My Guy: A Gay Man's Guide to a Lasting Relationship [Paperback]

Martin Kantor (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: June 1, 2002

Find and keep Mr. Right.

Most single gay men wish they were in a relationship but don't recognize that they have set up obstacles to a happy, long-lasting connection. My Guy offers a step-by-step approach that any gay man can use to take charge of his life, master his flaws through self-awareness and dedicate himself to creating a great relationship for himself and his lover.

Dr. Martin Kantor, a psychiatrist who specializes in gay relationships, shows readers the benefits of lasting relationships, and then tells them how to:
o Find Mr. Right and avoid Mr. Wrong
o develop a strong, resilient relationship
o never give up on love

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Acknowledging that "finding and keeping a partner is the single most important challenge in gay life today," psychiatrist Martin Kantor (Problems and Solutions: A Guide to Psychotherapy for the Beginning Psychotherapist) offers a nine-step program for connecting with a mate. My Guy: A Gay Man's Guide to a Lasting Relationship covers many aspects of romance, from avoiding Mr. Wrong to identifying a potential partner's emotional needs. Even if many of the friendly suggestions (like "be flexible about type" and "don't compare yourself to others") transcend homosexual relationships, this handbook will serve as an optimistic yet realistic assistant for gay men.
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

About the Author

Dr. Martin Kantor is a psychiatrist specializing in gay men's issues. He is also the author of Together Forever. He lives with his partner of 22 years in New Jersey.

Product Details

• Paperback: 240 pages
• Publisher: Sourcebooks Casablanca (June 1, 2002)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1570719675
• ISBN-13: 978-1570719677
• Product Dimensions: 8 x 7 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 13.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (14 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #474,809 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

For many people the hardest life challenge to overcome involves the anxiety associated with finding and keeping intense, lasting, committed, long-term, loving relationships. This anxiety is typically the product of a disorder called AvPD, or Avoidant Personality Disorder. This disorder doesn't take life, but it does ruin it. I have treated so many people I know and love succumbing to its ravages that I felt the urgency to write books that offer the layman a step by step method for coping with and overcoming this emotional difficulty.
Mine are the only books that deal with AvPD as an entity, not as a subvariety of Social Phobia. This is significant because the treatment is different in each case: treatment of social phobia should emphasize cognitive-behavioral interventions, while treatment of AvPD additionally requires uncovering via a psychoanalytically-oriented and interpersonal approach that goes beyond attempting to reverse symptoms directly to halting the process of anxious interpersonal withdrawal through uncovering its roots.
The Essential Guide to Overcoming Avoidant Personality Disorder is the third book I have written on the topic, but it is the first with material primarily directed toward individuals who finding themselves lonely and isolated because of relationship anxiety long for a self-help approach based on understanding to overcome the relational terrors that keep them from experiencing the fulfillment that can only come from closeness and commitment to significant others.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

22 of 25 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars The title is deceptive!, November 13, 2004

By 

Patrick K. Allen (Seattle, WA.) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: My Guy: A Gay Man's Guide to a Lasting Relationship (Paperback)

The title should be more like A Gay Man's Guide to Basic Dating from a Disco Drag Queens Viewpoint. I was looking for advice on resolving conflict and keeping the lines of communication open...definitely not the book for me. There is some good advice for those that have no clue about how to start dating, but which seems so obvious. The author seems to contradict himself many times, telling you not to compromise, but then advocating looking for dates is some questionable places.

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Here's Another Book that Became My Bible, September 30, 2003

By 

Jaime Cader (San Francisco, CA , USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: My Guy: A Gay Man's Guide to a Lasting Relationship (Paperback)

Martin Kantor's book, My Guy: A Gay man's Guide to a Lasting Relationship is one of those few books that I would classify as
one of my Bibles. I enjoyed reading this book because it was in-
sightful and highly motivating. It also gives valuable informa-
tion on psychological concepts, etc.
Although the book is geared to a gay clientele, individuals of
other orientations can certainly benefit from reading this book.
Once My Guy is read completely, it can be refered to again to re-

fresh one's memory or to consult about certain issues.
In the introduction it stated that many other books on the same subject tend to be superficial and light weight in approach.
I found this to be true as far as another book that I read en-
titled Husband Hunting Made Easy. It had advice such as "Never date
anyone better looking than you; Don't date men who wax; and Never date anyone with the same first name."
In addition, My Guy presents information on how to become Mr.

Right for someone else, how to worm one's way into another's heart, and, what I found to be truly helpful, the concept that one needs to network with others in order to meet that special
person.
As a person who has done historical and cultural research, I
find Kantor's advice to not dedicate one's life to becoming famous and/or leaving ones' mark on the world somewhat difficult to follow. However this is one area where perhaps some of us need to work on or modify somewhat in order to fullfill our needs. (This advice that is being referred to is found in Kantor's section on distractions.)
An important message for gay men to hear is what surely is the
main idea of this book, which in summary is, "Being in a relation
ship is better than not being in one. So get into a relationship! Stop looking for that knight in shining armour. If a guy is good enough, then go for it."
Reading Kantor's book with its step by step process will definitely change your life.

8 of 8 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Mother-Wit and Father-Wisdom--For Those Who Can Hear, May 27, 2003

By 

Brian Kevin Beck "infovoyeur" (Whitewater, WI USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: My Guy: A Gay Man's Guide to a Lasting Relationship (Paperback)

A worthy book-unflinching but also competent and caring. Kantor affirms that a relationship has many values, then offers a nine-step guide to ready oneself toward gaining it. His candid insider's view of the gay male "scene" (and psyche) incisively presents much "dirty laundry," but only the better to wash it clean.

Effective? Well, he does as much as printed words can to help any gay man who is already together enough potentially to be capable of these self-improvements on his own without formal therapy. To such candidates he issues gentle wake-up calls away from general immaturity of self, and ineffectiveness in seeking a man. Become your better self for your hoped-for "better half." (Only hope that the man you seek has also already read this book-or didn't have to...)

We have here considerable craftiness-not bad manipulation, just a laser-radar for finding gay men virtually everywhere. We have mature strategy and tactics. We don't have to be doormats to the other person, but we do need to be flexible, and descend from the many "high horses" which human flesh, men especially, and gay men also, are heir to. (Or as he says, balance between being "a shy shrinking violet and an intrusive Venus flytrap.")

So Kantor's subtle, complex, both-and view (present in his other books also) counsels balance. He says act happy but not euphoric. Be calm but not withdrawn. Be assertive but not pushy. And more.

Oh, and all of it seasoned with frequent (and relevant) fine flashes of the best Jewish-mother wry wit, too. Seasoned wisdom here.