Customer Reviews

Mother-Daughter Duet: Getting to the Relationship You Want with Your Adult Daughter

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Mother-Daughter Duet by Cheri Fuller and her grown daughter, Ali Plum is a refreshing book written by mother and daughter with both perspectives given. I was immediately captivated by the writing style and the subject matter. This book is about being a mom, or a daughter and you will be able to relate on both levels through-out the book. The part of the book that I gleaned most from was the section on "Letting Go" which I am having a very difficult time doing right now! Of course its hard to let go when they haven't left yet! I have two adult daughters living at home still and it is extremely difficult not to mother them. In the book you will read how you need to let them make mistakes and take those small steps back as they grow and mature and then hopefully by the time they are ready to fly from the nest you will be ready also!

There is so much that you can relate to and learn in this book that you will easily finish it within a few reading sessions. Many examples from mothers and daughters in almost every different situation; from single mothers with rebellious daughters to the most traditional mother daughter roles. You will read about yourselves in this book!

On my desk and around my office are little gifts that my mother has given me over the years - a "Dare to Dream" poem, a couple of her photos of fog among the Redwood trees, and the latest addition, a collectible Mother & Daughter porcelain plaque with a quote on it.

Every day when I look up I see a bit of my mom through these items, and feel her love and support. Yet I talk with her only maybe four to six times a year. We both live busy lives and are both working and raising families.

But when I think of my mom, I smile. And that's how I would love for my daughters to think of me when they are grown. But how does this come about?

Mother-Daughter Duet by mother-daughter team, Cheri Fuller and Ali Plum, promises to show you (and I) the path.

Combining stories from their own relationship struggles and successes, their journey of letting go of the mother-daughter dynamic and become friends, with the stories from many other mothers and daughters they interviewed while researching this book, Fuller and Plum provide practical insights into how we can develop healthy relationships with our daughters and with our own mothers.

At 201 pages, the book is broken into thirteen chapters, plus an introduction and epilogue. You'll be taken on a journey of engaging with your daughter through early adulthood through marriage, motherhoods, and beyond.

Each chapter is themed for specific hotpoint or issue, like validation, communication, making wedding plans, when your daughter becomes a wife and then a parent, and, of course, forgiveness.

Both a mother's point of view and a daughter's point of view are given for each topic, with a coming together for what is called "two part harmony". Discussion questions for each chapter are provided at the end of the book.

One of the things I really like about this book is that Cheri Fuller and Ali Plum do not pretend that they are perfect or have the perfect mother-daughter relationship. They've struggled, just like many others and have through trial and error, communication, and counselling have found a better harmony. They are transparent in that in writing the book, they ran into issues within their relationship and found ways to work through them. This, I believe, adds the the credibility and integrity of the insights they share.

As I watch my own daughter grow into a teen, and know that around the corner she will be off on her own, I am heartened to learn that moms who learn to cherish their daughter's growth and independence have an easier time making the transition. While my daughters are not yet adults, I found many of the tips and insights from Mother-Daughter Duet worth storing in the back of mind, preparing for the day my daughters' set sail.

Mother-Daughter Duet also has me thinking about my relationship with my mother, things I could have done better as a daughter, and things that she did so well, that I should emulate with my own daughters.

If you have a struggling relationship with your mom and would like to set it on a healthier path, you will find Mother-Daughter Duet thought provoking. And if you have daughters who are nearing adulthood or are adults, this is definitely worth reading and culling insights from.

Disclosure: This book was provided for review by the WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group.

Mother- Daughter Duet: Getting to the Relationship You Want with Your Adult Daughter is written by mom Cheri and daughter Ali. This mother-daughter team share the ups and downs of their relationship and freely admit their relationship takes effort to be healthy and close.

I do not have an adult daughter so clearly I am not the target audience for this book. However, I am an adult daughter and I will one day have an adult daughter (and possibly 3 daughters-in-law!) so I thought I might learn something from Cheri and Ali for the future.

After reading the book, and thinking it over for a few days, I have mixed feelings. I can see how Mother - Daughter Duet could be very helpful if you have a strained relationship with your daughter. Cheri and Ali do a great job of revealing areas a mom can work on the relationship from her end; while also reminding the reader not to expect miracles overnight.

One of the things I'm hung up on is that a lot of the descriptions and quotes from daughters struck me as, well... kind of bratty. "Not being stuck as a stay-at-home mom with a bunch of kids to care for like their moms" (my words not theirs) seemed to be a common theme. Frankly, that offends me a little (as a stay-at-home mom of 4).

It seems to be that the overall principle of the book is that Moms should never offer unsolicited advice, opinions or be judgmental when a daughter's choices are contrary to the mom's beliefs. On one hand I agree with that idea but somehow it doesn't sit right with me. What kind of relationship is it if one half is never allowed to express her honest opinion to the other half?

I think moms of adult daughters can learn from Mother - Daughter Duet but should also keep in mind that their mother - daughter relationship is unique and special and treat it as such.

This book was provided for review by the WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group.

Whether you are a mother or a daughter you are going to gain valuable insight, understanding and wisdom from this book.

