Customer Reviews

My Husband Betty: Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser

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1 star:		(1)

 

 

Though this book will be of special interest and relevance to the partners of crossdressers, anyone intrigued by gender issues and they way they shape our lives, loves, and identities will be enthralled by this profoundly touching and well-researched book. Ms. Boyd offers a moving, honest account of her own courtship and married life with a crossdresser, illuminating every difficulty and joy with great insight. She also portrays the relationships of other crossdressing couples among whom she has found support and companionship. Having wrestled with her own gender issues, and leaving no stone unturned in her quest to understand her husband's crossdressing, Ms. Boyd seems to have read all of the trenchant literature in the gender-studies field (to her readers' benefit) and widens her scope to include the whole transgender community and the gay community. Though Ms. Boyd is admirably supportive of her husband's continuing struggle to be true to himself, she never sugar-coats the complexities transgenderism can impose upon a marriage. However, Ms. Boyd's integrity, engaging voice, and love for her husband leave the reader hopeful that happiness is eminently possible even for those who don't fit neatly into society's gender "boxes".

?My Husband Betty? (?MHB?) by Helen Boyd is a remarkable book relating to a generally misunderstood, and also often fairly well-hidden, segment of our society: the world of heterosexual men who crossdress, and their female partners. The book is remarkable not only because it is one of the only books to address this group from the perspective of a wife of a crossdressing male, but because it is an extremely well-done melange of personal experience, shared experiences of others, as well as a survey of the available scientific and other literature available pertaining to this group. But the main virtue of MHB is that it is (at times brutally) honest about the significant challenges the author and other women have faced in the context of being in relationships with men who are crossdressers. In the end, it is this frank honesty, which some readers ? including ones who may be male crossdressers ? may find hard to swallow at times, that lends the book an enhanced degree of credibility, openness and accessibility to anyone interested in this area, and particularly to those who are living this experience.

The book begins with an examination of the crossdressers themselves, including the different kinds of things that they do, the different ?types? of crossdressing men, the different phases of crossdressing that a crossdresser may experience at different points of his life. This chapter of the book is enlightening for crossdressers themselves, but is invaluable for a partner of a crossdresser who is at square one. An extremely helpful appendix contains a glossary of crossdressing and related acronyms and jargon.

Next the book addresses the women who are the partners of crossdressers, taking into account the various experiences that they have had, their reactions to their partner?s crossdressing ways, the negative or at best conflicted feelings most of them experience, as well as the diversity of viewpoints among them as to how they relate to their crossdressing partner and his crossdressing. This is one of the primary chapters where the author?s own experiences, and her willingness and honesty in describing them, lend the book a remarkable depth and credibility. As the author notes, she is not trying to put a pretty face on crossdressing, but to address it squarely and honestly, and her admission of her own continuing challenges, fears and difficulties relating to her husband?s crossdressing is both illuminating and touching, and should be required reading for any crossdressing man who is, has been, or intends to be in a relationship with a woman. The chapter which follows ? addressing the various modes of relationships between crossdressing men and their female partners ? is told through the experiences of six different couples, each of which has come to their own way of managing the experience in a different way, and helps to move the experiential part of the book beyond the author?s own experiences to reflect those of a broader group.

A chapter is devoted to the question of whether crossdressing is a ?Slippery Slope? to transsexualism, and here again the book is brutally honest in its confrontation with the often-spouted semi-propaganda by some crossdressing groups to the effect that crossdressing has nothing to do with transsexualism and does not ever ?progress? to transsexualism. A well-done survey of the historical and existing scholarship relating to crossdressers and transsexuals forms the foundation for the author?s frank conclusion that this can sometimes happen, together with her indictment of the soft-sell engaged in by some crossdresser?s groups on these issues, which, in the long run, actually undermines trust between crossdressers and their partners and harms the crossdressers themselves by limiting their self-awareness and therefore their self-acceptance.

A frank chapter addressing the challenges in having a satisfying sexual life with a crossdresser similarly debunks the notion advanced by some crossdresser groups that crossdressing does not have a sexual element to it. In addition, this chapter should be required reading for any crossdresser who is, has been, or plans to be in a relationship with a woman, because the impacts here are extremely well presented and accurate and need to be addressed in an active manner by the crossdressing partner.

