My Husband Betty: Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser [Paperback]

Helen Boyd (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: December 23, 2003

Author Helen Boyd is a happily married woman whose husband enjoys sharing her wardrobe—and she has written the first book on transgendered men to focus on their relationships and their female partners. Traditionally known as cross-dressers, transvestites, or drag queens, men like Helen’s husband are diverse and don’t always conform to stereotype. Many of the older transvestites are socially conservative, deeply closeted, and devout churchgoers. Helen addresses every imaginable question concerning the reasons for behavior that still baffles not only “mental health professionals” but the practitioners themselves; the taxonomy of the transgendered and the distinct but overlapping societies of each group; coming out; bisexuality; and homophobia. The book features interviews with some very interesting people, all of whom struggle and love: dominatrix and her cross-dressing husband; a crossdressing Reiki master and his son; a woman who after dating one cross-dresser wanted to date others and met—and fell in love with—a transsexual instead; a woman whose husband promised her he was only a cross-dresser and later realized that he was transsexual. This is a book about relationships that will engage the reader, and Helen’s narrative is a powerful lens with which to examine our own notions of gender and equality.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

A straight woman who has been married several years to a crossdressing man gives a thoughtful account of their relationship (as well as the relationships of other crossdressers she knows) in this forthright and revelatory book. "Instead of putting a 'pretty face' on crossdressing," Boyd writes, "I think this book paints a more realistic picture." Her interest is as much in the broader issues of love and acceptance, denial and repression, human nature and sexual identity as it is in the who, when, why and how of crossdressing. Boyd shares personal and often intensely private moments in order to illustrate her findings, describing her husband's ritual for getting dressed as a woman and candidly admitting that she once believed that she would never be able to accept his behavior. Particularly sharp is her chapter on gendered politics, which takes to task members of the crossdressing community who isolate themselves "from all the groups who could otherwise educate and liberate them: the feminist community, the gay and lesbian communities." Though such comments may be uncharacteristically harsh for a book that by and large supports crossdressers and their actions, Boyd's opinions lend her discussion a critical viewpoint and comprehensiveness that it might not have had otherwise. Boyd, who founded the online support group CDOD, helps out newbies to the topic by making distinctions among phrases like "transgendered" and "transvestite" that are sometimes unknowingly used interchangeably and by summarizing the history of and research into the behavior. Honest and well researched, this book is likely to become an indispensable guide for woman who are trying to forge stable, accepting relationships with crossdressing men. Given the topic and Boyd's approach, it is a shame that the author still felt the need to mask her true identity by using a nom de plume.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

From Booklist

Boyd never expected to write about transvestites and their partners, yet here is her fascinating account of marriage to a cross-dresser, the intent of which is to reduce the tumult his cross-dressing causes in the couple's lives and to help more women deal better with having transgendered husbands. The originator of an online support group for such couples, Boyd supplements her own experiences with those of others to explore the diversity within a stereotyped group (the male-to-female transgendered) and answer questions concerning their behavior. Boyd was supportive from the onset of her knowledge of "Betty," but even after two years' socializing within a supportive transgender community, the Boyds' first outing in the real world terrified her because of her own and society's expectations--and that was the first of a series of painful realizations. Boyd's skill as a writer enables readers to enter a relatively hidden existence easily, and perhaps even to appreciate its complexities. Her account, though initially disquieting to some, well may become a standard text in gender studies. Whitney Scott
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 304 pages
• Publisher: Seal Press (December 23, 2003)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1560255153
• ISBN-13: 978-1560255154
• Product Dimensions: 6 x 0.8 x 9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (27 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #366,729 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #41 in Books > Gay & Lesbian > Biographies & Memoirs > Transgender
  • #98 in Books > Gay & Lesbian > Nonfiction > Transgender

More About the Author

Helen Boyd is the author of My Husband Betty (Thunder's Mouth, 2004) and She's Not the Man I Married (Seal Press, 2007). She lives in Brooklyn with her partner Betty and their three cats. Her blog (en)gender can be found at www.myhusbandbetty.com

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

27 of 30 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars A fascinating exploration of gender December 22, 2003

By A Customer

Format:Paperback

Though this book will be of special interest and relevance to the partners of crossdressers, anyone intrigued by gender issues and they way they shape our lives, loves, and identities will be enthralled by this profoundly touching and well-researched book. Ms. Boyd offers a moving, honest account of her own courtship and married life with a crossdresser, illuminating every difficulty and joy with great insight. She also portrays the relationships of other crossdressing couples among whom she has found support and companionship. Having wrestled with her own gender issues, and leaving no stone unturned in her quest to understand her husband's crossdressing, Ms. Boyd seems to have read all of the trenchant literature in the gender-studies field (to her readers' benefit) and widens her scope to include the whole transgender community and the gay community. Though Ms. Boyd is admirably supportive of her husband's continuing struggle to be true to himself, she never sugar-coats the complexities transgenderism can impose upon a marriage. However, Ms. Boyd's integrity, engaging voice, and love for her husband leave the reader hopeful that happiness is eminently possible even for those who don't fit neatly into society's gender "boxes".

