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My Horizontal Life [Kindle Edition]

Chelsea Handler
4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (1,353 customer reviews)

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Book Description

You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool. Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty. Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Opening with a cute story from when she was seven and photographed her parents having sex, stand-up comedian Handler goes on to discuss the virtues of the one-night stand, which amount to having sex early enough so you're not months into a relationship before you discover he's into "anal beads and duct tape." She discusses her quest for sex with a "black man," which doesn't work out because the date she finds on has a penis so large, she "would have had to be the size of the Lincoln Tunnel to accommodate that thing." After him, there's a "little midget," but she sobers up before sleeping with him. Next come a number of would-be partners with penises too small to consider. Finally, there's a guy Handler does sleep with, only an embarrassing incident involving a "giant skid mark" prevents her from seeing him again. By the end, Handler considers settling down with one man, which might actually net her more sex than these mostly unconsummated one-night stands. Anyone who laughs at the mere mention of vaginas and penises may find Handler's book almost as much fun as getting drunk and waking up in some stranger's bed.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.


"In a word: hilarious. In two: absolutely hilarious. These are some of the funniest stories I have ever read and they're also some of the most unexpectedly heartfelt." ---Laura Zigman, author of Animal Husbandry

Product Details

  • File Size: 316 KB
  • Print Length: 213 pages
  • Publisher: Bloomsbury USA (September 6, 2008)
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B002UM5BIM
  • Text-to-Speech: Not enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Not Enabled
  • Lending: Not Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #85,922 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
285 of 334 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Some funny vignettes, but there's an "ick" factor November 1, 2008
This is a vacation read -- something I wouldn't normally pick up, but it was sitting there, and I was headed out to the beach to suck down some tropical concoction in the sun. So, why not?

Chelsea Handler has written an account of one-night stands that she has experienced. The cast of characters is interesting, and sometimes bizarre, and the situations range from laugh-out-loud funny to irritatingly off-putting.

I enjoyed it sporadically, as much as I simultaneously found it offensive. I don't know how much the author has embellished, and how well she's hidden the identity of some of her subjects, but I'd sure be sorry if I showed up in her book! She's rather merciless and shallow, a hedonist who wants to have a good time and doesn't even try to spare the feelings of men who, er, aren't up to the task. I'm trying to imagine a book written with genders reversed, where a man takes a woman home from a bar, only to reject her in the bedroom because of, say, her breast size. Eeyuck.

It's also a shame that Handler thinks that hedonism is cool when it extends to being an alcoholic. No, she doesn't label herself an alcoholic, and maybe she's not one. Maybe she's exaggerating things for comedic effect, but if that's the case, the unintended consequence was to make herself out to be a happy drunk.

That said, if you can accept the author's total pursuit of her own pleasure (her feeble attempt at the end to portray this as a phase coming to an end doesn't really ring sincere), the book does have some pleasure to offer the reader as well, with a couple of very funny predicaments and sexual disasters.

If you want a few sexually-charged laughs, you could sure do worse than this book. And it was okay as a vacation read. That's as far as I can go in recommending My Horizontal Life.
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301 of 373 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars A Hollow Life July 8, 2008
I've casually enjoyed Chelsea Handler's TV show for some time. She's witty and clever on television, so I thought her book would offer more of the same. Unfortunately, this book changed my perception of Chelsea, and once I finished the book I came away from the experience feeling I wasted my time. Chelsea's experiences really do seem like aimless recollections of a shallow existence. As another reviewer pointed out, her memoir reads like a series of Sex in the City scripts minus the fashion. Unfortunately, Chelsea often comes off as pretentious, vapid, and morally bankrupt. I kept hoping the narrative arc of the book would reveal some growth and personal reflection. Instead, the book continuously chronicled Chelsea's nihilistic existence. Sure there are some humorous moments, but they are too few. Many of Chelsea's recollections focus on her insatiable desire for sex and a general contempt for those who aren't physical specimens. In an attempt to be funny, Chelsea's lack of compassion for others (i.e. her roommate or fellow booze cruise passengers) simply reveals her hollow character. There's little redeeming quality in Chelsea's memoir; for those looking for self-deprecating laughs, a much better choice would be among the works of Laurie Notaro.
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133 of 169 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Not funny at all, a serious waste of time and money December 18, 2009
I bought this book at Borders from their "buy one, half off the second book" collection. I should have known that there was a reason Borders was trying to unload it that way. I have a raunchy sense of humor so I figured from the title that this would be a good read. Wasn't looking for War and Peace, just some funny stories. Boy, was I disappointed.