I read this book from a daughter's standpoint with a mother's heart. What I mean is that as an "adult" daughter...I sadly could see myself in many of the interactions and reactions discussed within this book. As a mother...I read it with open eyes and spirit searching for wisdom for the time my 6 yearolds would be grown women.

I was instantly drawn into the book from Chapter one. Mother-Daughter Duet is not written as "self-help" book but as encouragement for other women.

As a daughter...I sometimes struggle with my mom's desire to still parent me at age 40. Yet, I see that I may be following those footsteps with my own girls. As a mother...I long for the friendship that can be possible when my daughters are grown women with families of their own.

Reading Mother-Daughter Duet gave me such a heart for my mom and for my daughters. Will relationships ever be easy? I doubt it. Women are women...regardless of age...we are intricate, complex and sometimes (especially in my family) stubborn...but it is clear with God's help and guidance we can achieve a success in our friendship and love for and from our mothers and daughters.

I will be keeping this book in my library for reference and encouragement. I know that the tween years are closer then I think...and they will be followed fiercely by the teens and adult hood. I want to make sure that I am fostering a relationship with my twins that will be one that will blossom and in the meantime...tending the relationship with my mom.

Mother Daughter Duet is one of those books that explores things that really concern me. When I see Christian people with difficult relationships with their adult children, I can't help but wonder, is there an underlying cause? What went wrong? What could've they done to prevent it?

And when I see my daughter turning 12 and showing the signs of fierce independence, I can't help but wonder about my relationship with my girls in the future. There is such a delicate line between mothers and daughters in so many areas. A mother's comments can cut like no other, or hit on just the right thing to escalate into battles, bawling, or both. I love the quote at the front of this book:


"We all hope to feel our mother's arm around our shoulders when we're worried, to feel it gently let go when life calms down. It's an intricate duet that moms and daughters dance - one backing off when the other needs space, moving up close when the unfamiliar threatens."- Cathie Krycza


Each issue in this book: (generational differences, letting go, communication, church, forgiveness, and so many more) is tackled by both Cheri Fuller (mother) and Ali Plum (daughter ) so we have their different perspectives. This made the book really unique. The mom would relate an incident, and the daughter would explain what she was feeling about the same situation. Together they have really faced some incredible circumstances. My favorite thing about this book is all the research these two authors did. They really talked to a lot of mothers and daughters about the issues they face. It is nice to me to see the mother-daughter relationship kind of laid out for me in preparation of things to come.

This would be such a great book for so many women I know who are struggling with strained relationships. But, even for those of us who are years ahead of the major issues of this book - there is a wealth of information about what not to do as well.

Believe me, our experience in youth ministry has taught me that when John 16:33 talks about tribulations; he's talking about things like the teen years! For now, this book inspires me to savor the beauty of my relationship with my girls in all its phases! Especially - those phases where they still think I'm great! ;) This book is really well done -and really full of thought-provoking insight!

I wish I had the wisdom years ago that authors Cheri Fuller (Mom) and Ali Plum (daughter) highlight in their book, Mother Daughter Duet. Even though this book is written for mothers and adult daughters, I think it would be very insightful for mothers with younger daughters as well. Instead of learning how to rebuild areas of my relationship with my own daughter, it would have been easier if I knew and applied these principles when she was young. I'm encouraged to know that thankfully I can apply the principles in this book to my relationship now.

I'm always glad when I read a book by a Christian author who shares wisdom learned through enduring the issues of life rather than from an academic platform. The authors, a real mother and daughter team have been there. They aren't writing about how perfect they were. They write about common struggles women face today in their own mother/daughter relationships and how to do life together. Tougher issues like how to deal when your daughter chooses a different lifestyle than you would have chosen for her as well as common everyday stuff issues like how to deal with what they wear and whether or not they need to lose weight. Cheri addresses how the comments we make affect their self-esteem. Cheri writes, "The more we as mothers are dissatisfied with the internal and external women we are, the more we tend to criticize our daughter. Are we seeing our daughters as a reflection of ourselves? And are we projecting our own self-image on them?"

They aren't writing from a "we-did-everything-perfect" attitude. Rather, they spill the beans in the very first chapter. Their transparency breaks the "perfect-Christian-family" mold by disclosing how alcoholism threatened their family. It made me want to listen right off the bat. Maybe we don't have alcoholism, but we all have issues in our families. Cheri speaks to us with a grace-filled attitude of, "Here's what I did wrong and here's what I learned." Ali speaks to us from her perspective of how her mother's actions made her feel. She helps mothers realize how different their culture is than the one we grew up in. Expecting them to conform to the same ideals that shaped our own growing-up years places too many demands on them.

I'm in chapter 5 and can't wait to read the rest!

Whether you're a mother of adult girls or young girls this is a book for you to learn. As a daughter I can glean from it as well, but I think this is primary a tool for mothers to try and learn and keep their relationship open with their daughters.

The neat thing about this book is Cheri and Ali are mother and daughter. You get to hear both sides of the story from them. I really appreciated that because having both sides; it gives you a clearer picture of the whole situation. I also like that they did the research. They talked to a lot of other mothers and daughters not just themselves -- so it comes from a wide base of people.

