Customer Reviews

Mother Shock: Loving Every (Other) Minute of It

5 star:		(47)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

We are a culture that discourages mothers from discussing their doubts, insecurities, fears, and failures as mothers. We want motherhood to seem ordinary, not extraordinary. But to see the heroism in motherhood, we must explode the myth that it is easy and ordinary by acknowledging the dark elements that are part of the whole experience of motherhood. Heroes are recognized as heroic because they do what is difficult, because they venture into the darkness. We need to reveal motherhood in all its shades to counteract what we see in mainstream magazines. Articles like "10 ways to lose the baby weight" and "5 Steps to Making Time for Yourself" trivialize the intense, life-altering heroic adventure that is motherhood. Motherhood is subject worthy of more complex treatment, worthy, even, of literary discussion. MOTHER SHOCK meets this need. I applaud Andi Buchanan's vision, her honesty, her style, and her heroism.

The book is based on an analogy between mother shock and culture shock, which plays out beautifully in the four part structure, with each chapter representing a different stage of mother shock: mother love; mother shock; mother tongue; and mother land. The author defines "mother love" as a honeymoon stage of maternal bliss, "where the newness of the experience is exciting rather than overwhelming." Mother shock, in contrast, is a period when lack of sleep, missing cultural cues, shaky confidence, and unmet expectations combine to create crisis, even postpartum depression. Mother tongue describes a time when mothers become more "acclimated to the routine of living with an infant" and learn to "speak the language." Finally, mother land tells of adjustment to the new role of mother. The journey is worth following.

MOTHER SHOCK is not written in memoir style; rather the individual essays draw from ideas germinated in Buchanan widely syndicated web column, "The Dark Side" on her web site, ... . Quotes and definitions at the beginning of each section set the stage for what follows, and the essays are nicely selected to fit each description. I especially liked that the author didn't stick to chronology. I gained a broader sense of her development as a mother from grouping essays from different time periods together. It made each chapter seem less driven by a "thesis"--to prove this stage of development--and more by a common connecting thread, loosely woven.

In addition, the style is clean, tight, and direct. The pacing is quick, and moves the reader along with grace. The alternating uses of pathos and humor kept me guessing and intrigued, laughing as well as crying. The changes in format, some pieces written in journal style (aka Anne Lamontt), some as lighter, more humorous essays, and some as deeper, more philosophical reflections, helped give the book variety, like a well-made quilt, with parts that harmonize with the whole. The depth of intelligence and insight, too, set this book apart, making it an antidote to the few, careful, personal narrative essays that make it into mainstream magazines in which a mother must face some small failing in herself but in the end, only become a better mother for it. I respect the essays in the book while I don't the ones I read in mainstream magazines because they allow for ambiguity, ambivalence, and complexity. All is not neatly packaged, wrapped up, and prettied up, which makes these essays more literary than journalistic.

Alicia Ostriker says in "A Wild Surmise: Motherhood and Poetry" that "If [we] believe that the activities of motherhood are trivial, tangential to main issues of life, irrelevant to the great themes of literature, [we] should untrain [ourselves]. The training is misogynist, it protects and perpetuates systems of thought and feeling which prefer violence and death to love and birth, and it is a lie." Buchanan debunks the myth that a mother's life is tangential to larger social issues affecting society. She shows us that there are no separate spheres, where mothers and children live protected and safe from the big, bad world. In particular, her essay, "Changed World" explores life as a mother after the events of September 11th, 2001, and "Forgetting" discusses the fear a mother feels as she faces the thought of her child's death. In "The Concert" and "Piano Lessons," Buchanan links motherhood to her career as a professional musician. Buchanan's exploration of the common creative connection in making music and raising children caught my attention as one of the better discussions of the similarities between mothering and art I've seen. In "Zen Mom, Beginner Mom" she shows how the practice of Zen helps and parallels motherhood. Throughout the book, she shows a woman engaged with the great themes of literature through her work as a mother.

