My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands (Paperback)

by Chelsea Handler (Author) "I WAS SEVEN years old when my sister told me she'd give me five dollars to run upstairs into my parents' room while they were..." (more)
Key Phrases: Dumb Dumb, New Year's Eve, Lido Deck (more...)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly
Opening with a cute story from when she was seven and photographed her parents having sex, stand-up comedian Handler goes on to discuss the virtues of the one-night stand, which amount to having sex early enough so you're not months into a relationship before you discover he's into "anal beads and duct tape." She discusses her quest for sex with a "black man," which doesn't work out because the date she finds on ChocolateSingles.com has a penis so large, she "would have had to be the size of the Lincoln Tunnel to accommodate that thing." After him, there's a "little midget," but she sobers up before sleeping with him. Next come a number of would-be partners with penises too small to consider. Finally, there's a guy Handler does sleep with, only an embarrassing incident involving a "giant skid mark" prevents her from seeing him again. By the end, Handler considers settling down with one man, which might actually net her more sex than these mostly unconsummated one-night stands. Anyone who laughs at the mere mention of vaginas and penises may find Handler's book almost as much fun as getting drunk and waking up in some stranger's bed.
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Review
"Offbeat and laugh-out-loud-funny essays... smart, funny, and quick read." (Library Journal Review )

"Where have I been all of Chelsea Handler's life? I had no idea how funny, how brilliant she is.she is too clever for words." (Liz Smith New York Post )

In a word: hilarious. In two: absolutely hilarious. These are some of the funniest stories I have ever read and they''re also some of the most unexpectedly heartfelt." (Laura Zigman, author of Animal Husbandry, Dating Big Bird, and Her )

"Chelsea Handler is a terrific comedian and a hilarious writer." (Jay Leno )

"This book is no-holds-barred hilarious." (Jennifer Weiner, author of In Her Shoes and Little Earthquakes )

"[Chelsea] just might be funnier than David Sedaris." (Dallas Observer )

"Prime reading material for anyone looking to laugh their hiney off." (About.com )

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 213 pages
• Publisher: Bloomsbury USA (May 12, 2005)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1582346186
• ISBN-13: 978-1582346182
• Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.4 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 3.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars See all reviews (384 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #125 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

56 of 66 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE SEQUEL!, May 14, 2005

By	Stefanie Taylor "Author of 'Sippy Cups Are No... (Encino, California USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

I just finished reading "My Horizontal Life" and I have to say, it was the most fun I think I've ever had reading a book. I was laughing so hard at some of these stories that I was calling people up to quote lines over the phone (I know that's annoying if you're on the other end but it had to be done). In fact, when I finished reading it, I picked it back up and read a couple of the stories again.

As a fan of stand-up comedy (the author is a comedienne), I expected the book to be full of jokes and it is, but what I didn't expect is that it would be so revealing, sweet and engaging. By the last page, I felt like I knew the author as well as some of my closest friends.

Whether or not you yourself have had a one-night stand, you will be able to relate to the things that happen to her. Okay, maybe we haven't all dated a male stripper who's "every gay guy's fantasy" but we've all dated someone we sadly discovered is not so bright or who doesn't have a good grasp of our language. Personally, I think even a nun would find this book amusing. But I wouldn't buy it for her. I'd hope she'd just stumble upon it on her own.

I've read many humor book over the years and the problem with a lot of them is that they're just not that funny. This one delivers.

40 of 48 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars A Hollow Life, July 8, 2008

By	David Smith "TRIOdevil" (Northeast Tennessee) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

I've casually enjoyed Chelsea Handler's TV show for some time. She's witty and clever on television, so I thought her book would offer more of the same. Unfortunately, this book changed my perception of Chelsea, and once I finished the book I came away from the experience feeling I wasted my time. Chelsea's experiences really do seem like aimless recollections of a shallow existence. As another reviewer pointed out, her memoir reads like a series of Sex in the City scripts minus the fashion. Unfortunately, Chelsea often comes off as pretentious, vapid, and morally bankrupt. I kept hoping the narrative arc of the book would reveal some growth and personal reflection. Instead, the book continuously chronicled Chelsea's nihilistic existence. Sure there are some humorous moments, but they are too few. Many of Chelsea's recollections focus on her insatiable desire for sex and a general contempt for those who aren't physical specimens. In an attempt to be funny, Chelsea's lack of compassion for others (i.e. her roommate or fellow booze cruise passengers) simply reveals her hollow character. There's little redeeming quality in Chelsea's memoir; for those looking for self-deprecating laughs, a much better choice would be among the works of Laurie Notaro.

65 of 82 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars For the ladies..., June 30, 2007

By	A. Bennett "Will 'vouge' For Food" (New Hampsha) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

I love Chelsea Handler. I really do. A huge fan. However, this book is really written for the ladies. Being a gay guy I thought that maybe I could wrap my brain around the stylings of a single female who loves vodka and men. But in the end a lot of the charm and appeal is lost on me...I may love vodka and men but I'm certainly not a single female.

The stories are funny though and written for a quick read. And I think most 20-30 "somethings" will find this quite humorous. I was hoping for more hardcore juice...but most of the time Chelsea just ran short of being a true tramp and was more like a little girl dressing up in mom's heels and make-up.