The book concludes with a chapter addressing the larger ?scene? of crossdressing outside the house, and the various options for being more open about one?s crossdressing, and a chapter relating to gender politics. It is the last chapter that is addressed to the crossdressers themselves and, while it may be hard for some crossdressers to read, in my opinion the author is dead right that the reason why the crossdressing community has lagged behind other groups in obtaining rights for itself is that it has been unwilling to build bridges with the larger feminist, gay, lesbian, and bisexual communities, and has instead spent a great deal of time trying to wall itself off from these groups in an effort to maintain its ?straightness?. In the end, I agree with the author that the crossdressing community ? which may very well be mostly heterosexual ? is nevertheless not ?straight? in any meaningful way, and that the sooner it accepts this (both on an individual level and on a broader, collective level), the sooner it will be in a position to work together with other alternative groups to forge its rightful place in society. That will not happen without changing perspectives, work and sacrifice. All of this amounts to sobering thoughts for many, but necessary ones for crossdressers themselves to hear and reflect upon.

In sum, MHB is basically required reading for anyone who is a crossdresser or who is the significant other of a crossdresser, as well as anyone who may be involved in the therapeutic community and who may deal with crossdressers and their partners from time to time. While it is likely that most who read MHB will not agree with everything in it, it is precisely this honesty and frankness which makes the book very useful because it certainly will spur the readers to think and reflect on their own experience.

As a crossdresser for nearly 3 decades and someone who is married, this book gave me tremendous insights into the challenges that are faced by my spouse. Helen Boyd does a very thorough analysis of identifying the choices and tensions inherent in being a CD as well as the struggles a spouse must face. What I found especially enlightening was the description of the continuum of dressing and the various types of relationships crossdressers have with their significant others.

I highly recommend the section that deals with the real questions that should be discussed in a relationship. There is an enormous struggle that goes on in these kinds of relationships and most don't last. The book offers one useful roadmap.

This is an honest and intense account of what it is like to be married to a crossdresser. Helen Boyd's acceptance and openness, while at the same time acknowledging her own feelings of trepidation concerning some aspects of this new life, is remarkable and admirable. There are no cross-dressers in my life, (that I am aware of) and I still found this book to be very worthwhile for the honest approach and thorough investigation of the subject.

There have always been crossdressers and other transgendered people, but there has not been such a brilliant examination of the subject since Magnus Hirschfeld himself (to whom this book is dedicated) coined the word "transvestite." Whether you are one, you know one, or you are merely fascinated with the subjects of human sexuality and relationships, this is a must-read. This book, with its intimate portraits of people and relationships, has scholarly depth and page-turner readability. Helen Boyd has produced a masterpiece of cultural anthropology, gender studies and sexuality which will be a classic.

For those looking for an insight into male-to-female crossdressing, this is an excellent choice. While it is written from the basis of a wife's point of view, it encompasses far more information than a single person's viewpoint.
Helen Boyd is founder of CDOD, an on-line meeting and discussion place for couples. In her position as moderator, she has thoroughly researched crossdressers, crossdressing, and their effect on marriages and families. While she is in a committed, monogamous, legally married relationship with her CD husband, Betty, she is also very aware of the stresses crossdressing can bring to a relationship.
Helen's in-depth study of wives and girlfriends reactions to their CD partners is both interesting and surprising. Interesting, in that they vary so greatly. Surprising, in the degree of acceptance - and yes, pleasure - many find in their relationships.
Helen stresses that keeping crossdressing a secret from ones own partner violates the trust required for a successful relationship. Where honest disclosure occurs early in the relationship, trust is strengthened. The potential partner can then enter the relationship with her eyes and heart open and the knowledge that her partner trusts her enough to disclose this "secret."
Helen's book does not simply paint a pretty picture. Many wives, especially where their partner's crossdressing has been kept secret for years, lose their trust in him. What else has he been hiding? Does he really want to transition fully and become a woman? Some try to restrict or eliminate their husband's crossdressing, with the result that the relationship is severely damaged anyway. Some struggle with keeping this situation a secret from their friends and families, damaging those relationships as well. Many wonder if being attracted to a crossdresser makes them lesbian - still unacceptable in our generally homophobic society.
The book includes sections on why men crossdress, why they can't stop, who their girlfriends and wives are, and how they cope. There are segments on how to make these relationships work which, like most relationships, require some accommodation from both parties and a lot of honest communication. One segment deals with the crossdresser's wife's greatest fear - that her husband may realize he is transsexual and needs to transition to a woman. Sexuality in crossdressing relationships earns its own chapter, as does a discussion of gender politics.
Public awareness of the transsexual community is gaining ground as more and more TS come out and demand their civil rights. Acceptance is growing. Meanwhile, the crossdressers largely remain in the closet. The absence of "out" crossdressing leadership and political organization makes CD's acceptance unlikely. Crossdressers must be "Out, Loud, and Proud" to change hearts and minds.
I found this book fascinating. As father to a male-to-female transsexual and an activist in the GLBT community, I have learned a great deal about transsexuals - but very little about crossdressers. "My Husband Betty" gave me a much broader base for understanding and supporting this segment of the transgender community.

