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My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands [Paperback]

Chelsea Handler
4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (1,025 customer reviews)

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Book Description

May 12, 2005
In this raucous collection of true-life stories, actress and comedian Chelsea Handler recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one-night stand.

You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool.

Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty.

Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Opening with a cute story from when she was seven and photographed her parents having sex, stand-up comedian Handler goes on to discuss the virtues of the one-night stand, which amount to having sex early enough so you're not months into a relationship before you discover he's into "anal beads and duct tape." She discusses her quest for sex with a "black man," which doesn't work out because the date she finds on ChocolateSingles.com has a penis so large, she "would have had to be the size of the Lincoln Tunnel to accommodate that thing." After him, there's a "little midget," but she sobers up before sleeping with him. Next come a number of would-be partners with penises too small to consider. Finally, there's a guy Handler does sleep with, only an embarrassing incident involving a "giant skid mark" prevents her from seeing him again. By the end, Handler considers settling down with one man, which might actually net her more sex than these mostly unconsummated one-night stands. Anyone who laughs at the mere mention of vaginas and penises may find Handler's book almost as much fun as getting drunk and waking up in some stranger's bed.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

"Offbeat and laugh-out-loud-funny essays... smart, funny, and quick read." (Library Journal Review )

"Where have I been all of Chelsea Handler's life? I had no idea how funny, how brilliant she is…she is too clever for words." (Liz Smith New York Post )

In a word: hilarious. In two: absolutely hilarious. These are some of the funniest stories I have ever read and they're also some of the most unexpectedly heartfelt."
(Laura Zigman, author of Animal Husbandry, Dating Big Bird, and Her )

"Chelsea Handler is a terrific comedian and a hilarious writer."
(Jay Leno )

"This book is no-holds-barred hilarious."
(Jennifer Weiner, author of In Her Shoes and Little Earthquakes )

"[Chelsea] just might be funnier than David Sedaris."
(Dallas Observer )

"Prime reading material for anyone looking to laugh their hiney off."
(About.com )

Product Details

  • Paperback: 213 pages
  • Publisher: Bloomsbury USA; Later Printing edition (May 12, 2005)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1582346186
  • ISBN-13: 978-1582346182
  • Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.5 x 0.6 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (1,025 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #3,374 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Chelsea Handler is an accomplished stand-up comic and actress, as well as the bestselling author of My Horizontal Life. She is the star of her own late-night show on E!, Chelsea Lately; was one of the stars of Girls Behaving Badly; has appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Late Night with David Letterman; and has starred in her own half-hour Comedy Central special. Chelsea makes regular appearances in comedy clubs across America and lives in Los Angeles.

Customer Reviews

Chelsea Handler was hilarious in this book. mkp  |  308 reviewers made a similar statement
The more I read this book the more I laughed out loud. Christopher Craig  |  278 reviewers made a similar statement
A co-worker recommended I read this book. Brittany  |  159 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
254 of 300 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Some funny vignettes, but there's an "ick" factor November 1, 2008
Format:Paperback
This is a vacation read -- something I wouldn't normally pick up, but it was sitting there, and I was headed out to the beach to suck down some tropical concoction in the sun. So, why not?

Chelsea Handler has written an account of one-night stands that she has experienced. The cast of characters is interesting, and sometimes bizarre, and the situations range from laugh-out-loud funny to irritatingly off-putting.

I enjoyed it sporadically, as much as I simultaneously found it offensive. I don't know how much the author has embellished, and how well she's hidden the identity of some of her subjects, but I'd sure be sorry if I showed up in her book! She's rather merciless and shallow, a hedonist who wants to have a good time and doesn't even try to spare the feelings of men who, er, aren't up to the task. I'm trying to imagine a book written with genders reversed, where a man takes a woman home from a bar, only to reject her in the bedroom because of, say, her breast size. Eeyuck.

It's also a shame that Handler thinks that hedonism is cool when it extends to being an alcoholic. No, she doesn't label herself an alcoholic, and maybe she's not one. Maybe she's exaggerating things for comedic effect, but if that's the case, the unintended consequence was to make herself out to be a happy drunk.

That said, if you can accept the author's total pursuit of her own pleasure (her feeble attempt at the end to portray this as a phase coming to an end doesn't really ring sincere), the book does have some pleasure to offer the reader as well, with a couple of very funny predicaments and sexual disasters.

