (those expected and wanted), even if this might result "offensive" to those who like to use women. It might be a challenge, but as the authors put it, confrontation will lead into intimacy and better relations.

This book is very easy to read; the authors have a relaxed and straightforward way that invites the reader to go on. However, I found myself identified with some situations and had to take a pause and ponder about it before reading on, and this does not happen to me with any book, which is another fact I liked about this one. I even read some chapters twice.

A great asset, at the end of each chapter, the authors include a series of questions that might be used for study in small groups or for personal reflection.
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21 of 23 people found the following review helpful By CatWhisker on May 23, 2011
Format: Paperback
(There is a June 2012 edit at the bottom of this review; I now recommend, with one or two caveats, another book, a secular one by author Beverly Engel, in addition to this one - and which I'll be writing a review of on Amazon:
The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- and Start Standing Up for Yourself )

There are a few other Amazon reviewers who stated they cannot possibly believe any woman could be as passive as the book's fictional protagonist, Nicole. You can believe it, because I was just like Nicole most of my life, and so was my mother.

The tendency to be "too nice" is also known as "people pleasing," or as "codependency" among some therapists.

There is a book quite similar to this one called "Boundaries" by Christian authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

I think this book is a little better than "Boundaries" in one regard: it is more explicit in really bringing awareness to the problem that codependency is absolutely running rampant in contemporary Christianity, and is, sadly, due in part precisely to (distorted) Christian teaching and preaching itself.

Current day American Christianity compounds the "nice girl" problem because some Bible verses, when taught incorrectly, or when emphasized too much, lead a Christian to believe that it is unbiblical or selfish to ever say "no" to other people at any time for any reason, but that is exactly the kind of message many Christian preachers, leaders, and television personalities present, and they do it quite often.
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11 of 11 people found the following review helpful By Brittney Thomas on May 5, 2010
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
This book is a must read for women! If you tired of always saying "yes" and would like to learn to say "no" without packing your bags for a guilt trip, then look no further than the pages of this book. The authors do a great job at illustrating that women have options far beyond being a "door mat" or just being mean. The book provides sound biblical and practical advise on how to speak the truth in love and create healthy boundaries to better balance your life. It is an easy read and one that will leave you feeling empowered to go and claim the abundant life God has for you!
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8 of 8 people found the following review helpful By Amazon Customer on August 23, 2010
Format: Paperback
I received a copy of this book free from Bethany Publishers for the purpose of an honest review.

No More Christian Nice Girl: When Just Being Nice--Instead of Good--Hurts You, Your Family, and Your Friends was a good read. It is a problem that I encounter at times within myself and with others around me. I grew up in the north so I did not see this nice versus good as much of an issue there. However now in the south I do see it occur more often. I think culturally the southern sweetness is in this category at times. Nice is not good however when we lie.

Lying was the biggest thing I got from this book. Though there is so much helpful information for someone who seems to have problems saying no or defining clear boundaries for themselves, I realized that there are some things that I do that are actual lies. An example of this is saying yes to something when really I want to say no. My children are the ones who usually suffer when I do this. They beg for things and instead of saying no many times I cross the boundary I set in my mind and say yes. Then I feel resentment toward them because of this. Standing firm with the boundaries you set is important. I am not sure why these little people in my life can push me around. I have seen this and have been convicted to stand firm now. So, ask me how I am doing when you get a chance. This book looks at our boundaries with friends, workplace, family, etc.

I really liked how it also explored good women of the Bible and the balance of speaking truth in love. When we do not do this we are lying. If we love people we will tell them the truth. Sometimes this is hard but it is what we need to do. Nice people avoid conflict or turn the other way but good people (true loving people) will have confrontation where it is necessary.
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