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My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands [Paperback]

Chelsea Handler
4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (1,037 customer reviews)

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Book Description

May 12, 2005
In this raucous collection of true-life stories, actress and comedian Chelsea Handler recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one-night stand.

You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool.

Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty.

Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Opening with a cute story from when she was seven and photographed her parents having sex, stand-up comedian Handler goes on to discuss the virtues of the one-night stand, which amount to having sex early enough so you're not months into a relationship before you discover he's into "anal beads and duct tape." She discusses her quest for sex with a "black man," which doesn't work out because the date she finds on ChocolateSingles.com has a penis so large, she "would have had to be the size of the Lincoln Tunnel to accommodate that thing." After him, there's a "little midget," but she sobers up before sleeping with him. Next come a number of would-be partners with penises too small to consider. Finally, there's a guy Handler does sleep with, only an embarrassing incident involving a "giant skid mark" prevents her from seeing him again. By the end, Handler considers settling down with one man, which might actually net her more sex than these mostly unconsummated one-night stands. Anyone who laughs at the mere mention of vaginas and penises may find Handler's book almost as much fun as getting drunk and waking up in some stranger's bed.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

"Offbeat and laugh-out-loud-funny essays... smart, funny, and quick read." (Library Journal Review)

"Where have I been all of Chelsea Handler's life? I had no idea how funny, how brilliant she is…she is too clever for words." (Liz Smith New York Post)

In a word: hilarious. In two: absolutely hilarious. These are some of the funniest stories I have ever read and they're also some of the most unexpectedly heartfelt."
(Laura Zigman, author of Animal Husbandry, Dating Big Bird, and Her)

"Chelsea Handler is a terrific comedian and a hilarious writer."
(Jay Leno)

"This book is no-holds-barred hilarious."
(Jennifer Weiner, author of In Her Shoes and Little Earthquakes)

"[Chelsea] just might be funnier than David Sedaris."
(Dallas Observer)

"Prime reading material for anyone looking to laugh their hiney off."
(About.com)

Product Details

  • Paperback: 213 pages
  • Publisher: Bloomsbury USA; Later Printing edition (May 12, 2005)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1582346186
  • ISBN-13: 978-1582346182
  • Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.5 x 0.6 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (1,037 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #8,067 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Chelsea Handler is an accomplished stand-up comic and actress, as well as the bestselling author of My Horizontal Life. She is the star of her own late-night show on E!, Chelsea Lately; was one of the stars of Girls Behaving Badly; has appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Late Night with David Letterman; and has starred in her own half-hour Comedy Central special. Chelsea makes regular appearances in comedy clubs across America and lives in Los Angeles.

Customer Reviews

Chelsea Handler was hilarious in this book. mkp  |  308 reviewers made a similar statement
The more I read this book the more I laughed out loud. Christopher Craig  |  278 reviewers made a similar statement
A co-worker recommended I read this book. Brittany  |  159 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
255 of 301 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Some funny vignettes, but there's an "ick" factor November 1, 2008
Format:Paperback
This is a vacation read -- something I wouldn't normally pick up, but it was sitting there, and I was headed out to the beach to suck down some tropical concoction in the sun. So, why not?

Chelsea Handler has written an account of one-night stands that she has experienced. The cast of characters is interesting, and sometimes bizarre, and the situations range from laugh-out-loud funny to irritatingly off-putting.

I enjoyed it sporadically, as much as I simultaneously found it offensive. I don't know how much the author has embellished, and how well she's hidden the identity of some of her subjects, but I'd sure be sorry if I showed up in her book! She's rather merciless and shallow, a hedonist who wants to have a good time and doesn't even try to spare the feelings of men who, er, aren't up to the task. I'm trying to imagine a book written with genders reversed, where a man takes a woman home from a bar, only to reject her in the bedroom because of, say, her breast size. Eeyuck.

It's also a shame that Handler thinks that hedonism is cool when it extends to being an alcoholic. No, she doesn't label herself an alcoholic, and maybe she's not one. Maybe she's exaggerating things for comedic effect, but if that's the case, the unintended consequence was to make herself out to be a happy drunk.

That said, if you can accept the author's total pursuit of her own pleasure (her feeble attempt at the end to portray this as a phase coming to an end doesn't really ring sincere), the book does have some pleasure to offer the reader as well, with a couple of very funny predicaments and sexual disasters.