I also appreciated the bold honesty with which the author addresses her early desire to suddenly return to her old life without baby in "Giving Birth to Ambivalence." Mothers need to hear this and need to talk about it. Like a good friend who speaks only in truths, MOTHER SHOCK drew me in and offered me a cup of coffee. I felt that I got to sit at the big table with all the other moms, talking of grown up woman things.

Yet, all is not serious. In fact, one of the delights of this book is its humor. "Loving Every (Other) Minute of It" includes a delightful list of what mothers don't love about being mothers. Each line starts with, "I don't love every minute of" and goes to on include such activities as watching Elmo, getting sleep interrupted, doing laundry, singing the Barney song, and picking up blocks. In "I am an Idiot," the author describes her attempt to take her baby to a business lunch meeting, which ended up with "general freaking out and ketchup-flinging on Emi's part and near tears on mine." "A Fine Mess" takes on a study that says higher achieving children come from cleaner homes. And "Fear of the Double Stroller" pokes fun at the author's fear of her work load doubling with another child. All address serious subjects with a lightness of touch that is refreshing and laugh inducing.

Since I became a mother of an active toddler, I don't often find books I can't put down, but I found myself running after my little Sarah with this book in hand. Thank you, Andrea Buchanan for this much-needed book that shows that motherhood can be the subject of literature.

I thought I was ready for motherhood - how hard could this be? I was very unprepared and once in it, felt alone, not understood by my husband and a guilty because I wasn't enjoying it as much as I thought I was supposed to. This book brought me back. I was in the book store with my baby, thumbing through books and picked up this one. I happened to open to one page that read as it if were my life. I was so overwhelmed to see it, to finally have SOMEONE understand (even if a book), that I broke down crying in the store. Needless to say, I bought the book and read it right away. It really changed how I felt about being a mother and sort of opened up the world to me to let me know that I was not the only one having a hard time. And from then on, things got easier and I was happier. A definite must have for all moms and moms-to-be. Now, I too am looking for a double stroller :)

Just a side note, I also read Anne Lamont's Operating Instructions. I prefered Mother Shock, mostly because Operating Instructions gets depressing in the end. It switches from talking about her new baby to her best, best friend who is diagnosed with cancer, becomes very ill and eventually passes away. I didn't need anything that heavy when I was looking for mothering support and/or humor.

I very much enjoyed my reading of Mother Shock. The author reported honestly on many feelings I think many mothers have---how it seems incredible how routine childbirth is to the hospital personnel, how sometimes once the babies start talking and walking you wonder how you ever thought it was hard when they couldn't yet, how great it feels the first time you realize that you are actually being understood by your child--and much more.

I did feel that the structure of the book could have been a bit better. It has the feel of so many books I've read lately---like it started as a collection of essays and was mushed together into a book. Baby Emily jumps in age back and forth, events don't occur in sequence, and I always think with just a touch of editing (which the author does for a living) this would feel more like a complete book and less like a collection of columns.

Also, although this is really a compliment and not a complaint, I don't think the book really was as much about mother shock as just about mothering in general, well-written mothering! I read it expecting much more about how hard the early years with a baby were, and found instead a mother that has pretty typical bad and good days and hours, but overall seems to be quite into the whole mothering scene---which was nice!

I look forward to more writing from this author---perhaps a book about how she decided to give up on being a concert pianist?

Primarily anecdotal in nature, Mother Shock takes us into the world of first-time parenting, and the roller-coaster ride this most major of life transitions. Andrea Buchanan gently touches on every overwhelming aspect of new motherhood from "fear of the double stroller" to "I'm an idiot" and the myriad emotions in between that envelop us as we enter the world of parenthood (ambivalence, confusion, elation, depression, fatigue, doubt, and elation again). What impressed me most about Buchanan's writing was her beautiful analogy with parenting being similar to entering a foreign country: not being able to speak the language, not knowing where you're going or how to get there. There is real sense of comraderie and humor opening the book with such a powerful parallel that we can all relate to as new parents. She writes with brutal honesty, real compassion, (at all times steering clear of martyrdom), and injects a healthy dose of humor into the lives of stressed out new parents who desperately need to be uplifted in the early days of parenting. A good (and quick) read for new parents who haven't got the time to get past page one of anything!

