Customer Reviews

A Moveable Marriage: Relocate Your Relationship without Breaking It

5 star:		(8)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

Robin Pascoe`s self-assigned task in her book is to validate, inform and empower the accompanying spouses of employees in foreign postings. First of all, it is a helpful revelation to know this is necessary, that there is a strong possiblilty that the needs of these spouses will go unmet and cause distress.

Robin does us spouses living abroad a great service. In addition to providing an insightful foreword by a wise couples therapist and a useful list of book and website resources at the end, in the eight chapters from "Moveable Marriages 101" through "Isolation and Dependence," "Dual Career Challenges," to "Restoring Balance in a Moveable Marriage," she shows us how she and her husband have adjusted and strengthened their marriage through many relocations and how she has come to have a positive attitude toward change.

What helped and touched me even more than the expertise Robin shares from her experience and research on the subject of relocation is her vulnerable authenticity in describing and accepting her own and her husband`s real feelings, shortcomings, mistakes ... and resulting insights. This book was written by a real woman and wife about her real marriage to a real man and husband. Both partners shine through the pages with their positive and sometimes limited attitudes and timings intact. Their commitment to each other and to their marriage is the strong thread that doesn`t break in spite of frazzling times. This is simply uplifting to read about as an example to follow. It is encouraging to know that, as Carl Rogers said, "we can be all of our experience," and that we can even be that together!

For example, Robin writes that she had felt her husband`s biggest "crime" was "his good fortune to have an identity that both elevated and inspired him." Later, when he asked her what would make her happy, she couldn`t admit to him it would make her happy for him to be a little less happy. These passages taken together show that a successful marriage is about both partners having an identity that elevates and inspires, and about both of them being committed to supporting each other in developing such an identity.

Every adjustment in life we make takes its toll in stress. Robin writes that relocation, along with death and divorce, is at the top of the list of life-altering, traumatic change. However, stress within limits is a good thing. Only if it overpowers our capabilities or continues too long does it become distress. Since the two human conditions having the most potential for producing distress are impotence (in the sense of being required to act but lacking the authority or ability to do so) and isolation, we see what a critical situation a moved marriage can be in. Robin gives researched and home-tested suggestions for preventing distress, especially in the transition period to a "new life abroad."

I wish I had had this book to read all those years ago when I first came to Germany, especially during the distressful in-between time after leaving Texas and before feeling settled here. It would have taught me what I have had to learn through stumbling and suffering: a steady, humorous acceptance of the ups and downs of living a marriage in a foreign environment; the conviction that my marriage is more precious and fragile than any of my possessions so deserves my best care, time and efforts; the realization that I am responsible for my own fulfillment as a person in the context of my family life and the demands of my surrroundings; the trust that I will be loved and supported in this endeavor as I love and support my husband; and, best of all, that my husband and I are allowed to learn slowly and make mistakes and can still be, not only accepted and valued, but eventually even fulfilled and successful.

One of the best lines I ever read in a book review was written by our daughter for 8th grade English class in her German school about Sue Townsend`s The Diary of Adrian Mole. Isabelle wrote: "I have read this book eight times and have laughed every time." I will go back to Robin Pascoe`s A Moveable Marriage again and again and am looking forward to reading her three previous books on successful living abroad and repatriation. I like it that the last word in A Moveable Marriage is "love."

Mary Susan Westhoff
August 2003

I am an American person-centered counselor based in Düsseldorf, Germany, with a special interest in intercultural living and identity.

Having lived the life of a relocated wife for over 3 years now, this is the first book I've read that really gets to the nitty gritty of the marital challenges associated with supporting a husband's moveable career. Not only does Robin tackle issues most couples and girlfriends wouldn't dare discuss - like sex, money, resentment, career, children, indifference, resignation and even depression - she talks about them with alarming clarity and common sense. It's obvious she has lived the life she writes about and that she has survived what we often think is unsurvivable in a relocated marriage. There is a real sense that she has indeed experienced every circumstance she covers in the book and at times it often seems as though she is reading one's mind about the real issues we confront. If you've ever felt that no one truly understood your isolation and loneliness as the relocated spouse of a high flying moveable husband then this book will help you not only understand that your feelings are normal, but also provide tools, tips and strategies for dealing with your emotions and practical daily challenges. This is a book dedicated to the betterment of a healthy marriage during a domestic or international relocation. If your marriage is undergoing a geographical transition, I recommend you read this book before you depart, and pick it up again once you arrive. You can only benefit from Robin's wisdom - and at the same time do yourself a huge favour by not enduring the experience alone.

...

Robin Pascoe's book is a treat, a candid recounting of moving her own marriage around the world for years, following her diplomat spouse to his assignments. She writes frankly about their ups and downs, and talks openly about her own feelings of at times being left out, neglected by her hubby's employer. She also writes extensively on what worked. The last point is very important, because despite being handled like day-old durian (Robin) and toasted in print like cheap bread (Robin's husband), the two remain happily married and the rest of us can benefit from their example.

In addition to the first-person tales (and I'll admit, they are gossipy enough to keep this very, very readable without plopping into radio psych melodrama), the author also weaves in stories from other women, and, to keep it from being just a witch session, quotes from experts on moving, psychology, divorce, culture shock and the like.

The book is funny, reminding you that "in the absence of new women to hang out with, many relocated women start speaking with their husbands over coffee. But know this: your husband is not your girlfriend!" She wonders at one point whether her lifestyle made her a "single parent without dating privileges." Later Robin demands from her constantly-traveling husband "do you really come home to see me and the kids or just for clean shirts and sex?"

...