These stories are not funny. They are each a study in how to act like a trailer trash tramp and be boring doing it. For these stories to be funny, it would help if the reader could somehow identify with the narrator and see the irony of the situations she gets herself into. Unfortunately, I have never been a drug-addled, sex-obsessed loser who thinks other people exist to serve my needs. When she ridicules the only person laughing at her stand up comedy routine, it becomes clear she doesn't actually like anyone unless she's high, drunk and horny. She's not an endearing drunk or a decent storyteller. She's mean-spirited, prejudiced self-centered and worst of all, not funny.

Spare yourself the 30 minutes of reading it will take to figure out that this book does not deliver on the promise of the title.
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58 of 74 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Pass On This One June 24, 2009
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
I heard about this book and thought it would be a fun read so I downloaded a sample cahpter to my Kindle. It was really quite funny but I didn't realize it was more of an introduction than anything else. Having been entertained I bought the book.

Within an hour I called customer service for a refund. The actual book was nothing at all like the intro. That is to wasn't entertaining and it wasn't particularly funny. Actually, as some other reviewers have ws really quite pathetic. Do I really care how many people she screwed just to keep her numbers up. I couldn't make it through the first chapter after the intro (and I was expecting it to be funny like the intro)....dull and not really much story. There is a lot of much better material out there, humor and otherwise, to spend time on. Pass on this one!
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12 of 13 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars If I could give this negative stars, I would. March 2, 2011
Total waste of money and time. The fact that it has 400+ 4 and 5 star reviews makes me worry for the world a little.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
3.0 out of 5 stars Three Stars
Published 3 days ago by NANCY WERNECKE
4.0 out of 5 stars Four Stars
all right
Published 4 days ago by james
4.0 out of 5 stars Four Stars
Very funny and exactly what you would expect if you ever saw her show.
Published 5 days ago by steve b
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
Super funny! Quick read!
Published 15 days ago by Raegan J Amy
4.0 out of 5 stars made me laugh out loud a few times
this is a pretty funny book
I love chelsea's type of humor, if you like her show you'll enjoy her books
I like to read a chapter at a time since each chapter is pretty... Read more
Published 17 days ago by Stephanie
2.0 out of 5 stars I think the jacket of the book says she writes like "Judy Blume"......
I think the jacket of the book says she writes like "Judy Blume" and yes that's accurate.

Chelsea is no "dum dum"-- fluid and flowing, this girl can tell... Read more
Published 18 days ago by Helllooo Sunshine
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
Published 22 days ago by Florence E. Martin
3.0 out of 5 stars A fan of Chelsea's other works.
I love me some Chelsea Handler, but this wasn't my favorite of her books. Near the end, I realized that Chelsea and I have had one night stands with a lot of the same guys (am I... Read more
Published 22 days ago by Author Denise Kawaii
1.0 out of 5 stars I just wanted to hug her & tell her things would get better. While...
Such a disappointment. I generally read mystery/thriller/suspense books but I figured I'd take a break and read something funny. I generally find Chelsea Handler's comedy funny. Read more
Published 23 days ago by KB
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
Very funny
Published 23 days ago by Greg
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More About the Author

Chelsea Handler is an accomplished stand-up comic and actress, as well as the bestselling author of My Horizontal Life. She is the star of her own late-night show on E!, Chelsea Lately; was one of the stars of Girls Behaving Badly; has appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Late Night with David Letterman; and has starred in her own half-hour Comedy Central special. Chelsea makes regular appearances in comedy clubs across America and lives in Los Angeles.

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