In her book "My Husband Betty" Helen Boyd clears up a lot of misconceptions that crossdressing men have of themselves and their way of relating to women. It also clears up a lot of misconceptions that their female partners have of their man's crossdressing behaviour and their wishes. It also pulls no punches in revealing the depth of betrayal that a woman feels when she finds out about her husband's crossdressing later on in their relationship, when her husband should have been honest with her from the very beginning of their relationship. A brilliant book worth reading more than once.

Helen Boyd not only opened my mind and heart to the experiences and realities of an under- and mis-represented people, she did so with clarity , brevity and wit. A thoroughly engaging book it is a must-read for anyone either integrated in or tangentially affected by gender issues of any and all kinds. Thank you, Ms. Boyd, for creating this much needed volume and for researching your subject matter so completely and objectively.

I am trans, and have read several books on the phenomenon in the past few months. I found My Husband Betty to be thorough, honest (painfully at times), and very helpful. I was able to pass it on to my wife knowing that she would come to respect both the book and the author in her reading. Boyd pulls no punches, and the honesty and compassion she shows in exploring her own complex relationhsip with her husband is inspiring to those of us wrestling with transgenderism. If you need to pick one book to read about crossdressing and trans stuff, make it this one.

Where was this book when I really needed it, those many years ago? Without a doubt, this is the best book I have read on the subject of the relationship between the transgendered man and his wife or partner. Written by the wife of a crossdresser, it is an eye-opener to say the least. I though I had a pretty good idea of what my wife of forty-five years is going through with respect to my crossdressing and my transgender nature. After all, we have known each other for almost half a century! Helen Boyd really "tells it like it is," and it was an education for me!

With a Preface, an Introduction and eight chapters, Helen opens the male-to-female crossdresser's eyes to the realities facing his partner, whether married or not. Throughout she quotes from, and makes reference to, many of the crossdressers and the partners she interviewed in her research for the book.

Chapter One, entitled "Crossdressed Lives", delineates the who's of crossdressing and why the book was written. Here you will find a relatively detailed description of the life of the crossdresser from his teens though to his late fifties. Also in this chapter Helen attempts to identify and define the myriad of classifications one might encounter in researching the transgender world.

In Chapter Two, the author explains who they are, why they do it, and why they can't stop.

Chapters Three and Four detail the experiences of partners of crossdressers; who they are, why they stay, how they deal with it, and how they make things work out for the couple.

Chapter Five details the fears expressed by almost every partner of a crossdresser, from "is he gay" to "does he want to change sex?" Entitled "Slippery Slope!" this section will surely give the crossdresser and his partner pause for second thought.

Chapters Six and Seven deal with the sexual aspects of crossdressed lives. The various aspects of sex which cross all lives, trangender or not, are dealt with in a matter-of-fact way guaranteed not to upset the most delicate reader.

Chapter Eight, "Gendered Politics," starts off, "If one more crossdresser complains to me about how unfair it is that crossdressers can't wear what they want and tells me I don't understand because I can wear whatever I want, my head might explode. First off, women can't wear what they want. If a woman dresses too provocatively she's assumed to be a whore; if she's not sexy or feminine enough she's a man hating lesbian." Powerful words in a powerful chapter; one which the crossdresser needs to read carefully and thoroughly.

Of all the books I have read on the subject of crossdressing, this one sits so far above the rest that it has become the one book I now recommend to all couples dealing with crossdressed lives. Not only will it be of great help to the partner who is confronted with crossdressing, it also serves as a wake up call for the crossdresser himself. I simply cannot find the words to give this book the praise it deserve.

Thank you, Helen Boyd!