There aren't loads of good books out there on what to do when your spouse comes home and announces that his or her job will be relocating your lives, and your relationship, overseas. I read this book before I moved to Shanghai, and the potential issues she mentions really scared me! However, I was glad she both opened my eyes and empowered me with suggestions.

Robin Pascoe offers her experienced viewpoint in A Moveable Marriage. The book explores the effects of expat life on the key aspects of relationships. While some people find the tone too pessimistic, the book does have a healthy dose of humor and Pascoe does offer a significant amount of helpful information and numerous worthwhile suggestions. Though every situation is unique to that couple, Pascoe's general analyses are useful, and readers can still learn by thinking about other couples' challenges. Her main argument is that the difficulties couples face create opportunities for them to strengthen and grow as partners. Each chapter tackles a potential issue that may have intensified as a result of an international relocation. As readers might expect, the book is mainly geared toward women, as the majority of trailing spouses are women. However, men may still find it worth a read.

Pascoe is a Canadian reporter who writes on global living. She has written three other books on the subject of relocated relationships. Her goal is to provide useful ideas and to empower women to take charge of their moved marriages. To gather information for A Moveable Marriage, she conducted a survey--hard copy and via her website--and focus groups. Her husband is a Canadian government diplomat. Check out her website at [...]

I bought this book in preparation for my upcoming move to support my fiance's job, thinking that it would be what the title suggests: a "how to" on successful relocation. Unfortunately, what I got was page after depressing page of what Pascoe presents as a reality check. When I was done with the book, I felt hopeless, depressed and miserable. I even missed my own birthday party because I was lying in bed crying all day and telling my poor fiance that I was going to have to break up with him rather than endure the anger, disempowerment, loss of identity, career destruction, depression, and loneliness that I would surely find in our new home-away-from-home. Even the few stories of hope or fun presented in this book were prefaced by caveats and included lines such as "after I got over my hangover, we had a great vacation." Precious little time was spent on real advice, which can be summarized by the following: try to find some friends, communicate with your partner about the issues, seek counseling if things go sour, get a lawyer who specializes in international divorce if your husband cheats or abuses you, set up a separate bank account, etc. Sorry Robin Pascoe, this just was too depressing. If you want a reality check on all of the bad things that you might feel when you relocate, get this book - it is probably accurate. But, if you want a how-to on strengthening your marriage, get something by John Gottman, like the 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.

As you may know, Robin Pascoe, the self-acclaimed "expat expert", is a highly credible figure in the whole expat/relocation world. She's probably written more books in this genre than anyone. At least anyone I've ever heard of.

I first read this book a couple of years ago, after already spending several years on the expat circuit as a trailing spouse. I enjoyed the book a lot and related to a lot of Robin's experiences and her great 'real' advice. But it wasn't until I lent this book to a new friend, who had only been in Mexico for 8 months or so, that I realised what an impact it could have on newcomers...

My friend read the book, then came and asked me if I had any more books by Robin Pascoe. She then went on to admit that she never knew anyone else felt like she did, and that she had been taking medication for some time now, to deal with all of the feelings that she thought were just 'hers' and hers alone. After all, she hadn't really become involved with many other expats yet and how else could she know that what she was experiencing was just 'normal' for an expat? To my friend, Robin's book was a lifesaver. True story.

(Sorry I didn't write this review earlier. I only just found my very old note to write up an Amazon review.)

Regards, Andrea Martins, Director, ExpatWomen.com.

For the first time since before I had children, I've read a whole book in one day.

I didn't intend to, I just got carried away. And although it meant neglecting the more trivial needs of my usually well cared for offspring, it was definitely worth it.
A Moveable Marriage by Expat Expert Robin Pascoe, is not just a book, it's a bible - nay, a lifeline - for any wife following her husband (and his career) around the globe, who feels like she's sometimes drowning in the mire.

Pascoe spent two decades being posted to far-flung Asian cities as the wife of a Canadian diplomat, and has since gone on to become something of an authority on the trials and tribulations of international relocations, and living life overseas.

In A Moveable Marriage she puts the expat marriage under the microscope and explores every conceivable issue faced by both spouses, and the enormous stresses inflicted on the wife as she takes on an integral, but often invisible and thankless role in moving the whole family from one place to another.

With often inadequate company support, limited help from the working spouse (whose priority is to get stuck into the new job), and no old friends and family network to fall back on, relocating can be an ordeal for wives especially when children are involved.

If you've experienced the gamut of emotions that can plague an expat wife such as: mourning the loss of your professional identity; loathing financial dependency and you're sick to death of taking sole responsibility for the endless tedious domestic tasks, then you'll know why I couldn't put this down!

A Moveable Marriage offers an amusing insight and helpful advice from someone who's been there, done it all, and bought a few t-shirts along the way.

Robin's book, A Moveable Marriage, offers readers of any ethnical background valuable advice on how to maintain a successful long-term relationship in today's demanding global work environment. Her first-hand experiences on the subject matter and her no-nonsense approach to life and marriage make this book a unique resource for couples that are moving inbound or outbound. Robin's wisdom shines throughout her book.
Angela Huang, US CPA, author of The CPA Woman (tm), career coach

Did you know that the divorce rate among expatriates is an additional 50% higher than the national average?

Kudos to Robin Pascoe for serving up a reality check on a sensitive subject with a side dish of humor. As a person who has "been there, done that" I highly recommend that both husband and wife read this book. It will give married couples plenty to chew on before expatriating.

Excellent book for future or present expats. The author is brutally honest and forthright about what challenges lay ahead when you move your marriage to another country. It is specifically aimed at women who leave their jobs/careers behind following their husband as he pursues his career. Includes many humorous anecdotal stories and numerous resource links. Excellent read for expats, "trailing spouses" and their families.