FINALLY! A real account of motherhood, what an absoulte blessing. I am saving my copy in a special place to give to my own two daughters when they are ready to have children. It was like Andrea had read my mind and carefully pulled out my deepest feelings, my darkest fears. As the mother of three, at times I have felt completely alone. After reading Mother Shock I am relieved to know that I am not the only one who has found motherhood to be the best and the worst experience all rolled up into one messy, lovely little package.

AWESOME BOOK!!! It is the whole truth and nothing but the truth! Having a baby is a wonderful thing, but its HARD, and no one is really honest about how hard it is. This book tells it like it is and allows you to laugh at all those terribly difficult times. It also helps you realize that you are not alone - most women have felt the same EXACT things you are. I wish I had read this before having my baby - I wouldn't have been so hard on myself. I now buy this book for all my pregnant friends. If you are pregnant or have a newborn (even if its not your first)... you really should read this. I think you'll love it!

I devoured Mother Shock in the deranged two weeks after my son was born, when all I could do was marvel that continually breastfeeding one largely sleeping small human could be such an exhausting, overwhelming, depressing, sleep depriving and elating state of being. Found it incredibly helpful, in a clumsy, one-handed reading while behind an infant-laden boppy way. The single greatest gift of those early days was getting validation of the ambivalence, boredom, confusion and anger as well as the socially acceptable wonderful emotions.

I'm docking one star because of the way I ran across the book: having my eyes checked for retinopathy caused by undetected diabetes that nearly killed both me and my unborn child. The opthamologist was leant over my 7 month sized belly examining me for permanent damage, when he produced a post-it note and mentioned that I might like to read his wife's wonderful new book, the details of which he just so happened to have on said post-it... Cheeky, cheeky man (but nice to see him so overwhelmingly proud of his spouse).

As a new mom of a 4-month old baby, I have been overwhelmed (to say the least) at the transformation of my own personality when becoming a "mama". I felt that Buchanan's book was a beautifully honest articulation of the things that many new moms feel when they become parents. It offers a few suggestions on coping strategies, but its main strength is its reassurance that others feel as I sometimes do about the workload (both physical and mental) of mothering, and that it is ok not to love every minute of it, but that you can still be a 'good' mom if you love "every (other) minute of it." Kudos to Buchanan for her bravery in writing about such a personal experience and for getting it out there so others can feel validated in their thoughts on becoming a mother, too.

I personally thought this book was great and it seems very honest, although I wouldn't know, I don't have kids yet.
But I gave it to a pregnant friend who said the tone was really quite depressing and she might prefer to read it AFTER the baby was born.
Another friend who'd had a baby said she couldn't relate, and that she'd coped quite well with her baby - maybe she was just lucky.
All in all, yes, some of the book was depressing, but I'm kind of expecting the first few months of having a baby to be both depressing and fabulous, so good on her for being honest and telling it ALL..not just the Hallmark moments!

Being only in my first trimester, I cannot rate this book based on its correspondence to my own mothering experience. However, I can say that I found it emotionally stirring and hilariously funny at the same time, and I am very glad I read it.

It is not for the timid or for those who believe that motherhood is one joyful moment after another. It is perfect for people who want to see how one intelligent woman braved motherhood and came out with new insights to share about herself, and about other mothers.

Please note: This is NOT a how-to manual. It is not meant as a parenting or pregnancy guidance book, nor was intended to be. It is a highly personal series of essays about the sometimes uneasy process of adjusting from woman to mother.