If you want a few sexually-charged laughs, you could sure do worse than this book. And it was okay as a vacation read.
... Read more ›
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269 of 339 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars A Hollow Life July 8, 2008
Format:Paperback
I've casually enjoyed Chelsea Handler's TV show for some time. She's witty and clever on television, so I thought her book would offer more of the same. Unfortunately, this book changed my perception of Chelsea, and once I finished the book I came away from the experience feeling I wasted my time. Chelsea's experiences really do seem like aimless recollections of a shallow existence. As another reviewer pointed out, her memoir reads like a series of Sex in the City scripts minus the fashion. Unfortunately, Chelsea often comes off as pretentious, vapid, and morally bankrupt. I kept hoping the narrative arc of the book would reveal some growth and personal reflection. Instead, the book continuously chronicled Chelsea's nihilistic existence. Sure there are some humorous moments, but they are too few. Many of Chelsea's recollections focus on her insatiable desire for sex and a general contempt for those who aren't physical specimens. In an attempt to be funny, Chelsea's lack of compassion for others (i.e. her roommate or fellow booze cruise passengers) simply reveals her hollow character. There's little redeeming quality in Chelsea's memoir; for those looking for self-deprecating laughs, a much better choice would be among the works of Laurie Notaro.
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101 of 131 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Not funny at all, a serious waste of time and money December 18, 2009
Format:Paperback
I bought this book at Borders from their "buy one, half off the second book" collection. I should have known that there was a reason Borders was trying to unload it that way. I have a raunchy sense of humor so I figured from the title that this would be a good read. Wasn't looking for War and Peace, just some funny stories. Boy, was I disappointed.

These stories are not funny. They are each a study in how to act like a trailer trash tramp and be boring doing it. For these stories to be funny, it would help if the reader could somehow identify with the narrator and see the irony of the situations she gets herself into. Unfortunately, I have never been a drug-addled, sex-obsessed loser who thinks other people exist to serve my needs. When she ridicules the only person laughing at her stand up comedy routine, it becomes clear she doesn't actually like anyone unless she's high, drunk and horny. She's not an endearing drunk or a decent storyteller. She's mean-spirited, prejudiced self-centered and worst of all, not funny.

Spare yourself the 30 minutes of reading it will take to figure out that this book does not deliver on the promise of the title.
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51 of 65 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
The book was at times funny, but mainly a disappointment. I somehow missed the fact that this book was written by a comedian. Hence, every line of the book was an attempt to be funny. The added fact that the stories are told from an admitted compulsive liar and alcoholic didn't enhance the appeal much either.
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84 of 109 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A perfect trashy review March 3, 2009
Format:Paperback
This is a classic memoir of some ridiculously funny random sexual experiences, coupled with rampant alcohol and drug overindulgence. Chelsea's is a rare breed; a talented comic and contagious writer. Each chapter is an outlandish collection of the painful things that go wrong in her sexual conquests and latent promiscuity. The midget sex story was my favorite. Oh my!

Some great one-liners and insults in every other sentence.

Very embarrassing and hilarious stories, right from the first chapter. Chelsea is the ultimate tomboy, and can be outrageously funny. What makes this book so great is the shock value. Not just the content. Heavy drinking, drugs, and numerous sex partners are just not what you expect to read from an accomplished woman. It's just so very rare a girl is so open about her excess indulgence and spontaneous sex life like this.
She has a real talent at storytelling as well, which comes from her stand up comic days.

For fans of this genre, I'd also highly recommend the male version of this book for out of control laughs. Ripping comedy - outrageous penthouse letter stories.

High Heels and Dirty Deals - Globetrotting Tales of Debauchery from a Binge-drinking Nymphomaniac
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Seriously...
Once again, a great read! The only thing I'm not pleased with is that I'm almost done with all of her books! Chelsea keeps you hooked through every sentence. She never disappoints! Read more
Published 1 day ago by Sunny Shonelle
5.0 out of 5 stars Fun, raunchy
Very fun to read. It made me laugh out-loud. I will be looking for my next read from Chelsea Handler.
Published 2 days ago by dd
3.0 out of 5 stars Not as funny as she is
Chelsea Handler is one of my favorite personalities. I think she is very refreshing, drole, and honest. In person, that is. Read more
Published 2 days ago by Sam Pascoe
5.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious
A must read for all fans of Chelsea's books. I can't wait for her next one! She delivers every time
Published 4 days ago by Pen Name
5.0 out of 5 stars So funny!
Loved this book, couldn't put it down! I used the kindle app to download if to my iPad, fast and easy!
Published 7 days ago by Maacah
2.0 out of 5 stars It was okay.
This was... okay. I didn't love it, but I didn't hate it. Most of it was a bit unbelievable, and I have to think she definitely took a creative approach while writing. Read more
Published 10 days ago by nicolefrail217
2.0 out of 5 stars Bit of a disappointment
After read a couple of Chelsea's other books I was a bit disappointed in this one. Yes it is still funny but I found myself losing interest before I finished it.
Published 11 days ago by Gramma
3.0 out of 5 stars Not as funny as I expected
This book was okay, but did not meet my expectations. It was humerus at times but not enough to keep me very engaged, and left me wishing there was a little bit more of a... Read more
Published 11 days ago by Lauren L Meyer
5.0 out of 5 stars Chelsea Handler, You Are Too Funny.
I first heard about Chelsea Handler when I started watching "Chelsea Lately" when it first aired, I immediately fell in love with her sense of humor & delivery, she's... Read more
Published 12 days ago by Leah-S
5.0 out of 5 stars Trashy (But I Loved It)!
I have to wonder how many of the stories were true, dreams, or a combination of the two since she admits to being a pathological liar. Read more
Published 19 days ago by Cindy
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