If you want a few sexually-charged laughs, you could sure do worse than this book. And it was okay as a vacation read. That's as far as I can go in recommending My Horizontal Life.
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268 of 337 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars A Hollow Life July 8, 2008
Format:Paperback
I've casually enjoyed Chelsea Handler's TV show for some time. She's witty and clever on television, so I thought her book would offer more of the same. Unfortunately, this book changed my perception of Chelsea, and once I finished the book I came away from the experience feeling I wasted my time. Chelsea's experiences really do seem like aimless recollections of a shallow existence. As another reviewer pointed out, her memoir reads like a series of Sex in the City scripts minus the fashion. Unfortunately, Chelsea often comes off as pretentious, vapid, and morally bankrupt. I kept hoping the narrative arc of the book would reveal some growth and personal reflection. Instead, the book continuously chronicled Chelsea's nihilistic existence. Sure there are some humorous moments, but they are too few. Many of Chelsea's recollections focus on her insatiable desire for sex and a general contempt for those who aren't physical specimens. In an attempt to be funny, Chelsea's lack of compassion for others (i.e. her roommate or fellow booze cruise passengers) simply reveals her hollow character. There's little redeeming quality in Chelsea's memoir; for those looking for self-deprecating laughs, a much better choice would be among the works of Laurie Notaro.
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85 of 109 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A perfect trashy review March 3, 2009
Format:Paperback
This is a classic memoir of some ridiculously funny random sexual experiences, coupled with rampant alcohol and drug overindulgence. Chelsea's is a rare breed; a talented comic and contagious writer. Each chapter is an outlandish collection of the painful things that go wrong in her sexual conquests and latent promiscuity. The midget sex story was my favorite. Oh my!

Some great one-liners and insults in every other sentence.

Very embarrassing and hilarious stories, right from the first chapter. Chelsea is the ultimate tomboy, and can be outrageously funny. What makes this book so great is the shock value. Not just the content. Heavy drinking, drugs, and numerous sex partners are just not what you expect to read from an accomplished woman. It's just so very rare a girl is so open about her excess indulgence and spontaneous sex life like this.
She has a real talent at storytelling as well, which comes from her stand up comic days.

For fans of this genre, I'd also highly recommend the male version of this book for out of control laughs. Ripping comedy - outrageous penthouse letter stories.

High Heels and Dirty Deals - Globetrotting Tales of Debauchery from a Binge-drinking Nymphomaniac
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Looking for a funny book to read?
I recommend this book if you're looking for a book that will make you laugh out loud. I enjoyed the time I spent with her, living vicariously through her, during this quick, fun... Read more
Published 11 days ago by L. Monahos
5.0 out of 5 stars hilarious
Funny as hell, laugh out loud until your stomach muscles hurt! I have read it twice and it was just as funny the second round!!!
Published 12 days ago by Lynn
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Book!
Amazing book! Love how Chelsea opens up and tells her story. I feel like the real the story the better ;-)
Published 14 days ago by Claudia Santamaria
3.0 out of 5 stars Funny, but not believable
This book was funny; I laughed, probably even out loud. However, some of the stories seemed embellished. Read more
Published 14 days ago by Gillian Byron
5.0 out of 5 stars Very Funny
I typically do not like to read about people's sex lives. However, I really enjoyed this book. I also do not normally find crude humor to be too amusing. Read more
Published 15 days ago by Heather
5.0 out of 5 stars The breaks
loved it- finished all her books in a week, can't wait to see what's next! The only Jew I'll ever appreciate!
Published 15 days ago by April Mosquera
5.0 out of 5 stars hilarious!
I read this in two days, and just like Chelsea's other books I laughed constantly! I love this woman! I hope she has another book in the works :)
Published 22 days ago by me
3.0 out of 5 stars It's a collection of one-night stands
Some parts of the book are really funny. And some parts are cringe worthy. You have to be open minded when reading this book. Read more
Published 23 days ago by Mister Roboto
5.0 out of 5 stars Loved this book
Funny, wild, just a really really entertaining book!! I had no idea what kind of writer Chelsea was. I had heard about her and then I got to see a movie she was in; she was a riot! Read more
Published 29 days ago by Stacie B
3.0 out of 5 stars Not for the faint of heart or easily offended.
In My Horizontal Life, Chelsea talks about her younger days of sex, partying, and misadventures in the dating world. Read more
Published 1 month ago by jade19721
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