Motherhood Optional: A Psychological Journey [Hardcover]

Barbara Aria (Author), Phyllis O. Ziman Tobin (Author)

Book Description

ISBN-10: 0765701278 | ISBN-13: 978-0765701275 | Publication Date: June 1, 1998 | Edition: First Edition, First Printing

Reminding women that motherhood is an option, not a given (much less an instinct), New York psychotherapist Phyllis Ziman Tobin contends that choosing to be or not to be a mother is the defining rite of passage for today's woman. She draws on the composite struggles of real people to show how the dilemma is rooted in unexamined assumptions about normalcy, fear of change and loss of control, and the not always audible voices of our own mothers. Dr. Tobin challenges mental health professionals to recognize that coming to terms with the motherhood question is an act of maturation proper to every woman, an opportunity for self-creation. She herself recognizes that, for women who find themselves infertile or uncoupled or unconventionally situated, the question is compounded and painfully revisited as reproductive technology fails, adoption is considered, time passes. Whichever option a woman ultimately selects, she loses something, Dr. Tobin acknowledges - yet she gains by weighing the fear of now against the fear of never and being the agent instead of the victim of her regrets.

Editorial Reviews

From Kirkus Reviews

It's okay not to have children, it's okay to have children, but it's not okay to follow blindly in your mother's footsteps, according to Tobin, a psychotherapist who also debunks the idea that ``it's in a woman's nature to want . . . babies.'' Then in seeming contradiction, Tobin goes on to state that in choosing whether or not to be a mother, ``we define ourselves in the most important way a woman can.'' That's a troubling statement, setting women up once again to be interpreted in terms of the uterus, whether or not it is used for growing babies. Arguing that women are far less free to choose whether or not to have a baby than conventional wisdom suggests, Tobin goes on to examine both cultural issues (having a child is ``normal'' or ``natural'') and personal ones (losing control of the toned body, the successful job, the satisfying relationship). Like many psychotherapists, she offers more questions than answers, encouraging the reader to do the work. Incorporating cursory and unconvincing case histories, the book begins with the toughest questions, like ``Who am I?'' and ``What makes me a woman?'' and goes on to ``Will I get fat?'' and ``Why . . . do we consider childless women selfish?'' The most revealing answers, according to the author, come when the question is reframed from ``Do I want to have a baby?'' to ``Do I want to be a mother?'' The answer is frequently a pained ``I don't want to be my mother.'' The emphasis is on digging to unearth what others have called the ``true'' self. Tobin also explores the rugged road of infertility treatments, as well as both the positive and negative sides of being ``childfree'' and of mothering. A perfunctory and ambiguous road map for the often heart-wrenching voyage into self-awareness that more and more women are facing. -- Copyright ©1998, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.

Review

This is a book about making choices, and it is in making our life choices that we create ourselves. No choice in life is any more significant than the decision to parent or not to parent, and Motherhood Optional shows us that in making that decision a woman gives birth to her very self. The book will help all women, as well as the men in their lives, to better understand the struggles and conflicts, the longings and dreads, that go into the decision. Whether she be a young married woman who does not want to be like her own mother, an older woman considering single parenthood, or a lesbian in a committed relationship, Dr. Tobin's sensitive, affirmative, nonjudgmental approach will guide her through the wide range of issues that play a role in her decision to become a mother or remain child-free. (Lewis Aron, Ph.D )

Product Details

• Hardcover: 168 pages
• Publisher: Jason Aronson, Inc.; First Edition, First Printing edition (June 1, 1998)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0765701278
• ISBN-13: 978-0765701275
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.4 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 15.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (2 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,813,667 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Hardly for those considering NOT to be mothers, July 8, 1999

By 

[e-mail] (Israel) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Motherhood Optional: A Psychological Journey (Hardcover)

I am 4/5 through the book. I thought I was about to be enlightened, by being presented with an equal view of those who decided to BE mothers, and those who decided NOT to be. I am dissapointed to find that near reaching the last 1/5 of the book, among about 10 stories of women who have decided to become mothers, only one was of a woman who chose not to. Another bothersome point was the fact the thruogh most of the book, the topic of the economic weight a child brings was not discussed AT ALL. I was impressed that all (or most?) of the featured women were very well off economically. Or, perhaps it is the American work morals that are taken for granted (i.e. willing to spend the other part of life working hard to hold that family).

2 of 4 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars very readable discussion of motherhood as a choice, April 23, 1998

By A Customer

This review is from: Motherhood Optional: A Psychological Journey (Hardcover)

This book is a must for any woman considering having children. Very clear readable discussion of motherhood as a choice. Discusses ambivalance about motherhood and what that ambivalance may be telling you.