Mothering Without a Map: The Search for the Good Mother Within [Hardcover]

Kathryn Black (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 22, 2004

Every woman’s most powerful maternal role model is her own mother. But what about women who grew up feeling “undermothered”—whose mothers were absent, distracted, emotionally distant, depressed, or fell short in some vital way? How are they to become the good mothers they aspire to be?

Kathryn Black, whose own mother’s early death inspired her award-winning book, In the Shadow of Polio, probed for answers from experts in psychiatry and psychoanalysis, developmental psychology and social work, biology and anthropology. Black asks: Why are some people able to transcend troubled childhoods and lead satisfying lives and others are not? Through the voices of ordinary women across the country, in all stages and ages of mothering, she learns that there are ways to become a good mother without having had one of one’s own. A beautifully articulate blend of memoir, research, and moving interviews with mothers and daughters, Mothering Without a Map is a powerful and self-affirming book that shows how “wounded daughters” can indeed become “healing mothers.”

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Black (In the Shadow of Polio: A Personal and Social History), whose mother became too ill to care for her when Black was four and died when she was six, questions how being a motherless daughter affects her ability to relate to her children. Starting from the premise that "nothing... exerts an influence on how a woman raises a child as powerfully as does her own mother," Black sifts through her own feelings, searches through psychological literature, and interviews 50 women between the ages of 20 and 70 about the effects of being under-mothered. Although Black acknowledges that others can sometimes step in to fill the void left by a mother who is absent from her daughter's life because of illness, alcoholism, drug abuse or death, her focus never waivers from what happens when the mother-daughter tie tears and the daughter is left without a role model. Unlike Hope Edelman in Motherless Daughters, Black is less interested in the loss itself than in its effects on mothering, which, in her case, made her wait until she was in her 40s to have children. Black views good mothering as satisfying a child's five basic needs laid out by psychologist Abraham Maslow ("physiological, safety, love, esteem and self-actualization") and is careful to concede "there is no right way to mother." While psychological jargon like "allomother" or "insecure attachment" can obscure Black's point, her interview subjects offer other women afraid of motherhood reassurance that it is possible to be a good mother without having experienced good mothering.
Copyright 2003 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Review

“Kathryn Black writes with personal and professional authority about an important topic. She’s an excellent writer with fresh, positive ideas. She integrates history, psychology, anthropology and common sense. Best of all she is kind to mothers and to daughters.” (Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia)

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 288 pages
• Publisher: Viking Adult; Ex-Library edition (January 22, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0670032662
• ISBN-13: 978-0670032662
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.5 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.4 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (10 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #720,962 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Discover books, learn about writers, read author blogs, and more.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

18 of 18 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars I cannot say enough about this book!, April 29, 2004

By A Customer

This review is from: Mothering Without a Map: The Search for the Good Mother Within (Hardcover)

Mothering Without a Map changed my life. Until reading this book, I knew that something was wrong with the way I was raised - that I never felt safe or unconditionally loved - but I couldn't pinpoint the problem. Kathryn Black put my feelings into words. This book helped me to work through my anger toward my parents and come to a place of greater compassion. They're still not good for me, but I now have a peace about the state of our relationship and about my past. I can appreciate and emulate the positive things they did for me while accepting and moving past the negative. Before I avoided any of their behavior all together for fear that I would repeat the cycle of "undermothering." After reading this book, I can move forward with greater understanding and confidence in my mothering abilities. If you want a book that can truly turn your life around, this is it. Thank you Kathryn for putting together such a wonderful book!

18 of 18 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Well researched hope for the undermothered, February 10, 2004

By 

Amazon Fan "wneu" (Cincinnati, OH United States) - See all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: Mothering Without a Map: The Search for the Good Mother Within (Hardcover)

I enjoyed reading this book. I picked it up looking for straightforward advice on how to be a better parent with limited role models available to me but instead found myself learning lessons of a different sort.
As many of the women in this book, I felt the pain of inadequate support from my mother. I have been forced to distance myself from an unsupportive and often destructive mother. The baggage from the loss of her own mother and the unresolved issues of her childhood have contorted her into an unhappy, joyless and often mean adult.
Through this book I have been given a different perspective on what it might have been like for her to grow up without a mother at all and why that would have been so difficult for her. I find my perspective has softened a little and my curiosity and sympathy have been awakened toward her. I find myself wondering about what she was missing and how it might have contributed to who she has become.
I think the best message that I received from this book is that it is possible to be an ordinary good mother even if you didn't have one yourself.

17 of 18 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Insightful and practical, August 22, 2004

By 

E. DePeace (New Orleans, LA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Mothering Without a Map: The Search for the Good Mother Within (Hardcover)

I recommend without equivocation. "Mothering Without a Map" by Kathryn Black is not only well written -- excellent structure, suspenseful writing -- it is eye-opening in its conclusions. It goes beyond the thesis in "Motherless Daughters." Even if you had/have an excellent mother, and even if you like your own mothering style, I guarantee there will moments of insight for you.

Most of all I marvel at Black's balance in her information; under any other writer, this book would feel like the usual blame-the-mother for all of the world's ills. But Black, through humor and empathy, makes the deficits all mothers have surmountable and understandable.

Plus, you've got to see this bibliography at the end of book --
thousands of sources.