Cheri talks about the "Mama Bear's heart" in the first chapter which grabbed my attention, because I sure can relate to a mama bear -- that protective nature over her children. My heartstrings were captured and I was drawn deeper into the book -- the process of dealing with the whole relationship and our parts in it as mothers instead of focusing selfishly on our hurt - which is hard to do because there is so much emotion wrapped up in being a mother, isn't there?

Going through this book you'll learn things like how to let go (or at least work on how to let go! lol), understanding her needs, how to believe in her when she's choosing differnt things than you want, respect, boundaries, care for yourself, forgiveness, and ultimately trusting God to be in control.

As Cheri and her daughter say at the end of the book, they aren't in a perfect place, but they are "singing more in tune than ever... sometimes we still get off-key, but as practice makes perfect, we start again and enjoy the beautiful harmonies when we find them."

** Review Copy

As the mother of seven daughters, four of whom I'd consider adults, this book was, of course, of great interest to me. Almost immediately, it seemed to me that the book was headed in the direction of, "When your daughter is an adult, quit treating her like a child. " No, it didn't say that in so many words, but after the introductory chapter about the premise of the book, the first chapter is entitled, Letting Go. I thought this was an excellent point that I see, repeatedly, in many people's lives. No, just because your daughter or son turns eighteen, doesn't mean they're instantly ripped from your family and forced to live an independent life with no input from you. However, long before they turn eighteen, and in the eyes of the law are legal adults responsible for their own decisions and actions, the way we, as parents, relate to them directly impacts our future relationships.

I found some of the examples of expressions of individuality to be a little high on the "if you feel like it, do it" scale and a little low on the "what does the Bible say about it" scale. In fact, the entire book was high on the latest opinion of those in the psychology world and low on Biblical support. Don't get me wrong, the book was full of helpful information, a reminder not to treat things that aren't sin as if they are, and that people are more important than opinions. Your daughter is more important than your preference for her wardrobe. If what she chooses isn't sin, then why are you alienating her over something that isn't sin? I'm one hundred percent behind the authors on that.

One of the things I really cheered this book with was the "LISTEN" chapter. (I think they call it Communication, but I wanted to shout, "YES! LISTEN!" Like all moms, I have opinions. Furthermore, I've lived a whole lot longer than my kids, I've see life and the basics of it don't change as often as media players and computer technology. I think anyone who discards the experience of parents in their quest to prove independence is proving their immaturity by the sheer act of trying to appear mature. However, most of the time, I think it's smart to keep my opinions to myself until I'm asked. You know what? I'm asked a lot. Furthermore, I think my kids listen when I do speak because I didn't foist it on them immediately. I listen. A lot. Sometimes I don't want to listen anymore. I'm tired, I'm sick of hearing the same things over and over when they know what I think. However, I know that if I don't listen today, they won't want to talk tomorrow. So, I suck it up and do the mom thing. I listen. I LOVED how this book encouraged moms to listen. I have so many young women who talk to me about a lot of things simply because I listen and don't make sweeping judgments or pounce on them with opinions. Usually, if I wait long enough, the girl will say, exactly what I as a parent would want to hear, if I let her talk long enough. I wish those mothers would learn that. If mothers got nothing else from this book, it'd be worth it.

I thought the chapter on Weddings was brilliant. You know, I've done the wedding thing. Was it what I would have done if it was my choice? No. However, it wasn't my wedding. Having lived through someone (not my mother) taking over and pushing her idea of what I needed for a wedding onto mine, I was determined not to do that. I threw out ideas and truly released each one as it went. There was little I cared about aside from making sure our guests were safe, comfortable, fed, and we had good pictures of the event. Most of that didn't cause any conflict. Mothers, the wedding is for your daughter, not for you to relive and remake yours. Daughters, your parents are host/hostess. They have guests to consider. If you want something that will reflect poorly on anyone, it's not going to be you- it'll be your parents. Show them the courtesy of ensuring that your choices do not leave them in the position of bad host/hostess. Mom, back off and let them have the wedding THEY choose. If you can't pay for everything, then that's fine, but don't use your wallet as a measuring stick of your approval of her choices. Just sayin'.

Finally, the forgiveness chapter is a great one for any person to read. If you have a relationship in your life, reading that chapter might just help you prevent the need to experience the need to request forgiveness in the first place. Praise the Lord, it can be done.

So, over all, the book had a lot of good information. Most of their supporting information was experiential and psychological rather than Biblically supported, but much of it is still very valid. It will help you with more than just mother/daughter relationships. However, I'd take it with a sprinkling of what God has to say on some of the topics.Mother-Daughter Duet: Getting to the Relationship You Want with Your Adult Daughter

Some of the ideas and content are somewhat helpful.
There is too much emphasis on God...God relationships, asking God for help, giving the situations to God.?? Looking for practical information not religious idealogy. Should have been in a Christian book section.

Was a very good book with alot of useful information between mother and daughters and the different milestones in their life. Had alot of good advice.