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My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
 
 
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My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands [Paperback]

Chelsea Handler (Author)
4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (722 customer reviews)

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Book Description

May 12, 2005
In this raucous collection of true-life stories, actress and comedian Chelsea Handler recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one-night stand.

You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool.

Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty.

Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Opening with a cute story from when she was seven and photographed her parents having sex, stand-up comedian Handler goes on to discuss the virtues of the one-night stand, which amount to having sex early enough so you're not months into a relationship before you discover he's into "anal beads and duct tape." She discusses her quest for sex with a "black man," which doesn't work out because the date she finds on ChocolateSingles.com has a penis so large, she "would have had to be the size of the Lincoln Tunnel to accommodate that thing." After him, there's a "little midget," but she sobers up before sleeping with him. Next come a number of would-be partners with penises too small to consider. Finally, there's a guy Handler does sleep with, only an embarrassing incident involving a "giant skid mark" prevents her from seeing him again. By the end, Handler considers settling down with one man, which might actually net her more sex than these mostly unconsummated one-night stands. Anyone who laughs at the mere mention of vaginas and penises may find Handler's book almost as much fun as getting drunk and waking up in some stranger's bed.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

"* 'Chelsea Handler is my new best friend - she writes like Judy Blume, if Judy Blume were into vodka, Ecstasy and sleeping with midgets and nineteen-year-olds. I laughed out loud and read parts to my husband, my best friend, and my Mom (which might have been a mistake). This book is no-holds-barred hilarious.' Jennifer Weiner * In a word: hilarious.In two:absolutely hilarious.These are some of the funniest stories I have ever read... Chelsea Handler has perfect pitch.' Laura Zigman" --This text refers to an alternate Paperback edition.

Product Details

  • Paperback: 213 pages
  • Publisher: Bloomsbury USA; Later Printing edition (May 12, 2005)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1582346186
  • ISBN-13: 978-1582346182
  • Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.5 x 0.6 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (722 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,344 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Chelsea Handler is an accomplished stand-up comic and actress, as well as the bestselling author of My Horizontal Life. She is the star of her own late-night show on E!, Chelsea Lately; was one of the stars of Girls Behaving Badly; has appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Late Night with David Letterman; and has starred in her own half-hour Comedy Central special. Chelsea makes regular appearances in comedy clubs across America and lives in Los Angeles.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
214 of 254 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
This is a vacation read -- something I wouldn't normally pick up, but it was sitting there, and I was headed out to the beach to suck down some tropical concoction in the sun. So, why not?

Chelsea Handler has written an account of one-night stands that she has experienced. The cast of characters is interesting, and sometimes bizarre, and the situations range from laugh-out-loud funny to irritatingly off-putting.

I enjoyed it sporadically, as much as I simultaneously found it offensive. I don't know how much the author has embellished, and how well she's hidden the identity of some of her subjects, but I'd sure be sorry if I showed up in her book! She's rather merciless and shallow, a hedonist who wants to have a good time and doesn't even try to spare the feelings of men who, er, aren't up to the task. I'm trying to imagine a book written with genders reversed, where a man takes a woman home from a bar, only to reject her in the bedroom because of, say, her breast size. Eeyuck.

It's also a shame that Handler thinks that hedonism is cool when it extends to being an alcoholic. No, she doesn't label herself an alcoholic, and maybe she's not one. Maybe she's exaggerating things for comedic effect, but if that's the case, the unintended consequence was to make herself out to be a happy drunk.

That said, if you can accept the author's total pursuit of her own pleasure (her feeble attempt at the end to portray this as a phase coming to an end doesn't really ring sincere), the book does have some pleasure to offer the reader as well, with a couple of very funny predicaments and sexual disasters.