35 of 43 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Required Reading for Crossdressers and their Partners July 20, 2004

By Kelli

Format:Paperback

?My Husband Betty? (?MHB?) by Helen Boyd is a remarkable book relating to a generally misunderstood, and also often fairly well-hidden, segment of our society: the world of heterosexual men who crossdress, and their female partners. The book is remarkable not only because it is one of the only books to address this group from the perspective of a wife of a crossdressing male, but because it is an extremely well-done melange of personal experience, shared experiences of others, as well as a survey of the available scientific and other literature available pertaining to this group. But the main virtue of MHB is that it is (at times brutally) honest about the significant challenges the author and other women have faced in the context of being in relationships with men who are crossdressers. In the end, it is this frank honesty, which some readers ? including ones who may be male crossdressers ? may find hard to swallow at times, that lends the book an enhanced degree of credibility, openness and accessibility to anyone interested in this area, and particularly to those who are living this experience.

The book begins with an examination of the crossdressers themselves, including the different kinds of things that they do, the different ?types? of crossdressing men, the different phases of crossdressing that a crossdresser may experience at different points of his life. This chapter of the book is enlightening for crossdressers themselves, but is invaluable for a partner of a crossdresser who is at square one. An extremely helpful appendix contains a glossary of crossdressing and related acronyms and jargon.

Next the book addresses the women who are the partners of crossdressers, taking into account the various experiences that they have had, their reactions to their partner?s crossdressing ways, the negative or at best conflicted feelings most of them experience, as well as the diversity of viewpoints among them as to how they relate to their crossdressing partner and his crossdressing. This is one of the primary chapters where the author?s own experiences, and her willingness and honesty in describing them, lend the book a remarkable depth and credibility. As the author notes, she is not trying to put a pretty face on crossdressing, but to address it squarely and honestly, and her admission of her own continuing challenges, fears and difficulties relating to her husband?s crossdressing is both illuminating and touching, and should be required reading for any crossdressing man who is, has been, or intends to be in a relationship with a woman. The chapter which follows ? addressing the various modes of relationships between crossdressing men and their female partners ? is told through the experiences of six different couples, each of which has come to their own way of managing the experience in a different way, and helps to move the experiential part of the book beyond the author?s own experiences to reflect those of a broader group.

A chapter is devoted to the question of whether crossdressing is a ?Slippery Slope? to transsexualism, and here again the book is brutally honest in its confrontation with the often-spouted semi-propaganda by some crossdressing groups to the effect that crossdressing has nothing to do with transsexualism and does not ever ?progress? to transsexualism. A well-done survey of the historical and existing scholarship relating to crossdressers and transsexuals forms the foundation for the author?s frank conclusion that this can sometimes happen, together with her indictment of the soft-sell engaged in by some crossdresser?s groups on these issues, which, in the long run, actually undermines trust between crossdressers and their partners and harms the crossdressers themselves by limiting their self-awareness and therefore their self-acceptance.

A frank chapter addressing the challenges in having a satisfying sexual life with a crossdresser similarly debunks the notion advanced by some crossdresser groups that crossdressing does not have a sexual element to it. In addition, this chapter should be required reading for any crossdresser who is, has been, or plans to be in a relationship with a woman, because the impacts here are extremely well presented and accurate and need to be addressed in an active manner by the crossdressing partner.

The book concludes with a chapter addressing the larger ?scene? of crossdressing outside the house, and the various options for being more open about one?s crossdressing, and a chapter relating to gender politics. It is the last chapter that is addressed to the crossdressers themselves and, while it may be hard for some crossdressers to read, in my opinion the author is dead right that the reason why the crossdressing community has lagged behind other groups in obtaining rights for itself is that it has been unwilling to build bridges with the larger feminist, gay, lesbian, and bisexual communities, and has instead spent a great deal of time trying to wall itself off from these groups in an effort to maintain its ?straightness?. In the end, I agree with the author that the crossdressing community ? which may very well be mostly heterosexual ? is nevertheless not ?straight? in any meaningful way, and that the sooner it accepts this (both on an individual level and on a broader, collective level), the sooner it will be in a position to work together with other alternative groups to forge its rightful place in society. That will not happen without changing perspectives, work and sacrifice. All of this amounts to sobering thoughts for many, but necessary ones for crossdressers themselves to hear and reflect upon.

In sum, MHB is basically required reading for anyone who is a crossdresser or who is the significant other of a crossdresser, as well as anyone who may be involved in the therapeutic community and who may deal with crossdressers and their partners from time to time. While it is likely that most who read MHB will not agree with everything in it, it is precisely this honesty and frankness which makes the book very useful because it certainly will spur the readers to think and reflect on their own experience.

11 of 13 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars remarkable and honest May 29, 2004

By A Customer

Format:Paperback

This is an honest and intense account of what it is like to be married to a crossdresser. Helen Boyd's acceptance and openness, while at the same time acknowledging her own feelings of trepidation concerning some aspects of this new life, is remarkable and admirable. There are no cross-dressers in my life, (that I am aware of) and I still found this book to be very worthwhile for the honest approach and thorough investigation of the subject.