Customer Reviews

Multicultural Manners: Essential Rules of Etiquette for the 21st Century

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I wish that everyone would read this book, just to be aware that different cultures have different mores, and if someone is "foreign" to you, their manners may seem very odd. It is necessary not to jump to conclusions. Of course, since so much of communication is non-verbal, it's also difficult not to.

Obviously, one cannot adopt a single set of manners that would suit all people since people often have opposite customs. I worked with one group of people that hated to have money left on the counter, and another that preferred to have money left on the counter, and it was hard to remember to switch. Dresser notes that not all people from one country have the same customs, and as people live in the US for a few generations, they may forget ethnic customs. She tells a story on herself: visiting Hmong-Americans, she insists on removing her shoes, only to find out that the family has dropped that custom. Fortunately, I think most people appreciate the attempt to be polite, even if one stumbles from time to time.

The book is told mainly in the form of anecdotes about cultural miscommunications, with explanations of customs of various societies. After this is a section listing many, although not all individual countries. This is followed by an extensive bibliography and an index.

The index is one of the weakest points of the book. If one wants to use the book to learn customs for a specific group of people, the cross-indexing is erratic. If one is looking for Iranian customs, one also needs to look up Muslim and Middle-Easterners, but there are no cross references for this, although there are for some entries.

A useful book, if one is going to be interacting with a known group of people. Otherwise, at least a reminder that customs vary.

I found this book to have a major flaw in it's organization. There is a useful information about the customs and mannerisms of people from various cultures, but it is arranged by subject rather than by location. For instance, information about people from Taiwan might be located in several sections throughout the book, within sections such as "Greetings", "Holidays", etc. Each of these sections contains very brief information about the topic as it pertains to people from a few (not all) different countries. I find this layout to be very problematic. If I am in need of information about a different culture, most likely because I am either travelling to a certain country or will be interacting with a person from a certain country, it would be much easer to have information organized by location. One section on "Taiwan", etc., rather than having to look in multiple places throughout the book for what ends up being a sentence or two worth of limited information.

I teach a cultural psychology class and this book is a wonderful reference for the class. I also read excerpts to the class as we discuss the various topics in their text. If you are a traveler to other countries, this book is a must.

"Like so many examples of cultural miscommunication, no one was wrong and no one was right. Each side responded according to its own cultural traditions. Each group interpreted behavior of the other group based on completely different sets of cultural norms. It is easy to misjudge the behavior of those whose cultural backgrounds are different." p. 152

It is rare that you will never interact with a person from another culture, whether that person is a recent immigrant, a business contact, a student, a customer, a significant other's family, or someone from a different region. It isn't necessary to bend oneself into knots to accommodate other cultures. But it is becoming more and more important to recognize that "polite" and "rude" are not universal truths and that cultural norms and mores vary.

Dresser's book shows many real-life examples of well-meaning individuals who inadvertently insult their hosts, loose business deals, offend customers, take offense, or experience simple confusion. She then explains how misunderstandings can occur and some generalities to keep in mind when dealing with others. This is an excellent resource for educators, business people, and anyone marrying into a different culture. It's also useful for children of immigrants. Her examples are not limited to foreigner's coming into contact with Americans, though. She includes examples of people from different regions of America, people with autism, and homosexuals.

Essentially, it is important to remember that if you are looking to be offended (or to cause offense) you will succeed. But if you actually do want to interact with those around you politely and courteously, this is a great book to read through.

Well done and a must read for the caring and interested world traveler. Some common sense and some surprising and important issues covered to enhance mutual understanding and respect.

Although not as comprehensive as I had expected, I still learned a lot from this book and plan on using it extensively. I've learned a lot from it and actually had some of my own misconceptions cleared up.

I bought this resource to add to my library of counseling resources. I was blown away with the quality of the material inside. It is easy to read and understand, and the sections are organized in a way that makes it an excellent resource for developing lesson plans for classroom guidance. Multiculturalism is becoming a concept that is important in every aspect of counseling and beyond.

I especially love that there is a section that talks about sterotype myths, and taboos for different countries.

I have recommended the others school counselors in my school system order this book as well.

As a teacher and student I was impressed with the scope and depth of the examples and information in the book. It is a good resource for anyone working with differnt cultures and our ever expanding world community.

Celebrating Diversity - Greater Truth?
By Bruce Ervin Wood, PCC, SPHR

The book Muticultural Manners - Essential Etiquette for the 21st Century by Norine Dresser explores the ways various cultures experience the same situations in different ways. The book's intro respectfully sets the stage reminding readers not to fall into the trap of stereotyping the members of any group by attributing one way of knowing to every particular group member. Rather than conducting a tour of a circus sideshow, the author guides readers with words that honor differences.

Part of the value I create as a coach comes from helping others see things differently. Reading Dresser's observations coached me into different `knowings.' For example, Korean Buddhists only write a person's name in red ink if that person is dead (teachers take note); the Cambodian practice of "mother roasting" is believed to impart the healthful effect of heat to new mothers. Gifting a Chinese family with white flowers may symbolically represent bringing death to the family. Giving yellow flowers means "I miss you" to Armenian culture, while among Iranians yellow flowers mean "I hate you." Walking amid this garden of differences enabled me to grow my awareness of how what I `know' of the daffodils, crocuses, tomatoes, strawberries, oriental maples and oaks familiar in my own garden often limits how and what I see. Knowing there are many more kinds of flowers opens new possibility.

As a coach, many of Dresser's stories remind me that very little of what I `know' from my memberships as father, husband, artist, poet, suburban, WASP, boomer, executive, not-internationally-traveled, post-graduate, and ICF-certified accurately describes what is. The stories reinforced the power of foregoing assumption and inhabiting curiosity - being in the question - as a coach.

In his book, Blues Ain't Nothing But a Good Soul Feeling Bad by Sheldon Kopp's May 20 passage states:

Groping our way through life, we may be no better off than the proverbial group of blind men who try to agree on the definition of an elephant while each touches a different part. Blind ourselves in many ways, we cannot even be sure that there is an elephant.

How then are we to cope with these differences between imagination and reality? To begin with, we can recognize that what we imagine is not necessarily unreal. If we feel the trunk of the elephant and describe it as animal with a long flexible appendage, we aren't wrong.

When we realize that our reality is just one way of seeing things, and that it is no more good or true than anyone else's, it helps us to cope with life's ambiguities. If we don't have to try to make one rigid vision of life fit all kinds of situations, and we get past insisting that our view is the only true reality, we can then respect and learn from the experience of others.

Beware of those times when your way of seeing things seems like the only truth.

While such admirable caution opens the possibility of bringing sight to our blind spots, how does one distinguish ego and diversity from core values and greater truths?