If you want a few sexually-charged laughs, you could sure do worse than this book. And it was okay as a vacation read. That's as far as I can go in recommending My Horizontal Life.
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242 of 306 people found the following review helpful
A Hollow Life July 8, 2008
Format:Paperback
I've casually enjoyed Chelsea Handler's TV show for some time. She's witty and clever on television, so I thought her book would offer more of the same. Unfortunately, this book changed my perception of Chelsea, and once I finished the book I came away from the experience feeling I wasted my time. Chelsea's experiences really do seem like aimless recollections of a shallow existence. As another reviewer pointed out, her memoir reads like a series of Sex in the City scripts minus the fashion. Unfortunately, Chelsea often comes off as pretentious, vapid, and morally bankrupt. I kept hoping the narrative arc of the book would reveal some growth and personal reflection. Instead, the book continuously chronicled Chelsea's nihilistic existence. Sure there are some humorous moments, but they are too few. Many of Chelsea's recollections focus on her insatiable desire for sex and a general contempt for those who aren't physical specimens. In an attempt to be funny, Chelsea's lack of compassion for others (i.e. her roommate or fellow booze cruise passengers) simply reveals her hollow character. There's little redeeming quality in Chelsea's memoir; for those looking for self-deprecating laughs, a much better choice would be among the works of Laurie Notaro.
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77 of 96 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
I bought this book at Borders from their "buy one, half off the second book" collection. I should have known that there was a reason Borders was trying to unload it that way. I have a raunchy sense of humor so I figured from the title that this would be a good read. Wasn't looking for War and Peace, just some funny stories. Boy, was I disappointed.

These stories are not funny. They are each a study in how to act like a trailer trash tramp and be boring doing it. For these stories to be funny, it would help if the reader could somehow identify with the narrator and see the irony of the situations she gets herself into. Unfortunately, I have never been a drug-addled, sex-obsessed loser who thinks other people exist to serve my needs. When she ridicules the only person laughing at her stand up comedy routine, it becomes clear she doesn't actually like anyone unless she's high, drunk and horny. She's not an endearing drunk or a decent storyteller. She's mean-spirited, prejudiced self-centered and worst of all, not funny.

Spare yourself the 30 minutes of reading it will take to figure out that this book does not deliver on the promise of the title.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
Loved it
After having read her three other books, I bought & read her first one, and My Horizontal Life did not disappoint. Read more
Published 5 hours ago by Wesley Pechler
Fabulous laugh your butt off
I love chelsea Handler's books. It is hilarious. If you don't like any type of raunchy comedy then this book isn't for you. Read more
Published 9 days ago by Megan Kovars
Another winner
Chelsea Handler spits out another comical book; I think it's impossible for me to hate anything she does. Definitely recommend it if you're a Chelsea fan.
Published 12 days ago by K. Reiland
Enjoyable lighthearted read
I really enjoyed this book by Chealsea Handler. It is very funny and gives a light hearted glimpse into her colourful love life. Read more
Published 19 days ago by Fraz
loved it!
This was crazy funny! As always, chelsea was funny and honest. Good read for sure! Did think it. Was a little short, but other than that, wonderfful!
Published 20 days ago by angel rose
hilarious
I have been watching Chelsea on TV for sometime now and wondered if her books were as funny as her shows. They are!!! Read more
Published 1 month ago by jes2133
My Horizonal Life
This being my first book that I bought on Amazon, and being in the hair industry, dealing with mostly woman, I found the writer to be so honest in her inter action with the various... Read more
Published 1 month ago by Peter
Maybe I'm not the target audience?
This book must have been written for women who have lived a very demure life. Maybe they, having enjoyed living vicariously through the author, have the book all the five star... Read more
Published 1 month ago by M. Pruna
Meh
It would agree with another reviewer that this is a nice vacation-type read. It moves quickly and the chapters aren't very long. Read more
Published 1 month ago by B. Kirby
She made me smile!
I have been a long time fan of Chelsea Handler, having had watched her on several television shows as well as seeing her stand-up shows. Read more
Published 1 month ago by jemmie
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Inside This Book (learn more)
First Sentence:
I WAS SEVEN years old when my sister told me she'd give me five dollars to run upstairs into my parents' room while they were having sex and take a picture. Read the first page
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Dumb Dumb, New Year's Eve, Lido Deck, New Jersey, Los Angeles, Santa Monica, Martha's Vineyard, Scott Wolf, Ketel One, The Bachelor, The Love Boat, New York, Club Paradise, Ted Baker
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