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Mothering Without a Map: The Search for the Good Mother Within Paperback – February 22, 2005


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Mothering Without a Map: The Search for the Good Mother Within + The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed + Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 304 pages
  • Publisher: Penguin Books; Reprint edition (February 22, 2005)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0143034863
  • ISBN-13: 978-0143034865
  • Product Dimensions: 8.5 x 5.5 x 0.7 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (17 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #560,344 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Black (In the Shadow of Polio: A Personal and Social History), whose mother became too ill to care for her when Black was four and died when she was six, questions how being a motherless daughter affects her ability to relate to her children. Starting from the premise that "nothing... exerts an influence on how a woman raises a child as powerfully as does her own mother," Black sifts through her own feelings, searches through psychological literature, and interviews 50 women between the ages of 20 and 70 about the effects of being under-mothered. Although Black acknowledges that others can sometimes step in to fill the void left by a mother who is absent from her daughter's life because of illness, alcoholism, drug abuse or death, her focus never waivers from what happens when the mother-daughter tie tears and the daughter is left without a role model. Unlike Hope Edelman in Motherless Daughters, Black is less interested in the loss itself than in its effects on mothering, which, in her case, made her wait until she was in her 40s to have children. Black views good mothering as satisfying a child's five basic needs laid out by psychologist Abraham Maslow ("physiological, safety, love, esteem and self-actualization") and is careful to concede "there is no right way to mother." While psychological jargon like "allomother" or "insecure attachment" can obscure Black's point, her interview subjects offer other women afraid of motherhood reassurance that it is possible to be a good mother without having experienced good mothering.
Copyright 2003 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

Kathryn Black writes with personal and professional authority about an important topic. She’s an excellent writer with fresh, positive ideas. -- Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia

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Customer Reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
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This book is well written and thought provoking.
Jaura
It helped me to take credit for the good that I've been trying to do, convinced me that I have been doing what I set out to do when it is so easy to doubt myself.
Rainbow
Kathryn's book helps put your mother's past into perspective so that you can understand your childhood better and move on to break the cycle with your children.
Janna Bushaw Crist

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

23 of 23 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on April 29, 2004
Format: Hardcover
Mothering Without a Map changed my life. Until reading this book, I knew that something was wrong with the way I was raised - that I never felt safe or unconditionally loved - but I couldn't pinpoint the problem. Kathryn Black put my feelings into words. This book helped me to work through my anger toward my parents and come to a place of greater compassion. They're still not good for me, but I now have a peace about the state of our relationship and about my past. I can appreciate and emulate the positive things they did for me while accepting and moving past the negative. Before I avoided any of their behavior all together for fear that I would repeat the cycle of "undermothering." After reading this book, I can move forward with greater understanding and confidence in my mothering abilities. If you want a book that can truly turn your life around, this is it. Thank you Kathryn for putting together such a wonderful book!
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20 of 21 people found the following review helpful By E. DePeace on August 22, 2004
Format: Hardcover
I recommend without equivocation. "Mothering Without a Map" by Kathryn Black is not only well written -- excellent structure, suspenseful writing -- it is eye-opening in its conclusions. It goes beyond the thesis in "Motherless Daughters." Even if you had/have an excellent mother, and even if you like your own mothering style, I guarantee there will moments of insight for you.

Most of all I marvel at Black's balance in her information; under any other writer, this book would feel like the usual blame-the-mother for all of the world's ills. But Black, through humor and empathy, makes the deficits all mothers have surmountable and understandable.

Plus, you've got to see this bibliography at the end of book --

thousands of sources.
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19 of 20 people found the following review helpful By Amazon Fan on February 10, 2004
Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase
I enjoyed reading this book. I picked it up looking for straightforward advice on how to be a better parent with limited role models available to me but instead found myself learning lessons of a different sort.
As many of the women in this book, I felt the pain of inadequate support from my mother. I have been forced to distance myself from an unsupportive and often destructive mother. The baggage from the loss of her own mother and the unresolved issues of her childhood have contorted her into an unhappy, joyless and often mean adult.
Through this book I have been given a different perspective on what it might have been like for her to grow up without a mother at all and why that would have been so difficult for her. I find my perspective has softened a little and my curiosity and sympathy have been awakened toward her. I find myself wondering about what she was missing and how it might have contributed to who she has become.
I think the best message that I received from this book is that it is possible to be an ordinary good mother even if you didn't have one yourself.
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12 of 13 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on July 16, 2004
Format: Hardcover
As both a mother and a therapist who works with mothers, I was thrilled to find this book because of the gaping hole it fills on parenting bookshelves. It provides hope and reassurance that becoming a 'good mother' even when we've been under-mothered is both worth doing and do-able. I was impressed with the way the author connects some of the women's stories with relevant research information in a gentle way. It is a unique and timely book written for a generation of mothers who want to raise their children differently than they were raised but are not completely sure how to do that.
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5 of 6 people found the following review helpful By Susan Wakefield on March 5, 2005
Format: Hardcover
Black has excelled in this beautiful exploration of motherhood, and of what it means to nurture, to give, to love and be loved. Her sensitive and forgiving insight into the tangled job of mothering - whether undermothered, abandoned, or still very present in our lives - gives us all a psychological glimpse into the patterns of past, present and future mothering styles, the enormity of the role, and its impact on our development - with Maslow's hierarchy as a strong foundation. Black gives us heavy, but digestable information, and follows up with the compassion, humor, wisdom, and soft space required for us to fall. My new number one resource on all things parenting - an essential read.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful By Tara Ann Wilson on January 12, 2013
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I grew up with a mentally ill mother and then in and out of foster homes and placement/girls homes. I now have three daughters of my own. I often find myself wondering what I am doing and if I am doing it correctly. This book was inspiring, it often put me in my place or "called me out', I found myself searching within myself for answers and after I finished it, I started it all over again. More than anything, I want to succeed at mothering my children. While I know that one book wont do this tasks for me, this book did help me answer a lot of personal questions and it shed some light on some of the darker thing in my past.
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By Carol K. Snyder on December 10, 2013
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
This is a very informative book. It is heartfelt and personal, yet also very researched based. I hope the person I bought it for will find it helpful.
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Format: Paperback
I knew I needed to raise my children differently, and this book provided examples of women who did. One of my favorite quotes was something to the effect of success means our kids will need less therapy than we did. For actual parenting techniques, there are lots of great books out there, but for those of us who need the courage to believe that we are capable of using those techniques, this book will stay in your mind long after you've forgotten the five S's.
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